The platform above Fudge finally gave way as the furious elephant pulled out the support column. The platform collapsed and the crates stacked up on it came tumbling down, smashing to the floor and breaking into a thousand pieces.
The guards leapt out of the way, but they still had their guns and they were training them on the elephant on the loose, and there was no way to stop them.
10. Surprised? You’re Telling Me!
SHWOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!
Mum seemed to come from nowhere, swinging through the air on the end of a rope, like Tarzan but without the loin cloth and all that stuff. She came arcing down, feet first and –
BEDDUNNKK! CLUNNGGG!!! OOOFFFFF!!!!!
The gang went down like ninepins as she smashed into them. Only one was left on his feet and already he was swinging his gun round on Mum, taking aim as the rope carried her across to the other side of the warehouse. And then –
SPLODDOINNGG!
This time it was Batpants doing the Tarzan act. The orang-utan came swinging down at a high speed. As she swooshed overhead she let go and dropped slap bang down on the last guard’s head. The gun went off harmlessly and they both fell to the floor and had a gigantic wrestling match.
Never wrestle with an orang-utan! They are incredibly strong. Besides, they’ll probably suffocate you with their long hair, if nothing else. Batpants was soon sitting on top of a whimpering guard. And as if that wasn’t enough action for the day –
SPLINNGGGG!
Bright spotlights suddenly flooded the whole warehouse and more voices began shouting.
‘Cut! That was brilliant! Utterly, utterly brilliant! The best bit of action film we’ve ever done!’
Out of the shadows a figure emerged – a short, fat man with a thick beard, thick black spectacles and a big grin. He shook hands with Dad AND THEN HE SHOOK HANDS WITH ALL THE KIDNAPPERS! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
Dad flung an arm round me and hugged me close. ‘You were great, Tilly. It was all perfect.’
I pushed him away, completely confused.
‘I don’t understand, Dad. What’s happening?’
Manley was going round and grinning at everyone. ‘Boy, that was quite something. Kids, you were fantastic.’
Mum joined us. Both my parents were smiling broadly. ‘Sorry,’ began Mum. ‘We couldn’t tell you because it wouldn’t have worked out. We had to keep it a secret.’
‘KEEP WHAT A SECRET?’ I shouted. ‘I DON’T UNDERSTAND. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON?’
‘We’ve been making a film,’ said Mum. ‘Dad told you he and Manley and India were working on a film with Fudge. Well, this IS the film. The kidnappers are actually actors working for the film company.’
Dad looked at me while I let all this sink in. So it had all been a trick. It wasn’t real. They were making a film. Huh! So all the time I’d been scaring myself to death it was for nothing. Just play-acting.
‘Thanks a million, everyone. I thought you were all in deep danger. I really thought that. I was frightened and worried and thought you might die. I even thought I might die. I was even worried about Zak, for heaven’s sake! Now it turns out it was all a sham.’
Dad hugged me again. ‘I know, honey. Sorry, but it was the only way we could be sure we would get a good performance from all of you.’
I frowned. ‘What performance?’ I asked.
‘You and Zak creeping up to untie us. All that stuff with the guards and so on. We weren’t sure how you would actually do it, but we knew you would do something, and of course Mum and Batpants were in on it too.’
‘So even the orang-utan knew! But not us kids!’ I blurted angrily.
Mum tried to stroke my hair to calm me down but I wasn’t having any of that and pulled away sharply. ‘We wanted you children to be in the film,’ Mum explained. ‘And we wanted you to think it was real so you would believe in what you were doing. You children are going to be starring in the film.’
I might have known Zak would be impressed. He is won over so easily and now he was walking on air.
‘Wow – I’m in a movie. I’m going to be a star.’
‘You’re already my star, sweety-pie,’ gushed India. ‘You saved me from that horrible gang and cut me free.’ India tilted up her head and kissed him. Could things get any worse? Yes, because Batpants saw the smooching couple and decided that she wanted to kiss ME! Urrrrgghh!
Well, that’s what happened. That’s how Finn and Zak and I came to star in a film. (Not to mention Thursday the earwig, who had hidden in Finn’s pocket when it all got too noisy.) We even went to the premiere and walked on the red carpet and gave autographs and everything. So did Fudge and Batpants. They were the biggest stars of all and everyone loved them.
After the film we were all taken out for a meal at a really flash restaurant. I mean, they even had linen napkins! Manley Strutt was there and all the big stars of the film, plus Mum and Dad and the kidnappers that weren’t kidnappers, and India. Sadly we couldn’t fit Fudge in and she had to stay behind, but Batpants was allowed to join us.
‘She’s very well behaved,’ Mum told the waiters, keeping her fingers crossed.
Batpants sat between India and Manley and showed everyone how good her table manners were. She even wiped her mouth with a napkin! Mind you, she also wiped India’s mouth, and Manley’s, and anyone else’s mouth that she could reach with her long hairy arms.
Then she discovered the olives. There were several bowls of olives on the table for people to pick at. Do you like olives? I don’t. They look like rabbit droppings and taste like them too as far as I’m concerned. Mum says it’s a grown up taste and I’ll like them when I’m older. Huh. I don’t think so.
Anyhow, Batpants took a bowl of olives and tipped the whole lot into her mouth. She chewed a little and a strange expression came over her face. Finn and I have seen that expression before. We looked at each other and grinned. Sure enough Batpants’ cheeks began to swell up. They bulged more and more and more until suddenly –
RATTA-TATTA-SPLATTA!!!
A stream of black olives came shooting from her mouth like bullets, spraying the entire table and the other side of the restaurant. People screamed and fell backwards off their chairs. Manley Strutt clawed at the table and managed to bring that down with him. The entire dinner splodged everywhere, especially on top of Manley. Half the guests were screaming and yelling about their ruined clothes, their ruined hair and their ruined handbags. And every time Manley Strutt tried to struggle to his feet he skidded on the food-covered floor and fell back down again.
It was the biggest mess I have ever seen in the whole of my life and it was BRILLIANT! Batpants loved it too. She jumped up and down, waving her long arms in the air and shouting to the sky in triumph.
‘Hoo hoo hoo HAAAAAAAAAH’!
I don’t think Batpants will be asked to make another film for a while! (But I hope we are.)
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First published 2011
Text copyright © Jeremy Strong, 2011
Illustrations copyright © Rowan Clifford, 2011
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Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
ISBN: 978-0-14-193060-2
Batpants and the Vanishing Elephant Page 6