by Marilyn S
"Will I see you tomorrow?"
I don't know why it was so hard to say "yes", but it was. I think it may have taken me 2 or 3 minutes. But I was stuck. It was like I couldn't go until I had answered her and if I said "yes" it was like this huge thing. And the longer it took for me to answer the bigger a thing it was. I felt so stupid standing there with my back to her holding that tray not answering her. And the thing is, I could feel myself getting so wet which only made it more embarrassing.
Well, I finally managed to make myself say "yes" just to get out of there, she just said "great, see you tomorrow" like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. Her tone when she asked and the huge pause before I answered made it HUGE. Oh, and that I didn't turn around to look at her and she waited for me to answer. And I am not even sure what it meant. I guess it meant that she can expect me to make her tea and rub her feet every day like I am her servant and that I will just do it. And that she can talk to me like am a bad child and I will let her. And will need to run home to use Kendal when she does. I didn't even care about her stupid television, I needed it so bad. I mean, I pretend I ran up the stairs to get away from her but I know what I was really running for.
The funny thing is, I only just realized now that it never even occurred to me to say I wouldn't see her tomorrow.
Sunday, February 27, 2000
Couldn't sleep all night. I feel like the idea of going back today is killing me, but I know I will go. I wore out Kendal's batteries last night. I think I better go get more before I go back there. Hah, who am I kidding, I am going to go get them as soon as I finish my coffee and writing this. I think I am becoming some kind of sex addict. I just keep thinking about what has happened and it makes me feel so stupid, pathetic I guess, but I get so turned on and Kendal seems to make both of those feel better. Then I just feel guilty but somehow even that feels good. Maybe not so much guilty as dirty. Oh G_d, I am just so screwed up!
I am still wondering how I am going to be able to go down and face her. I don't know why it is so much worse than yesterday, but it is. maybe because it isn't about rubbing her feet, it is about how she talks to me and looks at me and what she thinks. And that every time I go it seems to be a little worse so I am dreading what she will do today.
I think I really have to go get more batteries now. Nympho.
_____
It wasn't so bad today. Basically the same as yesterday. It was still embarrassing acting like her servant, but I guess I am getting used to it. Even when she asked what time I will be coming tomorrow I just told her. Oh, when I was taking the tray back out to the kitchen she said I had forgotten to wash them yesterday. That was probably the most embarrassing thing today and even it wasn't too cause I just went in the kitchen and washed it all. I mean I am already making her tea like her servant so it isn't that big a deal to wash the cup and teapot afterward. And she was still in the living room so she couldn't see me. I did picture her laughing at me because I did it, but she could not see me so it wasn't so bad.
Monday, February 28, 2000
Oh G_d, I went down after work expecting the same as the last couple of times, but Ryan was there! I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to make her tea with him there? She let me stand there for a minute feeling totally embarrassed before she asked him if he wanted tea. "No thanks". "No thanks"?! I knew she must have told him! How could I do those things with him there? It was hard enough with just her! The whole time the kettle was on I was trying to make myself tell them I had to go, but of course I didn't. So I made her tea and took it out to her and she kicked off her shoes. I really did not want to do it but she kept looking at me with this stern look with her eyebrow raised and then looking at her foot and then back at me with me shaking my head trying to tell her I didn't want to, trying to see out of the corner of my eye if Ryan was watching. Finally she just said, "Marilyn, would you mind doing your reflexology on me?" and somehow that made it okay for me to do it. I guess it made it more like a favour then like she could just expect it. So I did it and then washed up and left. Of course with them both watching tv I could hardly come up and use Kendal, so that was frustrating, but I didn't NEED to like I did yesterday. Still, I hope they get cable soon. Of course it only makes it better when I do get to.
Tuesday, February 29, 2000
Ryan was at work today, thank goodness. Trish was wearing a skirt today and while I was doing her feet I got really turned on imagining what she would think if she caught me looking up it. Not that I had any interest in looking up her skirt. I think if I was a lesbian I would want to and I really have no interest. It just made me excited to imagine getting caught doing it. Maybe I will do it someday, just so she can catch me. G_d, you are so weird, Marilyn.
Hey, I wonder if she is a lesbian? I mean, she obviously knows something is going on. It just isn't normal to treat someone you just met the way she treats me. Gross. I sure hope she never wants me to do anything. Yuck! Eeeww. That is just SO disgusting.
When I was washing up she called in that Ryan is off again on Saturday and asked if I wanted to come to dinner. I just know she is going to do something so I said I thought I had something on and would have to check. So now I have to decide what I want to do before I see her again. I feel like a moth with a candle. I just know she is going to hurt me if I go but I want to go anyway. But I don't want to go, too. Especially because Ryan is going to be there. I wish I knew what to expect. Maybe I should see if Deanna wants to get together. Oh, but I want to find out what Trish is going to do. I mean part of me doesn't want to know, but part of me can't wait to find out. I just hope it isn't too bad. And I guess there is always the chance that she won't do anything. I guess I'll go.
March
Wednesday, March 1, 2000
I almost forgot Margaret tonight. I guess I have been leaving work earlier than normal recently like around 6 every night so I can get home at a good time and I...
actually, I guess maybe I was just too eager to go make tea. So I was 10 minutes late and when I was driving there I realized I had not told Trish that I wouldn't be home until later and wondering if she would be upset and if I should go down when I got home or just skip tonight. Which started me thinking that I don't think Trish said "See you tomorrow" last night and I don't even think the night before that. Which means I am just going over cause I want to. I mean, I do want to but it's not like I can pretend she is asking me to. So by the time I got to Margaret's I was all worried about that and just couldn't get into the session so she just did some energy work.
On the drive home I decided that I should just skip going down tonight. She did not say I should and it was after 8:00 and she probably wouldn't feel like tea. It just feels stupid to be knocking on her door a 8:30 to make her tea. If he was working tonight Ryan will be home in an hour and she will be making their dinner.
Thursday, March 2, 2000
Trish was very cross that I didn't go down last night. I told her I had an appointment but she just said I should have gone down afterward. Then she asked me if I didn't think I should apologize. Just like I was a bad child. I know I blushed and got that horrible exciting feeling and I was so busy thinking about my hoo-hoo that I didn't answer so I could be even more embarrassed. Finally she said "Well...?" and I managed to tell her was sorry. I really like it when she makes me feel like a naughty little girl. When I was boiling the water I checked and found that my panties were completely soaked.
She was wearing an even shorter skirt then last time and all I could think about the whole time I was doing her feet was what she would say if she caught me peeking up it. I didn't do it, but it was SO hard not to especially because she didn't even try to keep her legs together. It really is as if she can read my mind sometimes. Like she knew what I was thinking last time and was daring me to today. And it is hard to find somewhere else to look when you know you are not supposed to look someplace. I don't think I looked her in the face the whole time because I would have had move my eyes past "there" to do it so I just con
centrated on her feet.
When I came back upstairs there was a message from Nancy asking if we are still on for dinner tomorrow night. I had completely forgotten. I never forget dates and here I have forgotten two in two days. Anyway, I knew I couldn't just not show up at Trish's tomorrow after last night so I had to go down and tell her I would be out. Only she laughed at me and asked if I was asking her permission to go out which made me blush and get embarrassed which always makes me tongue tied. I told her I was just letting her know but she said "Yes, Marilyn, you may go out tomorrow night" in this totally condescending tone that made me mad. I DON'T need to have her permission to go out for dinner. So I just said good night again and started up stairs until she said "Oh Marilyn?" I know now when she does this that she is going to humiliate me somehow, so that horrible embarrassment came flooding over me in an instant while I stopped and turned back, waiting for it.
"Don't you think you should thank me? For giving you the night off?"
Why does she think I need her permission? How does she know that I won't just tell her to go to Hell? I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly. But my mouth just would not say the words. And after a minute or so of standing there like an idiot I just had to say something so I did it. I said "Thank you". And in that same condescending tone she said "Your welcome, Marilyn. Have a good night, Marilyn" and closed the door. I don't understand what is happening. What does she want? How can she think I need her permission to go out?
Friday, March 3, 2000
Had dinner with Nancy but all she did was complain about work and I kept wishing I had stayed at home and was sitting at Trish's feet with her laughing at me. G_d, I'm pathetic.
Saturday, March 4, 2000
Spent most of the day making an upside-down cake to take tonight. I had to run out to get pineapple and cherries and then when I actually started I didn't have enough flour so I had to go out again. Now I am just waiting to go down. I hate this waiting when you are all ready and there is not time to get into anything. I totally have butterflies wondering what is going to happen. What I want to do is go use Kendal but I better not. Beside, in a way it is better to not be able to. It makes me want to more. I will just save it for after dinner. I wish I knew what to expect tonight. I am so nervous my palms are sweating and I have that ringing in my ears that I get when I am stressed. What if she makes me serve them dinner? I am supposed to go down at 6 so I wonder if I will have to serve tea before dinner. Oh this is crazy. I am just making myself crazy wondering. I think I had better go watch tv.
_____
Oh G_d I knew she was going to do something! As soon as we sat down to dinner Trish asked me if I was seeing any one and then asked me why not. Like what was I supposed to say? That I am totally plain, horribly shy and afraid of being hurt? And they were both sitting there waiting for an answer. I just said I hadn't met anyone. Then she asked me what happened to my last boy friend so I told her about how Kendal had left me for someone else. Then she asked me how long it had been. G_d I didn't want to answer. I just knew they would think it was pathetic. It is pathetic. But I didn't think she would make such a big deal of it! She kept saying "Twelve years?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard and making me feel about two inches tall. "Twelve years? I hope you have gotten laid since then!" she said sort of as a joke. I started to lie but I didn't know if I could be convincing and just that moment of hesitation and she said "You haven't, have you?" Well that was already enough and I was hating myself that I had gone and then she said that it was no wonder I use my vibrator so much! Oh my G_d, I wanted to die right there. I wanted to run away. Or crawl under the table. Anything so I wouldn't have to sit there with them looking at me blush! It was bad enough that she said it, but in front of Ryan! I mean, I had thought about it, but I really didn't think they could hear! And I was stuck there. We had only just started dinner and I sure couldn't eat. I couldn't look at either of them either so I just sat looking at my plate.
And she just kept talking. Making it worse. She said they had figured out that was what made their tv go funny. And that they could hear it at night. Like she should talk about making noise! And then asked if I have a name for it!
Oh G_d, I still can't believe she asked that. I felt like a trapped animal. The room was suddenly about a thousand degrees and my ears were ringing so bad I couldn't hear and I was shaking. I felt like a bad little girl sitting in front of Mommy and Daddy. I looked up at Ryan, I think hoping he would save me, but he was smiling at me his eyes laughing while I squirmed. I wanted to just get up and leave but I thought that would make me look even more stupid. I mean, the fact was they are right, it is pathetic that I have not had a date since second year university and it is pathetic that I have named my vibrator after the only boyfriend I have ever had. But they have no right to laugh about it. Or maybe they do. Maybe anyone would if they knew. About Kendal, I mean. But it doesn't make it very nice. She even joked about borrowing it. Oh yeah, and after she joked about me having a name for it I guess she could tell from my reaction and she said "Holy shit, you DO have a name for it, don't you?" and start laughing at me and said that if she had used a vibrator for 12 years she would probably have a name for it too. It was cruel. She could see perfectly well how uncomfortable I was but she just kept on and on. Even when she started talking about something else she still made fun of me, saying no desert for me until I had finished my dinner. Like I was the least bit hungry. I felt like throwing up. But they had both finished and she acted like she really expected me to finish my spaghetti so I sat eating alone while they watched and she talked. She never stops talking. I really felt like a bad kid. I don't know how I got through the whole thing without crying. I sure am crying now though. I am bawling my eyes out. The page is wet and I can still hear them screwing next door.
Sunday, March 5, 2000
They are driving me crazy! They were making so much noise this morning that I couldn't stand it and went to visit Mom and Dad and now I just got home and lay down for a good cry and they have just started again! I suppose I could go into the living room, but I have a right to be in my own bedroom, darn it!
I think he is going down on her. She talks different when he does that. I wonder what that feels like. She makes it sound awesome, but then she makes everything sound awesome.
Damnit, I am not going to listen. I am just going to write in my journal and to hell with them.
I felt miserable all day. I couldn't get to sleep for a long time last night cause I was too upset. Normally I would have used Kendal to feel better but now she has ruined that for me. About 2:30 I was just so desperate I even tried using my wrist but that only got me more and more frustrated until I was crying while I was doing it.
Okay, you bitch! I think the whole neighbourhood knows that "it feels so fucking good when he licks your c---". Just shut up! Nobody cares! It is SO fake. I mean, nothing could feel THAT good. Could it? I can't even believe he does that for her. It's gross. It's different giving a bj. I mean, that is a little gross, but not like putting your tongue in there. Ewww.
Where was I? I thought about last night all day over and over. She had no right. I can't believe that after what she did to me last night she still had the nerve to stop me on my way in and ask me if I was going to make her tea. I told her I didn't feel like it. She said she was sorry if she had upset me yesterday. Yeah, I'll bet she's sorry. If she is so sorry then why did she do it? "Oh gee, I thought you wanted me to completely humiliate you in front of my husband". I hate her. She has even ruined the wall for me because I hate her so much. He is fucking her now and all it is making me is angry. She keeps telling him how good it feels to have his huge cock inside her, over and over and over. I think she knows I am listening and is trying to make me jealous. If that's what she wanted I guess it worked, cause I am jealous. I am jealous and angry and I feel like a total loser.
Damn it. I can't. I don't want to get excited but I can't help it. I just found myself playing with myself for the second ti
me. You are so stupid. Just leave. But I can't. She wants me to. I can hear it. But I won't. I certainly am not going
Oh, I think he is coming. Yeah, that was it. It sure stops quick after he comes. Great, now I am wide awake and can't use Kendal. I guess that is stupid since they don't care what I can hear but it just seems more embarrassing that I am doing it alone. Like she is a winner because she has him to fuck her and I am a loser because I have to do it myself.
Yeah, well if the shoe fits, Marilyn.
Oh I don't know. It was just too much. And I don't like it in front of Ryan. I like it when it is just the two of us. It's like it’s not real if no one else sees it or something. But one things for sure, I don't think I want to go down there anymore. I don't even know how I can face them. I think I may have to move.
Monday, March 6, 2000
I was awake until 2:00 last night. I tried with my finger but that is just so gross. I used my wrist for a while which makes me feel like when I was little, but it just made it worse so I finally ended up going in the living room and using Kendal under my duvet so I think they couldn't hear. G_d, I feel so stupid hiding it like this but it's better then having them know every time I do it.