Hold On to Me

by Lucia Franco

  “Why’s that?”

  She bit her lip. “Because I’ll want more, you’re making me want more, but right now is just not the time. And …”

  John looked at her in anticipation. She rolled her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down. “I don’t want you here just for sympathy or thinking a kiss will fix it all. I want you to do it because you want to for no reason other than to feel me, not because you feel bad.”

  Falling onto his back, John threw an arm over his eyes, sighing loudly. “You’re way off, but I guess it’s a good thing you pulled back. This wasn’t very smart of me … I shouldn’t have even touched you to begin with.”

  Hurt surrounded her eyes. “Is it because I’m pregnant? The bruises?” She wasn’t even sure why she asked that.

  “No.”

  “Then why?”

  He stayed silent for a moment. “I just think we need to talk things out instead of fuck. And if I touch you I’m going to want to fuck you. So I shouldn’t have touched you.”

  Alyssa flinched. The last thing she wanted was to have sex—ever again.

  Rolling over, he positioned her face to meet his. “You want this?” he asked, thrusting his hard cock against her. She may have said nothing, but her eyes said it all. Alyssa wanted him even though she denied it.

  “Have nothing to say? Well, I want you, and more. How’s that? I don’t just want to fuck you. I want all of you right now. Happy?”

  “Go away,” she said, pushing at his chest. She didn’t like how crude he was acting.

  “No.” He didn’t budge. “You couldn’t push me off even if you tried with all your might. And you know what? I don’t think you want me to go anywhere. I think you want me here, between your legs begging for you.”

  “John … Please …” she said, tears forming in her eyes, fear taking hold of her. That wasn’t what she wanted. She just wanted to be held. “Just stop.” Her heart was beginning to pound. “Please … stop.”

  John let go and she could breathe again. “It’s not fair. Is it, Alyssa? Touching you was stupid because it only leads to things we can’t have right now. You want me and I want you, but we have bigger things to figure out.”

  “We have nothing to figure out. I have stuff to figure out. On my own.”

  John abruptly let go of her arm. “You got another thing coming if you think I’m just going to up and leave and forget about you.”

  Why did that have to break her heart? Alyssa should be happy that she had someone as wonderful as John willing and wanting to be there. “You can’t help.”

  “There’s a possibility you could be carrying my child and you think I’m just going to walk away? What kind of man do you take me for? A piece of shit, like Ben?”

  Her cheeks flamed, embarrassed. She turned her head and looked away. Unfortunately, the first thing that popped in her head was John hitting the road if this wasn’t his baby. “No,” she said softly. “You know I don’t think that.”

  “Get up. Let’s eat and figure this shit out. I don’t have much time left before I have to leave.”

  Hurt, Alyssa slowly go out of bed. She held her stomach, pain searing through her ribs. She gasped and reached for John’s bed. In seconds he was at her side.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, instantly feeling guilty. “I’m so sorry if I brought on this pain. I’m always fucking up.”

  “You didn’t,” she grunted.

  “Then why are you acting like you’re in agony?”

  Her eyes narrowed at him. “That’s because I am? Did you forget I have fractured ribs?”

  Closing his eyes, he said, “Of course I didn’t.”

  “Well, they hurt right now. It’s going to take me a minute to get moving.”

  “Let me help you,” he offered his hand.

  “No,” she said, pushing him away. “You won’t be here tomorrow and I don’t know when you’re coming back, so I need to do this on my own.”

  As much as John hated it, he let her win. “Okay … you’re right.”

  Standing up slowly, Alyssa let out a gush of air, the veins in her neck straining and then began walking to the bathroom.

  She hated her life right now.

  After lunch, John took Alyssa over to Luke’s house. Luke wasn’t home and John wanted privacy with her to go over everything. She needed him, and he was going to be there for her.

  “Your brother’s home is incredible,” Alyssa said absentmindedly as she rubbed her belly. “The way the lake glistens … It’s so peaceful out here. I feel like I don’t have a care in the world.”

  “He did a great job with all of it.”

  When Alyssa looked at John with a fractured smile, he knew he’d made the right decision about coming here.

  “Listen, Alyssa, I don’t have much time left, so I feel like we should get to the point. I spoke with my parents last night well into the early hours. They want you to stay at their house for as long as you like. So do I. I’ll be sending money to help you with whatever you need too so you don’t have to worry.” She went to speak up, but John stopped her. “Don’t even argue with me on this. It’s done.”

  Tears formed in her eyes at their generosity, including John’s. “Why are they being so nice?” Her own mother had kicked her out and here were two strangers willing to do anything to help her.

  “It’s just who they are, they both have big hearts. They love knowing that this could be their grandchild, too. This is your home now.”

  Looking at John, her jaw quivered. “It must be where you get it from, too.”

  John softened. “Don’t cry, honey. You know how I hate to see you cry,” he said, wiping away her tears.

  “I can’t help it,” she hiccupped. “It’s these stupid pregnancy hormones.”

  John chuckled.

  “I can’t stay there without paying my way, and I don’t want to stay once the baby is born, it wouldn’t be fair to your parents. I’ll need to figure out something soon.”

  “I’m sure ya’ll could come to some type of agreement.” Gently caressing her jaw, his voice dropped. “Did you know your eyes change color?”

  “They do?”

  His face softened. “Yeah …” he brought his thumb under her eye, careful not to touch the bruise there. “The outside is a vibrant blue, like a sapphire, but the inside near your pupil is a light green. It reminds me of a gemstone … or the ocean on a sunny summer day in Florida.”

  “Alyssa?” he asked when she kept quiet.

  “Yeah?”

  “I know I shouldn’t after this morning, but can I kiss you right now? I really need to.”

  Her heart dropped. She shouldn’t … “Why is that?”

  “Because I need to feel your lips on mine … because I miss you.” John shook his head, dropping his hand. What she didn’t understand was that he wanted her because he just did. Why did he have to have a reason?

  “What if …” she stammered. “What if it was only once?”

  John closed the distance with his lips. He pressed into her softly, careful not to hurt her. Her adorable belly pushed against him and he slid his hands around her neck and threaded his fingers through her soft hair. He held her to him as he sought entrance to her mouth. A soft sigh escaped her throat and her hands trembled on his shoulders. John could tell she was tense through her touch because she never used to hold back before.

  “Don’t be nervous. It’s just like before,” he whispered against her lips.

  Alyssa nodded and he kissed her again. She had to dig deep for the memories of her and John, the course of their friendship, and kissing for the first time otherwise fear would consume her.

  This time she tried not to hold back, but it was a struggle. She’d forgotten the smell of him, the taste … and she wanted more. As they released their hearts into one another through their kiss, it all came back. His sandalwood, earthy scent hit her hard and she parted her lips. When their tongues collided, they both moaned deeply. Arms wrapped around one another and they held
on tight, tongues lapping and caressing as if they couldn’t get enough of each other. His lips on hers, the touch of his hands on her body … were everything in that moment.

  But it was all too much too soon, and Alyssa broke the kiss and abruptly stood up from the swing. She was hot, droplets of sweat pooling between her breasts. “We need to stop.” What the hell had she been thinking?

  John sat back, taking a deep breath, he expelled it and arranged his pants.

  “You’re right. Come sit. I promise to keep my hands to myself this time.”

  Alyssa eyed him suspiciously before she sat down. “I don’t trust you.”

  “You shouldn’t. I want you,” he said, giving her the grin that she fell for.

  Alyssa eased onto the swing holding her stomach. The searing pain in her ribs caused her to grind her teeth. She was in agony and she couldn’t do anything for it. The doctor had given her pregnancy safe medication for pain, but she wouldn’t take it. She refused.

  “You don’t have to do this alone, I’m here for you. Let me be here for you.”

  She looked at John with tired eyes. “I’m trying, Johnny, I really am. I’m just worried about the future. It’s not just about me anymore, I have another life I have to care for, and it scares the shit out of me”

  John scooted closer to Alyssa. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and said, “When Jace died, I realized sweating the small stuff only created more problems for me to worry about. It was a headache I didn’t need. So I decided that I was going to live each day like it’s my last because tomorrow it could all be over. You have a lot on your plate, more than most people your age, but don’t worry about the future right now. Everything will work out because I’m going to be by your side to make sure it does. You have a place to stay with people who want you around. What you need to focus on is recovering and staying healthy.”

  Alyssa was rendered speechless. How did he make everything sound okay? She had no idea what to say, so she just rested her head on his chest and threw an arm around his waist, nodding.

  He kissed her forehead and she tried not to tense. “I’ll be counting down the minutes until I can have you in my arms again.”

  Her heart tightened. “Don’t say that,” she said quietly. “You don’t know when you’ll be back.”

  “You’re right—but I’ll try my best to come home every weekend. I’ll do what I can for you while I’m away, Alyssa. I promise.”

  “Please don’t make promises you can’t keep. I’ve had enough broken promises to last a life time, Johnny.

  John didn’t come home the next weekend. Or the weekend after that. Or the next.

  In fact, the last time she saw him was when he came home briefly for Christmas, two months ago. At this point she was in her ninth month and ready to pop at any minute.

  Alyssa missed John fiercely. She yearned for him on a daily basis, but she learned to live without him even though his absence was all around her. It wasn’t easy being surrounded by his loving parents while living in his room, but what choice did she have? Aside from their daily texting, he wasn’t actively there. Many times he told her he could come home, but she vetoed against it. She could hear the exhaustion in his voice and didn’t want to add to it. Plus, she’d been working at Roxie’s Diner a lot so it’s not like they would get much time together anyway.

  Who knew? He probably had a girlfriend now and wasn’t counting down the minutes like he said he would be. And he had every right to have one. He was insanely attractive with a big heart and Southern charm to boot. What’s not to like about John? His green eyes and cute as hell dimples caused a stirring in her belly. Every time she thought about him, her heart kicked up.

  Shit. She missed him. So. Fucking. Much.

  Lying back on the bed, she rubbed her belly while she elevated her feet. They throbbed from being on them all day long at the diner. She purchased comfortable shoes, but that didn’t seem to be enough. As much as she loved being pregnant, she couldn’t wait to hold her son in her arms. Her stomach was growing every day and her back was bending at an ungodly angle.

  Alyssa agreed to not move out once the baby was born. John didn’t like the idea of her being alone, and his parents wanted to help her. They said it would be too much too soon. And honestly, she was worried about being alone with a newborn. As much as she read up on babies, she knew nothing could prepare her for what it would be like.

  Seeing someone as tough and sweet as Diane suffer from Multiple Sclerosis made Alyssa feel bad. Some days you’d never guess she was in pain dealing with side effects. Clark was always by her side trying to help and comfort the tiny little woman. He loved Diane something fierce, as it showed in his eyes. Alyssa could only pray for a love like that one day.

  After pulling a double at the diner, Alyssa was beyond exhausted. She yawned, closing her eyes for a moment. Her body relaxed on the comfortable bed. Sleep came easy these days. She felt herself sinking away.

  Just as she was about to nod off, she felt a tightening in her stomach. Alyssa gasped, holding her belly. It lasted for a couple of seconds and then released. It was something that had never happened before and it scared her. A few more minutes passed without pain and she began nodding off again. A vibration woke her next. Alyssa groaned. She just wanted to sleep.

  Reaching for her phone, she read the caller ID–Yours Truly. Alyssa smiled to herself thinking back to when John added the contact name for himself. It felt like many moons ago.

  Yawning again, she answered. “Hello?”

  “Hey, baby.” Alyssa smiled, hearing the drawl in his voice.

  “Hey yourself.”

  “Were you sleeping?”

  “Not really … just nodding off a little. What’s up?”

  “Want me to call you back tomorrow?”

  “No, it’s fine … I expected you to be sleeping.”

  “I couldn’t sleep.” He paused. “I was thinking about you too much. I wanted to hear the sound of your voice before I went to bed.”

  Alyssa melted. “You’re so—” Alyssa gasped and clutched her stomach. “Shit.”

  “Alyssa? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she said between clenched teeth. “Nothing is wrong.”

  “Don’t lie to me. What just happened?”

  “My stomach … It’s weird … I’ve never felt this before … it’s tightening up and squeezing together.”

  “Is it contractions?”

  Alyssa paused. “Okay … It’s gone.” She released a breath of air. “I don’t know? Don’t you think I would know if I had a contraction?” She was utterly clueless. “I imagine it would be much worse, right?”

  “Where’s my mom? Go ask her.”

  “Johnny, it’s midnight and she’s sleeping. I’m not waking her up.”

  “Dammit Alyssa! What if something is wrong with the baby?”

  “There’s nothing wrong with him. And it passed.”

  John was quiet. He wished he could be there for her instead of four hours away. “How long does it last?” He knew next to nothing about pregnancies which just made him realize what an asshole he was because he should have read up on it.

  “Just a few seconds.”

  “Well, if it happens again you better tell me. I don’t care what time it is, tell me.”

  “Okay—“

  “You there?” he asked.

  “Yeah … Oh shoot. It’s doing it again.”

  “For the love of God,” he gritted. “Go get my mother.”

  A few seconds passed. “Phew. It’s gone. So tell me, what kind of training are you doing now?”

  “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.” Alyssa chuckled from the other end of the line. “It’s hard to say because each day is different, so I never know what to expect. Aviation is intense and extremely challenging, but I love it. There are so many different areas to learn. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to learn all of it.”

  “When will you be done?”

 
“About another few weeks then I’ll be going to my station.”

  Alyssa’s bit her lip. She hoped he wasn’t placed far away, or in another country. “Where’s that?”

  “My base will be MCAS Beaufort, South Carolina.”

  “What does MCAS mean?”

  John smiled. He could hear the tiredness in her voice. “Marine Corps Air Station.”

  “Oh. I should’ve figured that out,” she laughed shakily. “So,” she took a deep breath, “I have the arraignment coming up with Ben.” Just saying his name made her shiver.

  “When’s that? I can try and see if I can get down there for it.”

  “John, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t need you to hold my hand. I’m not a child. I can do things on my own. Plus, I don’t think it would look good for Ben to see you. He might get the wrong idea.”

  “I know you’re not a child, Alyssa, but it doesn’t hurt to have someone supporting you there.” He paused, growing agitated. “And the wrong idea how?”

  “You know, thinking we’re a couple and all. I don’t need any more drama in my life.”

  “Just curious, what are we?”

  She bit her lip. “Nothing? Friends?”

  “Nothing,” John deadpanned. “Nothing?” Was she serious?

  “What do you want me to say, John? I need to figure my life out. You’re away. We’re friends like we always have been. Nothing more.”

  A tick worked in his jaw. “I see. Well, friend, I’ll talk to you later. I have to be up early.”

  “John—”

  Click.

  John hung up. He had to or else he was going to lose his shit. They were nothing? Since when? They were always something, and definitely not nothing. That word left a sour taste in his mouth. She was his, and he was hers. End of story. Did she not see that? That his heart was tied to her irrevocably?

  Plugging his phone into his charger, John rolled onto his side. He’d love to go for a long run right now, but he needed to be fresh and awake for class tomorrow so that was out of the question. He’d go for one after class. John looked at the clock–1:00 am. Damn. He had four hours of sleep to get.