If the Light Escapes: A Braving the Light Novel

by Brenda Marie Smith

  “Oh man! Mexican mashed potatoes!” I rub my skinny belly, and we laugh.

  I run to the bathroom and wash up super-fast, because rabbit and mashed potatoes. I want to hurry and put them in my mouth. My stomach’s growling like a thunderstorm.

  When I come back, Mom and Mazie are setting the table with cloth napkins. Phil’s pouring glasses of water even. This is some kind of special feast.

  I escort Alma to the old laundry room and close us inside. Alma thinks I’m gonna kiss her, and I do. But I don’t kiss her for long like usual. I whisper to her.

  “I know you wanted to wait to decide about telling people, but I’m thinking that everyone’s all happy right now, and Jack’s here. We’ve got a feast to eat, and Mazie’s excited about her rabbits. Do you want to tell them tonight, while everyone’s happy?”

  “Wow,” Alma says, her eyes all big. “We could tell them, couldn’t we?”

  “We could. Only if you want to, though.”

  “I think I do.” She throws her arms around my neck, and I lift her up to kiss her better and longer.

  “Supper’s ready, you two lovebirds!” Uncle Eddie half-hollers. Everyone’s laughing in the dining room.

  I set Alma down. “Just a sec!” I call out. “Quit laughing!” They laugh louder, and I’m grinning. Alma’s giggling.

  “Are you ready for this, Alma?” I whisper. “Are you nervous?”

  “A little. But I’m mostly excited.”

  “That’s exactly how I feel.”

  “Come on, you guys!” Mazie shouts.

  “We’re coming already.”

  At the table, Eddie’s slicing rabbit into servings and passing them around. The only empty chairs are on each side of Milo.

  “Milo, move over, will ya? I need to sit by Alma.”

  “Why? Didn’t you already kiss her enough?” Milo grins all goofy and scoots over. I grab his head, acting like I’m gonna give him a noogie, but I barely scuff his scalp with my knuckles, more like I scuff his mop of dirty-blond hair.

  “I’ll never get enough kisses from Alma.”

  “Aww,” Mom says.

  Milo says “Gross!” but he’s laughing.

  “Someone needs another noogie.”

  I can’t get over it. Everyone’s laughing, and we didn’t even tell them the news yet. This might be more excitement than I can take.

  We pass around the food and fill our plates—except Mazie’s plate’s not that full without rabbit meat. I can’t believe how much food we have, either.

  Jack bows his head and closes his eyes, so I bow mine, too. “Thank you, Lord, for this feast and for the blessings of a loving family.”

  “Amen,” I say, and so do the other grown-ups. Mazie and Milo don’t seem to know they’re supposed to say that.

  We dig in, and the food is so great. My mouth and stomach are in Heaven, and the rest of me is there, too. Alma next to me—what could be better? Then I get sad for a second, thinking how Nana’s not here to enjoy this with us, but I sort of feel like she is here—up in Heaven, or on another plane, or however it works. I feel her. I do. Nana wants us to be happy, and this feast, it’s like a tribute to her and also from her.

  We all get second helpings of potatoes. I give Alma the last scraps of meat.

  Everyone’s finishing their food. Milo picks up his plate and licks it all over. No one tells him not to, so Mazie does it, too.

  “You guys,” I say, glancing around at my family, then locking on to Alma’s eyes and pulling her snug up against me. She nods at me real subtle-like, which I take to mean she’s ready. “Alma and I have something to tell you.”

  Mom gasps, like she suddenly knows. Uncle Eddie’s eyes get huge, and Jack grins all big. They know. All the grown-ups do, except maybe Phil.

  “What is it?” Mazie asks.

  “Yeah, what?” says Milo.

  “Alma, my beautiful wife, do you want to tell them, or should I?”

  Alma’s face is bursting with happiness—the prettiest woman in the world.

  “We’re gonna have a baby!” she says.

  Oh, man, I might faint from this excitement.

  I’ve never fainted before, but this has got to be what it feels like right before you go under. But I can’t faint. I need to look after Alma to be sure she doesn’t faint, or, if she does, so I can catch her.

  I mean, the astounded looks on everyone’s faces—I can’t remember when I’ve seen so many faces look this alive. Alma’s laughing and wiping tears on her sleeves, smiling the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her.

  Milo starts jumping around, and Mazie joins in. Uncle Eddie shouts, “Woohoo!” He hugs Jack and then kisses Phil. Mom gulps and turns her back to us. She’s shaking all over, and she runs over to hug us. She wipes my face with my napkin. That’s when I notice that I’m crying like crazy, too.

  Jack hugs us so tight we almost knock our skulls together. “Congratulations! You kids make me proud.”

  “I wish we could find out if it’s a girl or a boy,” Mom says. She’s trying to sound happy, but I see the worry in her eyes.

  “My mother,” Alma says, “she could tell by the way women carry their babies, all compact up inside them or poking out a lot. I don’t remember which way meant girl and which meant boy. I’m not even sure if my mom was right.”

  Mom strokes Alma’s shoulder. “I’ve heard women say that, but I don’t know which way means what, either. Or, like you said, if it works.”

  Uncle Eddie hugs us so hard he’s about to crush us with his muscles. We somehow live through it, and then Phil hugs us, too, but more like a regular hug.

  Mazie climbs into Alma’s lap. “There’s a baby in your belly now?”

  “There is,” Alma says.

  “Right up here under my butt?”

  Alma giggles. Milo startles us, guffawing in his deep, crackly voice. All of us laugh but try not to be too crazy about it. But Mazie’s laughing, too. She’s so happy she doesn’t seem to care if we’re laughing at her, like she’s the family comedian and is in on the joke.

  Alma kisses Mazie’s cheek and sets her on the ground. Mazie scampers off, twirling around the room. My tears finally stop. I’m just happy now. I can’t stop smiling, don’t even want to. Though I am a little worried about Mom.

  Mom stoops down, clutching Alma’s hand and then mine with a killer-tight grip. “I’m gonna be a grandma.” She squeals a little when she says “grandma.” “I’m going to take care of you, Alma, and keep you healthy. It will be so great to have a new baby in our home.”

  Jack says, “I’ll take care of both of you.”

  Then Eddie says, “You know I will.”

  Mazie says, “So will I. I love babies!”

  Even Milo says, “Me, too.” Pretty sure I never heard him say he’d take care of anybody, although he does do it—kind of a lot, if I think about it.

  Beautiful Alma is making my whole family almost as happy as she makes me. She’s giving us a reason to live—the best gift ever.

  After Jack goes home with a smile on his face and everyone else has settled down and gone to bed, I come downstairs to get some water and find Mom crying on the couch with her head in her hands.

  “Mom? You all right?”

  I’ve startled her, and she jerks her head up, all the previous happiness drained from her face. “I’m fine.” She tries to smile, but it’s feeble. “It’s just… you know… Tasha.”

  I step close to Mom. “I’m worried, Mom. But I don’t want Alma to see it.”

  “Of course.” She makes a shooing motion at me. “Talk to me about your worries instead of Alma. But for now, go to bed. I’ll be fine. Sometimes I just have to cry.”

  CHAPTER 24

  I figure we’d better go tell Grandpa and them over at the Mint this morning, before they find out about the baby from s
omeone besides us. They’d be mad about that, along with all the other shit they’re mad about.

  Neighbors go in and out of the Mint’s garage nowadays, but Jeri and Grandpa stay away. They still hate sharing food and water and tools. They wouldn’t have a thing to eat without our neighborhood co-op. They should’ve figured this out by now.

  But they don’t want to figure it out. Then they’d have to be grateful and put themselves on the same level as the rest of us. I swear that’s the way they think about it. Like being grateful would make them smaller, which is the opposite of what being grateful does.

  Grandpa and Aunt Jeri have blinders on. That’s what Nana would’ve said. Also, they don’t give a fuck.

  Alma and I are getting dressed when Mazie hollers from downstairs. “Come eat, everybody! Uncle Eddie and Jack made biscuits and gravy!”

  “Wow,” I say. “I wonder if Mazie realizes the gravy’s made with rabbit fat.”

  Alma stops to look at me. “Think we should tell her?”

  I push my dark hair back along the top of my head. It’s so greasy and itchy. I really gotta wash it somehow. I lean down in front of the mirror and start brushing. That will help some, and also scratch my itchy scalp.

  “If this was the world we grew up in, where vegetarians had plenty of food choices, other ways to get fat in their diets without eating meat, then of course I’d tell Mazie.”

  “Yeah?” Alma’s watching me while she buckles her belt. It looks tight on her. So cool.

  “But—” I turn to face Alma. “—I want Mazie to eat it. She freaking needs it, like we all do.”

  “Keno, I love the way you think about your family and what they each need.”

  “How’s the baby today, my other baby?”

  “Good. I can’t feel it moving yet. I don’t know when that’s supposed to happen.”

  “Now we can ask people the million questions we have. It’ll be fun to have something nice to talk about for a change.”

  “Keno, come eat!” Mazie hollers. “I already ate a bunch. If you don’t hurry, it’ll be gone.”

  “We’re coming, Mazie!”

  Alma and I crack up. Mazie already ate the gravy, so we were all worried for nothing.

  “Can we tell Pedro and Chris about the baby before we go see Aunt Jeri and Grandpa?” Alma asks.

  “Sure. And Doris. I know you’ll want to tell her and Silas, since they took y’all in.”

  We hurry down to eat. We’re not gonna miss out on biscuits and gravy. But, as I kind of expected, Eddie has two piled plates set aside for us, and Jack’s guarding them like a hawk. Milo’s eying them. We bite into delicious smothered biscuits, and we’re swooning.

  “Guess what, you guys?” Alma’s beaming at her brothers. “I’m gonna have a baby!”

  Chris’s mouth falls open and morphs into a big smile. “Wow. So awesome!”

  Pedro smiles with his mouth, but not with his eyes. He looks a little bewildered. These guys aren’t like my loud-mouth family. But then, Pedro’s mouth puckers up, his whole face puckers up, and he starts sobbing.

  “Aww, what’s the matter, Pedro? Come here.” Alma grabs her littlest brother in a mighty hug. She looks concerned. Pedro doesn’t speak; he just clings to Alma.

  “Pedro, it’s okay,” Chris says. “Alma’s still gonna love us. Right, Alma?”

  “You guys are the best brothers in the world. Of course, I’ll always love you.” Alma’s puzzled over this. She pulls Pedro away to look him in the eye. “What’s wrong, boo?”

  Pedro doesn’t respond. I step into another room, hoping he’ll feel more comfortable talking to Alma if I’m not there.

  “Pedro, please tell me what’s wrong. Are you worried about me or the baby?”

  “No,” he croaks out. “I’m happy.”

  “That’s good. So why are you crying?”

  “I want Mama and Papa to see the baby.” Oh, man.

  “I do, too, Pedro.” There’s a crack in Alma’s voice. “I do, too.”

  Chris runs over and hugs Alma and Pedro while the three of them cry. I give them a minute, and then I join the hug.

  At last, Alma says, “If Mama and Papa are in Heaven, they will see the baby. And if they’re alive, then maybe they’ll see us in person someday.”

  “They’re alive,” Pedro says.

  “Sure they are,” says Chris. Alma and I nod.

  Doris says prayers and hallelujahs and fusses over Alma so much I don’t think we’ll ever get to leave, but it’s fun to see Doris so happy.

  Pedro gets cheered up, saying, “I hope it’s a boy.”

  “I want a girl,” Chris says. “She’ll be pretty like Alma.”

  Finally, we back out the front door, grinning, and then we walk toward the Mint. The sun seems way too bright for wintertime. I’ve noticed this a lot lately. I don’t trust the sun anymore.

  “Well, that was… Wow,” I say.

  “Yeah, pretty wow. At least Pedro got cheered up at the end of it.”

  “That Doris is a cheering machine. You’re gonna have more mothers fussing over you than you’ll know what to do with.”

  Alma chuckles, but her lips get trembly.

  Shit. I’ve hurt her. I’m not making any more jokes about fussy extra moms to Alma.

  I wrap my arm around her waist, which is next to my hipbones. I want to protect her and the baby with these long arms God gave me, if God is even where I got these long-ass arms. My mom and dad don’t have long arms. Probably came from some ape ancestor, like an orangutan. That’s kind of freaky to think about.

  Grandpa and Aunt Jeri don’t seem that excited about the baby. I mean, they smile and say congratulations like a robot would, or a trained parrot. They’re in some kind of funk over here, so we don’t want to linger.

  “I think I’ll take a nap,” Grandpa says, like he doesn’t give a shit that he’s fixing to be a great-grandfather. I think he does give a shit, but he doesn’t want me to know that, for some reason.

  At least Aunt Jeri’s not being bitchy. Maybe she’s settling down.

  A few nights later, I’m falling asleep when I suddenly wonder if our doors are locked. I run downstairs to check.

  Back door’s fine, but the front door only has the knob locked, so I flip the deadbolt.

  Shit, someone’s across the street, facing our house, just standing there. A patroller waiting on his partner? No, Milo and Eddie are patrolling. I slide closer to the window and pull the thin curtain back an inch, and I see Ray.

  Fucking Ray? He knows where we live?

  Surging with rage, I yank open the door, and Ray jerks, like he’s startled. I fly across the street. He plants his feet and sticks his arms out as I launch myself at him, grabbing him by his jacket collar. He knocks me under the arms, trying to break my grip. Shit, I’m not even armed.

  “The fuck you doin’ here? Get out and don’t come back!” I’m shaking him. He’s heavy, and he’s grinning at me. I rear back to punch that grin off his face, and he grabs me by the throat. Fuck! He’s gonna crush my windpipe.

  “Hey! Let him go!” Uncle Eddie’s running at us from halfway to the park, cocking his rifle. “Get the fuck out of here!”

  Ray lets go of my throat and steps back. “I’m goin’,” he says.

  I’m gasping and sputtering, but I shove him in the chest and knock him backward. Ray slaps the shit out of my head, sending me sideways. I’m reeling, and he yanks my arm. Pain shoots up it through my shoulder as he jerks me around to face him

  “Listen up, prissy boy!” he snarls in my face. “If I didn’t love Alma, you’d be dead.”

  If he didn’t love Alma? I’m gonna kill him!

  Eddie runs up on us, firing his rifle in the air. “Go! Now!”

  Ray takes off, darting across the street and through Jack’s field, heading toward Dittmar Road.r />
  “Shoot him, Eddie!”

  “He’s not armed!”

  I yank the rifle out of Eddie’s hands. “Hey!” he shouts. He didn’t expect me to do that.

  I’m barefoot, running on hard pavement, then across uneven ground full of brambles, and I’m trying to get a bead on Ray. It’s hard to sight this rifle in the dark and on the run. I just start shooting. Bursts of shots, then more running. Ray’s about to go over the crest on Dittmar. I plant my feet and fire off a barrage, emptying the clip as he disappears into the trees.

  “Don’t come back here, motherfucker!” I yell as I double over, bracing my hand on my knee, trying to breathe.

  “Don’t ever grab a gun out of my hands again!” Eddie barks from behind me, and I whirl around. “Stupid, dangerous fucking thing to do!”

  “I need to kill that guy.”

  “Why? What was that he said about Alma?”

  We haven’t told anyone what Ray did to Alma. She doesn’t want everyone knowing she was abused. “He was looking for her.”

  Eddie winces, like maybe he’s picking up on the threat. I hand him his rifle, and we walk toward home.

  “Where’s Milo? I thought y’all were patrolling together.”

  “I let him take a break to hang out with Susie Zizzo.”

  Milo’s had his eye on red-headed Susie for a while. The kid deserves a break. But Eddie was patrolling alone and let Ray get in.

  “You should’ve got me to help you until Milo came back.”

  “Probably should have.”

  Milo’s in front of our house with his rifle up when he sees us approaching.

  “What’s going on?” he asks. “Who were you shooting at?”

  “Camo guy creep,” I say. “He got away.”

  “Same guy as before?”

  “Nope. A new one. This place is all the rage for camo guys to menace. Didn’t you hear?”

  Eddie clicks on his flashlight. “Let me look at your throat.”

  I don’t want him to look, but I throw my head back so he can squint at my skinny neck and run his fingers across it.

  “That’s going to bruise,” Eddie says. “Go to bed, kid. Milo and I have got this.”