Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

Kavita was staying in a large business hotel with several conference rooms. The first two days comprised of a series of conferences from ten in the morning till five in the evening, with doctors from across the globe presenting their medical findings. Every evening cocktails were scheduled where the attendees could relax and mingle. The last two days were free for doctors to do some sightseeing before they headed back home. Kavita wondered if she should head back home immediately after the first two days.

  She settled into her room and took a long, hot shower. The only thing scheduled for today was dinner, as the international participants were still arriving and would need to rest. After showering she unpacked, and then went for a massage. She headed back to the hotel and went straight to bed, skipping dinner altogether.

  Kavita’s presentation, on the need for surrogacy and the importance of adoption in India, was scheduled on the first day after lunch. She had researched this paper over a long period of time from when she was working on her PhD dissertation many years ago. She freshened it up and ended up giving a well-received presentation.

  One doctor marveled at her more enthusiastically. He would later come up to her as she sat alone during dinner at the poolside.

  ‘Hi, you’re Kavita, right?’ said the stranger.

  Kavita looked up from her glass of white wine. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m Dr Imam. You may have seen me at the conference. May I take this chair?’

  ‘Sure, Dr Imam.’

  She asked as the stranger sat, ‘Are you making a presentation too?’

  ‘Yes, tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be one of the last few. Everyone will be wanting to leave by then so I can say anything and get away with it.’

  Kavita stifled a giggle.

  ‘Though maybe I can speak in different accents. Then maybe you all will be enthralled.’

  ‘You can speak in different accents?’

  ‘Well not only have I not lived anywhere but Mumbai my entire life, I have not studied in any other country but India. So that makes me well-versed with accents from across the globe like this.’ The absurdity of the statement wasn’t lost on Kavita but the doctor changed from an American to a French and then a South Indian accent fluidly.

  ‘And Punjabi?’ Kavita asked as she rested her chin on her hand.

  And Dr Imam did a Punjabi accent as well.

  Kavita kept asking for more accents and Dr Imam spoke effortlessly.

  ‘You’re really good at this!’ Kavita didn’t hide her amazement.

  ‘Yeah I should have been an actor. I do excellent impressions, too.’

  ‘Why aren’t you?’

  ‘Oh I realized I liked dissecting things more than dancing.’

  ‘You don’t like dancing? I love dancing!’ Kavita realized how uninhibited she was. Was it the wine? Was it the million stars lighting up the beautiful night sky? Was it that no one around here was about to pass judgement on her? Or had her ego received a great boost after the presentation? Whatever it was, she soon found herself on the dance floor with Dr Iman, showing her moves to the latest Rihaana track.

  She felt light-headed after some time. ‘I need to sit down,’ she said to Dr Imam. She held the doctor’s arms lightly and said, ‘Let’s sit there.’ She noticed how attractive Dr Imam was. Dark hair. Light eyes. Fair skin. A fabulous body.

  Another doctor came up to her as they walked. ‘Dr Gupta, nice job today. I am most impressed with your work. It touched the heart.’

  ‘Thank you so much,’ Kavita said, breaking into an open, wide smile. She was a doctor because she believed she wanted to change the world, make couples happy and bring healthy children into the world.

  ‘Don’t you think our profession is defeating the purpose of population control?’ Dr Imam asked.

  Again Kavita laughed, with a depth to her smile that had been missing for too long, as the doctor continued resting a hand over hers, ‘Maybe we should be tying more women’s tubes than encouraging them to have a healthy pregnancy! See that would force me to go into acting. Poverty.’ Kavita let the hand rest. A warm feeling tingled across her body.

  Dr Imam had a wicked sense of self-deprecating humour. There was this inherent pleasing quality about the doctor. Kind eyes, a warm smile and gentle hands. It wasn’t aggressive or ambitious or lazy and indolent. Kavita felt drawn to the doctor, in words she couldn’t explain. There was something stirring deep inside her. Again. It had happened once in college and she had suppressed those urges. She was too scared to deal with those emotions. And when she got married, she had plunged herself so shard into loving Gaurav and working that she never let them surface again. Until now. Now it was as if her primal instincts were telling her that this is who she was. She needed to feel her emotions completely. She couldn’t hide them any longer.

  And so Kavita gave in to the night. She succumbed to the moment. She spent time with this handsome doctor; they spoke about their life, their work and their future plans. A drink became two and then a few more. They sat together for dinner and continued their chat. Dr Imam would lightly touch Kavita’s arm, hands and hair and strangely, Kavita liked it. She didn’t feel it was creepy and unwanted. When the party was winding down and most of the doctors had left, they were the only two people left by the poolside while waiters cleared up.

  ‘Would you like anything else, Madam?’ A waiter hinted that they needed to leave.

  ‘No,’ Kavita replied. ‘We were just leaving.’

  Dr Imam got up. ‘Do you want to go for a walk on the beach?’

  ‘Which beach?’

  ‘The beach adjoining the hotel premises.’

  ‘Oh I didn’t know that.’

  ‘Your room doesn’t have a view of the beach?’

  ‘No, I guess I never checked since I’ve been in the board room all day today and went to sleep yesterday.’

  ‘Well would you like to see the beach, Dr Gupta?’

  ‘Yes I would love that, Dr Imam.’ Kavita said as she got up and the red dress she had worn slid slightly higher up her thigh, a movement that was not lost on Dr Imam.

  Kavita took off her high heels as she walked on the beach, holding her shoes in one hand and holding on to Dr Imam’s hand with the other. It was a gorgeous, clear night. Kavita had finished her presentation and she was finally enjoying herself in a land far away from her duties and routine existence. She was enjoying herself with a person who connected to her mind, who was clearly attracted to her and who enjoyed spending time with her.

  For the first time in a long time, Kavita felt a kind of unfamiliar peace. And with a complete stranger! She was more herself than she had been with the people who had known her for years. She was enjoying every minute. She couldn’t place her finger on why she was so attracted to him. Maybe it was because for the first time, no was expecting anything from her.

  ‘You know, you’re very beautiful, Kavita,’ Dr Imam said softly.

  ‘Thank you.’ A tumble of confused thoughts and feelings assailed Kavita. Where was this going?

  After a few steps of walking on the beach, with a deliberate, casual movement Dr Imam turned and faced Kavita. She looked to see that no one else was around. ‘Kavita, would you mind awfully if I kissed you? I promise not to do so if you disagree and will never bother you again. We can remain friends.’

  Mixed feelings surged through Kavita. This was the college experience she had never spoken to anyone about, all over again. She was cheating on her husband. And if she kissed Dr Imam back, would it mean she was a bad woman? She fought to control her swirling emotions.

  Dr Imam saw her hesitating. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Please forget I asked. Can we still be friends?’

  But Kavita wanted to take a chance. She had a feeling that it would be the best thing she ever did, even if it meant spiraling her world into the unknown. A sense of urgency drove her as Kavita leaned in and kissed Dr Imam with fervent ardour. Kavita’s insides jangled with excitement. Dr Imam’s mild flirtation through the evening, and now this str
aightforward proposal, was certainly a turn on but she didn’t think she would have reacted so positively to it. She felt like a breathless girl of eighteen. As she pulled away, Kavita studied the lean, beautiful, fair-skinned face and piercing grey eyes in front of her. Kavita couldn’t believe she was falling for someone at this time in her life. She was too old to be having a new, whirlwind romance.

  She would have a few problems explaining this new romance to anyone. Dr Imam lived in Mumbai, to begin with, and long-distance relationships never work.

  And two, Dr Imam was a woman.

  22

  Kavita was beginning to understand. She was attracted to women, too. They have a word for it, what is it? Bisexual! Yes, she was bisexual. Somewhere deep down, she had always known. But she had denied it to herself. How could a traditional woman be so different? Weren’t ‘good’ housewives supposed to be heterosexual? Just loving their husband and attending to their children? How could she have desires that were not normal? How could a woman who was so focused on her career be so sexual? As if these things mattered anyway. None of them did. You are what you are.

  And now Sara Imam had awakened her hidden self in a beautiful way.

  She had loved it when a woman had made love to her in college. It was that night she knew she enjoyed being with women as well as men. The pleasure from a woman was so different. So unusual. A woman could touch her the way a man never did. And yet, she needed a man in her life too.

  She had never spoken to anyone about it and buried it so it would never surface again to damage her career or her marriage. But Sara had evoked feelings in her that had made her realize her true self.

  Instead of only staying for the two days that she had initially planned, Kavita stayed for the entire length of the trip and then took an extra day off the following Monday, citing networking reasons at home to stay back. This wasn’t entirely untrue. She was trying to network, just not in the professional manner. She hadn’t realized that things would move so fast with Sara.

  Sara was a dynamic woman, supremely intelligent and excellent in what she did and yet creative in many other aspects. She made Kavita laugh and look at things like she’d never done before. She quoted poetry and music. Her jokes were witty. And her body, her body was simply smoking.

  The first time Sara made love to Kavita, she was gentle and kind. It was in Sara’s hotel room. A much bigger suite than Kavita’s, with plush, soft couches and cushions. Lemongrass candles. Clean, crisp white sheets on an inviting bed. A large balcony that overlooked the expanse of the beach they were just on, where she had asked Kavita if she could kiss her.

  ‘Drink?’ Sara gave Kavita a glass of neat vodka without waiting for a reply. Kavita took it and swallowed it in one gulp. She needed it. The thick, musky liquid burned down her throat and gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling. They spoke for hours, stared into each other’s eyes, rubbed their fingers on their palms.

  Sara leaned forward, placing her lips gently on Kavita’s. It was affectionate. Gentle. Intimate. It wasn’t a kiss that was imposing, wanting, demanding. She pulled back to see her reaction. ‘We don’t need to do this.’ Sara was giving Kavita a way out. She ran her finger across Kavita’s lips, resting her fingers delicately around her ear.

  Kavita shook her head. ‘I want to.’

  Kavita looked into Sara’s eyes to tell her she was ready. Kavita took Sara’s hands to admire them. She had perfect nails. Bright red nail polish. Unlike her hands—rough with chewed off nails. Why do we admire someone for the things we don’t have? Kavita wondered. Random thoughts raced through her mind. But mostly how beautiful Sara was.

  She ran her fingers through Sara’s hair, admiring how well the woman looked after herself. Her hair, her smell, her beauty. Soaking it in, Kavita looked deeply into Sara’s eyes. Sara ran her fingers down Kavita’s face, across her cheek, down her throat and over her clothes. It sent shock waves through Kavita’s body. The kissing must have lasted for two hours. Lovemaking with a woman was very different from that with a man. It was almost tantric. The slow movements, the gentle caressing, the languid pace of touching, fondling, licking, took hours and it was erotic, sensuous, and highly orgasmic.

  ‘Have you done this before?’ Sara asked after hours and hours of kissing. She slowly took off her shirt.

  Kavita nodded. ‘Once. Long back. It didn’t mean anything then.’

  ‘Do you want this to mean something?’ Sara asked as the tight black shirt fell to the ground, exposing her bright red bra. She had large, full, voluptuous breasts. She held Kavita’s hands and placed them on her breasts. Kavita was ready. Sara unclasped Kavita’s bra and let her fingers move around her breasts under her dress, cupping them and taking them in her mouth. Sara swiveled her around slowly and pushed her against a wall. Kavita was hesitant.

  Sara said, ‘You want me to go slower? You okay?’

  Kavita nodded.

  Sara gently touched Kavita with the tips of her fingers from the nape of her neck, slowly moving down across her back and gently placing her thumbs right above the crack of her ass. As she moved back upwards lingering slowly on the side of her breasts, Kavita let out a long moan. Sara spent several minutes with her fingers and mouth over Kavita’s back, arousing every sensuous nerve in her body.

  ‘Oh you are so good with your fingers.’ She deliberately turned and pressed herself against Sara, kissing her as she moved her fingers through Sara’s hair, feeling confident that she could do no wrong.

  They went and lay down on the bed. Sara’s hand slipped under Kavita’s red dress. She held her breast and squeezed it. She moved slowly, taking her time. She spread her legs as she began rubbing her hand over Kavita’s thighs, making small concentric circles with the tips of her fingers, slowly moving towards her panty. Slow, web-like motions.

  Kavita knew this should be the moment to pull away if she didn’t want her life to change. But the feel of a woman kissing her was so overpowering that she lay back and enjoyed the moment. Sara’s fingers moved slowly inside Kavita, exploring her dark side, rubbing her thumb in the sweet spot. Kavita let out a soft moan. Her body tingled. Her resistance weakened. Sara pulled Kavita’s dress over her head, leaving her breasts exposed to the cool air around them.

  ‘God Kavita, you are so beautiful.’ Sara sucked on Kavita’s breasts slowly, gently tugging at her nipples as she licked them. Kavita moaned softly as she moved her hands over Sara’s back. Sara slowly moved on top. She started kissing her breasts, gently kneading them as her lips moved downwards blowing soft kisses on her stomach with her lips barely touching Kavita’s skin. Kavita’s body was on fire.

  Sara spread Kavita’s legs with her one hand as she continued rubbing her breasts. Kavita fell back on the pillows with her hands behind her head. Sara’s mouth slowly moved down Kavita’s thighs as she parted her legs. She slipped two fingers inside, slowly moving them. Then went faster, harder. She found Kavita’s clitoris and rubbed her thumb against it. She removed her fingers and used her tongue. Slowly licking her, probing deep inside. Kavita’s body was on fire. She held on to the sofa as one leg fell casually on the floor. She could feel waves of passion soar through her body. Sara continued to stroke Kavita, kiss her gently and talk to her while she made love. Kavita had never felt this way with a man. She reached her climax and was in heaven.

  Kavita looked up, caught her breath. ‘That was so good that I think the neighbours need a cigarette!’

  They both laughed. They knew they had something special, more than sex.

  ‘I want to clean you up now,’ Kavita said as she held Sara’s hand and led her to the bathtub. ‘With lots of hot soapy bubbles. Get in. Let me run the water.’

  Sara smiled. Kavita felt complete right then. This would be a night they would never forget.

  23

  Sara was everything Kavita wasn’t but wanted to be. And yet there was this nagging feeling in the pit of Kavita’s stomach that she would suppress this part of her again when she went back home and her daily chores
took over, no matter how much she loved being with Sara. There were certain things one didn’t do. One was to declare you were bisexual! Not when you were married or had a child. No matter how much happiness it gave you.

  Sara understood that aspect of Kavita. How she wished Kavita would realize that the longer you live for someone else, the more you kill your own soul. If you didn’t stand up for who you were, you would regret it all your life. So when Sara parted ways with Kavita at the airport all Sara could say was, ‘Don’t let your head rule over your heart. You’ll regret the decisions you make if you make them for someone else.’

  But when Kavita got on the airplane, she had mixed feelings. Was this her escape from the drudgery of her life with Gaurav? Wouldn’t it be easier if she sorted out what she needed from Gaurav rather than escape into a world that was taboo? The conference had opened up her mind to such new possibilities that her head felt like it was going to explode. She took a pill and went to sleep for the rest of the journey.

  When Kavita got back home she plunged herself into work and family duties. She took Vansh for soccer practice and even passed on her procedures to other surgeons so she could spend more time at home with Gaurav and her family. She cooked and hosted a party for their friends. She became the ‘perfect housewife’ as Gaurav wanted. It lasted a whole month. Until the depression set in.

  Somehow she needed more. More than just the job or her family. She needed Sara. And the more she tried to push it out of her mind, the more Sara’s face kept taunting her. Kavita wanted out of her confusion. She rediscovered her yoga mat and began going again to her favourite garden.

  She went to Nehru Park or Lodhi Gardens early in the morning to do her surya namaskars and watch the sun rise long after her pranayama was done. She found solace amongst the trees. She loved Delhi for this—the winter season. The beautiful gardens that allowed anyone to enter and find themselves. The wide roads that accommodated every vehicle from a bullock cart to a BMW. Delhi was truly the melting pot of India.