My face grew hot and I knew my cheeks had to be the color of a shiny red apple. If Finn hadn’t been breathing his intoxicating breath down my sensitive neck I would swear that I had a fever. I nodded my head slowly and let a small “uh-huh” escape through my lips. Before I knew it Finn dug his heels into Ripley’s side and we were off.
Chapter 17
Just as I knew we would, we found Mr. Collins snoozin’ away under the big oak tree, while his fishing rod hunted for fish. If he wasn’t working he could almost always be found in that same exact spot, it never failed.
Finn stopped Ripley just a foot away from the sleeping old man. His leathery tanned skin looked worn out and his hair had grown grayer than I had remembered. I almost felt bad waking him from his slumber since he looked like he could use all he could get, but I hadn’t seen him in a while and I desperately wanted to kiss his scratchy old man cheek.
Ripley lowered his nose right into Mr. Collins’ snoring face and let out an alarming snort. I let my adolescent giggles go and Finn followed my lead with a brief chortle. Mr. Colllins perked up and tilted his tan Stetson back to see who was disturbing his peace. He was startled to find horse nostrils in his face and knocked his hat of his head as he tried to find his composure; arms flailing and all.
“Hey old man,” Finn hopped off Ripley and kicked the bottom of Mr. Collins’ worn out old dark brown leather boots. “Get up, someone wants to say hello.”
He stood up and dusted the dried up dirt and grass of the seat of his blue jeans. His eyes creased as he smiled his welcoming grin revealing the deep set crow's feet in their corners. His dark gray mustache twitched and he opened his arms wide. I pushed myself toward him and let his arms fold around me keeping me safe from everything that was wrong in the world at that very moment.
It was always rare for Mr. Collins to show his emotions. He was a very reserved person who generally liked to keep to himself, but with me it was a whole different story. He was so warm and loving, unlike my dad who was distant and uptight. My scraggly old man spent time with me while I was visiting. He taught me how to fish and how to properly care for Ripley. One summer he even took me hunting with him and I shot my first deer. Normally I don't embrace the fact that I have killed animals, but something about hunting with him made it feel like it was okay. He had a great respect for the animals and thanked them for the food they provided us with. It was hauntingly beautiful to watch him prepare an animal to be consumed.
"How have you been kiddo?" His voice was always raspy from years of smoking; plus filled with dry sleepiness. He kept me tight in his arms almost crushing me with no signs of letting go. It had been a long school year.
"I'm great. I'd be better if I could breathe though." I playfully said to get him to release me from his bear hug. He bellowed a low grunt of a laugh and let me go. Finn awkwardly stood behind us looking as though he just witnessed a car wreck. Like I said, Mr. Collins didn’t normally show his emotions often and it was probably a sight for Finn.
"Yeaah... this is cute and all, but Perry..." Finn interrupted with a smirk smeared across his face. "I wanted to let you know I'm done for the day. I'm gonna take this little one around the property, show her what she's been missing while studying in the big city."
"Oh? Is that so?" My overprotective father figure glared.
"Relax pops. I ain't gonna try any funny business." Part of me was hurt because I wanted him to try something. I mean… I wouldn't have fought it.
The old man looked me in the eye and sternly said "You watch out for this one," but then with a smile he finished "he's trouble." He patted Finn on the back and the two of them shared a head nod. "Just be careful son, her daddy can be ruthless." I glared at him for that comment. Number one, he wasn’t that hard. Especially not on me because I always wondered if he knew I existed, but what did I know? Bringing around a boy could’ve brought out the fatherly figure that I knew had to be hidden inside the man that helped create me.
I also didn’t appreciate his comment because Finn didn’t need any more reasons not to touch me! I didn't need to push him away more, I needed to close the stranger gap between us and move into the more intimate zone.
"I can handle it," he smoothly said offering a sly wink my way; the kind that made you just melt.
"Well, alright then. You kids have fun. I'm going to finish up here and then check on the horses in stable two before the sun goes down. Have a good night now."
"We'll catch up later. Tomorrow I'll help you out with the morning chores." I told Mr. Collins before attempting to get back onto Ripley. I usually spent a lot of time helping him around the ranch and I didn't want him to think I was going to give that up now that Finn was around to distract me.
"You got it darlin'." He smiled back at me and wrapped me into another hug, or rather a squeeze. I pulled away feeling sad. I almost wanted to tell Finn to go away so I could hang out with Perry, but it would probably have hurt his feelings, and my girlish curiosity had to see where the night would take us.
"Alright little girl, let's get you back up on this horse." Finn ordered. His jab at my size still made me wince.
We were back up on Ripley; riding our way through the trails that came with the property. Someone spent a lot of time mapping out and creating these winding dirt trails that were spread out all over the landscape, in and out of the woods, around the pond and along the outer edges of the land. It was a very relaxing ride where it was easy to get lost in the simplicity of the country; which I often did.
The scenery was straight out of a Thomas Kinkade painting. Tall maple trees created a panoramic vibrant green display. Freshly cut dark green grass covered the meadows and poured into the forest floor. The rolling hills that ran up and down the land looked as though they were covered in broccoli tops. In the fall the scene was even more breathtaking when the leaves would change from green to browns, oranges, reds, and yellows. In the lower meadow and around the beaver pond there were gorgeous lilac plants that had sprouted up throughout the grassy areas. It gave the land that pop of calming purple that sent a soothing delectable scent straight up into the air. I loved to just lay in the meadow to write or think, but generally to nap.
As Ripley walked along the smooth dirt path I was suddenly aware of just how close Finn was to me. I mean, when he hopped up the first time I could feel my back nestled perfectly into his abdomen, and when he leaned in close to grab the reigns from my hands I could feel his breath on my neck. We might as well have been one person at that point with how close we were, but I was not complaining. Although I could be sure my face was bright red as I thought about just how close our lower halves were. What could I say? I was just a hormonal teenager after all.
“So, what is it that I’m missing that you wanted to show me so badly?” I pushed the dirty thoughts about his lower half out of my head and summoned some words, making sure to keep my head staring straight ahead so he couldn’t see me blush.
“Well, I really don’t know. I just wanted to get you out here so I could get to know you. Plus it’s a beautiful night for a ride.” He replied. The thought of us getting to know each other was definitely something on my mind, but he still didn’t say much and it was confusing.
“Oh really, you wanna get to know me better?” I asked, pressing myself closer to him, rolling my hips backward into him. It was my attempt at getting the night moving along. He wanted to play hot and cold, but I just wanted to play hot.
He was still for a moment and I could feel that he was holding in his breath. Probably trying to control little Finn so he didn’t embarrass himself. He wasn’t the only one that knew how to fluster the opposite sex. I may have never dated before this, but I did watch a lot of television and read a ton of romance novels. I had the whole flirting and flustering thing covered.
“Ahem…” he let out his breath and cleared his throat. “Uhm. Yeah, I mean everyone else on the ranch is at least thirty. There aren’t many people my age for me to hang with. I have you for the summer
so I might as well get to know you. Who knows…” he leaned in closer. “We may end up being more than friends,” he whispered in my ear. The feeling of his warm words entering my eardrum made me shudder, and I don’t think there was any hiding the blush on my face that time since I was almost certain it had blanketed my entire body like bad sunburn. Feeling nervous I scooted myself all the way forward until I couldn’t put any more distance between our warm bodies. We were still touching since there was only so much room in the saddle, but I tried my best to relieve some of the sexual tension I was previously trying to build up.
“You okay? I didn’t mean to offend… I was just…” he trailed off. His voice got all low and I couldn’t make out what exactly it was that he wanted to say to me.
“Just what?” I eagerly pressed trying to turn my body to see his face. He looked pained again and I was afraid I hurt his fragile feelings by pulling away. Not my intention at all. I was afraid of what I might do and the things I just might have let him do to my virgin body. Just being close to him sent a pulse of electricity down below and I didn’t quite know how to make it stop, or how to make sense of it for that matter. However, he remained silent and I could feel his weight shifting toward the back of the saddle as he pulled back on the reigns to bring Ripley to a full stop. “Finn… what is it?”
He kept silent as he climbed off the horse. I motioned to get off too, but he stopped me.
“No, stay on. I’m just going to walk the two of you back to the stable. It’s getting late.” He dolefully responded. But I wouldn’t stand for it… I was not giving up that easy.
I jumped down off Ripley and planted myself firmly in the dirt before him; stopping him in his tracks.
“You’re not getting away that easy. What happened? What did I do?” I made it clear that he wasn’t getting back to the stables without first taking part in my questioning.
“It’s not anything you did Lucy…” he sighed. “I know this is cliché and all, but it’s me. I made a mistake and I misread the situation. I apologize.”
“Misread the situation?” Now I was thoroughly confused, I mean… I know I pulled away just then, but if he only knew the sinful things I was thinking he would be feeling differently. I know I should’ve just told him how I felt, but I just met the kid! I couldn’t believe how immature I had been about the entire situation. I should’ve let him take us back to the stable and gone our separate ways. I knew that was what I should’ve done, but was it what I did…? Of course not.
“Lucy, I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve been going through some shit and it has just about been the worst year ever. When I saw you…” he looked away from me and I couldn’t really tell, but I think tears may have started to well up in his eyes. My heart was breaking. I wanted to let him finish, but at the same time I didn’t.
“Finn. Just stop” I put my hands up to silence him and without even fully thinking about it I dove in for a kiss. If I had a time machine I would go back and just let him finish his statement. The second that my lips touched his un-puckered mouth he jolted backward and I stumbled forward coming dangerously close to mackin’ it with the dirt. I stabilized myself, but I was horrified. I just wanted to turn and run back toward the house, to my room, to my bed, to cry in my pillow. But all I could do was stare. I could feel tears begin to well, but I never broke eye contact with the boy who stared back at me; equally mortified.
“I… I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry, I” he fished for the right words to make the situation less awkward and embarrassing; for me of course. “Lucy, I like you and all, but I just don’t know that I can do this. I’m sorry.”
But I didn’t say anything in response. What could I say? I had just made an idiot out of myself, something that I seemed to be extremely well at, but at least up until just now all my silly teenage thoughts had been inside my own head.
I walked to the other side of the only male who had ever shown me any affection as he soothed me with a small whiney, and a sweet nuzzle, as I began to walk him back to the stable. The three of us walked in silence back to where I could run and hide and never have to see this boy I just humiliated myself in front of again. Although, I guess that was a lie since he would be working alongside me all summer. I suppose I could’ve hidden in my room the whole time, but that wouldn’t have been fair to Ripley, or Mr. Collins. No, I was stuck with him for the next three months.
Chapter 18
After I had left Ripley in his stall, and Finn had disappeared, I spent the rest of the night sobbing in my pillow until I fell asleep. I couldn’t tell you exactly why I let those events get to me like that. The best I could do to explain is that I was seventeen years, female, and I was so desperate to have a love interest since I had to watch my two best friends Suzette and Adam flirt all the time back at school. They had sworn that they were just friends at that point, but I knew that there was an attraction there from the beginning.
I lied in my bed and listened to the blue birds chatter and sing outside my window in the large oak tree that protected my room from the scorching summer sun. I remembered that I told Mr. Collins I would help him with the morning chores, but I woke up a good two hours after he would’ve started. Plus, I knew if I got up I would have to answer to Mary for my puffy red eyes, and I just didn’t feel like rehashing the gory details of my seriously exasperating faux pas with Finn. She would’ve probably had some lovely motherly advice like she always did, but I just was not ready to share yet. Hiding in my room for the remainder of the summer seemed like the right thing to do.
No sooner than I could think the words there was a tap tap tap on my white bedroom door. My thoughts turned to Mary. Mom wouldn’t knock she would just walk right in without warning; good thing I asked Mr. Collins to install a lock while we were back in Manhattan. I was a growing young woman for crying out loud and I didn’t need my mother all up in my personal space whenever she pleased.
Knowing I didn’t lock the door last night, since I just wanted to get into bed as soon as possible, I shouted “come in” so she knew it was safe to enter. But I was immediately regretful when it wasn’t Mary who entered. It was not mom, dad, or even Mr. Collins. Of course not, any one of them I would have been fine with seeing me in my puffy faced, silky pajama wearing, bed head state. But no it was the one person that I couldn’t have seeing me like this.
“Finn?! Oh my!” Startled by his glorious presence and horrified by my current state I flailed my long limbs around and almost fell out of bed as I ran for the bathroom.
“You okay?” A muffled concern peeped through the bathroom door.
“Uhhh, yeah. Just give me a second okay. I was expecting Mary, I uhm… I’ll be out in a sec.” I had no other logical response.
I ran to the sink and splashed some water on my face to desperately try and hide the fact that I had been crying over him all night long. I pinched my cheeks to give them some color, hoping I would just look like I had gotten too much sun rather than the truth. I ran a brush through my tangles and threw my hair up in a high ponytail to hide some of the grease that had formed overnight.
I was ecstatically glad to be wearing my black Victoria Secret silk pajamas and not my Tweety Bird fleece ones; at least they had sex appeal. After a swig of mouthwash and a squirt of DKNY perfume I was ready to face him. I couldn’t cower in the bathroom until he went away after all, no matter how hard I wished I could.
I slowly opened the door and found him looking at all the trophies that Ripley had won at horse shows and riding competitions. There were close to thirty ribbons, medals, and awards.
“Wow. Didn’t know he was so good” he uttered, still looking at the shelf, sounding genuinely surprised. I didn’t want to talk about my horse’s ability to jump over a post.
“So. What, um, brings you to my… bedroom?” I couldn’t hold in my curiosity any longer and the words just poured out of my mouth like water out of a slow dripping faucet; choppy and slightly annoying.
“Well,” he spoke with utter confidence
. Just like when I first met him the day before and he was so cocky with me, showing me who was boss. “I wanted to give you a chance to make up for the mockery you made of yourself last night. I will forgive you if you come on a ride with me.”
My first instinct was to argue back and defend myself. I knew I was less than suave, but he was no Casanova either. Rather than starting a fight that I probably couldn’t have won I let him have his victory. I saw something in him the night before, something that I wanted to explore further, and I knew this bumptious attitude of his was a defense mechanism to hide what truly lied beneath.
“Can I get dressed first? Or is this a PJ event?” I tried to show him that I wasn’t bothered by his accusations that last night’s controversy was my entire fault. Even though I was most definitely screaming inside and still cowering from embarrassment.
“Yeah, go clean yourself up. You look like a mess,” he delivered with such audacity, but with a sly smile. closed the mauve curtains behind me. They were shear enough that I knew if he was looking hard enough he would be able to see right through them, but that was exactly what I wanted as I slowly unbuttoned my pajama top.
I stood with my naked back toward him as I opened the top dresser drawer and pulled out a white cotton bra. I put it on and peered over my shoulder as I reached around my back with both hands to fasten the clips. I could see him out of the corner of my eye pretending not to stare at me as he examined a tall golden trophy with a trotting bronze horse on top.
I grabbed a low cut white camisole out of the second drawer and pulled it over my head, it was a hot day out, and I wanted to be wearing as little clothing as possible. I could play the games he wanted to play.
I swapped out the silk shorts that matched my pajama top for a very short pair of dark blue cut offs. Judging by his choice of casual footwear I decided to step into a pair of black flip flops rather than my boots; more summery.
Heavy Hearts Page 11