Not All Tarts Are Apple

by Pip Granger

  I prayed while we waited. ‘Please, God, don’t let Charlie have recognized our Paulette, if she’s there,’ I said over and over again. I reckon God must’ve heard, because Paulette said later that Charlie looked straight at her and there wasn’t a flicker.

  Theresa of course was another kettle of fish. I started praying all over again. I promised God anything, I can tell you. I swore that if he kept Paulette out of sight while Theresa was in there then I’d help Auntie Maggie more and never ever be naughty again, and lobbed in promises never to swear, pick my nose or listen at doorways while I was at it. (I’m ashamed to say that, as time went on, I forgot all my promises and slipped back into my bad old ways, but luckily God didn’t seem to mind a lot.)

  As Theresa went into Joe Lyon’s, my heart was in my mouth. It seemed years before she came out again but of course it was only minutes. She told Dave that they were there and that they had showed her a great wad of notes in an envelope.

  Just then, Charlie came out too. ‘The boss says make it snappy, Dave. He has things to do. He just wants to talk to the kid, then if he’s satisfied, Theresa’ll bring your dosh out. I’ve got to go and get his Roller. Wish I could say it’s been nice knowing yer, but I don’t reckon it has, so I won’t. TTFN, Theresa, I hope we bump into each other again one day.’ And he was gone.

  Dave muttered something about a prick and gave Theresa a shove. ‘Go on then, you stupid cow. Let’s get this over.’ He looked down at me with those awful, cold eyes of his. ‘And you, just tell the man who your mum is and don’t mess about if you know what’s good for you. Theresa’ll bring you straight out again if you give her any trouble, then you’ll have me to deal with. I ain’t intending to take you with us, so if we’re stuck with you, it’s under a bus and sharpish. Now piss off, the pair of you.’

  Once we got inside the door, Theresa knelt down beside me, gave my hair a little tweak and whispered, ‘He means it, love, so be a good girl and do as he says. He hates your auntie Maggie and uncle Bert, so he’s itching to have a go at you. Don’t give him the satisfaction, love. Just tell the man who your mum is and you’ll be fine. I promise, the first chance I get, I’ll ring Sharky Finn and tell him who’s got you. Come on now.’ She took me by the hand and led me through the tables to the back of the restaurant.

  I kept looking around, hoping to see Paulette and signal to her, but she was nowhere to be seen. I began to worry that she wasn’t at work that day and my heart sank. I was so miserable that it took me a minute to realize that we had stopped at a table at the back, tucked away in the corner. The man sitting at the table had slicked-back dark hair and yellow skin. He had a sharp nose and funny, almost yellow eyes. The colour was just like our Tom’s, and they looked at me the way Tom looked at a mouse when he was batting it back and forth between his paws.

  I shuddered and my heart hit my socks. I looked at the woman next. It was funny, that. Mostly you expect to notice the woman first. I think it’s because they wear more interesting clothes and bright colours and make-up. But this woman was so colourless, she almost wasn’t there. Her skin was the colour of putty; her hair was pale brown, mousy they call it, and wispy. She was very, very thin. Then I noticed her eyes. They were exactly like the Perfumed Lady’s, only tired and lifeless. They reminded me of the eyes of those fish you see at the fishmonger’s, but blue.

  The man spoke first. ‘Who damaged her? How did she get that split lip and the bruises?’ It seemed a strange word to use. Most people would have said ‘hurt’ or ‘who hit her’, not ‘damaged’. He made me sound like a bit of china or a piece of furniture. He didn’t sound like he was talking about a real live person at all. It made my skin crawl.

  The pale woman smiled a faded sort of smile. ‘She looks just like Cassandra at that age, doesn’t she, Godfrey?’ She’d have said more but the man gave her such a withering look she shut up immediately.

  ‘I said, who damaged her?’

  ‘My boyfriend did. He’s not very patient with kids and she was crying. He wanted to shut her up.’

  The man thought about this, then reached out and took my chin in his hand and turned my face first one way and then the other. His face was expressionless, like a yellow, waxy mask, and his hand was very cold. He picked up a thick white envelope that was lying on the table among the remains of their tea. He opened it slowly and removed several big, white, crinkly notes and placed them carefully in the wallet that he took from the inside pocket of his jacket.

  ‘Tell this boyfriend of yours that I pay less for damaged goods. It has cost him a hundred.’

  Theresa began to say that she’d been told to take me straight out again if there was any funny business.

  He raised his hand slightly. ‘Be quiet, woman. I’m sure your man friend will realize that nine hundred is better than nothing at all, and what would he do with the child if you took her back? Kill her? Messy, don’t you think? No profit and a murder charge. Surely neither of you is that stupid? Take the money and go. We are satisfied that she is who you say she is.’ He turned away from her, dismissing her as if she was a servant.

  Theresa hesitated for just a second, then bent down slightly to talk to me. ‘Be good, Rosie. These nice people will take care of you. Remember what I said before.’ She turned and left. We all watched her go without a word.

  The man told me to sit down. It was then that I caught a glimpse of Paulette. I saw her reflection in one of the mirrors that lined the walls. She was hiding behind a pillar until Theresa was safely out of the way, and she was talking to another Nippy, who looked across at us and nodded.

  I kept looking in the mirror as if I was staring blankly at nothing, although I was watching her every move. The man and woman talked quietly to each other. My heart was hammering and I felt faint with relief. She knew I was there and she knew it was wrong. She would save me, I knew it!

  The part of me that wasn’t watching Paulette was listening to the conversation the couple were having.

  ‘But, Godfrey, how will we explain the fact they just took her? Isn’t kidnap illegal?’

  Godfrey heaved a sigh, then explained in the patient tone that people use when they’re being sarky, ‘Yes, Evelyn, kidnap is illegal, but we shall simply explain that we paid the ransom to get her back. We had nothing at all to do with the crime and we can prove that. We shall return her to her home of course. We will merely give them time to reach the desired pitch of anxiety. People will agree to all sorts of things if they are anxious enough.’

  ‘But, Godfrey, how will we explain her bruises? They might not be so willing to agree to anything at all if they see she’s been hurt. Can’t we take her home with us, just until she heals?’

  ‘Don’t be any more of a fool than you can help. Of course we can’t just take her with us right now. But Carstairs is a good man and he assures me that custody will be relatively easy to get. Her mother is a drunken prostitute and these foster parents are unrelated and lower class. The court is bound to view our request favourably. We can offer her considerable advantages: wealth, privilege and a good private education. Her foster parents may even see sense all by themselves and we may not have to resort to the law. Who knows? We shall find out soon enough.’

  Just then, Paulette came over to the table. ‘Hello, Rosie, I thought it was you. What are you doing here? Do Maggie and Bert know where you are, dear?’

  I had opened my mouth to reply when the nasty yellow man shoved his oar in. ‘Waitress, I do not believe that we asked for your assistance, but now that you are here perhaps you will bring our bill.’

  ‘Certainly, sir. I’ll just hear what Rosie has to say, if you don’t mind. We know each other very well, you see. We’re neighbours and I don’t believe I have ever had the pleasure of meeting either of you. You will understand, sir, that I am concerned when I see my young friend battered and bruised and in the company of strangers.’

  I was ever so impressed. Paulette didn’t get flustered and she sounded so posh and in command of herself.
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br />   Godfrey’s eyes flickered like a snake’s, or at least how I imagined a snake’s eyes would flicker. (I’m afraid of snakes. Luckily, I had only seen one once and that was round someone’s neck. Paulette said it was a python.) Then Godfrey smiled for the very first time – if you could call it a smile. His mouth stretched sideways but his smile never reached those awful eyes.

  ‘Your concern is very commendable. My wife is the child’s grandmother and I am her step-grandfather, if there is such a relationship. Now, if you are satisfied, we will have our bill please.’ Another tight smile.

  ‘Certainly, sir, but Rosie still hasn’t had the opportunity to answer me. Rosie, are these your grandparents, step or otherwise, and are you happy to be with them?’

  Once again, I had my gob open to answer when Godfrey barged in. His voice was sharp and had the tone of one who was used to issuing orders and having others leap to do as they were told.

  ‘That is enough, young lady. I have given you all the answers you are going to get. Now, the bill, please, or must I call the manager?’

  Paulette was magnificent. ‘That won’t be necessary, sir. I see the police have arrived at last. Perhaps you would care to explain it all to them.’ She turned to me. ‘Don’t worry, Rosie my love, your auntie Maggie and uncle Bert know you’re safe. The manager telephoned Sharky. They should be here in a second or two.’ She turned back to Ghastly Godfrey. ‘I’m sure that you do not wish to cause a scene, sir, so if you will just accompany me to the manager’s office you can explain everything to the officers. As you may have noticed, some more officers are waiting at the door, should you decide to try to leave in a hurry.’

  I was so relieved by this time that I even managed to look at the people at the tables around us. They were gobsmacked, peepers wide like astonished owls and their mouths forming silent Os. I swear several jaws hit the floor.

  Evelyn’s pasty face was white as she looked towards Godfrey’s yellow one for reassurance. She didn’t get any. His expression was grim but calm. He rose from the table without looking at any of us and waited for Evelyn and me to join him. Once we were assembled to his satisfaction, he barged Paulette aside. ‘Get out of the way, woman,’ he hissed. ‘I take it the office is over there?’ He pointed towards a brown door almost hidden behind a palm at the back of the enormous room.

  Paulette smiled politely. ‘If you will follow me, sir, I’ll show you.’

  We moved off towards the front of the restaurant and some stairs that I hadn’t noticed before that were almost hidden behind a serving station where the clean cutlery, china and glasses were kept. We looked like a small crocodile of kids trailing off to the headmistress’s study for a really serious telling-off. Only Ghastly Godfrey looked confident but I knew that was about to change. My auntie Maggie and uncle Bert would want to kill him, or worse, when they got their mitts on him, I was absolutely sure of that.

  The stairs to the manager’s office were dark and steep and I kept stumbling in my hurry to get there. I was dying to see Auntie Maggie and Uncle Bert.

  Paulette was still in the lead and I hugged her side. There wasn’t a snowflake’s chance in hell that I was going to let her out of my sight until I had my aunt, uncle or preferably both of them within reach.

  At last we got to this brown door and Paulette knocked politely and waited. A voice said, ‘Come in,’ and we went in.

  The room was stiff with people and I looked anxiously from face to face to find the ones I loved. The best I could come up with was one I liked a lot. T.C.’s reassuring figure stepped out of the scrum and I hurled myself at his knees, sobbing frantically. He lifted me up and held me close for what seemed like ages and I could have sworn I felt something warm and wet where my cheek met his.

  Eventually I needed air and squirmed a bit and looked around me. There was a policewoman, four burly great coppers, a cowering Charlie, Paulette, Ghastly Godfrey, Evelyn and Mr Frobisher, Paulette’s boss, besides T.C. and me. Then we heard footsteps on the stairs and a familiar puffing and panting and there, in the doorway, was my beloved auntie Maggie, closely followed by Uncle Bert.

  Looks of pure joy flashed across their faces as they saw me in T.C.’s arms. Then they seemed taken aback, surprised even. I suppose it was my bruising and the split lip. I slid down T.C. and crossed the room and winded poor Auntie Maggie as I hit her at speed. I clung like a limpet, howling with relief. It took a while and a gobstopper from my left lug to calm me down and to dry me off from tears and kisses.

  Eventually, T.C. got down to business. He flashed his warrant card at Ghastly Godfrey and that vapid half-wit Evelyn. ‘I must ask you to accompany me to the station to make your statements concerning the abduction of the child known as Rosa Featherby from her school earlier today. There is also the question of a serious armed assault on a Miss Hampton during that abduction. I should warn you that although you are not under arrest at this stage, what you say may still be used in evidence.’

  With that, he nodded at the four burly coppers and they marched Charlie, Godfrey and Evelyn away. No one went quietly. Charlie wheedled, blaming everyone and their brothers. Evelyn wrung her hands and leaked information along with her tears. ‘I told you kidnap was a crime, Godfrey,’ she whined. And all the while Godfrey hissed at her to be quiet, just like the snake he so reminded me of.

  Only T.C. and the policewoman stayed behind when they left. He looked solemn. ‘I’m sorry, Bert, Maggie. Little Rosie will have to come to the station as well to make a statement. Naturally you can come with her. We’ll try not to keep her long. You must want to get her home. You’ll have to come as well, Paulette, to tell us what you saw and heard. And, by the way, well done for calling us immediately. You’re the heroine of the hour.’

  Paulette went bright red and I began to moan. ‘I don’t wanna go anywhere, I want my dinner, I’m starving!’ I said in a rush.

  For some reason everyone laughed, and that nice Mr Frobisher gave me egg, bacon, a fried slice and chips on the house, followed by a socking great knickerbocker glory.

  With a huge but contented belly, I felt much more like making my statement to T.C. and the policewoman, Mary. She let me wear her hat all the way to the station.

  Oh, the relief of seeing the cafe again! I went straight up to my room, tore off the hated knickers and the awful orange skirt and demanded a bath. It must have been a first, that; me demanding a bath.

  I slept in Auntie Maggie’s and Uncle Bert’s bed that night and for many, many nights after.

  I didn’t go to school for a while either, I was too afraid to let my auntie Maggie and uncle Bert out of my sight and, if the truth was known, I don’t think they wanted me out of theirs either.

  35

  Of course, we hadn’t heard the last of it.

  Great-aunt Dodie appeared the next day saying that Godfrey and Evelyn hadn’t even been kept in prison for the night. There hadn’t been enough evidence to hold them. Nobody could relax with those two on the loose and, sure enough, within a week we received a letter from a solicitor called Carstairs, saying that my mum was ‘a drunkard and a moral degenerate’ and that they, as my grandparents, would be seeking custody.

  There was an emergency meeting in the cafe, but Sharky was confident. ‘Ah, but what they don’t know yet, but will within the hour, is that Charlie boy sang like the chorus at Covent Garden. Word perfect he was too. They’ve caught Dave and Theresa. It seems that the lovely Theresa is somewhat disenchanted with our David and is giving the magnificient T.C. chapter, verse and page numbers even as I sit here gasping for my coffee.’

  I wasn’t allowed to go to court when the case came up months later, but I heard plenty about it afterwards. I was sort of playing by the cafe window but really keeping a lookout for my tribe, so I was there when they burst in, gabbling with triumph.

  ‘Fancy him thinking he was Rosie’s father.’ My heart froze in my chest as Madame Zelda said those words. But she quickly thawed it again. ‘The numbers ain’t right, as he would know if
only he’d asked when her birthday was. The look that wife of his shot him, he should have withered up right there. I reckon there’ll be trouble in paradise on visiting days, I do. That’s if she troubles herself with visiting days. If I was married to that reptile, it’d be ‘‘good riddance to bad rubbish’’ and I’d be away on me toes.’

  ‘No wonder our Cassie took off like that,’ Auntie Maggie cut in. ‘When T.C. got her to tell him what had happened back home he told her she could have charged that stepfather with rape. T.C. met her soon after she hit the Smoke. He found her soliciting near that bomb-site where Cliff’s bookshop used to be; felt sorry for her, he said. But she didn’t want to know about pressing any charges, just wanted to stay away from him, no matter what. Terrible really, when you think about the turn her life took and what she could’ve been.’ Auntie Maggie was crying with relief but mostly with sorrow for my mum.

  I was supposed to be safely tucked up in my bed when the verdict came through and Godfrey, Charlie and Dave all went down. Theresa and Evelyn were let off with a caution on account of being coerced, or something like that. Everyone was celebrating and, of course, I wasn’t tucked up at all. I was in my usual position, earwigging on the stairs.

  Then I heard Paulette’s voice and my heart nearly stopped beating all over again. ‘So, if that slimy git isn’t Rosie’s real dad, then who is?’

  Great-aunt Dodie’s voice rumbled across the ragged chorus of ‘Who can say?’ Actually, she said, she rather thought Cassandra could. They’d talked over the very matter and she was quite certain that Cassandra knew but simply wasn’t telling. Not even to her favourite great-aunt.

  By this time I was practically in the room, tongue hanging out, and I was able to catch a look that Auntie Maggie exchanged with Uncle Bert. It seemed very knowing, but they clamped their gobs shut and said nothing.