Abbie's Gift

by M. R. THOMAS

  By half way Abbie found herself reduced to a mere walking pace. Had she set off too fast? She wondered. She could feel sweat against her skin, and her breath was rising in clouds into the atmosphere like a train blowing steam high into the air.

  Abbie focused simply on just trying to keep moving, but several metres further on all her strength was virtually gone. She estimated that she was only about 30 meters short of the summit but the last incline was lethal, stopping her again in her tracks. Hands on hips she panted for breath, her mouth dry and desperate for moisture as she walked the remaining distance to the top of the hill.

  Despite not yet achieving this goal Abbie wasn’t disheartened; she actually felt invigorated, and she would keep trying as she knew one day she would accomplish it.

  Abbie felt that, despite the extreme effort of running the hill, overall the running time had been short by her recent standards, so once she had recovered her breath she set off down to the park and completed a few more steady laps before heading home.

  As she went into the house the heat hit her, as the central heating had been on. She took a large drink of water and went upstairs, the shower a place of refuge for her.

  The word ‘Lilith’ kept coming back to her so, showered and changed, she decided to do some research and sat down at the computer. The information that she found was quite remarkable, something she had never anticipated, but it still didn’t give her any answers.

  Chapter 14

  At the next appointment with Daniel West, Abbie felt more confident as she knew what to expect. However, deep down she was beginning to doubt whether it would truly help her.

  Daniel questioned her about how she had been feeling over recent days, and how her moods had affected her. What had made her happy, what had caused her to be sad?

  Abbie answered to the best of her ability as she had to the GP, that good and bad days were unpredictable.

  Then Daniel asked her what had specifically caused her to have her last difficult day, and she proceeded to tell him about her dream, admitting her embarrassment in that it sounded stupid.

  Daniel listened to her intently.

  Abbie described how it all seemed so real and that the feeling had stayed with her, constantly coming back into her thoughts.

  “What do you think this creature represents?” He asked.

  Abbie was unsure how to answer,

  “A kind of gremlin or demon” she said, “but on waking I didn’t feel scared as I had in the dream”.

  “In our dreams” Daniel said “often our unconscious tries to communicate with us, and such creatures can represent a part of ourselves that we don’t like or dark desires that we fear getting out into the open. Such imagery is not uncommon, but some schools of psychology reckon that it’s mumbo jumbo”.

  “And you?” Abbie queried.

  “The former. I believe the unconscious can be a very useful source of information about attitudes and behaviour, and if analysed correctly it can be a very helpful guide. But I am also very open to ideas of spirituality and the existence of an afterlife and a spiritual dimension. In a lot of my work with people I deal with those who struggle with what can be called spiritual or religious issues”.

  “In the dream the creature spoke to me” said Abbie, looking Daniel West in the eye to gauge his response.

  He did not flinch or raise an eyebrow,

  “What did it say to you?”

  “You won’t laugh?”

  “Not if I’m not meant to” He smiled.

  “It pointed at me and called me Lilith”.

  “OK and what does that represent to you?”

  ‘”I had no idea, and then I got curious and looked it up, it surprised me”.

  “What did you find out?”

  “Well”, said Abbie, “Lilith is a female demon, a fallen goddess, that sort of thing”.

  “Did you come across the first wife of Adam stuff?”

  “No, what’s that?”

  “In religion,” said Daniel “according to I believe Jewish mythology; Lilith was the first wife of Adam, not Eve. She was very single-minded and would not submit to him as he wanted and so she left him and the Garden of Eden and was then cursed of God, and she became a lustful demon seducing men. Subsequently, the Eve of Genesis fame we all know came on the scene.”

  “I read that she was demon but didn’t know this had happened”.

  “Apparently there is much scholarly debate about whether Lilith is actually mentioned in the Old Testament at all; it’s certainly not in Genesis”.

  “So, Abbie” continued Daniel, “knowing all that, how does that make you feel and how does that relate to your dream do you think?”

  “Right now it doesn’t make me feel anything really, a bit confused maybe, not sure why, it’s odd and hard to understand but I’m not afraid, and I probably won’t dream it again, and if I do I’ll have to deal with it that’s all”.

  “Good, glad to hear it. These things come from our unconscious, and you may never understand it fully. I see our unconscious processes as our guardian, as something that doesn’t give us things we can’t deal with; it’s a filter, our protector. This dream most likely has no significance in terms of what was said; it’s just a name that came up.”

  Abbie agreed a further session in two weeks’ time. On her way out, she realised that she had again appreciated the time, it had helped her put recent events and experiences into context, but then only if it had really been a dream, and this was now something of which she could no longer be sure.

  Later that day Abbie sat her kitchen table with her computer; she’d also written in her journal about the information that she had found about Lilith and how this could possibly relate to her own circumstances and life.

  She looked at the pages she had formulated from her internet research - descriptions, opinions, myths and legends.

  ‘Lilith, the first wife of Adam, not sub-servant to him, banished from Eden, became an evil female demon, seducer of men, queen of demons’.

  This information though didn’t give her any answers to why this creature had in fact appeared to her, and more importantly what did it think and want?

  She was not Lilith, so why had it mistaken her?

  Abbie then read a further description which gave her a different opinion, one that might in fact hold the key to her understanding all this.

  Lilith did not want to be subservient to Adam, her husband, in anything; she felt she was his equal and so did not let him lie on top of her, but rather she was on top of him when they were physical together. Abbie realised this so often mirrored her own position when she’d been with Peter as, due to their height differences, it made it easier for her. Also she was aware that this was how it seemed when they had been together and when they made love in the astral plane, although without her physical body it was only what she’d felt they had experienced.

  Maybe the creature had maybe seen this? Indeed, Abbie recalled something that made her feel uncomfortable once passing close by her when she was with Peter. Maybe it had seen her, watched her and thought she was Lilith? His queen to whom he is in awe, desiring her, even courageous enough to show himself to her, but not daring to make a sexual approach, hoping instead she would desire and take him? Was that it? Oh my God!

  Abbie did some more searches on demons in general and uncovered some very interesting and insightful information.

  There were several different classifications of demons, as each religion seemed to have its own ideas.

  She read about the original seven deadly sins, the idea of a Jesuit priest Peter Binsfield from the year 1589, maintaining in particular that a demon was responsible for each specific type of sin such as Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, Wrath, Greed, Lust, and Pride. This classification was one of the first that had been used since early Christian times and, whilst this was interesting it didn’t quite add up for her or address her concerns.

  Abbie noted that some of these classifications were produced directly from
supposed information gathered during exorcisms, when the demons spoke through their victim. She also read another description that was adopted in the 16th century, that there were different demons for each month of the year, and in that particular month they were their strongest and most active. This was the same as the explanation Isaac and Sarah had given; this could be the answer, thought Abbie.

  She read on about the demon for the month of November and couldn’t believe what she was reading; everything seemed to be falling into place in her mind, and the start of finding all the answers, she hoped.

  This demon was responsible for all types of lust and sexual deviance. As he got stronger as the month went on, so he had been able to reveal himself to her. In time as the year continued to pass he would lose his strength again and then maybe disappear she thought, maybe only until next year? His name was Asmodeus and he was mentioned in different religions throughout the world.

  The key thing, Abbie realised, was that he held Lilith in such very high esteem; he had shown himself and his sexual prowess but surely that was all he could do?

  Abbie tried to write all this down in some sort of logical and understandable order, so she hoped that after she’d slept on it, it would still be clear to her and not lost in the confusion of her fickle mind.

  My God, she thought, who would have thought this? It’s just so mad and not of this world, but putting the pieces together, it all makes sense with what’s been happening to me.

  All this was a huge relief for Abbie; she felt that in many ways that these answers had lifted a huge burden from her mind and emotions. She now understood it and could carry on, and this new understanding gave her power and control.

  When Abbie went to bed that night it was with a much calmer mind than she’d experienced in many days. Lying in the dark she reflected on her meeting with Daniel West: it had been useful she thought, but did it achieve anything? Of that she felt unsure. At least the session had not been a source of turmoil or pain so, in that sense, it had been a success.

  As she lay in the darkness Abbie wondered about getting away for a few days’ break, did she really need it? She decided that it would do her good and no harm could come of it, but where should she go? This was her final thought as she drifted off to sleep.

  In the morning, rather than running, Abbie decided that some basic stretches would be more beneficial as she planned several hours of sitting in the car to wherever. Besides, she thought, there would be time for lots of running over the next few days.

  Abbie spent twenty minutes loosening her leg muscles as she listened to the radio, wondering where she would go - north or south, east or west?

  She usually had no trouble at all in making decisions, but now she was at a loss, and a decision evaded her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath: her mind seemed to say north, so that was decided then she thought…maybe!

  By late morning she had packed enough for a few days away, two or three nights she thought at the most. She had agreed to call in on her mum for lunch before she left and, before leaving the house she called Kate and left her an answerphone message saying she was going away for few days and would call her.

  After a lunch of soup and sandwiches, her mum hugged Abbie tightly and waved her off, telling her to call once she’d arrived wherever she was going. Rose too was surprised that Abbie was going away without a destination in mind, not exactly like her, but still she was going and Rose thought a few days away would do her good.

  As Abbie drove along she listened to the radio, the smooth melodies drifting through the airwaves lending their own unique presence and emotions to the eager listeners.

  After several hours of driving Abbie found her mind wandering and thinking of Peter, being with him again as she would be that night. Should she tell him of her new found knowledge? No, she thought, that’s all dealt with, she did not want to distress him, and besides she thought maybe he already knows; if he did though it hadn’t been mentioned, maybe he was protecting her?

  Abbie’s thoughts returned to more pressing matters as the afternoon continued: she needed somewhere to stay; she wanted it to be near the coast, to enjoy the sea air.

  Reading her map she took a scenic route across moorland, very remote and wild, not the best type of place to break down she thought.

  After passing through some pretty villages complete with stone cottages and neat gardens, and village greens with large grassy areas, she crested a brow in the road and there in front of her she could see the coast, the wonderful blue hue of the sea in the distance. It couldn’t have been more than a few hundred metres away, and something stirred inside her: this was the place, she knew it felt right.

  Abbie stopped her car at the side of the road to take in the view and realised that, due to the light, she couldn’t tell where the sky became the sea; it all merged into one, a deep blue that spread to the expanse of the horizon in every direction.

  Abbie drove on into a small seaside village dotted with brightly coloured houses, a few shops, a pub and a cafe. There was a small harbour with boats that looked to be resting after the summer season, and at the end of the street as the road left the village was an old lifeboat station. Everywhere seemed quiet, but Abbie could imagine the hustle and bustle of tourists at the height of the summer,

  The whole place, no more than a few hundred metres long, was picturesque and inviting and Abbie felt almost compelled to stop there, but she continued to drive out of the village and up the hill as there was no suitable turning point. The road was very quiet, winding left and right as it rose upwards on the headland, and then at the top Abbie saw what she was looking for: a small area to stop the car off the road, so she pulled over.

  In front of her was a vast wide beach that spread out for several miles around a curved bay. Abbie got out of the car to look. It was completely deserted, and the only interruption to the silence was the sound of waves crashing onto the shoreline.

  This was it, she thought, picture perfect, almost exactly as she’d imagined. A vast and beautiful and deserted place, with a huge expanse of beach. Somewhere to run by the sea, tranquil yet invigorating.

  Abbie turned the car round and headed back down the hill, noticing on the way a man in a beige coat walking up the hill; he was using a stick to assist on the gradient and as she passed him, he smiled and gave her a wave of acknowledgment, which Abbie returned.

  Once back in the village she looked for a B&B sign but couldn’t see any, so she stopped at the shop to ask for directions.

  As Abbie went in, she was greeted with a sense of old-world charm, and a fragrance she couldn’t quite make out.

  An elderly man looked up from his newspaper as she entered.

  “Good afternoon miss”’

  “Hello, I was wondering if you can help me?”

  “I’ll certainly try” was the reply.

  “I’m looking for somewhere to stay for a few days, are there any guest houses in the village?”

  “No” he said shaking his head, “I’m afraid not in this village, and the pub doesn’t do rooms either. There are some holiday lets in the village, but you’re out of season and I don’t know who the letting agents are. There is a guest house in the next village a few miles along the road, it the big white house on the entrance to the village on the right, called Sea View or something like that, how original” he laughed.

  “That’s a pity” said Abbie, “it’s so nice here”.

  At that moment a younger man came out from a back room and into the shop, and immediately caught Abbie’s eye and smiled,

  “I overheard your conversation and I might be able to help” he said, “we have a caravan for let out in the back; we let it all summer, it’s been empty a few weeks now but it’s totally fine and wouldn’t take long to warm it up if you would like to see it?”

  The older man smiled and shook his head, “sorry, I forgot about that with you saying you wanted a B&B. I didn’t think about the caravan”.

  “Are you sure?” a
sked Abbie. “It sounds perfect for a few nights, can I see it?”

  “Of course” said the younger man, “I’ll get the key”.

  A few minutes later Abbie was following him down the side path of the shop and into a long garden at the rear.

  “You’ll have to forgive my dad”, he said, “he’s getting very forgetful and sometimes can’t put 2 & 2 together, or if he does it comes out as 5 or 6!”

  Abbie smiled

  “It’s OK” she said, “he seems really nice”.

  They walked through a narrow entrance between the shrubs and behind a thick screen of hedges; the path of grass inlaid with stones led the way to the secluded area where the caravan sat nestled among a vista of autumnal colours, a perfect refuge from the world in an area of hidden tranquillity.

  “I’m Simon, by the way” he said handing Abbie the key.

  “Hello Simon, I’m Abbie” she said, unlocking the door.

  Although not new, the interior of the caravan didn’t seem old or worn, but rather snug and comfortably furnished: there was a small lounge area at one end, opposite a compact kitchen area with a bedroom and bathroom beyond. In an instant Simon had turned on the gas and lit the fire in the main seating area, it quickly came to life and warmth began penetrating the room.

  “Perfect!” said Abbie “I’d love to stay for a few nights, probably two or three but I’m not exactly sure yet, how much is it?”

  “I don’t know” he said, “what I mean is that it’s out of season and we don’t generally get to let it at this time of year. How about £50 for either the two or three nights, it’s up to you?”

  “Done” said Abbie offering her hand; Simon looked surprised then hesitantly took her hand gently and shook it. Abbie thought he didn’t seem overly confident around women but he had a definite sense of kindness about him.