by Marilyn S
Felt depressed all day again today.
Maybe I will go to a movie later.
I am still really upset about the other night. The thing is everything they were saying is true, I just don't like people knowing about it or saying it. I know I am a loser with a boring life, but I don't need strangers laughing about it. I don't want to think about it. But it is like they have made me look at how pathetic my life is. When I got home tonight I had a total meltdown because I wanted to use Kendal like I always used to. G_d I so looked forward to that all day when I am stressed. It's the only way I can enjoy my evening is to have that quick release and just let all the stress go. It was just part of my routine and I hate when I can't do my routine. I ended up doing it in the living room under the duvet anyway but instead of relaxing me it just made me mad cause I have to hide.
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She just came up and asked if I would come down for tea. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. She said again that she was really sorry she had upset me and that she promised she would be nice and that Ryan would not be home until 9:30 so it would just be the two of us and she really missed our "little tea parties" and she just kept asking until I said 'yes' and went down with her wondering who was going to make it. She asked me if I "would mind" while she went to check on Alyssa. Nice of her to ask, but I still ended up making the tea. I even put two cups on the tray, but by the time the tea was ready I decided to put one back and went out to be her servant. I like being her servant. I know I felt happy while I was rubbing her feet that we hadn't lost that. I even snuck a few little peaks up her skirt. hee hee. I couldn't see much but it gets her back for being so mean.
Went to see American Beauty just because it has so many Oscar nominations. Everybody has been raving about it but I just thought it was okay. It seemed kind of pointless. Maybe I was just not in the mood.
Now it's 11:45, I am not at all tired and I need to get to sleep and I can't use Kendal in my own bed because the neighbours might hear and make fun of me. Grrrr. I guess it's out to the stupid living room.
Tuesday, March 7, 2000
If she had any idea of the stupid things I do she would laugh so hard. I must have stood in the hall way for five minutes and started to come back up stairs I don't know how many times. She never said "See you tomorrow" yesterday, so was I supposed to go down? I knew I was, and I even wanted to, but it is so hard when she hasn't told me to. It is a lot easier to do what I am told then to just go. Anyway, when I finally made myself knock she was very nice so maybe she learned that I won't put up with her being really mean like on Saturday.
When I was rubbing her feet she asked me why I like doing it and I didn't know what to tell her. I don't know why I like it, I just do. I couldn't very well tell her that it makes me feel pathetic and that that turns me on. I just said I didn't know. Then she asked me if I was a "lezbo". I told her "no" and I really don't think I am. I was actually thinking about that a couple of days ago, I guess after I thought he was going down on her, and the more I thought about it the more I thought that if I was lesbian I would want to do that, and I certainly don't. I mean, I think about it sometimes when I am using Kendal and need something gross to think about, but always about being forced to do it. I don't ever WANT to. I think it is because I find it so gross that the idea of being forced to turns me on.
Well I certainly wasn't gong to tell her THAT so I just told her I wasn't and that I thought it was really gross. She said that was good because she wouldn't want a lezbo touching her. I am glad I am not.
Anyway, then she asked if I just "get off" on doing nice things for her. Well that is basically it, so I shrugged and said "yes". And she leaned forward and patted me on the head and said "Good girl"! Like a child or a dog! It was like this electric shiver went through me. It made me very aware of the way I kneel at her feet and I felt embarrassed the way she treats me, but I also felt REALLY happy that I had pleased her. I mean REALLY happy. It seems silly how happy such a little thing made me, but it did. I also got that tight excited feeling in my stomach that I get when I am getting turned on from being made fun of.
Then, instead of taking her hand away, she grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me toward her so I was off balance, tipping my head back so I had to look up at her! Oh my G_d! I got so turned on/excited/embarrassed I think I was shaking. There was something so perfect about it that I wanted to cry. It was a totally frightening wonderful feeling that she could have asked anything of me right then and I would have done it. After a few moments of looking down at me, smirking, she said, "Well, I guess I will just have to find more nice things for you to do for me. Won't I?" She seemed to want me to answer but there was no way I could talk. I was so excited I could barely breathe, so I just nodded. Then she put me back down and patted my head again and told me I was a good girl again and I started crying. I don't know why. It certainly wasn't because I was sad. I guess just emotional release. That just made her pet my head more which felt so good that I just cried more. It felt so good to be bawling like a little girl while she patted me like one, but after a while I just had to get out of there so I told her I had to go and sort of ran out.
She asked me to babysit for her Friday night. Oh well, I didn't have plans anyway.
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
Trish wants me to stop going to Margaret. She likes her tea earlier. And the thing is, I am starting to think I am wasting my time and money anyway. We spent the whole time talking about stupid stuff and she has no idea that last night I was crying from happiness because my landlady had me on my knees pulling my hair. But I have been going to Margaret for so long it would be weird to not have her to talk to. Plus how would I tell her?
She was playing with Alyssa while I was doing her feet and her skirt got all bunched up so I could totally see her panties and her thighs were spread a little. I don't know why I want to look, but I do. I think it is just because I know I shouldn't. Especially after last night. I tipped my head so she could not see my eyes and just stared at it. It makes me totally grossed out but I kept looking. It made me feel so perverted and dirty. Why does that turn me on so much. Part of it is cause I kept picturing how disgusted she would be with me if she knew.
Thursday, March 9, 2000
Ryan answered and I didn't want to make tea with him there so I didn't know what to do. So I just told him I thought he would be working and did not want to intrude and to tell Trish I had come down. I wish he worked regular
Some one is coming upstairs. I think it's her.
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Oh G_d, I have to be more careful. She came up to see if I would make tea for her up here and the first thing she says is "what are you doing" like it is any of her business. I told her "writing" and she just walked into my apartment asking if I would make her tea and when she saw my book she asked what I was writing. I should have told her it was none of her damned business but I just said "my journal" and I think I almost ran to grab it so she couldn't read it. I think I would have just died if she had read any of this. I am going to have to make sure I put it away from now on. I hope it did not look too obvious the way I grabbed it and went and put it in my bedroom. I think it may have looked like I had something to hide. Which I do, but I don't want her to know that. Then while I was putting it away she laughed and said "it can't be a very exciting journal" OH! How dare she! I was just so mad I wanted to scream. So much for her being nice to me. I guess she can only manage to be nice for 3 days! I almost said something when I came back but I just wanted to get off the topic of my journal so I didn't dare. But I was still mad so I just made her her damned tea and made her ask me to rub her feet and I didn't do a very good job, either.
Friday, March 10, 2000
I didn't make tea today. She went out for dinner with a friend.
Trish wants me to spend the whole day down there tomorrow, "helping her with some things." I am nervous about what that means.
Rented The Cider House Rules and loved it!
Saturday,
March 11, 2000
Oh my G-d! I just masturbated on the phone with Trish! How am I going to face her? I think she was mad when she found out what I was doing so I know she will say something tomorrow. Oh G_d, what was I thinking? I wasn't thinking! That's the problem.
I went down at 11:30 like she told me to and Ryan was just leaving. As soon as he was gone she said "make me some coffee" like I was her slave. I get mad when she treats me like that, but then I go do what she tells me and start feeling pathetic because I let her treat me that way and then I start wanting her to treat me worse. Well today she did. I brought her her coffee and she asked me to tidy the living room. At first I just stood there. Like I wasn't able to move. Then she said that she thought I enjoyed doing nice things for her and didn't I think it would be a nice thing to tidy up her living room so she would not have to. It still took a bit of coaxing but eventually I just did it. I started picking up all Alyssa's toys, blushing and wanting to cry, while she drank her coffee and read a magazine. Then Alyssa started crying and she asked me to go check on her. I got sort of mad at that. Cleaning her living room was humiliating but changing Alyssa's diaper just seemed like I was doing her work because she was too lazy. But I did it and then brought her out to be with Trish, and went and brought the coffee out to refill her cup and then finished cleaning. Then I watched Alyssa while Trish went and took a shower. Then she told me to put a load of laundry on. I think that is when I realized I would be doing housework all day. I did her laundry and vacuumed and made her lunch and washed the floors and cleaned the bathroom. I spent the whole time mad that she was making me do all this and hating/loving that I was doing it. I think the worst was when I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. She came and leaned in the doorway watching me and when I looked up she was smiling and shaking her head like she just could not believe I was doing it. Why not, I couldn't believe it either,. But it made me feel even more ridiculous than I already did. She asked if I enjoyed doing it and I told her 'no', but then she asked me then why was I doing it? Did I just like doing nice things for her? That was what she said the other day. I barely got any sleep last night worrying about what she meant by 'nice things'. I mean, she said she was glad I was not a lesbian but I still kept thinking she might mean something a lot different than cleaning her house. I was really glad that all she wanted was cleaning, but I was also really mad that she was treating me like her maid. I was mad at her and mad at myself for doing it and hating myself for not just leaving, I don't know how many times I almost left but didn't but the whole time I was also thinking about Kendal and couldn't wait to get home to use him. I don't think it is really even sexual excitement. Having her treat me like that just makes me feel so bad about myself that I am dying to go and make myself feel better. After I was finished everything else I had to make her tea and rub her feet. Like she has had such a rough day! When she finished her tea she thanked me for all my help and said I could leave as soon as I had washed up the tea things.
As soon I got in I grabbed Kendal. I had been wanting it so much all day. But as soon as I started the phone rang and it was Trish saying "Well that didn't take long, did it." At first I thought she just meant all my cleaning, but she was laughing and then said she timed me and it was 38 seconds from the time I left to when she heard my vibrator. All of a sudden my heart was pounding and I had that same feeling that I wanted to run away, only there was no where to run because I was already home. She said that it was not as loud as usual and asked if I was hiding in the living room so she wouldn't hear. When I didn't answer she asked again, and then again very firmly saying my name the way she does when I am not doing what she wants. Like she is very disappointed and cross. Sort of threatening. So I told her 'yes' and that just turned me on so much. It felt so dirty to be on the phone sitting with my skirt up and my legs spread admitting that I had been masturbating, and that just turned me on more. I wanted to get off the phone so I could turn Kendal back on but it was so humiliating having her on the phone that I didn't want to hang up either. So I just used my wrist over my skirt. She said that cleaning her house must really turn me on and then asked if it did and then kept asking it until I told her it did. I think I was using Kendal without power by then, I wanted it so badly. At some point I was so turned on I even started using him inside. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. She kept talking at me asking things like did I get turned on cleaning her bathroom floor and did I feel silly hiding in my living room to masturbate and each time she would keep asking until I said 'yes' and I kept pushing Kendal in harder so it was really hurting but feeling so good, too. Then in this really disgusted voice she said "Are you masturbating right now while I am talking to you?! Are you?" Well that just made me do it even harder and feel absolutely horrible, but she kept asking until finally I said 'yes' and she said that was absolutely disgusting and that I should be ashamed of myself and I think that is when the phone slipped and fell on the floor. But I just kept going. It felt so good to hurt myself with Kendal. Like it made everything else go away or okay or something. When I finally stopped I was so ashamed I just hung up. I have no idea if I made any noise or not but just the idea that she was listening to me and thought it was disgusting made it so strong. When I am like that, I don’t care how disgusting or stupid I am, it just feels so good and so right.
After I hung up I used Kendal to come. The phone rang again but I wouldn't answer it, but just knowing she was calling, that she knew I was doing it again turned me on so much that I came right away. But now I keep picturing trying to look her in the eye and having her laughing at me and I don't know how I am going to do it. But thinking about it and writing all this is turning me on again.
Sunday, March 12, 2000
Spent all day doing the things I was supposed to do yesterday like groceries and laundry.
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Trish just came up to ask me to babysit for her on Wednesday. I told her I have an appointment every Wednesday, but she kept asking so I told her I would think about it. She said she would do something special for me if I did, but she didn't say what so I am not really sure I would want it. I wonder what it is.
Monday, March 13, 2000
She's kidnapped Kendal! Trish called the second I got in and told me she wanted me to bring my vibrator to tea.! G_d, I thought I was sick! I almost didn't do it, but I did. (after cleaning him THOROUGHLY!) I think this is the first time I walked IN to her place embarrassed. And then as soon as I did she asked his name! She already knew about Kendal and it is just so pathetic that I named my vibrator after him that I couldn't tell her. I just stood there shaking wishing I named him Brad or Johnny or something. But when she stepped really close and pulled my hair so I had to look up at her, I told her. There is something about when she pulls my hair that I would do, well not anything but a whole lot more than I want to. Well she really laughed when I told her and she told me it was really sad. She told me to put him on the table and make her tea. After that it was just like usual until I was ready to leave. I just as I was about to pick him up she told me, "No Marilyn, Kendal is going to stay here tonight." At first I thought she must be joking but I knew from her tone she wasn't. She said it is my punishment for "jerking off" on the phone. So now I am in my apartment and she has my vibrator! G_d, I hope she doesn't show it to Ryan. Or USE it! Eeeww!
The weird thing is that I kind of like the idea that she is punishing me. I mean, I would rather he was here than down there but it does make me feel like a naughty girl. Like I have been sent to bed without my dessert. The only problem is that that turns me on and I don't have Kendal.
Tuesday, March 14, 2000
When I went over to make tea there was a woman there. I almost left as soon as I saw her, but Trish said it was alright. Then she asked if I would mind making them some tea. She has not asked that nicely in weeks. But it still meant I had to bring in the tea tray and pour it for them like the maid. They just kept talking like I wasn't there, but then Trish started pushing at her shoe wit
h her other foot like she was going to take it off and I saw she was looking at me. I panicked. There was just no WAY I was going to do that with her friend there and I shook my head to tell her so. Luckily she just laughed and asked Shona if she wanted more tea.
After they were done and I cleaned the dishes, Trish said "That will be all for tonight, Marilyn", like I was her servant! Why can't she understand that I don't mind if it is just between us but nobody else. I am going to tell her tomorrow.
She gave me a shoebox when I was leaving and Kendal was inside.
Oh, I decided to skip Margaret this week. It is just this once and I have been thinking that it is kind of pointless recently. Besides, Wayne's goodbye dinner is on Thursday and it will be easier to tell her I will be busy if I am doing her a favour Wednesday.
Wednesday, March 15, 2000
Well "something special" meant that she "let" me wash her underwear! By hand! This is getting really weird. No, it has been really weird for weeks but that was REALLY weird. I mean, I felt totally ridiculous doing it, like it was totally perverted. I mean it wasn't. I was just washing her clothes, but somehow it felt perverted because she acted like it was. Like this would be "something special" to me. I spent the whole time wondering what she would think I was thinking while I was doing it. Would she think that washing her underwear would be a big turn on for me? I mean it DID turn me on, but not because it was her underwear, or at least not much, but because she would think it was that and that I was a total pervert. Oh no, she must have caught me peaking up her skirt and thinks I...