by Marilyn S
“You’re a fucking loser, aren’t you?” “yes”. “Tell me”. “I’m a fucking loser” “again” “I’m a fucking loser” and then we were both saying it over and over together until I was crying and she came. I was so close to coming but I just couldn't do it. And then I heard him come and I knew I had to stop.
She laughed at me some more and told me I was a good loser and put a blanket over me and took the blindfold off. I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up to tiny, sighs. Hers. Definitely something I would not have heard in my bed. Something landed on my leg and she told me to put on my blindfold. Then I had to crawl around to the side of the bed and she grabbed a hand full of hair and brought my head up until it was on the edge of the bed and held it there while he went down on her. At first she petted me but when she got excited she just grabbed a hand full of hair and pulled it and pulled it, harder and harder until I was almost crying and she came. I could hear all the slurping sounds.
When they were finished she took off the blindfold and told me to make them coffee.
Wow, what an amazing day!
_____
I am still thinking about yesterday. It is really starting to freak me out that I let them blindfold me and keep me in their room while they were having sex. I mean, it was totally hot and I feel like I should be totally humiliated that I masturbated and they watched, but I am not. But I am freaked that – I don’t know, I think it just got that much more real. I guess that is stupid since we all knew what was happening when I was listening to them through the wall, but being in the same room makes a huge difference to me. Actually, so does her making me – okay, letting me – suck her breast. Those are HUGE changes. Listening to them before or rubbing in their bathroom was in a different room. I don’t know why that makes such a big difference to me, but it does. It's like before it was all a big, silly game but yesterday it became ...
real? No, it became sex. The sucking her boob felt like actual sexual contact and last night they brought me into their private room and we had sex. Maybe not like if we had all been in the bed doing things together, but we were still all doing sexy things with each other in the same room. It feels like this has suddenly turned into some weird ménage a trois thing. I mean, they did not actually have sex with me last night but they watched me and talked to me the whole time they were and I feel like if they had wanted to we would have. If they wanted to they would have just done it and I would have just let them.
Maybe that is what is freaking me out: that they decided to make those big changes and I was not consulted. I just did whatever they wanted. So what else could they decide? That’s it. I have this totally out of control feeling that no matter what they wanted me to do I would just do it, even if I didn’t want to.
May
Monday, May 01, 2000
I have been thinking a lot about that out of control feeling. The thing is, I think I really like it; it just really scares me. I am just not sure I trust her enough. I think I trust her a lot more than I used to. That is probably mostly because I am just getting used to having her control me, but I really feel as if, even though we are doing worse things now, that she is...
I guess now it feels as if she makes things hard for me because she understands me, where before it felt like she was just being mean.
I listened to them through the wall last night and it seemed so distant. I guess it's because I know now how much I can’t hear through the wall. And because I liked it better when they could see me. It feels like when we are in different rooms that they might forget that I am there and being pathetic for them. When she talked to me and pulled my hair I really knew that I was part of what they were doing.
Tuesday, May 02, 2000
Yesterday after tea she did not ask if I wanted to use the bathroom the way she usually does. Today she said I had to choose between Kendal in the bathroom or looking up her skirt. I really wanted to use Kendal, but I chose the skirt because I think she wanted me to. I only like looking up her skirt because I know I shouldn’t and because I think it makes me look stupid and like a lesbian, but it makes me look even worse if I choose that. I wish she was not going to read this because it is not as much fun if she knows I am doing things on purpose, but I promised I would try to just write what I am thinking and when I thought about not writing this it felt like I was lying to her.
_____
She had a migraine all day. I rubbed all mom’s headache places and she said it really helped. I’m glad I know how to help her a little.
Wednesday, May 03, 2000
Mom had her surgery and they think everything went okay, but it may take a while for her to see well. I was allowed to go over to cook them dinner.
I think I need to stop masturbating so much. Without Kendal I can’t come and it just seems to ache all the time. I can’t even remember when the last time I came was. A week ago Saturday? If she is only going to let me come once every week or two, I think I should just stop making myself excited. It only makes it worse. I know that if I don’t do it for a while then I am not as interested and the more I do it the more I want it.
Greg ask me to the movies again next week. Some two part French thing on Tuesday and Wednesday. I told him I’d love to but was not sure I could get the nights free. He asked “free from what” and I didn’t know what to say so I just said “I’ve been really busy lately”.
She said she’d “have to think about it”.
It feels so kinky that I have to ask permission to go to the movies. And I guess hot too. I would really like to go, but I know she might not let me go both nights and I am preparing myself so I won’t be mad if she doesn’t.
Thursday, May 04, 2000
I have a masturbation calendar hanging on my living room wall that I have to use now. It was Ryan’s and it is from some tool company and all the pictures are these totally stacked girls in skimpy clothes holding power tools. Guess I can’t have my mom over any more. Or maybe she would let me take it down. No, probably not.
Anyway, I am supposed make a mark on it every time I rub my pussy. And then I am supposed to put a big “O” on days when I am allowed to orgasm. It is to help me remember how long it has been since I was permitted to come and help her know if I am rubbing myself enough. She says she likes it that my pussy aches from frustration all the time so when I said I should do it less so I don’t miss it as much she decided that instead I should do it MORE so it is even worse. This sort of thing confuses me cause I am not sure whether to be frustrated because she is deliberately making it harder for me, making me ache worse, or should be happy because she is making it worse. G_d I am such a freak.
Actually, she doesn’t call it my “pussy”. She insists on using the “C” word even though I have told her how much I have always hated that word. I cringe every time she says it.
I made a grocery list for what I am going to cook for them this weekend and she is going to buy the groceries tomorrow. I am going to make mom’s Beef Mexicana so they will have some leftovers for Tuesday.
Oh, I am permitted to go to both movies. Thank you Mrs Barnabas.
Friday, May 05, 2000
Saturday, May 06, 2000
Sunday, May 07, 2000
It is getting difficult to find the time to write this journal cause I am over at her house so much.
Friday night Ryan was out with his friends so we just watched a movie. She was in her chair and I was on the floor rubbing her feet, but then she said I could kiss them if I wanted as if I had been secretly hoping she would let me. It had never even occurred to me, but the longer I thought about it the more I wanted to until I thanked her and raised it to my lips. But she pulled it away and put it on the rug, grabbed me by the hair, and pushed my face down until I was kneeling with my face at her feet. I did not feel the least bit bad, just kind of a mix of grateful and understood and cared for. I kissed her feet to show her how I felt and when she started pulling me away by my hair a little I struggled to keep kissing. I liked that part. I l
iked that you made me work for it, made me hurt myself a little to debase myself for you.
We went to bed before Mr Barnabas got home and she blindfolded me and made me use Kendal while she watched. I am so glad she let me just use it inside my pajamas instead of being naked. I could never have relaxed enough if I had to let her see that. I am very grateful that you seem to understand that, Mrs. Barnabas. Anyway, I think I look a lot more stupid with both hands stuck down my pajama pants.
Anyway, I was supposed to use Kendal right up to the point where I was about to have an orgasm, and then stop at the last moment. I did it, but it is really hard to make yourself stop when you are so close. And then I was so turned on – not only because I got so turned on, but didn’t come, but because it felt so retarded and beautiful that she made me do that and then sleep on the floor at the foot of her bed like her dog. I feel like her dog, sometimes.
I like feeling like her dog.
Saturday morning they had sex while I used Kendal, but I had to keep stopping or I would have come. It was aching so bad that it throbbed all day. It didn’t help that she made me do the housework in my panties and her bra.
Maybe that distracted me, but when I was serving her lunch I spilled her Diet Coke a little. Just a little splash on the table, but she told me I was “a clumsy c---” and made me lie over her knee and she spanked me. I was very upset that I had made her mad and it really hurt, I was very surprised to find that I was wet as I didn't think I had been turned on. The usual twitching feeling I get when I am turned on and know I’m getting wet didn't happen. I was wet though, no doubt about that so it's hard to explain how that works. I don't know whether it was the spanking itself, the fact that I was almost naked over a woman's knee, or that I was being punished like a bad little girl. It was quite confusing in my head and it hurt so much. But it was over soon and I love love LOVE that she spanked me like a little girl and made me cry.
I was not permitted to touch myself last night or this morning when they had sex, but had to kneel upright, blindfolded, with Kendal in my mouth. My jaw got really sore.
While they were fucking, she told him about spanking me. He said that was really hot and he wants to watch, so she says I had better be careful.
Actually, I think I would like him to see me spanked.
Monday, May 08, 2000
I know I said it before, but thank you for letting me go on my dates this week. I don’t know why, but I feel like you could be jealous of me dating Greg and I am so glad you don’t seem to be.
I got to kiss her feet again today after I had massaged them. It felt like a reward. But today I wanted to make it even better so I used my tongue a little, too. I hope that was okay. I feel like I should feel degraded doing that, but I don’t. I felt very close to her. Very “right”. And I felt “small”. I am not even sure what I mean by that, but that is the word that seems right and for some reason feeling “small” feels good.
I was allowed to have an orgasm in the bathroom, but somehow after all the wait, it was a let-down. It is just so totally intense when she is talking to me and turning me on by saying horrible things to me. It just felt lonely and clinical without her or them watching.
Or maybe I like being sexually frustrated better than being satisfied. Freak.
Tuesday, May 09, 2000
The movie was good. I thought the main actor was kind of overacting, but like Greg said, the movie is really not about the guy trying to raise rabbits, but about Provence in the 20’s or whenever it was.
Greg tried to kiss me goodnight and I pulled away and didn’t let him. I am not even sure why. But he looked hurt and now I feel horrible. And we are going out again tomorrow so I have to figure out what to say to him.
I guess I am afraid to get involved with him. Not because of him, I really like him and could see really caring for him. It is because of Mrs Barnabas. How can I get involved with anyone when my landlady tells me to “come straight home after the movie”. I just know that sooner or later – probably sooner – I will have to explain some weird behaviour to him. And it doesn’t help that I work with him. The last thing I need is for someone at work to know what a freak I am. A lesbian freak, at that.
I feel like I have to choose between Mrs Barnabas and Greg. And while everything about it seems totally crazy and I know I should be going with the nice guy who likes French movies, I know that right now I would be crazy if I DID stop this thing with Mrs Barnabas.
It is totally sick, but I am just SOOO happy.
Wednesday, May 10, 2000
This movie was so beautiful. I liked it way better than the first one. I want a goat!
Over dinner I explained to Greg that I was sorry if I was giving mixed signals, that I really like him and enjoy spending time with him, but that I am totally neurotic and an emotional mess and that I just do not feel like I can be more than friends with anyone right now, and that I don’t even know if he had any interest in being more than friends, but that just in case he did I would rather risk looking like an idiot than have him get the wrong impression. Which was true, but even as I was saying it I wondered if my tolerance for looking like an idiot has not been raised recently.
Anyway, he said he really liked me and understood and then we had a really nice dinner.
I just hope I made the right choice. I feel like a couple of months from now I may be alone again and for the rest of my life I'll think back to the one guy who actually asked me out and I put him off because of this crazy thing with Mrs Barnabas. But I know that if that happens I will just have to remember that right now, at this moment, I can’t be with them both and I could not possibly stop this thing with her. It feels like the best thing that ever happened to me.
Funny how some of it is so horrible and yet when I think about it I only feel that it is perfect.
Thursday, May 11, 2000
When I was in the kitchen eating my supper after serving them theirs, Mrs Barnabas came in and said she had been thinking about Greg and thought that I was probably right about not being able to have both of them in my life. She said she does not like to think she is stopping me from having a boyfriend, but that if I could not be honest with him about her (yeah, as if) then it would not really work out. She asked me if I was sure I could not tell him, but I really can’t. I really could not bear to have someone at work know I am total freak. A lesbian freak, too. No, I have thought about it a lot in the last couple of days and this is best. I just hope she appreciates what a huge huge huge thing I am giving up for her. I have been wishing for a boyfriend for 12 years and now I would rather serve her and Mr Barnabas dinner and clean their house and have her make fun of me and make me ache. It’s scary to think I might never have sex again. That this could be it. That I am giving up my last chance to ever have a man want me. I guess I won’t be sure if this is right until I am old.
Friday, May 12, 2000
Yay, it’s the weekend! Hopefully I will get to sleep over at least one night.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Mr Barnabas watching me get spanked. I think it will be really embarrassing, but I can’t wait until it happens. I promise to try to not do anything wrong even though I want the spanking. I know it is supposed to be a punishment and I really don’t want to make her mad.
Saturday, May 13, 2000
Sunday, May 14, 2000
Friday night I slept over and before bed she made me use Kendal on the living room floor while they sat on the couch and watched. It felt very different than last weekend cause I really felt on display. I really did not think I would be able to get close, but I think the blindfold really helps and I feel so stupid with my hands down my pants knowing that they are just sitting there watching me that I got turned on really easily. It was like a little seizure when I had to stop because my body was screaming for me to keep going.
She made me do it again later in the bedroom while they were having sex so they fell asleep right after, but I was so wide awake and horny and my stomach hurt so much that it was hou
rs lying on the floor thinking. I don’t think she knows how bad it hurts. She made me sacrifice another orgasm in the morning, one at lunch, one after tea, and then again at bed time and again this morning. I feel like someone has kicked me in the hoo-hoo and my whole bladder area hurts, too, and I feel little bit nauseous. I know she is not making me do it because she likes watching because twice she sent me to the bathroom to do it so she is only doing it so I will suffer more.
Please, Mrs Barnabas, it really hurts a lot.
Monday, May 15, 2000
She asked me to think about whether sacrificing orgasms for her all weekend caused me more pain than I was willing to take for her.
No. No Mrs Barnabas, it is not more than I am willing to take. It hurts so, so much, but if you want me to hurt like this for you, I will.
I have a new masturbation chair. They wrapped the old brown recliner down in the basement near the computer desk in a big sheet of heavy clear plastic held on with duck tape. Mrs Barnabas got tired of having me in the bathroom for so long so now she can send me down here, instead. It feels very nasty being sent to the basement to masturbate like...
I don’t know what it feels like. Maybe like it is something so icky that it should not be done in the house. It is very embarrassing having a special chair and having Mr Barnabas know what it is for, but the best is the plastic. I feel so dirty having to have thick plastic so I don’t make a mess on the furniture. I am supposed to pull my pants and panties down or my skirt up when I sit on it. I guess I could take them right off, but I worry that I might hear one of them coming down stairs. And besides, it feels retarded to be sitting there with my pants around my ankles. The plastic is uncomfortable to sit in – it's slippy and pokey – but that just reminds me how dirty I am. The girly magazines are in a box beside it.