Strangers in Vienna

by Angela L.

  Now I’m looking at your gravestone

  I place some flowers, sitting here alone

  I hope you can hear me right now

  I tapped the back of my pen against the notepad, stuck in between thoughts.

  What rhymed with now? It was like solving a crossword puzzle, and I desperately needed a dictionary.

  Vow.

  I’m going to make my final and last vow

  The next few verses came quickly to me once I started drinking some coffee. The hospital coffee tasted weird, but it was definitely doing something good to my brain.

  I promise that I’ll never forget you

  Remember that in my mind it’s still us two

  I’m standing in the pouring rain

  Eyes red, I feel like I’m going insane

  Please give me a sign

  Anything will do just fine

  You’re gone but I’m still sleeping on the left side

  And I can't go through another night

  “Those are some sad, sad, sad lyrics.” The man next to me stared down at my paper. He looked like he was about forty years old with some white streaks poking out among his hair. “Sorry, I don’t mean to pry. My wife’s in that room over there giving birth to our first baby girl and I’m excited,” he said, pointing to a room close to Raya’s.

  “It’s all right,” I said.

  His leg was shaking and he kept on staring at the clock on the wall. He also had a big sweaty moustache. He was finishing a Sudoku puzzle on a newspaper that came out last week, but it looked like he’d only solved the first few boxes. “They’re good. Extremely good, actually. Do you sing, too?”

  “No. I have been told that I sing worse than a tone-deaf walrus that has a cork in its throat.” I laughed.

  “Well, you still got talent,” he said. “You thinking of doing this your whole life? Like a job? You’ll be good at it.”

  “Nah. This is just…something that I fool around with,” I said. I wanted to say that I was thinking about going professional, but the possibilities were endless if I tried. What if I failed? Where would I go? Where would I even begin? It would be realistic to not even consider it.

  “Fool around with? It looks like you’ve been ‘fooling’ around with writing for a long time.” He laughed.

  “Yeah.” I nodded. I sort of felt bad for him. If I had the choice, I would give him some tequila or something to calm him down. “Well, I stopped a few years ago, but I picked it up again.”

  “What made you do that?” he asked.

  “I met a boy and…he…inspired me, I guess,” I said.

  “Ah. It’s always love,” he said wondrously. “What happened?”

  “Yeah…love,” I said. The words felt weird when I said them. “We…we, um, I guess you can say we fell apart.”

  “Well, if it is meant to be, it’s meant to be,” he said.

  “Right,” I said sarcastically.

  “You don’t believe in destiny?”

  “I think destiny’s just an excuse for lazy people to sit around and wait for what happens,” I said. It sounded harsh, but it was the truth.

  “Well, I think destiny’s just another way of saying what you do now is what you get later. You probably met your guy at the wrong time, maybe even the wrong place. Who knows? Maybe you guys will start talking again,” he said, all hopeful and stuff.

  “Wow, you believe in that whole ‘true love in the end’ thing, huh?” I said and took a sip of my coffee that was now as cold as ice.

  “You don’t?” He touched his wedding ring.

  “It’s just that a lot of people I know don’t exactly find ‘true love,’” I said. “It’s worse when someone finds their true love but…things get in the way. True love…it’s just overrated.”

  “Maybe those people have already found true love. They just haven’t noticed yet. Or maybe their time will come soon.”

  “Or maybe they missed it,” I said, thinking about Alaric. “‘True love’ doesn’t happen to everyone. It’s not like the movies where almost everyone get a happily ever after.”

  “Oh boy, it’s been two hours already,” he said suddenly, realizing the time.

  “Your wife will be fine,” I reassured him.

  He started shaking his legs more. “Oh, boy.”

  “Relax. I’m positive your wife is more nervous with that baby coming out of her than you are.” I laughed.

  A tired-looking nurse dressed in white came out of Raya’s room and slowly approached me. “Ma’am, are you Demi Hayes?”

  I nodded.

  “The baby’s here,” she said and smiled and left.

  “Well, I got to go,” I announced, getting up from my seat. “It was nice talking to you.”

  “You, too. You got my mind off the baby for a few minutes, so thank you for that. Still really nervous, though,” he said anxiously. He was beginning to sweat again. Oh, boy, if only I had something to give him.

  “Trust me, no parent is perfect. Good luck,” I said and walked off.

  A nurse was cleaning up some of the tools at a sink in the room and another one was helping Raya hold the baby. Even though Raya’s face was pale under the hospital’s fluorescent lights and she had dark bags under her eyes, she held the baby so carefully in her arms, looking at her as if she was the solution for world hunger.

  I knocked on the door gently. “Hey, Raya,” I whispered and quietly walked in, afraid to wake the baby.

  Raya looked up slowly and realized it was me. “Demi, isn’t she beautiful?” I don’t know how she managed to smile so big when she had just used up all her energy giving birth.

  “She is,” I said. In all honesty, I thought the baby looked gross. Every baby was like that once they come out right away, all wet and stuff. Usually, it was when the baby was all dried up with their chubby baby cheeks poking out and in those tiny baby clothes that they should actually be called cute or adorable. I think it’s just one of those things you say, like “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  “What should we name her?” Raya looked at me.

  “You didn’t pick out a name yet?” I asked her.

  She shook her head. “Your dad was going to pick out the name, but we never decided.”

  “Can I hold her?” I asked.

  Raya nodded. “Careful,” she said and gently slipped her into my arms. It was weird looking down at her and I started to get goosebumps. I still didn’t think my brain had acknowledged her existence, even though she was right here in my arms. My half sister.

  I had a half sister now.

  Her eyes were closed and her breaths were short and sweet. She was so still yet so alive lying there in my arms.

  For a moment, I wanted to be in the baby’s shoes. I wanted to breathe for the first time, to open my eyes for the first time, to feel the innocence of childhood, and to simply look at life with nothing but a shallow perspective. A fresh start.

  “What are you thinking?” Raya asked.

  “Hope,” I said. “Let’s name her Hope.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  (March 14, 1993, in Missouri)

  The house seemed so empty now that Jacob was gone. Even though it had only been two weeks, I still missed having him in the house. The third seat at the dinner table was now cold and empty again and the couch was now clean; it no longer had any of his pillows and blankets scattered all over. Two weeks ago, his dad finally took him in again. I didn’t think they were talking like they used to but at least he got his home back.

  My soft white blanket covered me in its coziness as I turned on my flashlight and shone it on my journal.

  At night, Jacob would usually turn the television up really loud to keep him awake when he didn’t feel like sleeping. I would sometimes listen along to the program that he was watching until I slowly fell asleep. But now…the night was so silent that even under the covers, I could hear the crickets chirp outside my closed windows.

  Dear Alaric,

  It’s been exactly two week
s since Noelle’s been gone. The police seem to have given up. I even overheard one of the officers whispering to another man that she’s probably dead…but what if she isn’t? There’s still a part of me that has hope she’s still alive. The four of us have been biking around the town almost every day, checking every corner for any signs of her.

  We’ve been so desperate. One time, one of the janitors at school said he saw her walk by the school until we realized who he thought was Noelle was just a girl called Danny in our grade who looked like her.

  Time is running thin and our hope is slowly fading away.

  I miss Noelle so much that it hurts to even think about it. I try not to think of the worst-case scenarios but sometimes, my mind can’t help but wonder if her body is somewhere alone in the woods, buried by leaves.

  If you were here, what advice would you tell me? If you were here in this situation, what would you do?

  As my pencil left its last mark in my sentence, Hope’s cry pierced through my door crack. I set down my paper and pencil.

  A rush of cold air greeted me the minute I lifted the sheets off my body. I shivered as I walked out of my room and my feet turned icy cold from touching the floor.

  I could clearly hear Raya slowly getting out of her bed since her door was wide open.

  “Raya,” I whispered from the hallway, shining my flashlight at her.

  She quickly turned her head, startled, then realized it was just me. “Did Hope wake you up?”

  “Yeah, but it’s okay. You can go back to sleep. I got this,” I said.

  “Thank you, Demi,” Raya whispered and sunk under her covers again.

  Hope had been crying nonstop during these nights and Raya had been losing more and more sleep each day. The other morning, her head had almost drooped down to her cereal bowl.

  When I entered the nursery room, Hope’s high-pitched scream became so deafening that it was a miracle that the windows didn’t break.

  I was going to turn on the lights, but then that wouldn’t help her sleep.

  “Hey, Hope,” I whispered and set down my flashlight on the table beside her white colored crib. “It’s Demi.” I took her out of the crib and cradled her.

  Her silky baby clothes rubbed against my arm as she squirmed around. Even in the darkness, I could tell her face was as red as a tomato as tears flowed down from her eyes.

  It was amazing how babies always looked so fragile, yet at times like this, they seemed to scream like a grown lady.

  “Shhhh,” I whispered softly to her. Tears were running down her cheeks and onto her clothes. I hummed some lullaby, and after five minutes or so, she quieted down and started laughing.

  Babies are so bipolar sometimes.

  “Go back to sleep,” I said, but the more I rocked her, the more she seemed to get excited.

  I gently laid her back inside the crib, where she rolled around, giggling.

  “Hey. Hope, let’s go back to sleep, okay?” I said even though I knew she couldn’t understand a word that I was saying. She continued to have her own little fun, crawling up to me with an amused smile on her face.

  I rolled her up in a soft and pink blanket, but even though she looked all cozy like a burrito, her big eyes were still wide open.

  “Why won’t you fall asleep?” I whispered. Hope looked at me with those innocent round eyes. I pulled up a chair and sat next to the crib, knowing that it was going to be a long night.

  As I looked down at her, I couldn’t help but think what her life could be like if she didn’t have to grow up in this town.

  What would my life have been like if I hadn’t grown up here?

  Would life have been worse or the same? If Hope grew up somewhere else, would she turn out better than me, or anybody else in this town? Unfortunately, I would never know.

  I continued to hum while I gently rocked her crib. I must have been really tired because before I knew it, I fell asleep at the sound of my own lullaby with Hope staring right at me with her big round eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  (April 1, 1993, in Missouri)

  Since Noelle had been gone, the four of us hadn’t been back to the tree house much: we were all busy searching for her day and night.

  Even when we were all together, it felt awfully different without her. There was an empty space, not only physically, but also mentally. The police had given up their search. Ms. Griffin already seemed to be planning a funeral. I kept finding myself trying to tell Noelle something but then realizing she wasn’t here anymore.

  The people at school seemed to have been convinced that she was dead already, as they dropped flowers, candles, and cards at her locker. In the end, it looked more like a huge arrangement of flowers that a boyfriend would do to impress his girlfriend rather than a shrine.

  “I can’t believe it. We’re basically done with senior year,” Donna said and stretched her arms while yawning, looking like a bear that just got out of hibernation.

  There was now an invisible rule in the tree house: we weren’t allowed to mention Noelle’s name, but the four of us knew that each and every one of us was thinking about her constantly. I think we’d all refused to accept the fact that she could be gone, but in the back of our heads, we knew.

  “This sucks,” Benji said and tilted his head up at the roof.

  “What?” Jacob asked.

  “We’re eighteen years old. We’re adults.” Benji had that disgusted look on his face. “I don’t want to be an adult.”

  “You sound like those little whiny kids.” Donna rolled her eyes.

  “Says the girl who keeps on complaining about work every single day,” Benji said and began to imitate Donna. “‘Oh, I’m so tired from work! Why are there always stains? I don’t want to clean anymore!’”

  She stared at him. “I don’t even sound like that.”

  I wasn’t exactly listening to them. I kept on thinking about the thoughts I’d had last night that had been ringing through my mind ever since.

  As I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I’d realized…Alaric was right.

  I’d always known that I liked avoiding conflict in life. Everyone did. But maybe ignorance wasn’t always bliss. Maybe ignorance was just a spiritual drug that got you addicted with not letting the emotions take over and inflict pain on you. But that was what pain was. It was a sign that…you were alive.

  Raya had her own life taking care of the new baby. Noelle had vanished for months and this town held nothing good for us. We might as well just rot in here our whole lives…or we could fly away.

  There was nothing holding us to this town except each other.

  “Guys…what do you all think about…running away?” I suddenly said in the middle of their discussion. I seemed to have intruded in an important conversation between Jacob, Benji, and Donna since all of their faces were red with anger. I looked at each of their expressions and I could tell that they all thought I was a crazy person.

  “What?” Donna stared at me.

  “I’m serious. Let’s run away. Let’s just leave this place and never come back,” I said.

  “No, thanks,” said Donna.

  “Why not? What’s holding us here? We’ve got nothing.”

  “Wait, you’re actually serious?” Jacob said.

  “Where would we even go?” Benji asked.

  “Wherever we want to. Texas. Washington. New York. Anywhere.”

  Benji snorted and nudged me. “Good luck with that.”

  “What’s gotten into you?” Donna asked me.

  “So, what? You guys are just going to stay here for the rest of your lives working a miserable job until the day you die?”

  “This town is all we got. Let’s not forget we’ve got nothing. No money. No connections,” Donna said.

  “It’s sad, but true,” said Benji. “Why the sudden thought anyway?”

  “I guess…surviving isn’t enough. We’ve got to thrive.”

  “What about…?” Donna stopped midsentence a
nd looked down at her feet.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What if Noelle came back?” she murmured.

  The tree house was so silent that we could hear each other’s breaths.

  “What if she doesn’t?” Benji suddenly whispered.

  “Don’t say that,” said Jacob.

  “What if she came back one day and you’re gone? How would she feel? What would we tell her?” Donna asked aggressively.

  I didn’t know how to answer her. What if she came back? But sadly, it seemed like I was beginning to believe less and less that she would ever show up again.

  “If you left, you would spend your entire life wondering what happened to Noelle,” said Donna.

  “Then I’ll wonder. We never really get closure anyway,” I said.

  “Let’s…do it,” Jacob said, looking at the ground.

  I was surprised. I didn’t think he realized what he’d just agreed to. “Seriously? You’re in?” I asked him.

  “Like you said, we’ve got nothing holding us here.” Jacob’s eyes were stone cold. “As for Noelle…I don’t know what will happen. But… this is our future we’re talking about.”

  “Is this a joke?” Donna looked at Jacob and me. “You guys are serious? Legit?”

  “I’m dead serious. We can build a new life, guys. Think about it,” I said.

  “Here’s what's going to happen, Demi. We’re going to run away, we’re going to get low on money, and then we’ll starve to death, and hopefully we won’t eat each other,” Donna said.

  “What if we succeed? What if luck finds us and we actually manage to start a new life, get a job, and have our own place far away from this town?” I said, thinking of what Alaric would have said.

  “The chances of that are slim to none,” Benji said. “It’s, like, ninety-five percent failure and five percent success.”

  “Then, I guess I’ll be hanging on to that five percent.”

  ****

  Two nights later, Jacob and I left town.

  Raya was locked in the nursery room, too busy taking care of Hope. I left her a long note on the kitchen counter explaining everything, and then I grabbed my bag and closed the front door behind me.