Poet

by A. M. Johnson

  I let my eyes linger on his features, his skin had aged, his eyes had worn. I’d given him a lap dance once, and he’d paid me extra to get him off with my hand. I’d been off drugs for a couple days, but the sickness had started to bleed into my edges, and I’d sold another piece of my soul.

  His friends were watching me with eager eyes that devoured my mouth and it covered me in dirt.

  “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but proposition another girl and I’ll cut your balls off and hand you over to the owner.” The table erupted with a mixture of laughter, oohs and ahhs, but I couldn’t take pleasure in my victory. Because when I turned around, familiar, beautiful, blue eyes that had no business being in a place like this, stared at me with confusion.

  Kieran was looking at me, his eyes wandering over my exposed body. His shoulders were rigid, his brows drawn into a heavy crease. He didn’t have to say anything. I felt it.

  Why is she here?

  Why is she dressed like that?

  Liam’s smile died when he looked at me and then his brother. He said something to Kieran I couldn’t hear and then shot me a glare that burned the flesh from my bones. It was enough to make my legs weak. It wasn’t until they both turned to leave that I fractured completely.

  Humiliation held me by the ankles. The sharp wire of disgrace wrapped up my legs. Fear was my escape. Fear of never seeing him again. Fear of losing my new job before I actually got to start it. I was afraid that if he left here, and never spoke to me again, all the locks and bolts I’d placed on the beast, the walls I’d built, wouldn’t hold.

  I wasn’t that fragile.

  But everyone has a breaking point. My hope, it was almost to the front door, almost out of my life as quick as it had swept in, so I snapped the wires and moved.

  “Kieran…wait.” I called out to him.

  They both stopped and faced me. He was close enough his scent started to clean away the smell of this place.

  “Does Kelly know you’re a fucking stripper?” Liam’s tone was filled with betrayal just like Kieran’s eyes.

  I ignored Liam and kept my gaze on those soft blue eyes, those eyes that had turned sad so quickly. “I’m not a stripper.” Not anymore. I took a step closer, and when Kieran didn’t step back I continued, “I should’ve told you.”

  “You did,” he said but didn’t smile when he broke my gaze and nodded his chin to the bar.

  The rapid beat of my heart, the pressure, it was suffocating me. “I should’ve told you I tended bar at a strip club, but I was—”

  “Embarrassed?” he asked, and the emotion gathered in my throat.

  I gave him one quick nod.

  “I have to take a piss,” Liam announced, and even if it was rude, I was thankful for the moment to be alone with Kieran.

  Liam walked away toward the back and Kieran appraised his surroundings. A new dancer had just queued her music, the place was rowdy as the seductive beat hovered over their tables. He was seeing parts of me, the grit, the smut, I could no longer hide.

  “I need a drink,” he said to no one in particular.

  “I’ll make you one.” He lowered his chin, his eyes on me again, and I gave him a small smile.

  He exhaled a weary breath and took my hand. His touch almost causing the dam to burst. It was absolutely out of control for me to feel so emotional over a guy I’d gone on one date with. One spectacular, perfect, magical, breathtaking, date that I’d never in a million years deserved, but I felt it and I couldn’t stop it. My heart was in my throat and my eyes were stinging and the pressure in my chest dispersed into the room as I exhaled a shuddered breath.

  We didn’t say a word as we walked over to the bar. Dacia was staring at us like she’d never seen something so interesting in all her life.

  “Have a seat,” I offered as I released his grip.

  I’d made it to the other side of the counter when he asked me for a beer. The wood bar top was the division between reality and fiction. A line I should’ve drawn when I realized he was one of the good guys.

  “How long have you worked here?” he asked.

  I handed him a beer, and Dacia left to run the floor, but not before giving Kieran a flirty smile. I let it slide. I was too nervous to get all possessive.

  Kieran tipped the bottle to his lips and took a deep pull. I watched him try to swallow down this night.

  His body language was cautious as I answered, “About seven years.”

  He licked his lips, rubbed his jaw with his hand, and heat pooled in my cheeks when his eyes dusted along the obvious curve of my breasts beneath my shirt. Each one of his breaths came quicker than the last, and I wasn’t sure if he was turned on or angry.

  “I hate it here,” I admitted. “It’s why I’m trying to… better my situation.”

  He cocked his brow. “Your situation?”

  I had to be careful. My past was an everlasting minefield, and I didn’t want him marching over it. It was always better to tread slowly, and besides, as much as I liked him, my life was my mess and mine alone.

  “It’s a long story.”

  “I’ve got all night.”

  I grit my teeth and he clenched his jaw.

  “It’s not the place, I’m—”

  “Sorry to break up your social hour, but I need a drink.” The asshole from the party wiggled his glass. The ice clinked dry against the surface as he placed it onto the bar.

  I prayed for strength, and I prayed the look on Kieran’s face would settle. His caution was starting to look more like anger as he bore holes into the side of the guy’s head.

  The idiot smiled at Kieran. It was sloppy and smug. “She gives an amazing hand job, but is slow as hell with the drinks.”

  “You didn’t just fucking say that?” Kieran was ready to murder and the blood drained from my body.

  He shoved the guy’s chest with his palms and stood. He towered over the dead man and, in my shock, I let it happen. I let him defend the honor I never had.

  “Don’t fucking touch me.” The guy was drunk, he didn’t register the rage that was pooling between him and Kieran.

  “Don’t talk shit.” Kieran’s voice was a still lake, but his hand balled into a fist as the guy stepped closer.

  He looked at me, and then at Kieran as he said, “You didn’t know? This place… all the girls here will give you something extra if you got the money. But she was by far my favorite.”

  It was too fast. Skin to knuckle. Muscle and blood.

  The guy kept pushing, pushing, and all I could do was yell, “Stop... Stop!” My voice broke and Kieran’s eyes found mine.

  He looked at me, something dark in his eyes searching for the dark in my own, and it was quiet, it was right. But the second was too long. It had given the other guy time to stand, time to strike back, and he landed a poorly placed punch. Kieran was about to throw another hit, but Liam grabbed him from behind with security right on his heels. My boss at the helm.

  Jaime was furious. “What the hell’s going on?”

  “This fucking asshole attacked me,” the guy said. He was sobered by the blood that dripped from his nose.

  Kieran just stared at him and seethed.

  “He’s been handsy all night, Jaime. Propositioned me for a blow job,” I said as I came around to the other side of the bar.

  “Yeah, and he asked me the same thing.” Dacia walked over with her serving tray in hand and spit on him. “Pig.” She was my new favorite person.

  The man’s face turned beet red. And when Liam laughed, Juan tightened his hold. All three of the guys were being held now, arms behind their back, security finally “subduing” the problem.

  “He was watching out for us, Jaime.” I tipped my head to Liam. “And that’s his brother, he was trying to break up the fight.”

  “You know these two?” Jaime asked and I nodded. “Get this piece of shit out of my club, and if you ever come here again I’ll have you arrested.”

  Security dropped their hold
on Liam and Kieran and helped remove the problem from the premises. Jaime gave me a disapproving glare before he walked away, leaving me to stew over the interrogation I’d no doubt have to endure before I left tonight.

  Liam grumbled under his breath, looked at Dacia and asked, “Can I get a shot of Jameson?”

  Kieran’s eyes widened.

  “Don’t fucking look at me like that, you’re the one getting into a bar fight… at a strip club.” Liam’s lips spread into a smile as he took a seat at the bar and Kieran exhaled a laugh.

  Kieran’s knuckles were bleeding, his eyes were a little wild, and my stomach had joined my heart in my throat. This wasn’t funny, and it was all my fault.

  “You’re bleeding.” I lifted his hand and we both assessed it in silence. After I’d taken a few quick breaths, stolen his scent into my lungs, I said, “I have a first aid kit in the back.”

  He linked his fingers with mine despite the pain I was sure it was causing him. His knuckles were swollen, bruises already forming.

  We were in the back room, the same room I’d once lived in, the same place I almost died when he said, “You should’ve told me.”

  I didn’t dare look at him as I released his hand. I didn’t respond as I opened the cabinet doors under the sink, grabbed the first aid kit, and then turned on the water. Coward. I was a coward with my back turned, my head down. His body was shadow and I let it cover me. He was close. Breathing fire. And without even realizing, I’d let a few tears fall down my cheeks. I faced him and two points of heat lifted my chin. His fingertips tilted my head back, exposed me… held me.

  “You could’ve told me.” He rested his palm on my cheek and I let him.

  It was hard to find your voice when a man looked at you like you were the first woman he had ever wanted. “I was ashamed.” I pulled away from his palm and turned to the sink. I grabbed a rag from the drawer, wet it, and took another even breath as I faced him again. “It’s not something you bring up on a first date.” My voice faded as I spoke, and I lightly lifted his hand, touching the cloth to his broken skin.

  He held his hand still, but hissed as I blotted away the blood. “I don’t care that you work at strip club.”

  He didn’t know everything, and again that black hole I was digging deepened.

  “I saw your face, you were pissed. You almost left.” I kept my voice steady, strong, and rinsed the rag.

  My hands were fumbling with the first aid kit when he grasped my waist. My pulse skipped, tripped, and restarted.

  His breath tickled my neck. “I thought you’d lied. I figured you’d only told me you were a bartender to hide that you were a stripper.” He turned me gently at the hips, so close I had to lean my head back just to look into his eyes. “Lies… it’s a deal breaker for me. I don’t lie, and I’ll never lie to you.” He framed my face with his hands and my lips began to shiver with the truth. Lies were what I was built on. Lies were the cells and structure of my DNA. “I told you the truth about a lot of things last night, I trust you, and I want you to trust me.”

  “Kieran this… I can’t—”

  He pressed one soft kiss to the corner of my mouth. Stole the truth from my lips before I was able speak it.

  “Trust is won and I want to win you,” he whispered and lowered his hands.

  “You don’t even know me.”

  His smile was sunshine and it melted the frost building inside me. “I know you’re making me crazy. I know I want to give you things… things I’ve never wanted to give before.”

  “You are crazy.”

  His thumb brushed my cheek. “I know, but it feels really fucking good.”

  My back pushed against the counter, the rag twisted tightly in my fist as he closed the small gap between us. His hands cradled my jaw as he kissed my top lip and then my bottom. His groan sent goose bumps down my spine as my tongue tasted his. His body was a steel cage, and I wanted to stay inside of it forever. The bass filtered in through the crack in the door, and I opened my eyes. Kieran’s eyes opened too, and he kissed me with tender lips and then pulled away. I shouldn’t do this. I shouldn’t kiss him in bookstores, under moon light, against cars or even sinks. I shouldn’t want him to keep looking at me like he was now. Kieran’s grin inched up his cheeks as my blush inched up mine. His eyes told me that I was clean, that I was good, that I was worth it. The worst part of it all? I was actually starting to believe it.

  The pad of his thumb trailed across my cheek. “I want you to let me in…” His smile was broad as he said, “Or at least that second date you promised. Two days. I claimed them, remember?”

  My lips touched my dimples and, the giggle that bubbled up my throat, belonged to a girl I hardly recognized anymore.

  “I remember.” He dropped his hand, and I stared at the ripped skin. “Let me finish cleaning these cuts.”

  “Nah…” He chuckled. “My brother’s drinking whiskey and that’s not good for anybody.”

  “He strikes me as the type of guy who can hold his liquor.”

  Shades of gray filled his irises. “No, it’s what my father used to drink.” He stared ahead as he said, “He was an alcoholic. None of us really drink more than beer. Liam does, every now and then, but we all know what we could turn into, what addiction did to our family. It’s something none of us want to deal with ever again.”

  Addiction.

  The hope I’d been able to forage from the rays of Kieran’s smile turned to dust. “I’m sorry any of you had to deal with that.” I spoke past my narrowing throat, my eyes honest for the childhood he must’ve had.

  “It’s okay. We survived. And we’re stronger because of it.” He smiled like he wasn’t standing next to the thing he feared the most. The thing he never wanted to go through again.

  I had to tell him.

  “Let’s go assess the damage,” I said trying to lighten the mood and set the towel in the sink.

  He nodded with a laugh that was unburdened, and it begged me not to make tonight any worse than it had already become. When I saw him again, I’d tell him everything. Well, that was what I told myself.

  I’d tell him I was the opposite of everything he was. He was trust and I was a lie. He was innocence and I was wicked. I’d tell him I was everything he hated, and then show him there was no way to win me when he’d already lost.

  “I’d empty out the sea just so you could sink in me.”

  Hayley Stumbo~

  “Oh, how the righteous have fallen.” Liam snickered as he sat in the cab of my truck.

  “It’s ‘oh, how the mighty have fallen’, jackass.”

  Liam’s laugh had the corners of my mouth twitching, but I shook my head as he shrugged. “What the fuck ever. You were just in a strip club, little brother. You hit a stranger, and the chick you’re dating was practically wearing underwear as a uniform.” He clapped my shoulder but I shoved it off. He laughed again when I started the truck. “It’s fucking hilarious.”

  I didn’t answer him and maybe it was the set of my jaw, but Liam left it alone. He was right, though. What the hell had just happened? Melissa worked at a strip club. My mind was still working through all that pink light and naked flesh. I’m not a stripper. She wasn’t, and I didn’t think it really mattered anyway, but she’d technically lied to me. She was a bartender, I told myself. A bartender in the hottest damn shorts I’d ever seen, and that top she had on… it wasn’t difficult to see what Mel was working with under that thin fabric. It was a testament to my own personal strength that I hadn’t immediately gotten hard when I’d looked at her. After I’d walked into the club, and I’d seen that asshole’s hand on her hip, every vessel in my body had quaked as the beat of my heart raged. It was barbaric, but the four letters had formed in my head, hovering in my brain like a dense fog of testosterone and idiocy. Mine. She wasn’t mine, though, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

  I’d met her at church so I assumed a lot of things, wanted a lot of things, but Melissa had told me herself
that I didn’t know her, and clearly I should’ve listened. I’d let my physical need, this strange-as-hell attraction I had for her blur all the lines I’d always held in perfect fucking rows. I liked her and I needed to focus on that instead of thinking with my dick.

  I cleared my throat. “Has Kelly said anything to you… you know about—”

  “Mel? No. I wonder if Kelly even knows she works at a titty bar.”

  I cringed. “The way you say it makes it sound so seedy.”

  “Those places are seedy, man…back room blow jobs and shit.”

  I eyed him. “How do you know?”

  “Keep your eyes on the road.” He sighed. “I just know.”

  My eyes widened, and I was grateful I was looking straight ahead because I wasn’t sure I wanted to see his expression.

  “Personally?” I asked a little incredulous.

  “If by personally you mean have I had my dick sucked in the back of a strip club? Then no. But I’ve been to a few clubs, and it’s not really a secret, but yeah, that shit goes down.” He chuckled. “Am I fucking up your rose-colored glasses, little man?”

  I let out a long breath. I didn’t know why but, the thought of my brother paying for sex, it got under my skin. If he’d taken advantage of a woman like that, there was no way I’d be able to look at him the same. I couldn’t imagine what a girl’s life would have to be like for her to think selling her body was her only option. Kelly sometimes would talk about the women who came into Lifeline all hooked on drugs, prostitutes so beaten up they had to be taken to the hospital. It’s terrible to think people live like that. I was so damn naïve.

  “It bothers me... that she didn’t straight up tell me. Lying by omission is still lying.”

  “Look, Kieran. You just met the chick. She’s not going to throw all her dirty laundry onto the table on the first date. Would you?”

  My laundry wasn’t necessarily dirty, but I’d told her about my virginity. I’d trusted her enough for that. But I guess that was on me, and I couldn’t hold her to my own expectation of what I wanted her to be.