by Marilyn S
Oh, and my masturbation calendar is back hanging over Mr Barnabas’ computer desk where he used to have it, so he can have his busty girls back but now he will be able to see how many times I do it every day and how long I am going without orgasms.
(It’s been since last Monday)
It is so weird that that is kind of sexy, but does not just make me die of embarrassment the way it would have. Hey, if he can see me sacrifice and orgasm with my vibrator in my pants, what’s a stupid calendar?
Tuesday, May 16, 2000
She says she is happy that I am willing to make myself hurt for her and told me that the more I ache the happier I will make her so I must do my best. I will. I will make it as bad as I can for you.
She spanked me in front of Mr Barnabas tonight for no reason. I had to pull my pants down which was embarrassing, but she left my panties on and put me over her knee. It hurt a lot and went on longer than last time and made me cry, but I liked having him see it. See how stupid I am that I let her do that.
Then after, as my reward she let me kiss her feet and even suck her toes. It felt so pathetic and so good and I felt proud that he was watching. Isn’t that funny that that would make me feel pride? I wonder why.
Wednesday, May 17, 2000
Had a sore bottom today and every time I thought about it I felt very smug.
Thursday, May 18, 2000
Very happy. My pussy aches. I sacrificed an orgasm for her before I went to bed last night and again just now. I have started going to bed a little earlier cause I know it is going to take a while to fall asleep, but it's a little easier than at first. I like it because it is a treat because I am allowed to masturbate, but it is mean, too, cause I know I am going to hurt for her. At first it was hard to let myself get turned on enough to almost come when I knew I would have to stop, but I am getting better at it.
I asked to sleep over tonight and she said yes. This is the first time on a weeknight. I don’t know why it makes that much difference. I am basically only going to my apartment to sleep, but I just like sleeping on the floor with my little wool blanket while she is in her big comfy princess bed.
Friday, May 19, 2000
I love sucking toes! It is so hot. Tonight she held me by my hair so I could not quite reach them. Then if I begged her to spank me she would hit me really hard and then I had earned the right to suck her toes for a few seconds. Then I had to ask for another spank. The spanks got harder and harder so it was more and more difficult to ask for them, but it all made me want her toes so bad that I made myself beg. It made me feel Soo low. They thought this was very funny and laughed so hard and she told me how pathetic I am which just made me want to try even harder to show her that she has no idea how truly pathetic I am.
Then I was blindfolded and was permitted to make myself come for them. Now I am sitting in my chair while they are upstairs having sex, but she said she would call for me when they are done so I can sleep on the floor.
I love you, Mrs Barnabas.
Saturday, May 20, 2000
Her brother came over in the afternoon when I was doing the house work. Luckily I was down doing laundry when he got there and when I asked she let me put on one of Mr Barnabas’ big T-shirts over my underwear.
I think I am happier not knowing how she explained to him why her tenant was doing all her housework in her underwear. It was quite enough to have to do all my work with that shirt barely covering my butt, knowing he was watching my every move. It was also a little sexy. I am not the kind of girl guys usually look at that way and he sure was looking.
It was a little uncomfortable serving her tea and the three of them dinner, but not as bad as I thought it would. But then at dinner they were talking about me like I wasn’t there and Kevin asked if I am a lezzie and I could feel myself turning all shades of red. “She must be cause she gets off on the pics in my old Penthouses” said Mr Barnabas. “Are you?” asked Mrs Barnabas? I said I wasn’t and Kevin asked me why I liked the magazines then and I ended up explaining to this complete stranger that I liked comparing myself to those women to make myself feel bad. Thinking about it now, I can’t believe I managed to get it out. Then she made me go and get the Penthouses and show them all my favourite picture which made me want to die. They’re right. How can I say I am just comparing myself when that is the picture I always think about?
They have all gone out to a movie now and I am at home with the baby. Just like all those Saturday nights I got stuck babysitting Nelson, but somehow I don’t resent this.
Sunday, May 21, 2000
Had a total Marilyn meltdown freak out this morning and told her she had no right to humiliate me like that in front of a complete stranger and for not coming home right after the movie cause ol’ Marilyn won’t mind another few hours while we go drinking. None of it made any sense and I know I was just being hormonal. She told me to leave the house until I was in a better mood so I went to Deanna’s for coffee, but it is useless because I can’t actually tell her anything about my life or what is bothering me so I just tell her “Yeah, I’m great” and listen to her whine about Russell.
I think I better not go down again tonight. I am still pretty emotional.
Monday, May 22, 2000
Got up early and brought them coffee in bed before the baby was up and apologized for yesterday.
She said I need to be punished and that spanking obviously doesn’t work because I like that, so after breakfast she made me stand in the corner for what seemed like forever. I didn’t like it. And not in a good way. It just made me feel like I was bad. Afterward, she asked me if I was sorry, and I promised her I was. But I suddenly had the feeling that I really wanted a spanking so I asked her and she did. I think she went easy because it really did not hurt very much, but I started crying and couldn’t stop. Must have been the hormones, but it felt so good to bawl like that. Then she let me nurse and rocked my head in her arms while I sucked milk from her nipple and everything was all better.
Mrs Barnabas, I know I told you already, but I am so SO sorry that I said those things. I really didn’t mean any of them and I am so grateful for everything you do for me, even the mean things.
We worked in the garden together all afternoon which was really nice and then I babysat while they went out to watch the fireworks.
Tuesday, May 23, 2000
I must be going to get my period in a day or two cause I was SOO horny. I told her how bad I need to come and literally begged her to let me, but I could see she was enjoying how desperate I was so I wasn’t surprised when she just laughed at me and said no, but if I begged her she might let me suck her toes. That was so hard because all I really wanted was to use my vibrator, but I made myself do it and by the time she let me suck them I really meant the begging. I was just so horny that anything was better than nothing and I was so grateful – and hormonal – that I cried while I was doing it.
Wednesday, May 24, 2000
Bad cramps. I knew it. She said I could come but I was feeling nauseous. She made dinner for us and let me lie on the couch. But she says she doesn’t like my mood swings so she wants me to try going on Depravera. She says it may help my cramps, too.
Thursday, May 25, 2000
Kevin came to return a drill but after he left they said he must like me because they have only seen him once since Christmas and now he’s been here twice in a week and he has had the drill since last summer. I think what he really came for was to bring two really dirty magazines for me, to “see if I am really a lesbo”. The pictures are men and women having sex and they show Everything. Right in front of him Mrs Barnabas told me to take them down to my masturbation chair. I know I blushed bright red as I was leaving the room and just to be mean, she stopped me and made me turn around so she could remind me to leave the basement door open. She already told me that so I know she just wanted to humiliate me even more in front of Kevin. She has told me they won’t come down and that she just wants to hear Kendal, but it still makes me very nervous.
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I was hoping Kevin would leave before I had finished, but as soon as I turned Kendal off, right after my orgasm when I always feel the worst about myself, I could hear her telling this guy who barely knows me how long it as been since I have had sex or a date. I wanted to just hide down there until he left but she yelled to ask if I was done and told me to come up. I really did not want to but I know if I don’t she will make it worse so I just did and looked at the carpet until he left. They tried getting me to tell them whether I liked his magazines but I just couldn’t. I just wanted to go crawl away somewhere and have a cry but I couldn’t so I just stood there hating myself.
After he left she said I could sleep over if I wanted to, but I really just needed to be alone.
Forgot to mention, I had lunch with Greg yesterday. It was really nice, but I also kept thinking that I made the right choice. He IS really nice. And Mrs Barnabas isn’t always nice. But she understands parts of me that nice Greg would never understand.
I had a hair appointment on Saturday but she told me to cancel it. That feels like a bigger deal to me than I think it should. I’m okay with it, it just feels weird that she is telling me when I can get my hair cut.
Friday, May 26, 2000
They are out for dinner but I am not allowed to use my chair. But I went and got the magazines. I hope that is okay as long as I don’t touch myself.
A lot of these pictures really turn me on, so maybe I am bi. I like the ones where it looks like the men treating the girls like sex objects. I could orgasm quite easily fantasizing about that, but would I really like the real experience? Maybe I would find I hated every minute of it but the fantasy is still amazing. Or I could find I love every minute of it. Of course, those girls are the sort guys WANT to treat like sex objects. I will probably never know what that feels like.
Loser.
Haha. I just found my fave picture and it is a girl on her knees with the guy’s hard-on deep in her mouth and he has his hand on the back of her head pushing it deeper. Guess I just like that with men or women.
I am trying hard not to break the rules, so I put the magazines back downstairs and have been lying on the couch fantasizing without touching myself. Is that okay?
Saturday, May 27, 2000
When Kevin came the other night, I ran down to the basement and put on another T-shirt so he wouldn’t see me in my panties and her bra.
Last night after they got home she told me I needed to work on my body shyness. She put the blind fold on me and told me to take my pajamas off. For a long time I just stood there trying to make myself. She only said it once and then they didn’t say anything which made it harder than if she had gotten bossy. My hands were totally shaking as I tried to make them do it, but I just kept thinking how ugly and unsexy my body is compared to hers. How boring. I bet it took me five minutes to unbutton my top. You have to know that I really was trying that whole time and was crying in my blindfold. It was so hard knowing you were sitting on the couch fully clothed and looking at the ugly body of the stupid girl who does whatever you tell her, but not being able to read your faces to know what you were thinking, if you were laughing, if you were grossed out. And after I finally pulled my pants down to my ankles it was so hard not to cover myself with my hands. I really had to fight to not.
She told him that I get off on how ugly my body is and made me admit to him that it would turn me on if he told me so he did. The thing is, it really did hurt to hear them say all those things, but in some weird way that I do not understand, I really love hearing them, too. The best was things like I look like a boy, when am I going to graduate from a training bra, and no wonder I haven’t been able to get laid in twelve years. They make me want to cry, but I kept thinking “Thank you, Thank you” for saying them, for...
for helping me live out my sick, perverted fantasies.
Please tell Mr Barnabas that I know he was not feeling completely sure about that – I could hear it in his voice – but that I really did love it all so much and feel so grateful to you both for understanding me and doing that for me and hope he enjoyed degrading me like that even a fraction as much as I did.
I was pretty upset after and when she asked me if I was okay I asked if she could hurt me so she put clothes pins on my nipples and made me kneel by the bed the whole time they were having sex and then twisted them when she was coming which made him come.
It's crazy, but it somehow feels, I don’t know, “right”? “fair”? that I get pain so they can get pleasure. It also really seems to help me after I get really humiliated.
Sunday, May 28, 2000
Went to visit my mom and dad. The whole time I was so aware of my pussy really aching from sacrificing orgasms and my nipples are still sore from last night. They would be so upset if they knew what was happening to me, and yet I had to force myself to relax and have a good visit because all I wanted to do was come home as soon as possible in case she needs me for anything or wants to be mean to me.
I am in love.
I was allowed to use my chair and orgasm, but not look at magazines. I fantasized about being gang-raped by Kevin and a bunch of his friends.
Monday, May 29, 2000
I served them dinner with no clothes on. It was hard, but not too. She said that she really meant the stuff she said the other night about my pubic hair and that I have to shave it all off. I don’t think I am going to like that.
Tuesday, May 30, 2000
While I was massaging her feet, she called Kevin and told him “my maid is having erotic fantasies about you” and invited him over for dinner on Saturday. I think this may be a really bad one. I am really nervous.
I shaved myself last night. I look like a little girl. Well, except for the huge lip hanging out. It looks so big and obscene compared to the ones the girls in the magazines have and without the hair, it is all out there. I wish I could have kept it for a little while. I mean, Saturday WAS the first time in 12 years that anyone saw me naked, do I HAVE to show Mr Barnabas that, too?
Also, it took forever. I hope I don’t have to do it too often. I already am finding I just don’t have enough time to do all the cooking and house work and serve them and write this journal. I am doing a lot of my writing in my car on my lunch, but…
I guess I just have to do my best and hope she does not ask more than I can do.
Wednesday, May 31, 2000
I cut myself shaving it today. It really stings. It is so awkward and I am not very good doing it backwards in the mirror.
She said wants it as smooth as Alyssa’s so I have to do it every day which really takes a long time so maybe I was rushing. I guess it is faster than the first time, but I wish I didn’t have to do it. It seems like a waste of time and I don’t like having to mess around with it so much.
June
Thursday, June 01, 2000
Some days I don’t know what I am supposed to write about here.
Yesterday the biggest news was my big shaving accident, but today I was more careful.
She told me I am supposed to just write like I used to before I knew she was reading it, but it feels different now. I feel like I have to write something interesting and some days nothing really interesting happens. Usually those days I just write a sentence or two so I can say I did, but I always feel like she wants more.
But there is no more. Tonight I made her tea and rubbed her feet and she let me kiss them and patted my head. Then I made dinner, lemon chicken with rice and salad, served it to them when Mr Barnabas came home, ate my dinner while they watched tv, did the dishes, and then I came downstairs to sacrifice an orgasm. And now it is almost time for bed and she will probably blindfold me while they have sex and then I will have trouble falling asleep.
That is all very strange and notable except that it has become normal everyday and seems boring to write it over and over. Please, don’t think I think it is boring. I don’t. I am not complaining. I really like – no, I LOVE doing – all that. But am I supposed to write about i
t when it is the same as the night before and the night before that?
And if I felt anything different I would write that because she has told me that that is REALLY what she wants to know – everything I am feeling so she can make appropriate decisions for me – but some days like today I am not really feeling anything different. I still feel a little degraded by being treated like her maid, but also very content. A little embarrassed when I think about it, but mostly I just do it and feel like it is...
I guess like it is my proper place.
I looked at Kevin’s magazines when I was sacrificing. It was difficult to stop but I did and it felt good to be giving up my pleasure for her and I felt grateful. Oh, and news flash: my pussy aches from not coming for weeks.
Maybe I should go back and read some of my journal from last year to see what I used to write about before she came cause I know I always had stuff to talk about.