Craving Control

by Kylie Hillman

  “No,” I reply. “It’s never crossed my mind before.”

  Turning my back to her, I reach into the centre console and retrieve the small box I stashed there earlier tonight—my fail-safe in case she wasn’t amendable to my charms after I let her dodge me all week. When I make a move to head around the back of her house, Maddi takes me by the hand and leads me to the back of the truck instead.

  “Let’s hang out here,” Maddi suggests. “Just the two of us. It’ll be better than out there.”

  If that’s what she wants, that’s what she’ll get. I wanted to give her my gift with an audience—all the better to rub it in the face of those who matter most—but now I think about it, it’ll probably go down better by ourselves. No one can raise their objections and sway her mind if they don’t know until after it’s a done deal.

  I have a swag that I keep in the back for when I’ve had too much to drink in town or when it’s time to muster our livestock overnight. Jumping into the back first, I take a moment roll it out and fluff the blankets inside before I grip Maddi by the waist and lift her into the tray of my truck with me.

  We lie down together, a silent comradery growing between us as we do exactly as she suggested and watch the stars. It’s relaxing, soothing almost, and I quickly forget that I should be pissed off at her.

  “Thanks for tonight,” Maddi breaks the silence a little while later.

  “No problem.” I turn over and look at her. The box I pushed in my pocket pokes me—a solid remember that I shouldn’t let her proximity lull me into complacency. I have a plan for tonight and I need to stick to it. “Although, I’m not sure what you’re thanking me for?”

  Maddi snuggles closer, nuzzling the side of my neck with her nose. She breathes in deeply, holding her breath, before the warm air she exhales sends tingles running all over me.

  “You smell good,” she muses.

  Pressing my lips against her forehead, I reply. “And you’re completely edible.”

  She giggles. I let the sound wash over me before I roll half over her and pull her closer.

  With a finger under her chin, I lift her head until she’s facing me properly.

  “I want you to wear this ring Maddi, so I can show everyone you’re committed to me. That we’re committed to each other.” The words fall out of my mouth in a rush. My eagerness to receive her answer is loud and clear, and I continue in the same vein as I explain what the ring means to me. “It’s one of my nana’s rings, so it’s really special to me. I know it's your favourite stone. You'll love it, Maddi.”

  My fingers shake as I sit up and yank the box out of my pocket. The lid opens with a groan. Plucking the ring my dad gave me all those weeks ago free from the velvet cushion it sits in, I hold it out to Maddi. Wide eyed surprise covers her face. She presses her lips together and shakes her head.

  Sitting upright, she finally gives me an answer.

  “I don’t think—” I cut her off by laying my finger against her lips.

  My grasp is firm when I take hold of her left hand and pull her to me.

  “I know you’ll think this is coming out of nowhere, but it's not. I’m certain you’re the only one for me, and I want some way of telling the world that you’re mine. At least until you turn eighteen and I can make it official. I’m in love with you, Maddi. Promise you'll be mine forever.”

  As declarations go, it’s not my best.

  It is, however, the complete truth from the bottom of my blackened heart.

  I’m open, exposed to her scorn, and it feels oddly exhilarating.

  Vulnerable isn’t a state that I’m comfortable in—for Maddi, I’m willing to give almost anything a try.

  Apart from ending my quest for revenge on her twin.

  Maddi’s expression changes rapidly. First, she appears surprised, then her features soften, and romantic whimsy floods her face. Its appearance causes hope to flower in my chest, only for it to die out nearly as quickly as it grew. Bitter disappointment sparks in my stomach, building into a torrent of resentment when she speaks.

  “You're right. I do think this is coming out of nowhere.” Maddi laughs. It’s a nervous sound, telegraphing her uncomfortableness along with her rigid posture. “I'm sorry, but I didn't realise that you think we’re at this stage. I'm not getting engaged to you, Brendan. Not at seventeen or once I'm eighteen. I’m really surprised that you're asking me since we aren’t even officially dating.”

  Her expression softens, and I have to force myself to tamp down on my expectations. It’s clear that I’ve played this all wrong. I need to find a way to dial down my enthusiasm and use the awkward, panicked kind of pity she’s feeling for me against her. If I can make her think that she’s got the wrong end of the stick, maybe I can salvage this situation enough to turn it in my favour?

  “I’m not talking about getting engaged yet, my silly darling girl. I simply want to make what is between us official. I want a symbol that shows everyone you're with me. This is a commitment ring, not an engagement ring.”

  Maddi’s face turns red straightaway. The sight of her blushing buoys my sagging spirits and convinces me that I’m on the right track, finally.

  “Well, I feel kind of stupid for jumping to conclusions,” Maddi says in a tiny voice. “Honestly, I haven't really put too much thought into this, but I suppose there’s no harm in wearing your ring. Let’s see where this goes.”

  I clench the ring in my hand hard enough to turn my knuckles white. Every time I think I have Madelaine O’Brien pegged, she goes and shows me another side to her. This one—this oddly blasé streak—I do not like. But beggars can’t be choosers, so I’ll take what I can get and go from there.

  When Maddi reaches out to take the ring from me, I jerk it out of her range. A mocking laugh falls from my lips before I can stop it, although I go with it when I see Maddi’s eyebrows draw together in a frown. My reaction is pushing her buttons, and not in a good way.

  “Don't you think you are kind of messed up, Maddi?” I ask. Her lips thin as she presses them together. I decide to roll with it and niggle her some more. “Aren't I supposed to be the commitment-phobe and you the one pushing to make things official? Jesus, it's not like I'm not a catch. Every single girl you know would give anything to be sitting where you are.”

  Her silence is deafening. My barb has hit home.

  Clasping her left hand tighter, I tug until she extends her arm to me. I’ve slid the ring to her first knuckle before she jerks her hand away and thrusts her right hand at me.

  “I’d feel more comfortable wearing it on my right hand.”

  A sad disappointment overwhelms me at her request. I try to hide it, but it’s too much. She sinks her teeth into her bottom lip and gives me an apologetic smile. It almost makes up for the ludicrous response she’s had to my declarations of love, and I feel my ire dampen a little.

  If Maddi was any other girl around here, I’d walk away and show her exactly what she’s missing by refusing to jump at the opportunity I’m offering her. Instead, I swallow my pride and push the ring onto the ring finger on her right hand.

  My nana’s sapphire and diamond ring looks like it was made especially for Maddi’s slim, elegant hand. It sits proudly on her finger, sparkling like a surreptitious handcuff, proclaiming to the world that she is taken by a man with expensive tastes and the deep wallet to match.

  One last time tonight, I lay my heart on the line. “Eventually I'm going to make you break out of this holding pattern you have us in, Maddi.”

  It doesn’t work. Annoyance narrows her bright blue eyes and she snaps at me in a way she never has before. “I’m seventeen, Brendan, not twenty-two. I have plans for my life, and I'm not willing to let anything get in the way. You know that getting into a law school in Brisbane next year is my only goal right now. So, forgive me for not being sure where getting serious with you fits into that when you live here.”

  As excuses go, Maddi’s aren’t much. What might seem out of reach for a normal ma
n, is easily fixable when you have the wealth and family pedigree that I do. If this is all she’s worried about, then we’re off to a good start.

  I make sure that my expression appears understanding, pleading even, as I gently rebuff her hurried protests with my reasonable solutions.

  “I know that, and I support you with everything you’re planning. Like a boyfriend should,” I state with genuine affection as I use the foreign label to describe myself. Who would have thought? Me, willingly agreeing to be someone’s boyfriend. “I want to go to Brisbane with you. There’s nothing holding me here until Dad gets too old to work our land by himself. By then, you’ll have your degree and plenty of experience. We can work out our next move when we need to.”

  Maddi’s features lose the haughty indignation that’s coloured them since I told her I loved her. I take this softening as a sign to keep pressing my advantage.

  “I know you don’t feel the same about me, yet, but you will. As you just pointed out, I’m older than you. That means I appreciate what we have more than you do. Feelings grow and yours will. I'll make sure of it.”

  She’s not completely sold—hell, I’m not either, if I’m honest. What I do know is that we have a good, solid base to explore from, and I’ve learned an invaluable lesson in dealing with Maddi if she ever does decide to leave me.

  Treat her as an equal but make it clear that she’s actually a little bit immature and slightly inferior. For all her strength of character, Maddi is oddly self-conscious about her age and her status in the world. It’s a sensitive soft that I plan to make the most of.

  Unexpectedly, Maddi climbs on to my lap, straddling me so she can face me. I wrap my arms around her waist, holding her to me as she plants a quick peck on my mouth. While her body makes it appear that she’s on board with my solutions, I can feel reticence surging through her.

  Her reaction isn’t fully genuine. She’s play acting the part of my girlfriend. Giving me the response she believes I want.

  “I feel like a complete bitch for what I just said. I'm sorry. And you're right. I’m not in love with you, but I do have some feelings for you.”

  Despite my shrewd assessment of her motives, excitement heats my blood and a smile starts to curl my lips. It dies a quick death when she continues, “I want to see where this relationship goes, so I'll try to forget about next year and concentrate on now. We’ll make decisions about our future when the time comes.”

  Disappointment closes my throat, which is probably a blessing because I don’t trust myself to speak. Maddi has ripped the wind from my sails and dumped me on my head in the middle of the ocean. With her lush body pressed against mine, her scent the only thing I can smell. Our body heat mingles, and I fight the urge to crush her as I hug her tighter to me.

  In my mind’s eye, all I can see is Maddi running up to Mikhail Kennedy and throwing herself into his arms. I see her legs close around his waist, reminiscent of the way she’s sitting on me now, and all I want to do is hunt him down and kill him in front of her. That way, he’ll be out of the way permanently, and Maddi will know, in no uncertain terms, that she belongs to me.

  The urge is almost overwhelming. I begin to fear that I won’t be able to control it when a solution pops into my head. Hugo warned me tonight, and I let my desire to label what I have with Maddi deter me from the path I should be pursuing.

  I lift my head from out of her neck and say, “Now that we are official, I think you should stay home with me this weekend instead of going away with your family to that birthday party.”

  She gasps. I don’t know if she’s shocked that I know about the party—she did mention it in passing at the bonfire—or if she’s offended that I would ask her to stay home.

  “Why would I do that?” Maddi pulls out of my embrace and stares at me. Her beautiful eyes are clouded with confusion. “It’s my best friend’s birthday. We’ll be okay spending a weekend apart.”

  In my head, I’m attempting to formulate a response to her very reasonable questions when I hear her laugh at me. The melodic peals of laughter ring true from her lips. They freeze my blood in my veins and send my head into a tailspin.

  Without thinking through the repercussions, I seize her by her upper arms and shake her. Hard. Fast. Furiously. Fear mingles with anger in her eyes, but it barely registers with my addled wits.

  Instead, all I keep thinking about is what she just did.

  Maddi. Laughed. At. Me.

  I am not a joke.

  I am her man and my word must be heeded.

  “You just said that you’re my woman now.” I spit the words at her, emphasising each sentence with another shake. “That means you don’t get to go away without me or mess around with other men. Who knows what you’ll get up to without me there. I know you have a past with this Mik you’re always talking about, but now that you’re wearing my ring, it has to stop!”

  Pulling her closer, my forehead is nearly touching hers. I frantically search her eyes for a clue to what she’s thinking. I find nothing, but indignation tinged with her horror at my behaviour. My mind is screaming at me to hurt her. My fingers are alight with the power to bruise her, and all I want to do is see the imprint of my hands on her smooth skin.

  A mark that proves she’s mine.

  “Do it,” the voice inside my head chants.

  “Mark her,” it advises.

  “Hurt her, now.”

  My muscles shake with need. This is the strongest my demon has ever sounded. I screw my eyes shut and count backward from one hundred. The urges haven’t been this hard to fight for years, not since the last time I truly messed up by giving into them, instead of seeking my release elsewhere. I’m losing the battle, shaking Maddi like a rag doll, and visualising sinking my teeth in her shoulder to taste her blood when the spell is broken.

  Maddi slaps her hands against my chest. She digs her nails into my pecs. The pain is dull, but it registers enough for me to silence the voice in my head for few seconds.

  “Let go of me, please. You’re completely wrong. Mik and I have never been together. He’s literally my best friend. That’s it.” She doesn’t plead with me like the others. No, she asks firmly in a tone that brooks no arguments. I hear her—however I can’t make my grip loosen.

  “You’re the only man to have touched me in any way. You’re my first boyfriend.”

  The final two statements break through the haze. The meaning of the words hit me in the chest, and I regain my senses.

  Does this mean I was right?

  Am I truly her only?

  Crushing her to me in a bear hug, I breath in her essence before I ask the question that’s been burning a hole in my brain since I met her.

  “Are you saying you’re a virgin?”

  “Yes, I am,” Maddi mumbles. “What gave you the idea that I wasn’t? Why would you think that Mik and I had a relationship? You’ve never even met him.”

  My filter is gone, any semblance to my typically cultured persona has been lost to my brain snap. I answer her questions, whining like a prepubescent teen and hating myself for my weakness the entire time.

  “Your entire family’s always talking about you two like you’re an old married couple or something. I know you call each other all the time, plus you go to Brisbane to stay with him. They like him a lot more than they like me.”

  Maddi laughs once more. My hackles rise in response until I realise that she’s not laughing at me. She’s laughing at the situation.

  “Oh my God! Mik’s my dad’s godson—His dad is my dad’s best friend. I’ve known him since I was born. We’ve been best friends since our moms died two months apart. He’s awesome and I love him, but not in a boyfriend way.”

  Well, colour me stupid and hide me in the top drawer with the other crayons.

  Embarrassment floods my entire body. Hugo and Nita played me. They played me like Angus Young plays his guitar and I walked straight into their trap like I was Stevie Wonder in search of his piano.

  Wh
en I see them next, God help them both.

  Now, it’s time to see if I can fix what I almost broke with my lapse in control.

  “I’m so sorry, Maddi. I snapped at you for nothing. I’m such a jerk! I was jealous,” I apologise quickly, my humiliation heating my face. “I'm glad you're only ever going to be with me.”

  I am humbled, but most of my remorse is fake.

  It’s an unfortunate side effect of my condition that my episodes always feel justified afterward. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. Personally, I’m of the belief that the world would run a lot smoother if everyone took what they wanted like I do—brazenly and without excuses.

  “It’s okay. I’m still not ready to take the next step with you,” Maddi replies.

  I can see that her ego has been stroked by my unfortunate reaction, so I take her quiet dismissal with good grace. She is blaming my overreaction on jealousy when it actually stems from my need to defend the ownership I feel over her.

  Tilting her face to mine, I press my lips against hers. She tries to play hard to get, but I refuse to allow her games. I pull at her waist with a harsh grip, moving her until she’s straddling my lap again, then kiss her with every ounce of desire that’s coursing through me.

  It takes Maddi a second to adjust to the change in intensity. I’ve kissed her before, but never like this. As she yields to my blatant domination, she steals my breath from straight out of my lungs. A palpable sense of ownership overwhelms me at the knowledge that I’m the only person to have ever touched her. It creates a vacuum in my soul, sucking in her innocent essence and capturing her in my vortex forever. To have this girl as mine—and only mine. It brings to the fore a heady desire to control that is going to be hard to contain.

  Initiating her in my ways is going to be an exercise in frustration in the beginning.

  I am hopeful that she’ll adapt quickly.

  The front light comes on and Benji O’Brien pokes his head out the front door.

  “It’s midnight, Maddi. Get your ass inside,” he orders his twin.

  Maddi pulls away from me instantly, although she does flip him the finger for interrupting us. I’m reluctant to let her go since I’m sporting a hard cock that wants nothing more than to bury itself inside her body. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like this is going to be possible tonight.