06 Educating Jack

by Jack Sheffield

  At the bar, pipe and cigarette smoke hung heavy, like an undertaker’s shroud, and my eyes smarted as I ordered my pint of Chestnut Mild. Sheila was wearing her familiar bright-pink blouse, complete with Dallas shoulder pads, a black leather miniskirt and enough hairspray to stop a clock at ten paces. With her Dusty Springfield mascara, she felt like a million dollars.

  ‘Bit smoky in here tonight, Sheila,’ I said.

  ‘Goes ’and in ’and wi’ drinking, Mr Sheffield,’ said Sheila as she pulled on the hand pump. ‘Allus ’as, allus will.’

  Don looked up from the lounge bar. ‘They go t’gether like fish an’ chips, Mr Sheffield.’

  ‘Or an ’orse an’ carriage,’ added Old Tommy Piercy from behind a cloud of Old Holborn tobacco.

  ‘Or Cagney an’ Lacey,’ said Stevie ‘Supersub’ Cole-clough from the midst of the Ragley Rovers football team. This was immediately followed by an in-depth discussion among the footballers as to who was the more attractive of the two American detectives. The claims by Clint Ramsbottom that Lacey was more sensitive and definitely more intelligent gained little support and the blonde won hands down.

  In the familiar world of the taproom, some age-old Yorkshire customs were being challenged. ‘My round,’ said Shane Ramsbottom. He lit up a Piccadilly King Size filter cigarette and wandered over to the bar.

  ‘Ah’ll ’ave a lager,’ said his brother Clint.

  There was an intake of breath from the rest of the football team.

  ‘Lager!’ said Shane in disbelief. ‘Y’can’t drink lager. That’s a southerner’s drink, y’big nancy.’

  ‘Sorry, Shane,’ said Clint hurriedly, ‘mek it a bitter.’ He blushed and his red cheeks clashed horribly with the orange David Bowie streaks in his hair.

  ‘Ah should think so,’ said Shane. ‘Ah’m gettin’ worried abart you wi’ y’dyed ’air an’ puffy shirts.’

  ‘An’ ’is earring,’ said Big Dave.

  ‘An’ black eyeliner,’ added Little Malcolm for good measure.

  One thing was certain in Clint’s mind. He wasn’t going to order a lager again in The Royal Oak.

  Don began to pull the pints, flexing his ex-wrestler’s biceps. He knew his customers and smiled. It was well known that Don only ordered one nine-gallon firkin of Carlsberg lager per week for the passing trade. It wasn’t a popular drink with this bastion of Yorkshire drinkers, where mild or bitter was the usual order of the day. Even so, Don had noticed an increase in lager sales as each year went by. Times were changing but, in this rural community, some old habits seemed as though they would never die and Don smiled as he heard the familiar cry from the dominoes table.

  ‘Sheila luv, ’nother three Little Olds please,’ shouted ploughman Frank Middleton from the far corner of the taproom. Don had just carried up from the cellar a crate of twenty-four bottles of very strong John Smith’s beer, known as ‘Little Olds’, for the three brothers, Frank, Ollie and Keith Middleton, local agricultural labourers with heavy thirsts. After their day’s work, they would settle down at the dominoes table and order the ‘Special’ from the blackboard plus the strong beer. They would each drink eight bottles while playing their fives-and-threes dominoes game. It was a ritual that never changed.

  ‘Did y’watch it then, Dave?’ asked Don the barman as he wiped a pint pot with his York City tea towel.

  ‘’E means that new brekfas’ telly what started this morning,’ added Sheila as she leant over the bar to give the Ragley football team a substantial glimpse of the finest cleavage in the village.

  ‘No … it’ll never catch on,’ said Big Dave knowingly.

  ‘Y’reight there, Dave,’ added Little Malcolm, his ever-faithful supporter.

  ‘Ah’m not so sure, Dave,’ said Chris ‘Kojak’ Wojciechowski, whose broad Yorkshire accent belied his Polish ancestry. Chris, the Bald-Headed Ball Wizard, was never frightened to offer an opinion.

  ‘’Ow d’you mean?’ asked Big Dave, who, as team captain, considered his word to be law.

  ‘That Selina Scott’s a bit o’ ’ot stuff,’ said Chris.

  ‘Ah, well, now y’talkin’,’ said Big Dave, nodding in approval. ‘She’s loads more sexy than that Angela whats’er-name.’

  ‘Rippon,’ added the Ball Wizard quickly.

  A conversation broke out with every member of the team describing their favourite female presenter in graphic detail.

  ‘She’s got lovely legs, though, that Angela Rippon,’ interjected Sheila as she walked to the far end of the bar, ‘an’ she can dance.’

  Don gazed after his wife, an admiring look in his eyes. ‘But she ’asn’t got a figure like my Sheila,’ he said.

  ‘Y’reight there,’ said Little Malcolm.

  ‘It’s eighth wonder o’ t’world,’ said Don proudly.

  ‘So what’s t’other seven then?’ asked Shane.

  ‘Well there’s them ’anging gardens o’ Sally Lunn,’ said Clint.

  ‘An’ them pyramids what Elizabeth Taylor built in Cleopatra,’ said Don. And that’s as far as they got.

  Meanwhile, I was feeling hungry and I looked up at the ‘Specials’ board. It had changed. Sheila’s cousin, John Fotheringdale from Thirkby, was the only member of Sheila’s family with any academic qualifications. So his ‘C’ grade in GCE Art O-level made it inevitable that he would be commissioned to paint the new bar meals menu. On a large blackboard in neat white paint it read:

  The rabbit pie came courtesy of Pete the poacher, who turned up at odd times of the day with a sack over his shoulder. Likewise, he was the main provider of the contents of the soup, occasionally a bag of carrots or a bunch of nettles, depending on the season. Usually there was a lot of light-hearted bartering between Sheila and Pete that always ended in a free pint for our local poacher before he left once again to go ‘lamping’ in the dark with Sniffer, his lurcher dog.

  The Desperate Dan Cow Pie, a favourite of Deke Ramsbottom, was in fact a steak pie with a pastry top on which two pastry horns stood like a Viking helmet. A string of liquorice was the final embellishment for a tail.

  Big Dave and Little Malcolm joined me in staring at the new menu. They didn’t like change. The introduction of the television above the bar in the taproom had caused them enough concern. ‘Chilli con carne!’ exclaimed Big Dave, ‘Chilli con carne!’

  ‘Y’reight there, Dave,’ agreed Little Malcolm. ‘It’s chilli con carne all reight.’

  ‘It’s Sheila’s new menu, lads,’ said Don the barman, nodding sagely.

  ‘But that’s foreign muck,’ said Big Dave.

  ‘Now then, Dave, don’t let my Sheila ’ear y’say that, said Don. ‘We’re movin’ wi’ t’times.’

  ‘An’ t’fish shop in Easington ’as jus’ turned into a Chinese takeaway,’ said Shane. ‘An’ this is s’pposed t’be England.’

  Don looked at me apologetically. ‘Don’t get t’wrong idea, Mr Sheffield,’ he said. ‘Ah’m norra racist … in fac’ ah quite like a curry.’

  ‘Mebbe so, Don,’ said Big Dave, ‘but we’re English an’ we want proper English food.’

  ‘Well they say a change is as good as a rest,’ said Don, trying his best to placate the big goalkeeper.

  ‘That’s what Nora Pratt said this morning, Don,’ said Big Dave darkly, ‘an’ she still ’asn’t shifted any o’ them Frenchified cross-aunts.’

  I ordered the mixed grill and set off for a quiet corner table. As I passed Old Tommy Piercy he whispered in my ear, ‘Y’can tell a Yorkshireman, Mr Sheffield … but y’can’t tell ’im much.’

  The next morning I was listening to the incongruous but beautifully melodious duo of David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing ‘Peace on Earth’ when I drove up Ragley High Street. I saw Nora Pratt sticking a new poster on the door of her Coffee Shop and smiled. It read:

  Chapter Twelve

  The Ragley Book Club

  The School Library van visited today and the children and staff changed their books. Reading workshop took place in the school
hall at 11 a.m.

  Extract from the Ragley School Logbook:

  Monday, 14 February 1983

  PETULA DUDLEY-PALMER LOOKED OUT of her state-of-the-art double-glazed conservatory at the silent winter world beyond and realized she was lonely. The new telephone on the glass-topped cane coffee table was the latest in design technology with a long-lead curly white flex. This meant she could walk around the expensively tiled floor while engaged in conversation. However, there was just one problem: there was no one to ring.

  She had just unpacked her brand-new folding exercise bike, a Valentine’s Day present from Geoffrey. However, it occurred to her that this was yet another solitary occupation. The search for a perfect body was losing its appeal. Then she picked up her Woman magazine and read the headline ‘Positivity for Women – are you a social success?’ She shook her head sadly and read on. There were lots of hints and suggestions, but one stood out above all others and suddenly she knew what she must do. Excitement coursed through her veins. It was time to grasp the nettle – although metaphorically of course, as she realized no one in their right mind would pick up a stinging nettle with their bare hands. It was time for a new direction … it was time to be positive … it was time to start Ragley’s first ever Book Club.

  ‘Mutton dressed as lamb,’ whispered Margery Ackroyd as Petula Dudley-Palmer walked across the playground wearing her new mahogany-stranded full length mink coat. At £995 she had convinced Geoffrey that it was money well spent.

  I was emerging from the stock cupboard with a new box of white chalk when Mrs Dudley-Palmer suddenly appeared. ‘Good morning, Mr Sheffield,’ she said. ‘I wondered if you would mind me putting this notice on the board in the entrance hall? So far I’ve put one outside the village hall and another in The Royal Oak. I’ll probably ask all the shopkeepers as well.’

  The notice read:

  Join the

  RAGLEY BOOK CLUB

  Wednesday, 16 February 1983

  7.30 p.m.

  No. 38, High Street, Ragley.

  Please bring a book of your choice.

  Light refreshments.

  ‘Yes, that’s fine, Mrs Dudley-Palmer,’ I said, scanning the poster, ‘and I’m sure there will be a lot of interest.’

  ‘I do hope so,’ she said and hurried off.

  Jo Hunter had just collected her dinner register from Vera and heard the conversation. She glanced at the notice in wonderment. ‘Wow … photocopied,’ she said wistfully. ‘I wonder if I’ll ever work in a school with a photocopier.’

  At morning break Vera was making milky coffee. ‘Mr Sheffield, the mobile library will be in the car park at lunchtime,’ she said, ‘so I’ll organize the children’s visits, shall I?’

  ‘Yes, thanks, Vera,’ I said.

  Jo was reading the front page of Vera’s Daily Telegraph. ‘A library van would have probably made a good getaway vehicle,’ she mused. ‘They’ve not found that racehorse yet.’

  Last week, a gang of six armed men had kidnapped Shergar, the world’s most famous racehorse. According to his owner the Aga Khan, the horse was worth $10 million.

  ‘I heard it was the Provisional IRA,’ said Sally.

  ‘Well, it’s got to turn up,’ said Jo, ‘I mean to say, how can you hide a racehorse?’

  Meanwhile, outside in the corridor I heard Ruby unlocking her caretaker’s store cupboard. As she donned her overall she paused to read the Book Club notice and stood for a while, thinking hard.

  Ruby came in each day to put out the dining tables in the school hall for our daily Reading Workshop, which began at eleven o’clock. For the period before lunchtime, parents and grandparents came in to support this event, which had proved to be very successful and had significantly increased the frequency of reading among the children. Boys and girls from all classes wandered in clutching their school reading book and a reading card. The parents listened to them read, noted any problems or words they found difficult to pronounce and jotted these down on the child’s card. When they returned to class their teacher checked their card and supported the child appropriately. The workshop also provided an opportunity for parents to be involved in our day-to-day school life and further encouraged good communication. As was often the case, the regular opportunity for a two-minute conversation with a parent by the classroom door was more valuable than an end-of-term Open Evening report.

  When Ruby had finished setting out the tables and chairs she tapped on the office door. ‘’Scuse me, Miss Evans … ah mean Mrs Forbes-Kitchener,’ she said, ‘ah’d like to ask yer advice.’

  ‘Of course, Ruby,’ said Vera as she filed a letter to the school governors concerning our proposed educational visit to Flamingo Land in the summer term. ‘What can I do to help?’

  ‘Well, ah was wond’rin’, do y’think this Book Club is f’likes o’ me?’ she asked.

  Vera felt the sadness in Ruby’s heart; it was almost palpable. ‘I’m sure it is, Ruby,’ she said. ‘It’s never too late to enjoy books.’

  ‘Well,’ continued Ruby, ‘top an’ bottom of it is,’ she paused, looked down at the handle of the staff-room door and began to polish it absent-mindedly, ‘ah’ve allus wanted t’read but ah’ve never ’ad time what wi’ cookin’ an’ cleanin’ and children … an’ my Ronnie, o’ course.’

  Vera sighed and looked at her dear friend. ‘You have talent, Ruby, and you must not let it wither like the last leaves of winter,’ she said softly.

  ‘Y’say such wonderful things,’ said Ruby, looking as if she was about to burst into tears. ‘An’ ah ’ear what y’say, an’ ah will do m’best. It’s jus’ ah’m a bit nervous. Rest of ’em might laugh at me.’

  Vera took a deep breath and made a decision. ‘Then I’ll come with you, Ruby. After all, that’s what friends are for.’

  Meanwhile there was a hum of activity in the school hall as our Reading Workshop got under way. Sixty-five-year-old Edith Icklethwaite was sitting next to her granddaughter, five-year-old Katie. Edith had brought in some old photographs of her son’s wedding to use as a talking point before listening to Katie reading her Ginn Reading 360 graded story book.

  ‘An’ these are pictures of y’mum and dad’s wedding,’ said Edith.

  Katie stared at the photographs of Mr and Mrs Icklethwaite on their wedding day. ‘So, Katie my love, do y’understand what a wedding is now?’

  ‘Yes, Grandma,’ said Katie. ‘It’s when Daddy paid the vicar for Mummy to come and work for us.’

  Edith sighed and wondered what children were coming to these days.

  She decided on a new tack and began pointing at different colours on the cover of the reading book. After all, as her mother had told her sixty years ago, it was important to learn something new every day. ‘And what colour is this?’ asked Edith.

  ‘Red, Grandma.’

  ‘And this one?’

  ‘That’s easy, blue.’

  After pointing to ten different colours with Katie giving an accurate answer every time, the little girl looked a little weary.

  ‘Grandma, maybe you should try t’work these colours out for y’self,’ said little Katie, shaking her head sadly. ‘After all, a grandma should know these things.’

  Edith opened Katie’s reading book. ‘C’mon,’ she said brusquely, ‘let’s get on wi’ t’reading.’ It occurred to her that it wasn’t only children who learned something new every day.

  At lunchtime Rosie Backhouse parked her mobile library van in the school car park and was ready for business. The children went in, a few at a time, and loved the opportunity to select from such a huge range of books, and Rosie always did her best to encourage them.

  When I went in with my class I noticed Rosie had stuck a new label on the side of the tiny wooden counter. It read: IF YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO READ PLEASE TAKE A LEAFLET: IT WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. I made no comment … after all, the left-handed Rosie had stamped so many library books it was rumoured she had a left hook like Henry Cooper.

  As I le
ft I noticed Ruby was being led into the van by Vera. ‘Excuse me, Rosie,’ said Vera, ‘we need a good book for Ruby. She wants to get back into reading.’

  Rosie knew Ruby’s background and immediately began to search through the fiction section.

  Suddenly Ruby pointed to a novel. ‘Mrs Back’ouse, this is what our ’Azel is reading in Mrs Pringle’s class,’ she said in surprise, picking up the popular Sixties paperback A Hundred Million Francs by Paul Berna.

  Rosie gave Vera a knowing look and Vera nodded in acknowledgement. This was a children’s book, but also the kind that could be enjoyed by an adult. ‘A good choice, Ruby,’ said Rosie. ‘I’ll stamp it for you.’

  Ruby looked at the book as if she had won the Pools. ‘Ah can read it an’ then talk to our ’Azel about it,’ she said full of excitement.

  Both Rosie and Vera looked with some sadness as Ragley’s favourite caretaker hurried off down the drive with her first ever library book. That afternoon she began to read, at first hesitantly, but gradually she got into the story, which was a French version of the great train robbery: a missing fortune in banknotes and the unsuspecting gang of children who were destined to solve the mystery. When Ruby arrived for her end-of-school shift, the novel was sticking out of her overall pocket.

  She popped her head round the office door. ‘Smashing story,’ she said. ‘Thanks ever so much … ah’m reight enjoying me book.’

  That evening Ruby was babysitting while watching Wish You Were Here …? on television. Judith Chalmers with her permanent suntan was enjoying the scenery in Corfu, but Ruby’s thoughts were closer to home.

  She looked down at her rosy-cheeked granddaughter and, as she rocked little Krystal to sleep, she whispered to the sleeping child, ‘When ah get paid my love, ah’m gonna buy you a book, an’ we can read it t’gether. Then when y’grow up y’can read lots o’ books an’ mebbe go t’one o’ them universities that posh people go to. Ah don’t want you t’grow up like me, cleanin’ an’ suchlike. Ah want a better life f’you.’ And the little girl slept on, unaware of the love that was destined to fill her life.