Forbidden Desires

by Banerjee, Madhuri

  ‘You know, Kaajal, I’ve always thought you were far prettier than your sister.’

  Kaajal rolled her eyes and pushed past him, ‘Yeah right.’

  He held her hand and she swiveled around, shocked. ‘Listen.’ He let go of her hand. ‘I just wanted to tell you this. I’ve not been able to before. Please can you just wait a minute to listen to me. I mean, no one in this house has time or patience to hear my point of view anymore. I feel so suppressed. It’s like I don’t exist for anyone.’

  Kaajal stopped and crossed her hands.

  He continued, ‘You know I’m the one who moved in here. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay separately with your sister. But she couldn’t leave you or your mother. And then I made all the adjustments.’

  ‘No one stopped you from leaving later, Gaurav,’ Kaajal said sarcastically.

  ‘Now don’t get angry. I’m just saying it was a good decision. I got you as a friend, didn’t I?’ Gaurav said with a big smile. Kaajal nodded.

  ‘I’m just paying you a compliment. I think you’re wonderful. Thank you for listening to me. I need a friend sometimes,’ Gaurav said and then asked, ‘Can I get a hug? Please?’

  For a split second Kaajal was reluctant but she had known Gaurav for so long that she shrugged her shoulders and went to give him a hug. But instead of letting her go, Gaurav held her face and kissed her on the lips passionately. ‘You’re so beautiful, Kaajal.’

  Kaajal pushed him back but Gaurav held her tight. ‘Let me go, Gaurav.’

  Gaurav pinned her to the counter and kissed her neck. ‘You smell so delicious,’ he murmured into her hair.

  Kaajal fought him but he had strength that she could not match. ‘I’ve always found you so attractive, Kaajal. Like a flower. I know you like me too.’

  Kaajal fought him off, tears rolling down her cheeks. Her phone was far away. There was no one to help her.

  ‘For so many years I’ve wanted to do this. You know no one has to know. I’m not sleeping with Kavita. I can be all yours, baby,’ Gaurav said as he thrust his pelvis into her shorts, unzipping her slowly with one hand while pinning her to the counter.

  His mouth moved slowly down her neck and between her breasts. Kaajal wondered for a second if she should just give in rather than fighting. Just when you had to fend off people on the streets, the home became a danger zone as well. Just then she heard a car in the driveway. She shouted, ‘Mama’s home.’

  Gaurav stopped for a brief second and let her go. In that split second, Kaajal ran to her room and locked it. She sat on the floor next to her door as she heard her mother enter the house and greet Gaurav. Tears streamed down Kaajal’s face. How could she live here anymore? She didn’t feel safe. How could she tell Kavita about this incident? Kavita would divorce Gaurav. Or she wouldn’t. She would have to choose. And what if she chose to stay in the marriage because of Vansh? Where would Kaajal go? She didn’t have a husband. She didn’t have enough money to live alone. She needed to stay in this house. But she couldn’t. Kaajal didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t call anyone. For the first time in her life she felt angry and betrayed.

  34

  ‘Tum jaante nahin ho mera baap kaun hai?’

  ‘Sir, please calm down. This is a hotel.’

  ‘I can own this hotel. My father is a politician. He will shut you down if I tell him how your waiters behave with me! Do you know that? Now get me another drink.’

  ‘Yes alright, Sir. Sorry for the confusion.’

  Ayesha looked at the conversation that the manager and a customer were having. She wondered if the child she was carrying would become like that. After all, his father was a politician too! Ayesha shook her head. She couldn’t think about all this. She had decided that she would not keep the child. But she needed to tell Harshvardhan. If he ever got to know from somewhere else, then their relationship would be in jeopardy.

  She was waiting for Harshvardhan in a hotel coffee shop. Delhi had so many hotels that she felt she had seen most of them in these last few months. All Delhi hotels had beautiful, lavish decors with specific cuisine restaurants that catered to a variety of Delhi palates. She had loved eating in different restaurants and going to different hotels. It was so different from the Habitat Centre or IIC that she and Varun frequented for drinks or lunch. How societies changed in Delhi. From business-class people who lived in certain colonies and enjoyed visiting new restaurants in the elite places of Delhi, to bureaucrats and their families who loved Lodhi Gardens, Habitat and IIC and enjoyed visiting each others’ houses that were beautiful, large and artistically decorated. And then there were politicians who loved going to five-star hotels and had parties at farmhouses where the press weren’t allowed and businessmen were invited. Each society kept to itself, never truly opening up to another. And here she was, mixing different worlds until her own world collided.

  Ayesha needed to tell him that this child would jeopardize her marriage. And that she could continue the affair anymore. It was getting too complicated and she didn’t want another accident. She would not know what to tell her parents and her in-laws. It would be embarrassing. Not to mention that she really didn’t want to get up in the middle of the night for potty changes. She was done with that. Her child was a preteen. She was happy that Adi was independent. She had spent her entire life raising one child and giving him proper values. Now she wanted to spend the rest of her life doing things for herself.

  And after watching the conversation with this brash young man, she was sure she didn’t want to raise any more children in today’s world. Why were they all so rude when they were drunk? Why did they have this attitude that things could go their way just because their fathers were in power? Maybe she should talk to Harsh about that.

  Harsh walked in to the hotel discreetly with a bodyguard and joined Ayesha at the table to have a pleasant dinner.

  ‘You look lovely, Ayesha. How have you been?’ he asked as a waiter came around to serve him water.

  Ayesha smiled. ‘I’m fine. Thank you.’

  ‘What is this? This is not whiskey!’ the brash young man a few tables down spoke again in a loud voice as Harshvardhan and Ayesha looked at him, as did the entire restaurant. Then the brash man threw the whiskey on the waiter and the manager came by again.

  ‘Sorry Sir, I have to ask you to leave.’

  ‘Leave? I’ll tell my father, Jaisingh Waadria, and he’ll come down and buy this place out.’

  ‘I’ll call the cops, Sir.’

  ‘Oh call them, bloody asshole. They won’t do a thing to me! Call! Call!’

  At seeing the manager getting perplexed, Harshvardhan thought he should be gallant and step in to help. He told Ayesha, ‘Excuse me. I can’t just sit here and watch this naatak.’

  He got up and went to the table. ‘Hi. Young man, I think there are plenty of places you can go to and there are only old people here. Their whiskey is also not good. I suggest you leave.’

  The man with his group of friends got up and looked Harshavardhan staright in the eye. Ayesha’s heart was in her mouth. She didn’t want them to fight. Oh God. She thought she would throw up.

  ‘You know my father?’ the young man spoke.

  To which Harshvardhan replied, ‘Yes I do, son. He’s in the cabinet with me. My name is Harshvardhan. You can tell your father I said hi.’

  Then the young man paled and spoke loudly to his friends, ‘Let’s go. This place is a dump.’

  They left without paying the bill. The manager ran after them begging them to pay the bill but the young man just slapped him across his face. Harshvardhan watched all this and told the young man, ‘You will pay for this. Sooner or later.’

  The young man turned to him and spoke in a threating tone, ‘No, old man. You’ll pay for this sooner than you think.’

  Harshvardhan came back to the table. Ayesha’s face now had gone ashen white. Her breathing was heavy and she was feeling sick. Maybe it was the nausea of pregnancy or it was the entire affair of Harshvardhan
that made her get up and run to the bathroom to vomit.

  When she came back, Harshvardhan was paying the bill for the man who had just left. Ayesha saw it was fifty grand.

  ‘What! Why are you paying his bill?’ Ayesha asked.

  ‘Because it will go out of the poor manager’s salary who probably only earns that much every month anyway. These Delhi boys can be a pain. Their ego is so high that they feel they can get away with anything. Anyway, how are you feeling? What happened?’ he signaled for the waiter to get them some more water and all the waiters and the manager were at his attention.

  ‘Can you afford to spend so much, Harsh?’ Ayesha asked knowing that ministers didn’t make as much money as the private sector.

  ‘I can’t. But I can’t see grave injustice happening either. It’s alright, love,’ he said as he finished paying the bill and looked up. ‘Money can’t buy happiness. Karma comes back to you in many ways. It’s important to do good karma. God always recognizes it.’

  The head chef brought out a few starters and a cocktail for them.

  Ayesha turned to them to say, ‘Oh, we haven’t ordered these.’

  ‘It’s complimentary from us, Sir. Please enjoy your meal.’

  So Harshavardhan laughed and dug into his food as Ayesha picked at it. ‘Tell me. What’s been going on? Why aren’t you eating? You’re behaving very strangely Ayesha. Is everything okay? Do you want to go someplace else?’

  Ayesha shook her head as the whole situation made her feel like weeping. Here was a man who was so generous, so loving and so understanding. A man who would make a great father. A man who was a great protector, nurturer, caregiver, lover, friend and strength for Ayesha. And he would never be a father. He had never found anyone. He had told Ayesha he had never loved anyone the way he loved her. And even if she chose to remain married for the rest of her life, he would take care of her as she wanted. He needed nothing from her. He was a man who only gave. And here was an opportunity for her to give him something in return and she couldn’t.

  The dam burst as hot tears rolled down Ayesha’s cheeks. Harshavardhan immediately took her hand in his and passed her his handkerchief. ‘Ayesha, whatever it is, I’ll solve it, baby. Tell me. What’s wrong? What’s wrong, jaan? I can’t see you like this.’

  Between sobs Ayesha confessed, ‘I’m…I’m pregnant.’

  Harshvardhan’s hand did not move from hers. He looked into her eyes as she saw a flicker of joy pass through them. He gulped hard. ‘Oh Ayesha…that’s won…well what are you going to do? You know I’ll support you with whatever decision you make.’

  Ayesha moved her hand away and leaned back in the chair as the waiter brought their pasta. Harshvardhan said to the waiter, ‘Can we please have a minute? We can eat it in a while.’

  Ayesha looked at all the food that was going to waste. Maybe she should eat, if only for her child. What was she thinking? She wasn’t going to have this child! Why were these thoughts entering her head? What did she really want to do?

  As if he read her thoughts, ‘What do you want to do?’

  ‘What are my options?’ Ayesha’s mind blurred.

  Harshvardhan took a sip of water. ‘It’s not what I want, Ayesha. It’s what you want. Your happiness is important to me.’

  Ayesha paused. ‘I can’t keep it. I’m married. What will I say?’

  Harshvardhan nodded his head. ‘I understand.’

  Ayesha took his hand. ‘Should we stop seeing each other?’

  Harshvardhan replied, ‘Not at all! Please never leave me. How about I tell you I love you, Ayesha? Will that change your decision? What if I told you I would marry you. I want to marry you. No that’s not a good proposal. Let me try again. Will you marry me, Ayesha?’

  Ayesha felt the corners of her mouth turn. That was such a sweet thing to say. ‘I don’t want to trap you, Harsh. I’m not asking you to marry me.’

  ‘I know. But I want to. I want us to be together. I’ll look after Aditya. So many people get divorced. You can too. I’ll wait for you.’

  Ayesha looked at him as if he had gone mad. ‘And what happens to your political career? Won’t the press have a field day when they know you had an affair and got a married woman pregnant?’

  Harshvardhan was quiet while Ayesha continued, ‘You’ve worked too hard to let this go. You’ll become the prime minister one day. I know it. And I and this baby will only stop you from doing that. So let me be. We can meet when it’s convenient. And let this incident just pass.’

  Harshavardhan had tears in his eyes. ‘I have always wanted to be a father. I never found the right woman because I was so interested in becoming a leader rather than a husband. And now that I’ve found the woman and I can be a father, I need to choose if I still want to be a leader? Why is this so cruel?’

  Ayesha wanted to pacify him. Reach out to him. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t give him words of encouragement. She wanted him to succeed. It was her fault she was pregnant. She couldn’t ruin his dreams. And even though he was sad and upset right now, he would get over it. His campaign would suck him in. His ideals needed to go higher. He wouldn’t succeed with his ideas if he was stuck at home with a child. His destiny was to become a great leader. He was trained for that. All his life he had worked for it. She couldn’t have him sit at home with her. She knew he would and she would be his downfall.

  Ayesha had made a decision. She would go back to Dr Kavita next week and remove this burden from their lives.

  Harshvardhan called for the cheque and said, ‘Let’s go somewhere else to discuss this.’

  Ayesha desperately wanted to get out of the hotel. She needed fresh air. As soon as they both stepped out of the hotel, there was a flash from the paparazzi who had followed Harshvardhan there. A reporter was there to ask questions. Ayesha had worn a sari that day and she covered her face with a pallu and sunglasses so no one would recognize her. Harshvardhan reacted on his feet as he whispered for her to go back inside and hide in the women’s loo. She immediately turned back to go into the hotel while Harshvardhan was bombarded by the news channels.

  ‘Sir, are you having an affair?’

  ‘Sir, will you be getting married soon?’

  ‘Do you think your personal life will affect your public ideas now?’

  ‘Sir, is she married? We got news from an unknown source who just left the premises that she was a bureaucrat’s wife. Is she?’

  Harshvardhan replied, ‘No comment.’ He got into his car and immediately called Ayesha who had gone back inside the hotel to hide. He called her from his car and told her to stay in the hotel bathroom. ‘I’m sending someone in an ordinary car to take you from the ladies room on the banquet floor to the exit outside. He’ll make sure you reach home safely. I’m so sorry about all this. That stupid Waardia’s son must have leaked it to the reporters. I’ll call you soon, love. Are you okay?’

  Ayesha could only nod as he put the phone down. What she was most worried about was the fact that someone had taken her photograph. If it appeared on the news, her marriage would be over. She would be a disgrace. She would lose her son!

  And that’s when she felt a sticky substance between her thighs. She knew something was wrong. And she was afraid for her life, in more ways than one. She dug into her purse and found her phone. She dialed a number.

  ‘Dr Kavita. This is Ayesha. I’m bleeding. What do I do?’

  35

  The origin of an affair is loneliness.

  It’s lack of attention from the person who you want attention from.

  An affair starts when you’re so unhappy in your relationship that you feel you deserve something more.

  An affair could also start from revenge. An act to prove that you’re still desirable in the eyes of another man when your partner can’t see it. An act to get even and feel better.

  Naina had been giving Arjun cooking lessons for over three weeks now and they had become quite close in an extremely platonic way. He was a perfect gentleman, never overs
tepping a line, always being polite, patient and eager to learn. He treated her like a teacher during the class and as a friend when they sat down for lunch every day. But he never treated her like a lover or behaved lecherously with her. She was comfortable around him. There was a general camaraderie and respect in their relationship, something that had been missing from her life for some time.

  Naina couldn’t bring herself to go to Arjun’s house in the middle of the night. She needed to sort out her head. So she called Pinky, told her the entire story about Kaushik’s affair and crashed at Pinky’s house that night. Pinky gave her breakfast and a hot cup of coffee before she gave advice. ‘Dekh, all this love shove and all na fades away. You must decide what is important to you. What are your dreams and goals? What do you want from life? Aur agar woh tumhare pati ke saath nahin hai, toh usko chod de. You know why in the entire mammal kingdom God gave human beings the sharpest brains? For us to use them, Ma Ki Aankh. Aur hum, we give that up for love. Go do your work. And be open to new people in your life, Naina. Poori zindagi pachtayegi.’

  So Naina went back to work the next afternoon and gave Arjun a cooking class. Her mind was a million miles away with her home, children and her life and somehow Arjun just made her feel lighter and happier by his clumsiness in the kitchen and by admiring her beauty from far.

  ‘How do you maintain yourself so well? I mean you love eating all this stuff and yet, look at you, you’re so fit!’ Naina asked as she dug into the Thai curry rice they had made together.

  Arjun ate well. He wasn’t one for nibbling at his food. ‘I work out. I go for a run every morning. It burns everything off. I can’t diet. I love to eat. And now I’m loving how to cook.’

  Naina smiled, extremely conscious of his virile appeal. ‘I’m so glad. You’ve become pretty good at it. But you still have four more weeks to go.’ He noticed her hair tumble carelessly around her back, her perfect oval face and cocoa eyes.

  ‘By then I can be a trained chef. I’ll run and cook in my own restaurant.’ As Arjun smiled, light wrinkles formed around the corners of his eyes. He was charming, elegant, athletic. She felt an immediate and total attraction towards him.