Waking Up

by Renee Dyer

  “Eight weeks already, really?

  “Yeah, I have the pictures if you want to see them.”

  “Of course I want to see them. That’s not even a question.”

  “I got to see, not hear the heart beating.” My eyes fill with tears. “It should have filled me with joy like it did my last pregnancies, but it didn’t, Adri. All I could think is, Kale isn’t here with me. He’s always here with me when I find out, have the first ultrasound. He’s working so much. There’s no other babies in the neighborhood. All these negative thoughts went through my head instead of focusing on the heartbeat and the miracle that was in front of me.” Tears spill over.

  “Oh, Dee, I’m sorry you had to be there alone. Someone should have been there with you.” Adri’s arms are back around me.

  “That’s just it, no one needed to be there with me. I thought it was the flu. It’s weird. I knew I was pregnant the other times. I had no clue this time.”

  “Did he say anything about you being so sick?”

  He said it could be extreme morning sickness and wants me to monitor it. Could be something worse, that condition Prince William’s wife had. I forget the medical term.”

  “Hyperemesis gravidarum?”

  “That sounds right. How’d you know that?”

  “It was all over the TV and radio, kept hearing the term, never forgot it for some reason. What will he do if you have that? Will the baby be okay?”

  “He gave me a script today for an anti-nausea med. If I don’t start feeling better in a couple days, then I need to fill it. Need to watch out for getting dehydrated.”

  Adri jumps up and walks away from me into my kitchen. I hear her in the cupboard.

  “What are you doing?”

  She walks back out a minute later with a glass of water and a box of Ritz, a smile on her face. “No dehydrating on my watch and I’ve heard crackers help with the nausea,” she says, sitting back beside me.

  I place my head on her shoulder as she hands me the glass of water and box of crackers. For the first time since hearing I’m pregnant, I smile. Maybe this isn’t a bad thing.

  “Thanks, Adri.”

  She pats my hand and pushes at the glass. I obey her silent command, taking a couple sips of the water. It feels good on my dry throat. We sit there saying nothing for a few minutes. We can hear the boys upstairs jumping and raising hell together, but they stay up there like I asked.

  “Did you get a due date?”

  “February 5th.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “What? What’s the big deal with February 5th,” I ask, thoroughly confused.

  “You could have this baby on Super Bowl Sunday and if my Pats make it there, you know how I feel about going anywhere during the game.”

  We both start cracking up. I’m glad Adri came over and that I told her. Kale may be hurt that I told someone before him, but I needed this. I needed to get myself straightened out. It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.

  I got this.

  Chapter Thirty Three

  Tucker

  I couldn’t watch Adriana walk away with the kids, my emotions getting the better of me. Playing with her friend’s kids, having them accept me when all they’ve known is her with Alex, had me feeling a bliss I’ve never known before. I’m used to rejection and abandonment.

  When she asked to take our pictures, the excitement on their little faces left me unable to say no. My agent will shit a brick if those pictures ever go viral, but how could I say no to them? I had been disappointed so many times when I was younger. I vowed to never do that to a child. I refuse to be the man, the monster, my father was.

  I throw myself back into cleaning, trying to stop myself from choking up thinking back to the hug Kale Jr. gave me when I told him I’d sign a picture for him, the hugs they all gave me before they went home. I wish it could be that easy as an adult to care for people, not be so complicated and muddled. When do we learn to become cynical, jaded? When do we start seeing the world with grown up eyes?

  Grown up eyes, her eyes were filled with concern when I last saw them. I hope her friend is alright. I would have kept the kids here to play, but Deidre doesn’t know me from a hole in the ground. I felt uncomfortable offering. I didn’t want to come off as a weirdo who likes kids too much. Definitely not kids that I’m into.

  There is a sweet little angel who has my insides all twisted up, though. My cock does a little hop in my pants as I think back to my encounter with Adriana this morning. There’s nothing I want more than to revisit that when she gets back. The tension has been building all morning.

  She was trying to sneak peeks, but I saw her staring, saw her blushing. Wonder if I get my hands in her pants if she’ll be wet. Groaning at my own thoughts, I grab a box of bricks in each hand and start bringing them into the basement.

  I’ll have everything cleaned up when she gets back so she has nothing to focus on except me.

  Chapter Thirty Four

  Victoria

  Should I do this? Fly to New Hampshire and talk to Tucker? I wish he had answered me. Checking myself over in the mirror, I put on lipstick, questioning for the thousandth time if this is the right decision.

  I know he saw the e-mail I sent him. I wish that was warning enough, but the more I think about it, the more I worry that Grant isn’t done trying to hurt Tucker. I have to make sure he understands this isn’t about Grant hurting me. It’s about Grant hurting him.

  I brush through my long hair and take a last look at myself. “He needs to know, Vic,” I say at my reflection as I turn my back to it, grab my suitcase and head out.

  This time tomorrow, I’ll be in the some little town in some little state that I couldn’t find much information on.

  I only hope Tucker will listen to me.

  Chapter Thirty Five

  Tucker

  “Good morning, sweetie.”

  I love that she looks at caller ID before answering and knows it’s me. “Hey, Grams,” I say, wishing she could see the smile I’m trying to send her through the phone.

  “You sound chipper this morning, my boy. What has you sounding so happy?” That’s my Grams, right to the point.

  “You have me so chipper,” I joke. “What is chipper anyways?”

  “Don’t play coy with me. Something’s different. You’re not moping this morning, sweetie. Why?”

  She’s not going to let this go. I know Grams and she’ll ask this question five hundred different ways till she tricks me into answering. As fun as it is to get her going, I want to talk to her before Adriana gets back.

  But, where do I start?

  “Just spit it out, sweetie.”

  “How do you always do that?”

  “Do what?” she asks sweetly. She’s so far from innocent it elicits a deep laugh from me.

  “Never mind. You’ll never admit to it. Uh, Grams, I think I saw… the… smile.”

  The silence from the other end of the phone has me wondering if I accidentally disconnected the call. Pulling the phone from my head, I see it’s still connected. Maybe she hung up?

  “Grams, you still there?”

  “I’m here, sweetie. Always.”

  “Did you hear what I said?” I hold my breath, waiting for her response.

  “Did you sleep with her, Tucker?” Her voice is hard and I feel like a teenager who got caught doing something terrible.

  “No, I haven’t,” I say with more force than I should, probably telling her that I want to and that we’ve been physical.

  Grams gets quiet again and it drives me crazy. I feel disappointment coming through the phone line and it kills me. I want her to understand that Adriana isn’t a fling. I want her to be in my life.

  “Grams, I don’t know what to do here. I can’t picture a day where Adriana isn’t a part of it. It’s scaring me. I only have two more weeks here and then I go back to Vancouver. My life is more than three thousand miles from hers. How do I make this work?”

/>   “Oh, Tucker, I wish there was an easy answer I could give you. The heart picks what it wants and you have to follow it. If your heart wants her, then you have to make some decisions for your life.”

  “What do you mean by that, Grams? I have a contract for the next two years. The show films for nine months out of the year. I can’t ask her to fit into that life.”

  “She’s her own person. She can make her own decisions.”

  “But, the paparazzi. They’ll eat her alive. I can’t do that to her.”

  “So, you’ll have an affair with her for a couple weeks and leave her there heartbroken? I raised you better than that, Tucker Kostas Stavros. You think long and hard before you go any further with that young lady. She has enough hurt in her heart. You don’t need to add any more to it. Do you hear me?”

  There is venom dripping from her voice and that’s not something I’m used to having directed at me. She’s right, though. As much as I want Adriana and she consumes my every thought, I need to think, to put her first. She has so much more to lose than I do.

  “I hear you, Grams. How are you feeling?” She chuckles, knowing I’m ready to talk about something else.

  “The arthritis kicks in every now and again, but I hang in there the best I can. I’m a tough old bird.”

  “Yes, you are. You still scare the crap out of me,” I laugh. I love this woman more than she’ll ever know.

  The sound of the door slamming startles me. Adriana rushes past me with tears pouring down her face. I can’t imagine what news Deidre got at a regular doctor appointment today that would have Adriana this upset, but she’s up the stairs and her bedroom door is slammed shut before I can even have the thought.

  “Have to call you later, Grams. Adriana just came back from her friend’s house crying.”

  “Be gentle with her, sweetie. Don’t force her to talk.”

  “Okay. Love you.”

  I disconnect the call and hesitantly climb the stairs. I’m not sure she’ll want me to bother her. I would call one of her other friends, but I don’t have any of their numbers. Lost at what else to do, I put one foot in front of the other until I’m in front of her door.

  Her cries echo through the door, loud sobs that dig deep into my soul. I’m not sure what I’m going to walk into or if she’ll even let me in, but I want to comfort her. I want to go to her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I want to take away whatever is causing her to hurt.

  I stand in the hallway for several minutes, not because I want to hear her cry. That sound tears through my heart, but because I’m afraid she’ll tell me to go away and that will hurt me even more. I need to help her.

  I raise my hand and gently knock, deciding I’m not giving her the chance to turn me away, but not being overly forceful either. “Adriana,” I say softly. “I’m coming in.” I know Grams said don’t force her to talk to me, but she didn’t say I couldn’t go in and hold her.

  Adriana is in a ball on her bed, her face down in her pillows, her hair fanned out, appearing to be protecting her from the outside world. Her body shudders up and down from her cries. Normally, I find everything about her beautiful, but there is nothing beautiful about the sounds coming from her. Ugly, wracking sobs shatter the stillness of the room.

  My feet are routed in place when I open the door. Seeing her so broken, I jump into action, propelling me toward her. I fly onto the bed, scooping her into my lap, pulling her hair back from her face. It’s red and blotchy, tears flowing like a waterfall. What news did Deidre get that has my angel so upset?

  I know what Grams said, but I can’t watch her in this pain and not ask. It’s killing me, gutting me from the inside out, to see her hurt so much. I try kissing her tears away, but they keep falling. Her sobs echo off the walls, mocking my efforts to calm her. My whispers that it will be alright are swallowed up in the loudness of her cries. This is too much. It’s too hard to watch her suffer.

  Taking her face into both my hands, trying to rub away some of her tears with my thumbs, I raise her face to look at mine. “Adriana, please tell me what happened with Deidre.” I’m begging, I can hear it in my voice, but I’m desperate for her to stop crying. “Please, sweetness, stop crying and talk to me.”

  Her hazel eyes, tears still brimming over, lock on mine. I’m afraid she won’t be able to speak through the sobs still wracking through her petite frame. Keeping my hands on her face, I use my arms to bring her closer to me, offering the only support I can.

  “Dee’s pregnant,” she cries out as more tears fall.

  What the fuck! She’s crying, like this, because one of her best friends is pregnant?

  And, once again it comes back to Alex.

  My heart starts to harden. I try to understand, but I’m losing the battle. While she was gone learning her friend was pregnant, I was pouring my heart out to my Grams. I realized I wanted to find a way to have her in my life, not that I knew how, but she just showed me that that will never happen.

  A half hiccup, half sob escapes her lips, causing me to look at her, see that no matter how hurt I am I still want her and I hate myself for that. I still want to comfort her. Take away the pain that is making her every day unbearable.

  “Isn’t it a good thing that she’s pregnant, sweetness?” I feel like I’m talking to an injured child. She’s shaking her head yes, but the tears keep falling. I want to understand her reaction, but I can’t fathom how Deidre getting pregnant affects her this badly.

  “She… she told me… she… told me she thought one…. of us… would have… kids by now to… play with her… kids.” More sobs and fresh tears start. I drop my hands from her face and wrap her in my arms and she clings to my shirt, burying her face in my chest.

  Now, it’s time for me to let her talk this out. Thanks, Grams, for the advice.

  “Alex and me… we were… we were… oh God… I can’t tell you.” A scream of pure pain rips through her into my body, muffled by the barrier between us. All the anger I felt at her moments before is gone. Her grief is now mine, her pain is shredding me.

  “Shhhh, sweetness, it’s ok. I’ve got you. I get it. You and Alex were trying for a baby, weren’t you?” I’m trying hard to keep my voice soothing, calm, whatever she needs to keep her talking and hopefully get her to stop crying.

  “You don’t get it, Tucker. No one does,” she yelps looking up at me, devastation in her face. “I was pregnant when the accident happened. I let my babies die.”

  Oh God—Motherfucker NO! This is so much worse than I thought. She’s not just grieving Alex. And did she say babies? What the hell happened in that accident? No wonder she hasn’t been able to move on. Why would Deidre make a comment about kids unless…

  Wait, what does she mean she let her babies die? This doesn’t make sense. How do I now know something I don’t think her friends know?

  Shit!

  I asked her to let me in and she did. But, how do I help her when I can’t help myself?

  Chapter Thirty Six

  Adriana

  “Oh God, Tucker… I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed…” My body shutters, sobs wrack through me. I’m trying to pull myself together, but the tears keep coming, the pain ripping through me, shredding my insides. I haven’t let myself think of the twins in so long. One comment unraveled my entire world. The wounds I thought were healing are now wide open and festering.

  Tucker’s strong arms tighten around me, wrapping me in a cocoon of muscles. I should push him away. I don’t deserve to have him here, but I’m too weak. I can’t bring myself to feel the emptiness that will come if I ask him to go away.

  He’s whispering to me, telling me it will be alright as he rubs my hair. If only he knew it can never be alright for me again. Nothing he says or does will ever take it away. It can never get better, but I let him keep comforting me because it feels good to be in his arms. But, the more it feels good to be in his arms, the more I get angry with myself. I shouldn’t be allowing myself any comfort, any w
armth, any peace. I don’t deserve any of that. I deserve all the pain I feel.

  “Let go of me,” I shout breaking out of his embrace, feeling instantly guilty at the hurt expression on his face. “I’m sorry, Tucker. I don’t deserve you or your comfort. You don’t understand.” I’m trying to make him understand, but I don’t know how to.

  “Shhh. Adriana, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about. You’re grieving. I get it. It’s okay to―”

  “It’s not okay and it’s never going to be okay. You don’t get it.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. His eyes are moving all over my face, trying to find some understanding of what is going on with me. I keep expecting pity, but there’s only compassion and part of me hates him for that because he’s breaking through my walls.

  “Don’t you see? I lost my babies in that accident, Tucker, but I was so busy worrying about Alex that I didn’t even think about them. How could I not think about them? How could I not feel them leaving me, not know I was losing them? It was my job to protect them. I was their mom and I didn’t think of them once. Not for one second. I only thought of Alex.”

  Fresh tears fall and new pain rips through me thinking of my babies knowing I didn’t love them enough to give them one thought. I did love them, though. I only wish they had known that before they died.

  “Adriana, you were in shock. You had just been in a car accident and your husband was dying in front of you. You were so focused on trying to keep him with you. You can’t blame yourself for this.”

  I can hear Tucker pleading with me to believe him. I see the honesty in his face, but I know the truth. A mother protects her children with her own life. My children are gone and I’m still here. I never fought for mine. Didn’t even raise a fist. I failed.

  “I knew Alex was dying, but I didn’t think of them once. Not one time. What kind of mother does that? Not even before leaving the house. I knew it had snowed and the roads were slippery. I should have made dinner at home. But I wanted to go to Alex’s favorite restaurant and I had them set up two highchairs at our table.” Sobs take over my body again, the memory of what I planned temporarily paralyzing me in a mental movie, causing a pain I’m afraid I’ll never come back from.