by Marilyn S
My G_d, it was all so stupid and boring! I can’t believe all the stupid stuff I used to worry about and how none of it seems to matter any more. Work stuff does not bother me at all any more. It is just this weird place I go everyday where I pretend I am normal until 5:30 when I can come back to my real life and the real me. I still talk to my friends on the phone and email, but not nearly as much as when I had nothing to do at night. And I never go out with them any more. They all keep asking if everything is okay and I keep telling them that it is, but they must be hurt that I am always busy when they want to get together.
Hmm. I guess I did have something to say today. But if tomorrow is like today what will I write about?
Friday, June 02, 2000
When I was sent downstairs for my before bed sacrifice she told me I could come, but the last couple of times when I do it alone in the basement after waiting all week it feels so empty. Lonely. A letdown. It is not as good when she is not there to watch me, to laugh at me. So I thought maybe it would be better if I sacrificed my orgasm for her anyway. I just felt that I would rather suffer for her instead of coming alone. So instead of fantasizing or looking at the magazines, I found I was just looking across at my calendar, looking at all the orgasms I have given up for her and how few times she actually lets me come and thinking how cruel she is and how pathetic I am that I am grateful for her cruelty and that it might be another week or more before she gives me permission again, but that all just got me so turned on that when the moment came to stop I couldn’t do it and I kept going. I’m sorry. I know you said I could but I wanted to give it to you and I couldn’t stop myself. I feel very weak and like I failed.
Saturday, June 03, 2000
This morning she told me to get ready to go out. Then she drove me to her salon so her guy could cut my hair. They stood behind me talking about what to do with my hair while I just sat in the chair quietly feeling terribly embarrassed. I felt like a little kid who doesn’t get a say in how she looks. Except that I felt like everyone in the salon was wondering why someone else was deciding for me.
Anyway, I now have very light highlights and my hair is layered and I totally HATE it. I look like someone else. I look like I am trying to be a sexy 21 year old pop star. It is so totally NOT me. I am going to be so embarrassed to go to work on Monday. Maybe I could wear a burka and say I converted to Islam.
After, we went to a sexy store and they had a French maid’s costume on hold for her because it was a special order. As soon as we got home she had me try it on. I look so stupid in it. It is fitted at the waist but the bust is her size – DD – with a built-in underwire so the cups just stick out in front not even touching my boobs and the neck is scooped so I am basically naked. Worse than naked cause I look so retard in it. The skirt was supposed to be a mini with crinoline underneath but she ordered it without the crinoline and she made me hem it so short that it barely covers my ass. I feel so naked in it. It makes my skin crawl to look at myself in it, but in a way I like it. Or I like that I hate it. Or something.
I just hope she understands that it is fun for doing housework but not to try to make me wear it in front of people. I really couldn’t. I may get turned on fantasizing about it, but not for real. I am pretty sure she knows what I can take and not to ask that.
It cost $350 and she made me pay for it.
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Mrs Barnabas told me her mother was from Denmark and they call days when there is no real news “cucumber days” because that is what they talk about on the news. So she says if I sit for a full 5 minutes trying to think of something to write about but can’t, I can just say it is a cucumber day
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They have gone to a party tonight. I’m bored. What I would like to do is sacrifice as many orgasms as I can for her. I am horny and I would like to do it until it really ached badly the way it was a few weeks ago. It has not been so bad lately because I am only sacrificing once a day. It is all I normally have time for. And here is a time when I could go all night but I am not sure if I am allowed to. Last time I wasn’t but she didn’t say this time.
I am going to call her and ask.
She said I can.
Sunday, June 04, 2000
They didn’t get home until 2:30 and I tried to keep myself as close to the edge as I could the whole time. I couldn’t really. But I did my best. And I have that same “kicked in the hoo-hoo” ache that I had before. I really like hurting for you like this. Well, I don’t LIKE it, but somehow I like not liking it for you and I like that it is a constant reminder no matter what I am doing.
I looked at my magazines a lot. I also fantasized about having to wear my maid’s costume in front of a bunch of men and they were all looking at me the way Kevin did the other night so I made them into him and a bunch of his friends. Then they gang raped me.
I got to wear my new uniform all day while I was doing the housework. It makes me feel so indecent, especially any time I have to bend at all. If there was anyone here they would be able to see all of my boobs or all of my butt. She said a number of times how ridiculous I look in it and how much she loves it. I guess I like it too. It is fun to be actually dressed as a maid and it is kind of sexy to be forced to constantly be on display like that.
The hard part came when Mr Barnabas came home. It felt totally different having a man see me like that. I was constantly aware of how I moved so I would not be flashing my butt or pussy at him. It is bad enough having him keep looking down my top and not be able to cover up.
Monday, June 05, 2000
I was soo tired at work today. I don’t sleep very well on the floor and she always makes me sacrifice just before bed so I am all turned on. I don’t know if it is such a good idea for me to sleep over on school nights. My back has been hurting to from too many nights on the floor I think.
Last night at bedtime, they were having sex and I was kneeling beside the bed and she slapped my face. It was not very hard, but it really affected me. I am having a hard time saying what I felt. Shock. Excitement. Fear. Degraded. Outrage. I wanted to cry. I wanted her to do it harder.
I lay awake a long time touching my cheek and thinking whether this is good for me. I mean, when I list the things she does to me I sound like I am being abused, but I don’t FEEL abused at all. For one thing, ever since I knew she is reading this journal I feel as if she is doing things she thinks I want. Even if she does something I don’t want, I know that I have basically given her permission which is very different than a woman whose husband is mistreating her against her wishes. Oh, I don’t know. I didn’t really come up with any conclusions. Only that it may look like abuse but as long as I keep feeling like I enjoy it it is not abuse. I wouldn’t say that having her slapping my face over and over was all positive, but somehow even the negative is positive. Which I think means that I am certifiably insane so am I really able to make a clear judgment about whether this is good for me? Oh well. Too bad if I am crazy, cause I am not going to stop now.
Not sure what people at work thought about my hair. Most people said they liked it, but that doesn’t mean anything. I think Pam didn’t like it. Greg said he really liked it which probably means he does since guys say more what they mean, but who says he knows anything about hair.
Oh, when I was sacrificing an orgasm for her I almost had an accident and came. I don’t think I did, but I might have had a really little one. I promise I will be more careful.
Tuesday, June 06, 2000
She is letting some friend of hers borrow my apartment! I wasn’t really even asked. The friend got caught cheating on her husband and needs a place until she finds a place for July 1st. She says it is not really such a big deal because I barely go over there except to shower and dress, but that is easy for her to say. Right now I feel I am here by choice and I am afraid that with Gwen there I will feel like a prisoner. I know it is only for three weeks which is why I didn’t argue more, but still, I don’t like that she makes these huge decisions about my life without ask
ing me first. I mean, it is MY apartment. I pay her $935 every month for it so it is not hers to give away.
Wednesday, June 07, 2000
When I got home, my living room was already full of Gwen’s suitcases and she was downstairs visiting. So first I made them tea, then I cooked them all dinner, and then I served them, and then I went up and moved all my clothes out of the closet and drawers and all my bathroom stuff. Mr Barnabas brought home a wardrobe and wire shelf thingy which he set up in the basement. It does not seem fair that she gets to use my closet and chest of drawers and my stuff is all in the basement.
And the whole night Gwen never stopped talking about her stupid boyfriend and her stupid husband. Like anybody cares. If her boyfriend is so great why doesn’t she go live with him?
Not happy.
Thursday, June 08, 2000
I want to say it is a Cucumber Day, but I guess I am actually still a little steamed about my apartment. Even if I am not spending time there, my stuff is and I hate the idea of someone being in MY space. She better not break anything.
I don’t know if it's deliberate, but I swear they were quieter having sex last night than they usually are.
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Oops, I forgot. On Tuesday when I was doing her feet she called up Kevin and told him that “her maid has been having erotic fantasies about him and does he want to come for dinner Saturday night.” Maybe that says how much having Gwen in my place is bothering me; that I forgot to mention about that. I don’t know what she has in mind, but after that phone call, I am already going to be quite embarrassed enough to have to face him. She better not think I am going to wear my maid uniform because there is absolutely no way I could. Worried.
She gave me a folded up duvet to sleep on and a pillow to put between my knees and I slept much better last night. Thank you, Mrs Barnabas.
Friday, June 09, 2000
Great, so Gwen’s stupid boyfriend is away at some car thing this weekend so she spent the whole night down here. I hope she doesn’t plan on spending the whole weekend here.
I don’t like her.
Saturday, June 10, 2000
This is the worst day ever. Mrs Barnabas wanted me to wear my maid’s uniform, but I was afraid Gwen the bitch would come down and see me. I finally put it on, but I made sure I kept my housecoat nearby just in case. Then just before lunch she knocked on the door and I ran over and put my housecoat on over my uniform. Mrs Barnabas told me to take it off but I wouldn’t. She got really mad but I just wouldn’t do it so she told me to get out of her sight and took me downstairs and made me stand in the corner behind the furnace. I don’t know how long I was there, but it was a long time.
At first I didn’t care. I was angry. I didn’t like that you were mad at me, but I felt like I would have stood there all weekend before I would be dressed like that in front of that bitch.
But then it was like a something switched in my brain and suddenly I wasn’t angry at all and just so sorry I had upset you. It was like a huge wave of shame and sadness crashed over me. I am so sorry that I had disappointed you. I suddenly missed you so much and felt shameful that I had made you angry with me. I really felt so alone because I could not see your expression and get some hint of your mood. I don’t ever want to disappoint you again, Mrs Barnabas, because now that I know how much I hate “alone time” I don’t ever want to be there again.
When she finally came to get me she said she is still not ready to see me so I have to stay in the basement but I can sit in my chair write in my journal what is bothering me.
I don’t like being the maid when Gwen is here. Partly I just feel like part of the woodwork because you ignore me, but mostly I think she really thinks I am stupid. I mean, I know you think I am stupid too, but somehow she is different. I think maybe you and Mr Barnabas and Kevin all seem to think I am stupid for being like this but like me anyway. Or at least don’t hate me. But with Gwen I feel like she really thinks I am a bad person. The way she looks at me makes me feel lower than dirt. I don’t like her. And it is REALLY hard doing any of the embarrassing things I do for you when she is around. Just serving tea feels icky and makes me want to cry. It is hard to explain cause other times things feel bad but I sort of like them too, but this just feels bad. I find myself wishing I was anywhere else.
Wasn’t it just a week or so ago I was at my parents and wanting to get back here as soon as I could? But last night while they were eating I found myself wondering if I could stay at my parents until the end of the month. I’m not going to, but it's interesting that I thought about it.
I am really, really sorry that I made you mad, but I just couldn’t do it. I thought I had made it clear a few days ago that wearing that dress in front of other people is a REALLY big deal for me and I am not ready. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. And especially not in front of someone who
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She just came down and asked for my journal and sat on the edge of the desk reading it. She said that I HAD made it clear that wearing my uniform in front of strangers was difficult for me, but that what I did today was completely unacceptable. She said it is my job to express how I feel, but once I do that it is not up to me to decide what I will and won’t do and she doesn’t ever want to hear me refuse to do what she tells me. I can express that I don’t want to or why I think something would be a bad idea, but never say “No, I won’t”. She also said that it was my fault because I had not written here how strongly I feel about Gwen and how she makes me feel. That’s hardly fair since I don’t think I had really processed how I felt about her until this all blew up today.
Part of me really wonders who she thinks she is telling me I am not allowed to say "no" to her. I mean, I know this is sort of how we have been working, but it is not like I ever said she could just take over my life and I would do anything she says. Margaret used to always tell me I had to set limits with people and she seems to have decided on her own that there are no limits. That anything goes. Well I am not sure anything does go. I mean, what if she wanted to do something that was harmful? I’m not going to jump off a bridge just because she tells me to.
Yes, but Marilyn, she didn’t tell you to jump of a bridge. She just told you to wear a really embarrassing dress in front of a bitch who doesn’t like you.
Hmm. I am trying to figure out what would have happened if I had done what she wanted. I guess I would have just hated myself a little more. Or maybe a LOT more. But is that harmful? I don’t know. It feels like it might be. Like it would be deliberately undoing any good that all those years seeing Margaret did me. Did it do me any good? Maybe this whole thing is really bad for me. It sure is not helping me learn to set limits. And what about my self-esteem? I don’t even know what that means any more. I am thinking about times when I feel good about this - like massaging her feet, or serving them dinner, or curled up on my mat on the bedroom floor too horny to sleep – and self-esteem doesn’t seem to even make sense at those times. I think those times if you asked me if I felt like more or less of a loser than before all this stuff started I would say…
Wow, that’s so hard. It's like everything makes me...
I know, I think everything in my head says I am more of a loser now but everything in my heart says I am less. Yeah, that feels right. Yes, and when Gwen is there she makes both head and heart feel like a loser and that’s why I don’t like her.
She just came down to tell me I can go back upstairs and do my housework when I am ready, but not until I have decided whether I can live with her rule about never saying “no”. I feel really put on the spot, like I have to make this huge decision – huge commitment, really – right now. She never said what happens if I don’t agree. I suppose she might end the whole thing. But I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I don’t feel like she would end it though. But I know it would change it. It would make it less instead of more. Maybe she would start losing interest.
Oh, don’t be stupid, Marilyn. You KNOW what you want to do and it's not like I am going
to be a prisoner. If she ever tells me to jump off a bridge, I will just have to say “no, I won’t”. I guess maybe if my job is to never say “no” then her job is to never put me in a position that I have to.
I am happy. I am more than a little afraid of what I might be agreeing to, but I feel good about this. I want more of this, not less. And if this is what she wants then I want to give it to her. Please, just don’t harm me. I feel like I am leaping off a cliff and trusting you to catch me, so please please please catch me.
Guess I better go do my housework. Gwen left so I guess I will go up in my uniform, but I don’t know what I will do if she comes back.
I guess I will do what I am told. (ooo, big shiver)
Sunday, June 11, 2000
It feels so strange to not have a home to go to on Sunday. I mean, it's not as if in the past few weeks I have actually had a Sunday at home the way I used to, but it just feels weird not to be able to.
During tea yesterday Mrs Barnabas said she would permit me to choose what I would wear for dinner. She told me Gwen and Kevin would be there and understood how difficult it would be for me to wear my maid’s uniform, so if I really wanted to I could wear something else. But that she really loves to see me in my uniform, even more now that she knows how much I hate it, and it would make her very, VERY happy if I did that for her.
I told her I would wear it, but even as I was saying it I was wondering how I would be able to not go running to hide. Somehow though, after that whole thing during the day, wearing it did not seem like it would be quite as bad as at seemed earlier. I felt so bad about making such a scene and making her mad that just doing what she wanted seemed more important. I felt that I could just wear it, feel totally embarrassed, but could endure that for her. I WANTed to endure that for her. To show her that I really meant my promise.