Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1
Page 4
Guy Tea?
Dafydd No problem. Now – (he studies the script) – I – er – hear you ran into the wife.
Guy Well …
Dafydd Or rather she ran into you. (He laughs.)
Guy That’s more like it, yes.
Dafydd (feeling some explanation is due but unable to think of one) Yes. She’s – you know – women …
Guy Yes.
Dafydd Never like being taken by surprise, do they? Unless they know what it is in advance. (He laughs.) I’d like to surprise you for your birthday, darling, what would you like? Now then. This casting business. I have a feeling, an instinctive feeling in my bones, you know, and I’m not often wrong – sometimes, not often – that you’d make a pretty good Crook-Finger’d Jack. Fancy that, do you? Having a crack at Crook-Finger’d Jack?
Guy Yes, he sounds pretty interesting … yes …
Dafydd I’ll be honest, it’s not a vast – you know The Beggar’s Opera at all –?
Guy No. It’s one I haven’t …
Dafydd No, well, it’s as I say, it’s not a vast part. But he does feature. He features pretty strongly really. I mean for the sort of size of part he is. I mean, he’s got – what – in terms of speeches –? (He flicks the script vaguely.) Well, he’s got probably just the one line in Act Two but he’s the sort of character, you know, at the end of an evening, an audience tend to remember quite graphically …
Guy Perhaps that’s because of his finger …
Dafydd (failing to see this small joke) What? No, you see the play’s full of these marvellous characters. There are the highwaymen … (savouring the names) Crook-Finger’d Jack, Jemmy Twitcher, Nimming Ned, Ben Budge, Matt of the Mint … (He reflects.) Yes, there was the possibility of that character but – my feeling is, as director, that Matt of the Mint could be a little too adventurous for you first time round.
Guy No, fair enough. I wasn’t …
Dafydd That, of course, is not in any way a reflection on …
Guy No, please, please. I’ll be guided by you …
Dafydd (relieved) Well. Good. Good. I’m giving that particular part to Dr Packer who has, to be fair, had a good deal of experience. Still, it’ll only be the first of many for you and us. Hopefully.
Guy I hope so, too.
Dafydd Good. (handing Guy the script) You want to take this one?
Guy Thank you.
Dafydd You’ll find he comes on around page 32. Then he goes off on page 35, I think. And then I’m thinking seriously about bringing him on again in Act Three. But that’s to be confirmed.
Guy Splendid. Thank you very much.
Dafydd Quite a departure for PALOS, this, you know …
Guy PALOS?
Dafydd Pendon Amateur Light Operatic Society …
Guy Oh, yes. Sorry. Of course …
Dafydd Makes a change from The Student Prince. Not that I don’t … But it’s good to have a change now and then. I had a lot of opposition in committee over this one, I can tell you. Lot of old die-hards there. Original walk-ons in Chu Chin Chow. You know the sort … But I’m absolutely convinced that this show – first produced when was it –? 1728 – it’s as entertaining and as vital and as relevant as it was then … Suky Tawdry … Dolly Trull … Mrs Vixen … Those are the whores and pimps of the town … almost see their faces in their names, can’t you? Polly Peachum. That tells you all you need to know about her, doesn’t it? What an age, eh? What an age. Well, compared to our own.
Guy Yes. Yes. Of course, they didn’t have any …
Dafydd I mean, look at us today. Sex shops, I ask you. Can you imagine Captain Macheath furtively purchasing marital aids …? What’s happening to us, Guy? What’s happening to us, eh? (Slight pause.) Sorry, I get a little – over-enthusiastic occasionally. So I’m told.
Guy Not at all. Did you ever consider doing the theatre professionally? I mean, it’s just that you seem …
Dafydd Oh, I was, I was. I was in the profession for some years.
Guy Really?
Dafydd Oh, yes. I’ve done my bit.
Guy As a producer?
Dafydd No, no. Acting in those days. I was acting. And a little bit of stage management, you know.
Guy Whereabouts?
Dafydd (vaguely) Oh, all over. A lot of it in Minehead.
Guy Oh. Yes.
Dafydd Still. That’s under the bridge. Respectable solicitor these days. Well, reasonably. What line are you in, then?
Guy Oh, I’m –
Before he can reply, Hannah enters. She has made herself more socially presentable now, pretending the earlier encounter with Guy did not occur. She carries a tray with two mugs of cocoa. Guy rises politely. Dafydd, unused to such niceties in his own home, does so belatedly.
Hannah Hallo …
Guy Hallo.
Dafydd Here she is … This is my wife, Hannah.
Hannah How do you do?
Guy How do you do?
Dafydd Dearest, this is Mr Jones. Guy Jones.
Hannah Hallo.
Guy Hallo.
Dafydd Let me … (He helps her with the tray.) … On here, shall we?
Hannah Yes, it’ll mark it on there … (to Guy) Do sit down, please … Brrr! It’s cold in here. Heating’s off.
Dafydd Is it? Can’t say we’d noticed, had we? Boiling.
Hannah I presumed you both wanted cocoa. I saw the tin was out.
Dafydd Oh, no. Guy wanted tea. Sorry, love …
Guy It doesn’t matter …
Hannah I can make tea …
Guy No, please, really …
Dafydd Tea’s no trouble …
Guy No, this is perfect. Please.
Hannah Well. If you’re quite sure.
Guy I’m just as happy with this.
Slight pause.
Hannah Well, I’ll leave you both to it, then.
Dafydd Don’t go, don’t go …
Hannah If you want to talk business …
Dafydd No, we’ve finished. Sit down for a second.
Guy (smiling) Please.
Hannah Well. Only if I’m not in the way. (She sits.)
Dafydd Anyway. Hardly call it business, could we?
Hannah Oh?
Dafydd Guy’s going to be giving us his Crook-Finger’d Jack.
Hannah Sorry?
Dafydd Our missing brigand. He’s just joined us.
Hannah Oh. Wonderful.
Dafydd Think he’ll make a good Jack, do you, Hannah? Think he’ll make a highwayman?
Hannah Well. Possibly …
Dafydd Oh dear, Guy. She doesn’t sound too convinced. Doesn’t he convince you?
Hannah Yes. I just think he looks a bit handsome for a highwayman. (She smiles nervously.)
Dafydd (roaring with laughter) Well, I don’t know what you say to that, Guy, I really don’t. What do you say to that?
Guy I don’t really know.
He smiles. Dafydd’s laughter subsides. A silence.
Dafydd Maybe we can give him an eyepatch.
Hannah Yes …
They laugh. Another silence.
Dafydd Are the girls all right?
Hannah Yes. They’re asleep.
Dafydd Gwinny stopped coughing?
Hannah Oh yes, I gave her the linctus.
Dafydd Good. Good. (Pause.) Good.
Hannah (to Guy) We have twin girls.
Guy Yes …
Hannah Gwynneth who’s got a cold. And Myfanwy who’s just getting over it … They just go in circles.
Guy Nice names.
Hannah Yes. Dafydd’s mother chose them.
Dafydd With our help.
Guy Ah …
Dafydd Everything’s Welsh in this house …
Hannah Except me, that is.
Dafydd Except her, that is. She was made in Middlesex.
Guy (rather over-reacting) Oh, really? Middlesex.
Hannah Yes. Are you from Middlesex, then?
Guy No.
Hannah Oh.
> Dafydd He’s from Leeds. Aren’t you?
Guy That’s right.
Hannah Oh. Leeds, yes … Is your wife local?
Dafydd No, dearest, he hasn’t got a wife …
Hannah No?
Guy No, she … She died, recently.
Hannah Oh, dear.
Dafydd Oh dear, I didn’t know that. Accident, was it?
Guy No. Not really, it was … (He searches for words.)
Dafydd Deliberate. (He laughs.)
Hannah (fiercely) Dafydd …
Dafydd Sorry, sorry. I do beg your pardon. I’m sorry, Guy.
Guy That’s quite all right …
Hannah He’s always doing that.
Guy She was ill for some time, actually …
Hannah Oh, dear. How long’s she … How long’s she – been now?
Guy Just over a year …
Hannah Ah.
Dafydd Ah …
Guy It took me a little time, obviously, to adjust …
Hannah … yes, it would …
Guy Still, eventually I decided it was high time I took a grip on things and got out and about again. Which is why I took the plunge and wrote to David …
Dafydd (correcting him) Dafydd …
Guy (attempting the correct pronunciation) Dafydd …
Dafydd Nearly. (spelling it out slowly) Da–fydd …
Guy Da–fydd …
Hannah Oh, really. It’s near enough.
Dafydd Near enough is not enough …
Hannah It’s bad enough as it is. How do you fancy standing in the Dry Cleaners trying to pronounce your own surname?
Dafydd (the full Welsh) Llewellyn. What could be simpler? Llewellyn …
Hannah You work locally, though, do you?
Guy Yes, I’m with BLM, actually.
Dafydd BLM? Over on Western Estate?
Guy That’s right …
Dafydd The big boys, eh?
Guy Well, they are, I’m not.
Hannah What do they do, BLM? I’ve always meant to ask.
Guy Well…
Dafydd That’s a difficult one to answer, eh, Guy?
Guy Just a bit …
Hannah I mean, what do they do? Do they make anything?
Dafydd (laughing) Vast profits mostly … Right?
Guy Right. (He laughs.)
Hannah Oh well, don’t tell me if you don’t want to …
Guy We’re a multi-national company that’s become extremely diversified …
Dafydd Diversified, dearest. That means they’re into all sorts of different –
Hannah (tetchily) Yes, I know, I know …
Dafydd All right …
Hannah I know what diversify means.
Guy (a fraction embarrassed) And so it’s a bit difficult to pin down. Certainly it is from my limited viewpoint. In a rather small local branch in a rather obscure department called Alternative Forward Costing. In which I am a very small cog indeed.
Hannah I’m impressed anyway.
Dafydd It’s interesting you should be in BLM because –
In the hall the phone rings.
Hannah Who can that be …? (She starts to rise.)
Dafydd (rising) I’ll go, I’ll go. It could be Ted …
Hannah Oh, is it Linda trouble again?
Dafydd (as he goes) Yes, as usual. As usual …
Dafydd goes out.
Hannah It’s these friends of ours, they have this daughter that they absolutely dote over. And of course she just takes terrible advantage of them all the time …
Guy Yes, I met them.
Hannah Did you? Yes. She’s a real headache for them. She set fire to all her mother’s clothes, you know …
Guy Set fire to them?
Hannah Yes. Enid wasn’t in them at the time but it was everything she had in the world except what she was standing up in. They both came home from a meeting of the Civic Society and her wardrobe was ablaze.
Guy Heavens.
Hannah Mind you, I can’t help thinking, in some ways, they brought it on themselves. I hope ours will turn out all right. Do you have children, Mr –?
Guy Guy, please. No. My wife wasn’t able to have any. She – wasn’t very strong …
Hannah Shame. Do you miss her a lot?
Guy (as if considering the question for the first time) Yes. Yes, I do. Very much.
Hannah That’s nice. For her, I mean. Of course not for you. I’d like to think I’d be missed.
Guy You?
Hannah Yes.
Guy Why? (An awful thought.) You’re not …?
Hannah Oh, no. No, I’m right as rain. I think. So far as I know. It’s just I sometimes wonder, I suppose a lot of us do probably, whether if I – you know – died, people would really … Silly really, isn’t it?
Guy I’m sure you’d be missed.
Hannah Maybe.
Guy By David – Dafydd. And your children.
Hannah Yes, possibly the children would. For a few years more, anyway. I don’t know about Dafydd. Now he is missed. You see that big doll there? Every time Dafydd’s out of the house for more than 20 minutes the girls insist it’s brought out. Then all their games revolve round that wretched doll. Tea with Daddy-doll and walks with Daddy-doll and supper with Daddy-doll and bed with Daddy-doll … Well, I’ve stopped them taking it to bed with them now. I did think that was getting too much of a good thing. Of course, Dafydd thinks it’s terribly funny. I suppose it is quite flattering for him, really. The trouble is, my family are under the impression that there’s a female counterpart to that thing that runs round the house after them. Only it happens to be me. Hooray for Mummy-doll. (Slight pause.) Heavens. I haven’t talked like this for years. I am sorry. It’s very boring of me.
Guy (gently) No.
Hannah No?
Guy No.
He smiles at her. Hannah, uncertainly at first and then more warmly, smiles back at Guy. As they gaze at each other, Dafydd returns from the phone to break the spell.
Dafydd (as he enters) That was Enid. They got home and found Linda in bed.
Hannah is about to say something.
Yes, that’s what I asked. And the answer is no. Fast asleep on her own. So, false alarm, they still have a daughter and more important we still have a Lucy Lockit. What’s been going on in here? Anything I should know about?
Hannah I think it’s my bedtime, if you’ll excuse me …
Guy (looking at his watch) Oh, Lord, yes. I must be …
Dafydd Don’t go on my account. I’m a late one myself …
Guy No, it really is …
Dafydd (going out briefly) I’ll fetch your coat, then.
Guy (to Hannah) Thank you very much for your hospitality …
Hannah Not much of that. You didn’t even drink your cocoa.
Guy Another time, perhaps.
Dafydd returns and helps Guy into his coat.
Thank you. I hope, in any case, I’ll see you again before too long.
Dafydd What her? You’re talking about Hannah, you mean? You’ll see her tomorrow night.
Guy (pleased) Oh, really?
Dafydd Didn’t she tell you she’s in the show? She’s our Polly Peachum, aren’t you, love? (He cuffs her affectionately.)
Guy Oh, I see. Good Lord.
Hannah (as she leaves with the tray) I look better in the mornings. Usually. (She laughs.) See you tomorrow.
Guy Goodnight. (He stares after her somewhat as of a man enchanted.)
Dafydd (a man with his mind on more serious things) Listen, Guy … a word before you go …
Guy Yes?
Dafydd This coincidence of your working for BLM. It could be quite opportune. The point is, I’m acting for a client at the moment who’s involved in purchasing a couple of acres of wasteland. Small stuff. Nothing very exciting. Except for two things. One, the land is actually slap bang adjoining your premises –
Guy Oh, round the back there, you mean?
Dafydd Yes, the old sports field. Used to be
a sports field. Second, and this is only hearsay, rumour has it that you boys are shortly planning to expand. Any truth in that, do you know?
Guy No, I don’t … Not so far as I know …
Dafydd Only, of course, if you are, then of course the land in question could suddenly be worth a bit. Do you follow?
Guy Yes, I do see.
Dafydd Depending of course on how many people get to know about it. I mean, putting it in plainer words, if the chap who’s selling it doesn’t know, whereas we who are buying it do know – then we could be getting a bargain. But you’ve no definite knowledge yourself?
Guy No, as I say, not that’s come to my ears. I could ask …
Dafydd Well, tactfully if you do. Don’t want to disturb things, do we? Of course, if you could help, there’d – there’d be some arrangement, no doubt …
Guy Oh, there’d be no need for …
Dafydd Oh, yes, yes. Fair’s fair. Fair’s fair …
Guy Yes. Though I suppose if we were being really fair, we really ought to warn the person who’s selling the land.
Dafydd Oh, I don’t think that’s on.
Guy No?
Dafydd If I did that, I’d be betraying my own client, wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t be ethical.
Guy I see.
Dafydd No. It’s up to this other fellow’s solicitor to warn him. Not me. Anyway. Keep your ear to the ground.
He steers Guy towards the front door.
Guy I will certainly.
Dafydd But remember, mum’s the word.
Guy Oh, yes, rather. Goodnight then. See you tomorrow.
Dafydd You betcher. Seven o’clock. And we’re really going to get cracking, I can tell you. You won’t see that stage for dust.
Guy (moving away) Right …
Dafydd (calling after him as Guy goes) Better bring your racing skates …
Dafydd stands in the doorway for a second, savouring the night air. A man well pleased with his evening’s achievements. As he stands there, lights up on Ted. He is in full evening dress, holding his script.
Ted (as Peachum, singing)
A Fox may steal your Hens, Sir,
A Whore your Health and Pence, Sir,
Your Daughter rob your Chest, Sir,
Your Wife may steal your Rest, Sir,
A Thief your Goods and Plate.
But this is all but picking,