Hold On to Me

by Lucia Franco

  “Alyssa, John was telling me that you work a double every Saturday. So you have a sitter that whole day?”

  Handing another dish to Diane, she said, “Actually, I have a regular babysitter every Saturday and during the week it’s someone else. I found a girl who is getting her degree online and needed extra cash. She comes to my house to watch Brooke and when she sleeps she’ll work on her school work. I work two doubles, Fridays and Saturdays, and then a few nights. That way during the day I’m with Brooke. It works out pretty well for all of us.”

  Diane looked at Alyssa from the corner of her eye. “Except when she’s sick and can’t come in.”

  “Yeah … then I’m kind of in a bind. Luckily, that doesn’t happen often and my boss understands.”

  “Have you considered going back to college?”

  Of course she had, but having Brooke meant putting herself on the back burner.

  “I have, but I also need to put a roof over my daughter’s head so that kind of takes priority right now.”

  “What about your mother? Doesn’t she help?”

  This wasn’t an easy topic for her and she was kind of wishing John had told his mother so she didn’t have to.

  ”She still refuses to speak to me. So, no.”

  Diane spun around, soapy water dripping from her hands. “What do you mean, sweetie? I thought she was passed that.”

  Alyssa shook her head. “She was a teen mom, so I guess I messed everything up for her when she got pregnant? I’m not sure, Diane, and honestly, I never asked. It’s like saying she wishes she never had me, and that’s hard to take.” Alyssa looked over her shoulder at Brooke with a sad smile on her face. “I could never feel that way about my daughter, but I also don’t regret her either so maybe there’s a difference,” she said quietly.

  Diane’s eyes softened, her heart pouring out through them. “I’m so sorry she made you feel that way.”

  She shook it off. “It is what it is.”

  When Diane didn’t respond, Alyssa just shrugged. She suspected Diane had more to say but was holding back. Call it intuition, but she knew something was on the tip of her tongue.

  “You’re a good girl.” Diane dried her hands. “How about you take a break and I’ll do the rest.”

  She just had Alyssa over for dinner. As if she would just sit there while she cleaned up. “Oh, no. I could never sit while you do it all. I don’t mind helping.” Alyssa grabbed a dish and towel dried it before Diane could say no, and then did another.

  Once they were finished, Alyssa checked on Brooke, who was now sleeping peacefully in Olivia’s arms. A full belly and some play time would have her napping for at least an hour or so. Walking back in the kitchen, it was just Diane and Alyssa.

  “Do you need help with anything else?” Alyssa asked.

  “Oh, you’ve been such a dear. I think everything is pretty much cleaned up. All I need to do is stick the pie to heat up in the oven. However, I want to ask you something.” Diane poured two glasses of sweet tea and handed one to Alyssa. “Come sit down.”

  Anxiety rolled through Alyssa’s stomach. There were so many things Diane could bring up to talk to her about. One being how she unintentionally hurt John … the paternity …

  Diane took a sip of her tea then pulled Alyssa’s hands into hers. Her dainty fingers curled around and she squeezed her hands softly. “Now I want you to hear me out and think about what I’m going to say before you say no.”

  “Okay …” Alyssa’s eyes narrowed.

  “How would you feel about allowing me to keep Brooke on the weekends so you could work? Clark and I gave it a lot of thought last night and it’s something I would really like to do for you. I can only offer one weekend a month right now until I see how I can handle a baby all day with MS, but maybe down the line I could take on more for you. We miss having babies around and would love to have Brooke.”

  Alyssa was silent. She didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that her emotions were running in opposite directions. She was moved beyond measure by Diane’s kindness. She didn’t want to cry, but for some reason her generosity moved her deeply. Maybe because her own mother had never shown it to her.

  Taking a deep breath, she said, “As much as I appreciate your offer, I can’t. It won’t work out. By the time I get off and drive here, it would be in the early hours of the morning. Thank you, though.”

  “Figured you’d say that. So how about you bring her to me Thursday night and pick her up on Sunday? That way you guys can come for Sunday dinner, too? I don’t know where you and John are at relationship wise, but that doesn’t matter to us.”

  Alyssa swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

  “Honey, I raised four rowdy boys. What’s one more? A little MS can’t slow me down.” She winked at Alyssa. “Go home and think about it before you decide.”

  “I guess I could always pay you instead of Natalie …”

  “Don’t you dare! I will not take your hard earned money. You save it. Spend it on Brooke if you want, but you are not paying me. Do you understand?”

  Alyssa’s heart was heavy. Diane threw her a curve ball. “Diane … I can’t do—“

  “Yes, you can. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it.”

  “Diane—“

  “Alyssa, I will not argue with you about this. I will not accept your money.”

  “I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. It wouldn’t be right.”

  Diane let go of Alyssa’s hands and sat back. She crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head to the side, her strong, grayish-blue eyes never leaving Alyssa’s. “You’re just as hardheaded as me.” They both sat in silence staring off at each other. Alyssa wasn’t backing down. In what felt like ten minutes was probably only one when Diane said, “Fine. You have a deal.”

  “Really? Just like that?”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. If you feel like you need to pay me, that’s fine. Anyway I can spend time with that little ball of sweetness, I’ll take it.”

  Alyssa smiled so big her cheeks hurt. Once again, The Jackson’s generosity hit Alyssa hard. As much as she would like the help, would she be able to leave her daughter for all those days once a month?

  John mimicked Luke’s pose and crossed his legs in front, resting back in the wicker chair. He just finished telling Luke about what happened with Ben and the custody papers.

  “Wow,” he whistled. “Gotta say, I wasn’t expecting that from you.”

  “She’s been through a lot, I just want her to be happy.”

  Luke nodded his head in agreement. “That’s a cute kid in there. You seem pretty attached.”

  He looked at his brother with an ear to ear grin. “I am. She’s got me wrapped around her sticky finger.”

  “And Alyssa is okay with this?”

  John chuckled. “Depends what time of the day you ask her.”

  Luke looked at him and John answered the question Luke had written on his face without having to ask it. “She thinks I’m going to just up and leave if it gets to be too much and she doesn’t want that for Brooke. I’ve told her a thousand times I’m not going anywhere. I think she’s finally starting to see it.”

  “You’re young, man, twenty-one. You sure you want this kind of responsibility?” Luke asked, brows raised high.

  “There isn’t a doubt in my mind, Luke. She’s everything to me.”

  “And you’re sure? There’s a kid involved. You can’t mess around like that.”

  Wasn’t that the same thing Alyssa had been telling him? Why didn’t anyone believe him when he said he wasn’t playing around?

  “Put yourself in my shoes. What if that was Livy? What would you do?”

  Luke took a swig of his beer. “No question about it. Livy is everything to me, too, always has been. You know this. I lost her once and I won’t lose her again. I refuse. I’d do anything to keep her.”

  “Now you know what I’m talking about. I may not have lost Alyssa the way you did
Livy, but I did lose a little bit of her spirit. She was hurt pretty bad, so I’m doing what I can to bring it back up.”

  “I guess I’d be doing what you’re doing then.” Luke paused before he answered. Easing back on the bench, Luke’s brows angled in puzzlement at his brother.

  “Nope. Not talking about it. I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not my story to tell.”

  Luke raised his hands defensively. “I didn’t ask.”

  “You didn’t have to. It’s written on your face.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “She will be in time.”

  Luke slapped John’s back and squeezed the curve of his neck. “Glad to see you’ve changed. Thought I was going to lose you there.”

  Sadness crept through John’s body. His best friend Jace, his own stupid drunk moments …

  Yeah, he thought for a moment he was losing himself, too.

  “Nah, I’m too stubborn to leave this world early. Plus, seeing what I have,” John shook his head, “I never want to leave. It’s killing me knowing the weekend is over and I have to head back to base tonight. I wish I could stay with my cupcake all the time.”

  Luke reared back. “Cupcake? Dude,” he huffed out a laugh. “I don’t want to know what you call Alyssa behind closed doors.”

  John barked out a laugh. It felt good talking with his older brother. “That’s what I call Brooke, you ass!”

  “Man. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

  John chuckled. “Find the right girl and she can change everything.”

  “Cheers to that.”

  “You’ll take what?” John asked walking into the kitchen. He stopped where Alyssa was sitting and draped an arm over her shoulders.

  “Alyssa here has just agreed to let me watch Brooke one weekend a month.”

  John looked down at Alyssa with contentment showing in his eyes. Alyssa could feel it pouring out of him and when he squeezed her shoulder, her stomach flipped. It was obvious how happy he was over this.

  “I think that’s a great idea. In fact, I was going to suggest that I take her on Saturdays for you,” John said.

  Alyssa tilted her head up to John, her forehead scrunched. “I can’t have you watch her every Saturday. You have your own life. What if you want to make plans or something and you’re tied down to babysit?”

  John’s eyes lowered, darkening. “You are my life. Why don’t you let me decide what I want? What did I tell you?”

  A heavy breath rolled off her lips. He had told her he wasn’t going anywhere countless times. Alyssa glanced back to Diane to gauge her response. The tips of her lips curved slightly and her hidden smile was aimed at her son. Had she not looked into Diane’s eyes and seen the love and humble affection then maybe she wouldn’t have noticed the smile too.

  “I think that’s a great idea, honey. I agree with John.” Diane nodded energetically and Alyssa couldn’t help but laugh. Of course she agreed with her son.

  “Speaking of Brooke, where is my little girl?” John asked.

  Alyssa stood from her chair. “She’s asleep in Olivia’s arms. I offered to take her, but she insisted on holding her.”

  They both walked into the living room. Brooke was sound asleep sprawled out on Olivia with her thumb hanging out of her mouth.

  “Hey now—don’t get any ideas,” Luke said to Olivia as he sat down next to her. “I want you all to myself for a bit before we start popping out little hellions.”

  “But Luke,” Olivia whined. “How cute is she? Look at her chunky thighs. The little rolls,” Olivia picked up her foot and showed Luke, who smiled.

  “I’m sure Alyssa wouldn’t mind letting you babysit when you’re suddenly having baby fever. Until then, you’re all mine.” Luke threw an arm around Olivia’s shoulders and carefully pulled her to him and kissed her cheek. The love between Olivia and Luke was felt all around the room. True love like that happened once in a while.

  “So are you two finally tying the knot then?” John asked. When Olivia looked up, she didn’t answer, only pursed her lips together.

  Diane walked into the room. “What’s going on?”

  Olivia elbowed Luke playfully. “Nothing is going on here. Luke knows I would be his wife in a heartbeat, he just won’t ask me!”

  Luke barked out a laugh. “How can I ask you when you remind me all the time? It has to be a surprise, baby.”

  “Aw, come on Luke. Put a ring on it.” John wiggled his eyebrows.

  “She reminds you?” Clark asked.

  “No I don’t!”

  No one was listening to Olivia. It was quite comical at this point.

  “She leaves magazines flipped open to pictures of rings that she likes. As if I don’t know what she’s doing.”

  Clark tried to keep a straight face. “She does?”

  “And flowers that she likes …” Luke was grinning like a fool. “She has it all planned out. All she’s missing is the groom.”

  With an exaggerated sigh, Olivia said, “I take back everything nice I have ever said about you. I don’t want to marry you now.”

  “Well, that’s good because I never asked.”

  “Luke Jackson!” his mother yelled.

  “I’m just playin’, Ma. Calm down.” Looking at his father, Luke asked, “Dad, tell her to relax, will ya?”

  “Relax, sugar.”

  Olivia pinched Luke’s arm and glared at him. “You take that back, Luke.”

  “Nope.” She pinched him harder and Luke winced with a grin.

  “Well, as much as I’d love to watch you two love birds, we need to hit the road. We have a few hours of driving ahead of us.” John looked at Alyssa. “Can I talk to you before we leave?”

  She nodded. “Can I leave Brooke with you for a few more minutes?” she asked Olivia.

  “I suggest you doing so, Alyssa,” Luke cut in. “Olivia won’t be holding a baby for a long time after today,” he teased.

  “I swear on all that is Holy …”

  John laughed then laced his fingers through Alyssa’s and walked her out to his truck. He dropped the tailgate, jumped to sit, and patted the seat next to him. She lifted herself up then looked at him expectantly.

  “What’s up?”

  “So are you okay with my mom watching Brooke? She only wants to help.”

  Alyssa answered honestly. “At first I was caught off guard. I wasn’t sure what to think about it. I thought it would be too much for her so when she suggested once a month, I agreed. Then I brought up paying her and she had a fit.”

  John knew his mother would never accept money for offering to help.

  “What did she say?”

  “That she would only do it if I didn’t pay her. I could tell she really wanted to be with Brooke, but I can’t not pay her. So I stuck to my guns and I said no. She caved and agreed with me.”

  “You’re kidding?” An amused grin lit up his face.

  “I’m serious. I got my way.”

  “Well, I’m glad you guys worked it out. This is going to make her so happy. Do you have any idea how much she loves babies?”

  Alyssa smiled and shook her head.

  “You just wait.” John leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Alright, honey, we need to get going. I want to spend as much time as I can with you girls, but I have to head back to base. I probably won’t see you until next weekend.”

  The flutter in her belly caused her to swallow hard. “Will you, though? Are you really coming over next weekend again?” For some reason it was hard for her to believe that he was.

  “You’ll see. I’ll be there late Friday night or early Saturday morning. Either way, Sunday you’re mine.”

  “Johnny …” she mumbled under her breath.

  John placed a finger under her chin and tipped it up. Looking deep into her eyes, John asked, “What is it?”

  “I just don’t understand why you’re so nice to me.” Tightness griped her chest. “Why you’re going out of your way when y
ou could spend the weekends with friends. Why your mom is so willing to help me … I don’t understand it all.”

  “There’s nothing to understand.”

  “I don’t deserve your generosity or your mom’s kindness. I almost don’t know what to do with it.”

  “Hey, don’t start that. You deserve it all and more. Now let’s go get our girl and say goodbye.”

  Alyssa never once corrected John when he called Brooke his. She couldn’t bring herself to because deep down it felt right. In some way, regardless of who her biological father was, Brooke had always belonged to John. It was going to be tough on her, but Alyssa was going to give John a chance. She was going to risk everything for him, her heart and all. She just prayed he wouldn’t break it.

  Looking into the mirror, Alyssa hooked an earring in her ear.

  Four months passed since that day at his parents’ house, and everything was going really well between her and John. Almost too well. Alyssa was worried that something would cause strife between them, but nothing had. Once she stopped doubting John, he was everything he said he would be–her strength, her rock, a father to her daughter, and most of all, her other half.

  She loved him so much. Now all she had to do was tell him that she did.

  Alyssa reached out to her mother once more, but she declined any kind of relationship. Lauren told Alyssa that she wasn’t ready and hung up on her. Ready for what, though? Brooke was the light in her life. She never knew how much joy a child could bring until Brooke was born, which made it hard for her to understand her mother’s rejection. The pain was still fresh, but John worked to erase it every chance he got. Maybe one day she would come around.

  John … just thinking about him made her heart soar so high. He was a true gift, one she didn’t know she needed so much in her life. He was her best friend, her confidant and she couldn’t imagine her life without him. While they hadn’t officially become a couple, they were definitely more than friends. They just didn’t have the label. She was so completely caught up in John that it was only a matter of time before she gave him everything he wanted.