Hold On to Me

by Lucia Franco

  “Jace is gone,” he cried. “Jace is gone …”

  At that, Alyssa hugged him tighter and comforted him. He could hear her sniffles and feel the small vibrations on her back. She was holding it in. Jace had been her friend too. How could he have been so insensitive and forget that? Finding the strength, he took a deep breath and picked Alyssa up. Her legs automatically wound around his waist and locked behind him with her head in his neck now. John walked to his truck, pulled down the tailgate and gently put Alyssa on it. But they never let go of each other. No, they just held on tight without saying a word.

  There were no words to be said. Just emotions to be felt.

  Pulling back, John looked at Alyssa whose eyes were puffy and swollen, exactly what his felt like. She wiped away the wetness under his eyes, then dried her thumbs on her shorts. A sad, small smile plagued her mouth and he wanted to kiss it away. Night had fallen, so the only light they had was coming from the full moon above them.

  “Jace is gone.” He repeated quietly, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

  Alyssa’s chin quivered. She fought to hold the tears in. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.”

  She placed a hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat underneath her palm. “I think it would help if you did,” she said. “Maybe a little?”

  The breeze caused the branches to sway and allowed the moonlight to filter through the trees. Alyssa got a glimpse of the emotions running across John’s face as he stared down, but he wasn’t looking in her eyes, he was staring at her shoulder. Like he couldn’t make eye contact with her. He was vulnerable right now and allowing himself to be open. She was hurting too, but not nearly as bad as John was. She couldn’t begin to imagine the pain he was feeling or the thoughts running through his head as another thick tear rolled down his cheek. She wanted to kiss the tears away and remove his pain.

  John’s hands began skimming up her arms, over her shoulders where he squeezed them lightly and then landing on the sides of her neck. Alyssa shivered at the touch of his fingers. He gently tilted her head back and their eyes met … and her heart broke.

  John was crumbling inside. His eyes said it all. Gone was the vibrant ivy green that she had come to love and in its wake was a deep, melancholy green with honey amber tones. They reminded her of a tiger, not in the he was ready to pounce and lay claim kind of way, but instead that of a small cub—defenseless and unsure of his path kind of way.

  And that just broke her inside.

  John pressed his forehead to hers and his lips parted. He heaved a heavy sigh. John didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to either. Alyssa could feel it as his trembling hands caressed her jaw. He was asking for more, but not taking it.

  Tilting his head, John’s voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry for what I said to you, Alyssa.” She pinched her eyes shut and shook her head. At the time it hurt, but she didn’t want to think about it now.

  Swallowing, she said, “It’s over with. Don’t worry about it.”

  But John didn’t stop. “No, it was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have said it.”

  “Johnny, it’s okay.” She reiterated.

  “Do you need to be home soon?” he asked. He hoped she didn’t have to.

  “No.”

  “That’s good. Do you think …” he stammered, “do you think we could just lay here on my truck bed for a little while? I’m not ready to go home yet.”

  “Of course.”

  “Just a sec.” John let go and walked to the passenger door. He pushed the seat forward and grabbed the towels he kept as spares in the backseat. He had learned to be prepared whenever he and Jace wanted to go mudding.

  Him and Jace … tears sprung to his eyes.

  John walked back to the truck bed. He climbed up and layered the towels, trying to create as much cushion as he could for Alyssa. He wouldn’t feel the hardness, but he wanted her to be comfortable. Shrugging, he looked at her and said, “This is about all I could do. Sorry …”

  “No need to be sorry, I have you to snuggle up to.”

  The diminutive smile she saw for a split second on his face made her happy. Alyssa climbed up and sat next to John. He propped an arm behind his head as he lay back. She curled up next to him and rested her head on his chest, draping an arm over his stomach. John wrapped his free arm around her waist and pulled her closer, dropping a kiss to her head.

  “Thank you,” he whispered. John’s chest ached, but Alyssa soothed him with her presence. What would he have done without her?

  “I probably should have called Ford instead,” he said quietly, staring at the starless night sky. “But I couldn’t imagine being with Ford after what happened tonight. I could only think of you. I needed you.”

  Sure, their relationship had been rocky the last few weeks because of his dickhead comments, but they were still friends, nearly best friends. John didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but he was sure of one thing he cared for her deeply.

  Nearly an hour had passed as they laid there listening to the crickets in the stillness of the night. It was peaceful even though there was turmoil in his life. Like they were in their own bubble and nothing could hurt them. Rolling over, John pulled Alyssa to her side and looked at her sleepy face.

  “I’ll take you home soon. You look tired.”

  She shook her head. “Let’s stay here tonight,” she suggested in a groggy voice. “I have to work in the morning so we’ll have to leave early, but let’s stay here.”

  “You sure?”

  “I am.”

  Jesus, he couldn’t have a more perfect girl next to him than Alyssa. He looked deeply into her eyes and saw the goodness and warm heart that she hid when they first met. Maybe it was fate that they met. Did he believe in fate, though? It sounded like such a childish fairytale thing to say, fate, but maybe the Big Man up above knew he would need her during this time.

  Alyssa was staying for him, so it was only fair that he open up about tonight’s events. Taking a deep breath, John opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Alyssa’s lips. He was surprised, and wasn’t expecting it, but he savored the feel of her lips against his as he grasped her hip with his hand. She made him feel like he could make it past tonight.

  “I thought you needed it,” she said quietly when she pulled back. “You look like you’re about to say something big.”

  John squinted his eyes. How did she know?

  “Maryanne took Jace off life support tonight. I stood there and watched as the doctors did it. She didn’t want me there, but I couldn’t just leave her …” he squeezed his eyes shut trying to erase the memory from his brain.

  “That’s because you have a good heart, Johnny.”

  “How can a parent have the strength to do that?” John shook his head in utter disbelief. Nothing made sense anymore.

  “We aren’t given what we can’t handle. Not that anyone should have to handle that … you know what I mean? And from what you’ve told me, he wasn’t truly alive anymore.”

  John just looked at her. She was correct. Jace was dead inside, kind of how John felt himself. “You’re right. It was just a shell of him, not who he was anymore. I felt it when I walked in a few weeks ago too, I just ignored it then.”

  “Exactly. So you can’t look at it like that, like she pulled the plug or when she gave the doctors the final yes saying it was okay to do it. Because trust me, she’s not okay with it. It’s going to haunt her for the rest of her life, but she also knew in her heart that her son was gone. I don’t know … I’m just thinking that’s what she felt? Mothers have this weird intuition when it comes to their kids.”

  John stayed quiet as he looked in her eyes. He felt his emotions intensifying, his heart soaring for her. She was his rock tonight when she shouldn’t even be. God, he loved her.

  John Jackson was wholly and completely in love with Alyssa Winters.

  He was drowning in a sea of emotions that he didn’t know how to make sens
e of. Jace … Alyssa … Alyssa … Jace … The sensations of being high and low at the same time made his eyes widen and a shiver break out across his body. He didn’t know how to handle any of it, but before he could process another thought, Alyssa gripped his jaw, threaded her fingers through the hairs at his nape and smashed her lips to his. She threw her leg over and hooked it around his waist and kissed away everything he was feeling that caused him heartache. He loosened his grip at her waist and skimmed the small of her back, pressing her to him. His hand curved around her ass feeling for her skin past her shorts. John fought to stifle a groan but he couldn’t stop his hips from rolling into hers. Alyssa felt divine in his arms. Her warm flush body against his is what he needed. He needed to feel alive and whole. And he needed to feel it with Alyssa.

  Rolling her over, Alyssa moaned when he rested his body between her thighs. He aligned himself and pushed forward. John would give anything to sink right into her.

  Placing an arm under her head to create a pillow, he deepened the kiss. He started out fast, feverish almost, that desperate need to feel that she was really under him, but then he slowed down and took his time. He lapped at her lips slowly, his tongue tangling with hers. He savored every moment of their kiss committing it to his memory. Alyssa’s hips undulated, and she moaned into his mouth. Sweet fuck. He wanted her at that very moment. But he wouldn’t take her. It just wasn’t right on so many levels tonight.

  “Alyssa, baby,” he panted. “You have to stop.” At that, she squeezed her thighs as her hands roamed his back, her fingers gripping him. John groaned. This wasn’t going to be easy. Alyssa reached for his lips and kissed him again then whispered against his mouth, “Shhh … Let me take care of you, Johnny.”

  “It’s not right … not after everything …” God, he felt like shit. What was wrong with him?

  “Do you trust me?”

  He nodded. John didn’t even have to think about his answer. He trusted Alyssa completely.

  “Let me make you forget everything tonight. Right here, right now on the back of your truck.”

  “I love you,” he said quietly, looking into her steely blue eyes. He dropped a soft kiss to her supple lips and allowed her to take over.

  John needed Alyssa more than ever tonight, and she gave herself to him in every way. She took every ounce of him without a word as he lost himself in her over and over again.

  Two days passed with countless calls and texts to John, but he never responded to any of them. She wanted to help him, be there for him after the loss of Jace. She knew he was hurting, there was no question about it, and she wanted to be the one to help him get through each day, but how could she when he disregarded her? What hurt was that Jace had been her friend too. Didn’t he see that? She might not be hurting as badly as John, but her eyes were swollen from crying and her heart felt ripped in two.

  This is why she didn’t do relationships–friendship or otherwise. Everyone either left or she was forced to leave. Either way, she ended up feeling unwanted in the end.

  “Why the long face?”

  Peering over her shoulder was Ben. She’d been closing up and finishing her duties at work when he interrupted her thoughts.

  “Just a lot on my mind.” Surely he had to know why she looked so miserable, right? That Jace had died?

  Ben eyed her as if he was trying to read her thoughts. “Here, let me help you.” He grabbed a wet rag, but she stopped him.

  “You don’t have to do that. Go home, your shift is over.”

  He shrugged as if it was nothing. “I know I don’t, I want to.”

  Ben helped with the rest of the tables and stayed until she was finished. She worked a double today, and even though she was exhausted, she was too wired to go to sleep just yet.

  “Want to talk about it?” Ben asked dropping the rag in the bucket.

  She shook her head. “Not really.”

  “Have any plans after work?”

  A sad laugh rolled off her lips. “No.”

  “How about I pick up a bottle and we head back to my place? You look like you could use a drink.”

  She chewed her lip as she took in his dark eyes. “Sounds like a plan.”

  Ben smirked with a glimmer in his eyes. “What’s your poison?”

  “I’ll take anything at this point.”

  “That bad?”

  She looked away. For her it was. “I have to grab my tips and I want to get cleaned up before I come over. I smell like a fast food joint.”

  Ben’s smile only grew and he laughed. “Want to get washed up at my place? I’ll give you some clothes.”

  “Yeah, that would be great actually.” She really wasn’t in the mood to go home just yet, even if it was to change. She wanted to have a drink, shower, and relax. In that order.

  “Sweet. I gotta checkout too. Meet me out front and you can follow me?” he asked, and she nodded.

  Pulling into the rundown neighborhood, it was dark with hardly any lighting. Ben only lived about ten minutes from her house, but they made a detour to a liquor store that was still opened. They decided on Tequila, well, Ben did. She wasn’t crazy about liquor, but at this point she didn’t care. She just wanted to get drunk and forget about Johnny for the night.

  Parking her mom’s car, she got out and followed him to the front door. Unlocking it, Ben pushed the door open to his rented apartment and escorted her in. He flicked the lights on and she looked around. The apartment was small and bare, but rather clean. No pictures were mounted on the walls and there was only a couch, coffee table and a flat screen television.

  “Is your dad home?”

  He chuckled. “I don’t live with my dad.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

  “Yeah, we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, so I was out once I turned eighteen.”

  Curious, she asked, “But how do you afford to live on your own?”

  Ben dropped his keys and black plastic bag that held the Tequila onto the small glass table. “Well, a one bedroom isn’t all that expensive on this side of town actually and everything is included in my rent.” He shrugged. “If I’m not in school, I work. Plus, I have student loans that help.”

  Ben uncapped the bottle and pulled out two tall and slender shot glasses from a cabinet in the kitchen. “A shot before you get cleaned up?”

  “Yeah, that sounds good.” He handed her the glass and she could smell the potency of the seemingly innocent looking clear liquid. A shiver flitted across her arms. Ben saw it and laughed.

  “Not a big Tequila fan?”

  “Not really. I mean, I’m more of a Bud girl. Hard liquor isn’t my thing, but sometimes beer isn’t enough, you know?”

  He nodded with a smirk. “I suggest taking the whole shot in one then. Tequila is more of an acquired taste.”

  She held up the glass and looked at it.

  “It’s a double,” he said. “Ready?”

  She released a sigh. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

  “Bottoms up,” Ben clinked his glass against hers.

  Taking a deep breath, she took the whole shot. As soon as it hit the back of her throat, she almost gagged. The last time she had a shot of tequila was with John at the bonfire. It wasn’t bad then, but she’d already had a few shots of whiskey before that so maybe that helped. She shivered, cringing from the impact and swallowed hard.

  “Holy shit,” she brought the back of her hand to her mouth. Tequila was definitely an acquired taste. Her eyes watered and she shook it off. Ben laughed at her response to the shot. “That bad?”

  “No,” she lied. “I’m just not used to it. You drink this stuff all the time?” He nodded. She was going to need a few minutes before she had another one. Placing the glass on the table, she asked, “Want to show me to the bathroom?” She could smell the food on her and wanted to wash it away.

  “You have a dart board in your place?” she said with a smile, stopping in the living room.

  “Yeah, why not? It’s fun, e
specially after a few drinks.”

  “I have terrible aim. I would be hitting the wall left and right.”

  Ben chuckled. “We’ll play a game in a little bit. I’ll teach ya.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Do you want tiny little holes in your wall? Because that’s what will happen.” Ben wrapped an arm around her shoulders and grinned. His lip ring caught her attention. “Let’s get you cleaned up and we’ll try it out.”

  As she walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on, Ben walked back in and handed her a pair of boxer shorts and a black Metallica shirt. He left and she turned the water hotter, steam filled the bathroom. Stepping in, the heated water cascaded down and she leaned against the shower wall. It was a little too hot, but she needed it. She needed to forget about the last few days but she couldn’t. They plagued her thoughts all day.

  Tears escaped as she thought about Jace. She thought about him as much as she thought about John. Despite not knowing Jace very long, his passing still tore her up pretty badly. She wished she had more time with him. He was fun to be around, had that innocent flirtatious smile and was real. He was her friend and now he was gone. Alyssa shook her head, the mourning in her chest mounting. John might have needed her that night, but she needed him just as much. Jace had become a good friend and now he was a memory.

  A memory that would soon fade with the rest of them.

  Alyssa stepped out of the shower and towel dried her hair. The tequila was already hitting her blood stream, helping the tension in her neck ease. She slipped on Ben’s clothes and wiped the foggy mirror with her hand. Ben’s shirt almost went to her knees and made it look like she had no shorts on. She tied it into a knot at her waist and rolled the shorts so they sat a little tighter on her. A blank look stared back at her and she touched the puffiness under her red eyes. She wanted one night where she didn’t think about John or cry from losing Jace. She felt selfish wanting that, but she needed it. The pain was damaging. She didn’t want to be alone either, so it was perfect that Ben invited her over.