Waking Up

by Renee Dyer

  “No way am I watching another Rocky movie.” Adriana bursts into a belly laugh that rocks through my entire body. I swear, I feel it all the way under my toenails, in my hair follicles. Her laugh is electric. “I got nothing against Sly, but hearing Pres recite every line to his movies is a bit much.”

  I lose sight of Mickayla as she’s finishing her rant, but it doesn’t matter. Adriana just let out one of her little snorts and all I want to do is plant her ass on the island and bury myself into her. Show her how much I want to claim her as mine. I’m losing the battle of being better every time I hear her laughter.

  “She’s something, isn’t she?”

  Her voice breaks through my thoughts and I turn around to face her. I realize I have no idea what she said to me. “What’s that?”

  “Mick– she’s something, huh?”

  “You can say that again.” I laugh, thinking of a few of the things Mickayla has said to me.

  We fall into an easy banter talking about what kind of movie we think they’ll have picked out, if Mickayla will have hidden all the Rocky movies from Preston, how many times Alahna will tell Mickayla and Blake to get a room. It’s nice to feel relaxed around her again.

  I help her make popcorn and she shows me where her stash of candy is she keeps for movie nights. She tells me to grab M&M’s for Mickayla and peanut butter cups for Alahna. The guys vary so I grab a variety. My eyes light up like a little kid left alone in a candy store for the first time when I see she has Hot Tamales. This is a woman after my heart. Mike-n-Ike’s are good, but Hot Tamales are by far the most superior candy ever created. I’m drooling already.

  “My whole night has just been made better!” I’m sniffing the box and she’s laughing like a hyena at me snorting the whole time. I don’t care how I look. These are the best candy in the world.

  “Like those, do ya?” she asks with a raised brow, trying to look serious, but she’s still laughing and the look is downright adorable.

  “I do. They’re the best.”

  “I like them, too, so you’ll have to share.” Now my night is better. Favorite candy and our hands may touch going for the box. Shit yeah.

  I know I’m grinning like an idiot when we walk in with the treats. Alahna smiles at me and I feel like I won something. I think I’ll feel that way every time she smiles at me for a long time to come. Mickayla keeps looking from Adriana to me and back again. I’m not sure what she’s looking for, but it’s unnerving. The guys are pouting so I’m guessing the ladies won the movie battle. I had to watch a lot of chick flicks with Grams over the years so I can handle whatever they throw at me.

  “Before we start, I was wondering if you all want to do beach day tomorrow?” Mickayla asks.

  Beach day? They all do beach days together. When do they work?

  “Works for us,” Alahna chimes in.

  “We can’t tomorrow. Watching the boys, but Friday works.” She said we. She didn’t even ask if they care if I go. My heart swells with emotion. She wants me there with them. Even if it’s only as her guest, I’ll take it.

  Shit. I don’t have any beach clothes with me. This wasn’t a vacation for me. I was running away.

  “I can’t go.” All eyes are on me faster than I can finish getting the words out of my mouth. “It’s not that I don’t want to go. I don’t have any beach clothes with me. Didn’t exactly plan on this being a fun trip.”

  Realization dawns on their faces. “We’re about the same size. I got your back man.” Preston slaps me on the shoulder, releasing the tension in the room.

  I’m happy to admit I was wrong about him. He’s a good man. My first impression of him was tainted by jealousy and that makes me an ass.

  We all take our seats. I laugh when Mickayla and Blake sit toward the front. Alahna cracks on her that we don’t need an extra show earning her double middle fingers. She and Preston sit two rows back and Adriana and I sit on the couch that lines the back wall.

  The movie starts up. I can’t contain my laughter, especially with the groans Preston and Blake are letting up. The ladies picked Pitch Perfect. I went to one of the premier screenings of this. It’s a good movie, but I can’t see these two sitting through it. They may enjoy the shower scene…a little.

  **********************

  Lying back in my bed, I smile thinking about the movie choice. The guys did get through the movie with a lot of bellyaching, but they did it. I thought I might get to snuggle up on the couch with Adriana, sneak some touches while sharing popcorn and candy, but that didn’t happen.

  She stayed on her side of the couch and I stayed on mine, the bowl of popcorn between us. When she wanted candy, she asked for the box, took what she wanted and gave it back to me. I stole glances at her, but not once did I catch her peeking at me. It felt like she was doing whatever she could to send the message that I was not to invade her space.

  After the movie, she told everyone she had a headache so we all picked up for her. She went to bed before everyone left leaving me to say goodnight to her friends and lock up her house. I didn’t know how to set her alarm system so I only locked the doors and checked the windows.

  Now I’m lying here, wondering why she lied to everyone. Was I so awful to touch that she couldn’t face her friends when the lights came on?

  Chapter Twenty Six

  Tucker

  “But, Daddy, I don’t want to go to Gram and Gramps’ house. I want to stay here with mommy’s stuff.” I look at my Daddy, crying, begging him not to make me leave my home. Mommy just went to heaven a few days ago. She might come back and I need to be here when she does. If Daddy moves us away, she won’t know where we are. She might think we don’t love her anymore.

  “I said we’re going, Tucker. Go put your clothes in the bags I put on your bed. Now!” He’s pointing at my room. Daddy’s never been mean to me before. He’s always laughed and played with me. He would throw the ball in the yard with me and he helped me not be scared when I stopped using training wheels. I’m scared of him now.

  He’s not yelling at me, but I know he’s mad. He’s mad at me and I don’t know why. He keeps telling me not to smile at him and not to look at him. I don’t know why. He used to love my smile and my eyes. Doesn’t my Daddy love me anymore?

  “Tucker!” I jump at his voice.

  “Yes, Daddy?”

  “Stop that damn crying, too. It won’t do you any good in life. Crying never got anyone anywhere.”

  “Mommy told me when my heart hurts it’s okay to cry.” He comes at me so fast, I fear for the first time in my life that he’ll hit me. His large frame looms over me. The familiar man that has raised me, that I love and felt safe with, is gone. I pee in my pants. He notices.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Go clean yourself up and pack. I will not tell you again. Do you understand me, boy?” I shake my head rapidly and run to my room afraid what will happen if I don’t obey.

  Closing my door, I quickly take my wet clothes off. I want to go wash my body, but I don’t dare to leave my room. He might get mad at me again. I put clean clothes on knowing I’ll smell like pee all day. I throw the clothes I had on in my trash bucket because Daddy wants to leave soon. No laundry basket to put them in.

  As fast as I can, I put all my clothes in the bags Daddy left me. I want to be done before he comes to get me and I want to leave Mommy a note telling her where we are. I don’t want her to be sad if she comes back and sees we’re gone.

  I pull out paper and a pink marker because it’s Mommy’s favorite color and start to write her a letter:

  Dear Mommy,

  Me and Daddy are going to Grams and Gramps house. I don’t want to go, but Daddy says we have to. I miss you. When you come back from heaven, please come get me. I love you.

  Tuc

  “What are you doing?” He rips the paper from my hand. I watch him read it. Wait for him to smile, be happy that I’m telling mommy where to find us, but he doesn’t smile. He rips up my note and throws it on the floor.<
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  I scramble to the floor, grabbing all the pieces, tears falling down my cheeks. “Why don’t you want Mommy to come find us?” I’m screaming at him. I run at him and start pounding my fists into his legs and his stomach. I want him to hurt like I hurt. My Mommy went to heaven and now he wants to take me away before she can come back.

  He grabs me by my arms and throws me on my bed. “She isn’t coming back. Get it through your head, Tucker. Mommy is dead. Death is final. Learn it now. Women are trouble. Don’t ever give your heart to one. I’m loading the car. When I get back, your tears better be dry.”

  I watch my Daddy grab my bags and turn his back to me.

  “I hate you for making me leave our house.” I don’t mean it, but my heart hurts so much. I just want my Mommy to hug me right now and make it all better. I want her to kiss my cheek and ruffle my hair, tell me I’ll always be her little boy. Mommy’s are supposed to be forever.

  “Good. It’s better to hate than to love, Tucker. When you love, you can be disappointed. You can be hurt. But, when you hate, you stay strong.”

  I open my eyes to a dark room, pain ripping through my chest. I can’t remember the last time I thought or dreamed about the day my father forced me from our home. Bringing my hands to my face, I’m surprised to have them come away wet. After all these years it still devastates me to think about leaving my mother behind even though I know she was never coming back.

  I scoot back till I’m sitting against the headboard, knees to my chest, head hanging into my hands. People tell you it gets easier, but I still miss her every day. I lost my mom so many years ago, but there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t see my eyes in the mirror and think of her. Not a day that I don’t pray she was still here to hug me and tell me that I’m living a life she’d be proud of.

  I wipe the tears away and look at the alarm clock. 4:26 a.m. It’s early, but I know I won’t fall back to sleep. Pulling the covers off, I decide to make use of the gym Adriana showed me on her tour. Kicking myself for the lack of clothes I packed in my mad dash from Vancouver, I throw on my dirty clothes from the day before and quietly make my way down the stairs.

  In the kitchen, as quiet as I can, I start looking in the cupboards for a water bottle. I’m getting frustrated and I’m worried I’ll wake Adriana when I hear her screaming.

  Water bottle forgotten, I race for her room. Panic fills me not knowing what’s wrong with her. All I know is I need to get to her. Make sure she’s alright. I’m not sure how I think to turn on the hall light in my current state, but it somehow filters through my frantic mind that I won’t be able to see in her room and I don’t know where she is in there.

  Slamming through her door, I see a silhouette sitting in the middle of a bed. My feet move without being told and I practically jump onto her bed, wrapping her into my arms, tucking her head under my chin. I whisper that she’s okay, that I have her, and that I’ll make it all better. I don’t know what has her so spooked, but she’s covered in sweat and she’s shaking. She’s gripping at me and her fear is evident. It tears at my heart.

  “Alex,” she whispers.

  Alex. Oh God. What the hell am I doing in here?

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Adriana

  Oh God, it feels so good to be back in Alex’s arms, so warm. It’s been so long since he’s held me. I snuggle in, enjoying the feeling of his arms around me, being pressed into his chest. I want to scream thank you to the heavens for answering my prayers, for sending him back to me.

  “It’s not Alex. It’s me, Tucker. I think you were having a nightmare.”

  Why is Alex saying he’s Tucker? He must be playing one of his jokes. Well, it’s not funny. I’ve been waiting a long time to be in his arms again and I don’t want to start it fighting so I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. See how he likes them apples.

  “Adriana, are you awake? Did you hear me?” He’s more persistent now and it’s starting to annoy me, but still I stay cuddled to his chest. His chest… it feels a lot firmer than it used to. Do they have a gym in heaven? Did Alex decide he liked to work out more while he was there?

  “Adriana, are you alright? Please answer me. It’s Tucker. I need to know you’re okay.” He starts to pull away, but I’m not ready to let go. I throw my arms around his waist.

  “Please, Alex, don’t leave me.”

  He jumps away from me like I burned him. I reach for my light and click it on and Tucker is standing by my bed, hurt all over his face.

  Dear God, what have I done?

  “Tucker, I–”

  “Don’t.” His voice is raw with emotion and I swear it cracks, swear he’s about to cry. This man who appears so strong, so masculine I think I may have hurt in a way I can never fix. I sit there and watch him walk away with turned down shoulders, looking like a much smaller man than he really is as he leaves my room and I’m unable to say anything to him.

  How do I tell him I feel my dead husband’s presence in my room and that’s why I thought he was him? He’ll think I’m crazy.

  Maybe I am.

  I want to run after him, but I still feel Alex’s presence and I can’t hurt him like that. Instead, I climb out of my bed, close the door that Tucker left open, and slide down it, letting tears slide down my face as I go.

  I thought it was supposed to get better each day. That’s what everyone keeps telling me, but it isn’t. I can’t say this out loud because I don’t want Tucker to hear. So, I try to smile because I know he loved my smile and I whisper.

  “Good morning, baby.”

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  Tucker

  My heart turned to stone and shattered when Adriana mistook me for Alex a second time, begging me not to leave. I couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t hurt me. There was no way to stand there and act like I was okay with being her fill in. The shock wave that hit my body hearing her call me Alex as she was wrapped in my arms was enough to crush all my bones. It hurt that badly.

  Then she did it a second time.

  Did she really not know it was me? Could she not tell the difference? Was she not fully awake? The questions roll threw my head in a dizzying speed as I beat the shit out of my body in the gym. I escaped there as soon as I left her room.

  I heard her moving around in her room before I got to the bottom of her stairs, heard her close the door, heard her start to cry. Every part of me wanted to run back to her, to comfort her, but I knew she was crying for them– her and Alex. Not for me. I broke into a run, needing as much distance from her as I could get, needing to not hear her sobs that were begging me to go back and pull her into my arms.

  I hate that I’m my own enemy. She doesn’t want me. She wants me to be him. To be Alex. I’ve never been enough before and I’ve had to accept that, but I’ve never had to be someone I’m not. Not being enough on my own I can handle. I refuse to be someone else. Accept me or don’t, but don’t ask me to be a fill in.

  Body spent, muscles burning, I head back for a shower. Walking into the main part of the house, I’m hit with the warm smell of home cooking. I can smell cinnamon. My mouth waters. Damn this woman and her food.

  Walking into the kitchen, I have to stop because she’s bent over pulling something from the oven and I’m frozen staring at that perfect ass that put me in this mess. I have the urge to go back to my original plan of having my way with her and getting the hell outta Dodge. I know I’d hate myself for it after, but I want to taste her so bad. The kiss from yesterday has wet my appetite and I want so much more now.

  “Going to just stand there or are you going to shower? No offense, but you stink. You’re not sitting at my table like that,” she chuckles out.

  I want to laugh with her, but I can’t. I would have had to work out for weeks to be ready for that. “Sorry, needed to work out some frustrations. I’ll shower and come back smelling better.” There’s no joking to my voice. Actually, I sound downright hostile. I see her step back and feel like a total ass, but I don’
t apologize. I walk away.

  “Tucker, stop,” she says with more force than I thought her capable of. I do as she asks, but I don’t look at her. I know it’s rude, but I don’t feel I owe her anything at this point and I don’t trust myself to keep the hurt off my face.

  I hear her sigh and slap something off the counter. It makes me smile knowing I’m getting to her. It’s childish of me. I know that, but I want her affected. I’m affected and I want her to be just as riled up. Hell, I want her even more riled up if I’m being truthful.

  “Can’t you look at me? I don’t like talking to your back.” Well, now that’s she’s asked, I guess I have to. Yeah, yeah—childish.

  I turn around and fold my arms over my chest. I want her to know I’m not happy. She steps back again. What the fuck is her problem? Taking a mental assessment of myself I realize I’m scowling at her, legs spread, arms over my chest. I probably look intimidating as hell especially considering I’m well over a foot taller than her and outweigh her exponentially. Dammit. I’m not supposed to be softening toward her.

  Dropping my arms, I try to loosen my scowl a little, but my face is tense. “What do you want, Adriana?” My voice is still hostile. Not much I can do about that right now.

  “What is your problem, Tucker?”

  Oh no she didn’t. What is my problem?

  “Do you want me to answer that honestly or sugar coat it for you?”

  “Honestly, of course,” she says, putting her hands on her hips. Ooh, I like her feisty.

  “You sure you can handle it, little girl?” I know I’m taunting her, but I’m pissed and I want a fight.

  “Little girl,” she sputters. “Did you just call me little girl? Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?”

  Game on. “My problem is you, Adriana!”

  “Me?” She throws her hand up in front of her chest like she’s offended and oh so innocent and that fuels me on even more.

  “Yes, you and the way you keep using me.” She tries to say something, but I don’t give her the chance. I’m pissed and I know I’m going to regret this, but I’ve never been one to walk away when I should. “My problem is you using me to feel like your husband is still with you. I’m not him and never will be. No matter how much you kiss me or climb in my lap or call out his name, it won’t change the facts. I’m Tucker, not Alex.” I’m yelling by the time I finish. I expect her to give up, to run away crying, but she’s standing there with balled fists. Her tiny frame vibrating with anger.