Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Jack Poppy …

  Poppy (opening the door) I’ll be in here.

  Jack Poppy, if I have to come down and fetch you …

  Poppy Bye-bye.

  Poppy goes into the sitting room and closes the door. She crowds in with the rest of her guests.

  Jack Poppy!

  Poppy (calling girlishly) Woo-hoo! (to the others) I’m ever so sorry. This is so embarrassing.

  Tina (hissing) Mum. What are you playing at?

  Poppy It’s the only way I can get him in here, (calling) Woo-hoo!

  Jack I’m going to have to come in there and get you, Poppy …

  Cliff This’ll be entertaining.

  Anita It’s all right, Poppy, we’ll shut our eyes.

  Poppy Sssshh!

  Jack Poppy! If I have to come and fetch you, Poppy … You know what that means, don’t you? (starting to take off his jacket) It means rough trade. Rough. Rough. Poppy. (Throws his jacket over the banisters and starts to descend, treading heavily.) Right. Here come the Vikings. You hear him coming, Poppy? (Takes off his tie and starts to unbutton his shirt.) It’s Erik the Hairy, coming for you.

  Anita giggles.

  Roy Eric the Who?

  Poppy Oh God, I want to die. I really want to die.

  Jack (in a strange Norwegian accent) Nordsky! Nordsky! Where she hidey-hole the little Angley-Sexey girl? Here he come, Hairy Erik with his meatey axey –

  He opens the sitting room door, slowly reaching round for the light switch as he does so.

  (calling softly) Angley-Sexey Girl! Come for a little pillage. Look who’s here. Look who’s here … (switching on the light) Look who’s … Oh, for crying out loud!

  A roar from everyone.

  Poppy Look who’s here.

  Jack is mortified. Poppy, almost equally embarrassed, hugs him amidst much merriment. The following six speeches overlap.

  Jack I don’t believe it. I really don’t believe it. How long have they been there?

  Poppy I’m sorry, Jack, I didn’t mean it to happen like that, I promise.

  Jack That was without a doubt the most embarrassing moment of my life …

  Cliff (simultaneously with this last) I wish they’d carried on. It was just getting interesting, wasn’t it?

  Anita Fascinating. What was all this Viking business, that’s what I’d like to know?

  Uberto Viking? Per favore, che cos’è un Viking?

  Anita starts to try and explain.

  Jack (singling out Ken and shaking him by the hand) Hallo, Ken old lad, how are you? What a rotten trick to play on someone.

  Ken (effusively) Hallo, then. Hallo then, old lad. Good to see you here. (to Yvonne) Who is he?

  Yvonne This is Jack. You know Jack, Ken.

  Ken Of course it’s Jack. I know Jack. He’s my son-in-law. (trying to stop the chatter) Ladies and … Ladies and …

  Poppy Sssh! Everybody!

  Desmond Quiet, everyone … Quiet a minute –

  Silence.

  Ken (to Yvonne) Who’s this, then?

  Desmond I’m Desmond, Dad. Everyone, I think – my father would like to say a few words.

  Ken I won’t talk for long because I know that you know we all know who we’re all talking about. We all know that. Our Jack here –

  He grasps Desmond by the arm, who gently removes the hand and places it on Jack’s arm instead.

  – my son-in-law … (worried by Desmond’s gesture) What’s that?

  Desmond Nothing, Dad.

  Ken Well, don’t do it. (resuming) Jack, my son-in-law, loving husband to my Poppy there, who’s coming home to run the business and all I can say is, welcome home, Jack, and not before time …

  Applause.

  That’s all I wanted to say.

  Applause.

  Jack (starting his reply) Well, Ken, I’m sorry I –

  Ken When I started this firm, I started it with twenty-five pounds, a hand cart and a good woman. Well, over the years the money’s devalued, the cart’s disintegrated and Gracie? – well, Gracie, God bless her, has departed. Only her name lives on in the firm, Ayres and Graces. Ayres, that’s me. Gracie, that’s her. And I know if she was here – which she probably is, since she’s never been known to miss a party – she would undoubtedly reiterate me that if there was anyone who can move this firm forward into the twenty-first century, it has to be Poppy’s Jack who’s the man to do it. He’s done wonders for that duff load of frozen-food merchants he’s just been with. What the hell’s he going to do for a good firm?

  Laughter and applause.

  Jack (after checking that Ken has finished) Thank you, Ken. I’ll do my best. I’m bracing myself for the culture shock of jumping from fish fingers to furniture – and I hope you’ll have observed that all the fixtures and fittings in this house have come from the right place. Well, a man’s got enough problems without in-law trouble as well …

  Laughter.

  Well. I think we’re all aware that the business hasn’t been as healthy as it might have been, just lately. Demand is sluggish, we know that. Consequently, productivity’s also down and generally, I think it’s fair to say – so far as I can gather, everyone’s lost a bit of heart. Now it’s very hard in this country for a business man to say something even halfway idealistic, without people falling over backwards laughing. To them it sounds like a contradiction in terms, anyway. But. Putting it as simply as I can. If I do nothing else, and during the coming months I can assure you I plan to do plenty, but if I succeed in doing nothing else I am determined to introduce one simple concept. And that concept is basic trust.

  He pauses for effect.

  Ken Basic what did he say?

  Yvonne Trust.

  Ken Oh, basic trust. Yes.

  Jack I’m talking about establishing the understanding that so far as every individual member of that firm is concerned, working there is no longer going to be purely a question of take, take, take … whether it’s raw materials from the shop floor, an extra fifty quid on our car allowances or paper clips from the office. We’re there because we actually believe in what we’re producing. Let’s try and put across the idea that many of us believe in it so strongly that we are even anxious to put something back in. Effort. Hard work. Faith. Where do you think we’d be if we could do that? I’ll tell you, we’d be top of the bloody league, that’s where we’d be. We’re a small family business. Even today, we’re still essentially the same as we always were. There’s no them and us about it. When it comes down to it, it’s all us. That’s all there is. Us. Ken and Des and Roy, there. All the lads we have working for us; all the girls in the office. They’re practically family themselves, aren’t they? It shouldn’t be that difficult to achieve. All I’m saying is – let’s start with the paper clips, shall we? Let’s start with trust, that’s all … (Slight pause.) Sorry.

  A rather startled silence, then applause from everyone.

  Ken Great speech, Jack, great speech …

  Jack Thank you.

  Ken I knew I’d got the right man.

  Desmond (confidentially, to Jack) Just what was needed. Very inspiring.

  Jack Thanks.

  Roy Fantastic. I couldn’t understand a word of it, but fantastic.

  Poppy Roy, can you make sure everyone’s got a drink?

  Roy Wilco.

  During the next, Roy and Desmond move into the far half of the sitting room to replenish their drinks. Harriet follows. Poppy stays talking to Ken and Yvonne. Samantha sits herself in a corner with her half-finished glass of Coke and continues reading a hardback book.

  Anita (over this last) You’re a lovey talker, Jack. Beautiful. I could listen to you for hours.

  Jack I meant it, Anita.

  Anita Jack, I want you to meet Uberto Rivetti. Uberto is a business associate of Cliff’s. Visiting from Italy.

  Jack How do you do, Mr Rivetti.

  Anita This is my brother-in-law – (to Jack) – he doesn’t speak hardly any English. Mio cognato. Jack.
/>   Uberto Piacere. Grazie per avermi invitato. Che bella casa!

  Jack Thank you. (to Anita) What’s he saying?

  Uberto E che bella famiglia. Sua moglie e le bambine sono simpaticissime.

  Anita Grazie. Uberto said he liked your speech.

  Jack Oh, thank you very much, (to Anita) How long have you been speaking Italian?

  Anita I’m learning. Off a tape. I listen in the mornings when I’m jogging. Trouble is, I speak it better when I’m on the move. Look, Jack, I’m sorry we can’t stay, but Uberto has a dinner engagement and I promised I’d look after him …

  Jack Oh, shame …

  Anita We wanted to pop in. Just to say congratulations.

  Jack Is Cliff going as well, then …?

  Anita No. No. Not Cliff.

  Jack (slightly embarrassed) No. Sorry.

  Anita (kissing him) See you soon.

  Uberto Bye-bye.

  Jack Yes. Ciao!

  Uberto Cuai! Si!

  Anita and Uberto move off towards the front door. Poppy accompanies them.

  Ken (more confidentially) Come and talk to me tomorrow, all right? At home.

  Jack Sure.

  Ken (moving away) I’ll be there all day. All right?

  Jack I will … ’Night, then.

  Yvonne Goodnight, Jack. I have to get him home …

  Ken and Yvonne move off to the front door, where Poppy is saying goodbye to Anita and Uberto. Cliff emerges from the front sitting room.

  Poppy Oh, are you off as well, Yvonne? Won’t you stay for something to eat?

  Yvonne No, Ken would like to get home. He never stays up too late …

  Cliff Get you a drink after all that, Jack?

  Jack Ta. I’m just going to freshen up. Scotch. With plenty of water.

  Cliff Coming up.

  He returns to the drinks.

  Tina (kissing Jack) Fantastic, Dad. Wonderful …

  Jack Sorry, I didn’t mean to go on quite so much.

  Tina No, seriously. I think what you said was absolutely terrific. About time somebody said it.

  Jack Oh, thank you. Praise indeed from one’s own daughter.

  Tina checks round both rooms and gathers up empties and any bowls of snacks that need replenishing. Samantha is now reading while listening to her personal stereo.

  (noticing her) Hallo, Sammy.

  Samantha Hallo, Dad.

  Jack Didn’t see you there. All right, then?

  Samantha Yes, I’m all right.

  Jack Right.

  They appear to have run out of conversation.

  Good.

  Jack goes back into the hall. As he does so, Poppy returns from the front door having said goodnight to Ken, Yvonne, Anita and Uberto.

  Poppy It’s supposed to be a party this, you know, not a party political broadcast.

  Jack Sorry, I’ve already said sorry. I’ve apologized.

  Poppy (hugging him) I was so proud of you. Really proud.

  Jack Oh, well …

  Poppy If the whole bloody world was as good as you there’d be no problem, that’s all I can say. (kissing him briefly) I love you very much.

  Jack I love you.

  Poppy Only don’t make any more speeches or we’ll never get anything to eat, all right?

  Jack (smiling) Promise.

  Jack starts upstairs. Poppy goes into the sitting room through the far door to check all is well. Simultaneously, Tina comes out through the near door with an empty crisp bowl in her hand.

  Tina Don’t make too much noise when you’re up there, will you, Dad? Kevin and Michelle are asleep.

  Jack (pleased) Oh, have you brought the terrible terrors?

  Tina We had to. Marianne’s gone home to Germany for a fortnight.

  Jack Roughing it, are you? Why, in my young day …

  Tina Times change, Dad. I keep telling you …

  Jack German nannies! You staying the night?

  Tina Yes. Roy and I are in the spare room with Kevin. Michelle’s in with Sammy.

  Jack Didn’t Sammy object?

  Tina She didn’t have any choice.

  Jack It’s like Fort Knox trying to get into her room. It’s got a combination lock, have you seen it?

  Tina Just don’t wake them up.

  Jack goes into the bedroom and, having dumped his jacket and tie on the bed, goes off down the landing and into first one and then the other of the far rooms. Tina, meanwhile, goes into the kitchen and starts to search for more crisps in the cupboards. Poppy comes through from the far sitting room.

  Poppy (seeing Samantha sitting alone) I’m glad you came down for this, Sammy. Your Dad really appreciated it.

  Samantha I’m sure he did.

  Poppy Anyway, it’s good you’re here and not sat in your room all evening.

  Samantha I can’t sit in my room, she’s dumped her sodding baby in there, hasn’t she?

  Poppy Now, Sammy, that’ll do.

  Samantha It’ll be piddling and sicking all over my things.

  Poppy No, she won’t, she’s fast asleep. She’s only two. She’s a beautiful little thing.

  Samantha I hate babies. I hate the smell.

  Poppy You won’t say that when you’ve one of your own.

  Samantha I’m not having sodding babies.

  Poppy Now, Sammy, I’m warning you. Once more and you’ll go straight up to your – I’ll get your father down to you.

  Samantha Great. He might even talk to me.

  Poppy Oh, Sammy, why don’t you go in there and socialize? They’d all love you to socialize. Go on.

  Samantha (resuming her book) I don’t want to socialize.

  Poppy (sighing) I don’t know, I’m sure. He adores you, your Dad, you know, he really does.

  Poppy goes across the hall and into the kitchen. Tina has been searching in vain for refills for her bowl.

  Tina Mum, have you got any more crisps?

  Poppy Yes, up the top there in the … No, don’t give them any more, we’re going to eat in a minute.

  Tina Want a hand, then?

  Poppy Yes – I’ve done most of it – If you go in there, I’ll pass things through to you, OK?

  Tina goes into the dining room. Poppy opens the fridge and starts to take out foil-covered plates of food. These, in due course, she uncovers and starts to pass to Tina in the dining room, through the hatchway. Cliff, who is carrying his own drink as well as one for Jack, comes through the sitting room. He has an ice bucket hooked over a spare finger.

  Cliff (to Samantha) Somebody care to replenish this, would they?

  Samantha ignores him, apparently engrossed in her book.

  Somebody? Anybody?

  Samantha What?

  Harriet, who has been witnessing this from another part of the room, now marches in and takes the bucket from him.

  Harriet All right, I’ll do it.

  Cliff Oh, ta.

  Harriet Fat lot of use asking that child to do anything.

  Cliff Ice is in the freezer.

  Harriet (as she goes) Heavens! How unusual!

  Harriet goes through to the kitchen. Samantha pulls a face at her back. Cliff laughs, unperturbed, and goes upstairs to look for Jack.

  (to Poppy) I’m just going to fill this.

  Poppy Help yourself.

  As Poppy passes plates through to the dining room, Harriet takes a full ice tray from the freezer compartment and goes to the sink and runs the tray under the tap to loosen the cubes before refilling the bucket.

  (to Tina, through the hatch) Move everything up a bit if they won’t go on. There should be enough room.

  Cliff, now upstairs, is looking for Jack.

  Cliff (calling) Jack! Jack, I’ve got your drink here, mate.

  Jack comes out of one of the far bedrooms.

  Jack Sssh! They’re asleep.

  Cliff Oh, yeah, right. Here.

  Jack Thanks, (drawing Cliff back along the passage) Here, come and have a look at this. Have you ever seen anything like this?<
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  They disappear momentarily. In the sitting room, Desmond is talking with Roy who has switched on some music from the hi-fi. Samantha sits, continuing to read. Meanwhile, in the kitchen –

  Harriet (apropos of nothing) It’s all coming to a head, you see.

  Poppy (absorbed in her tasks) Uh-huh?

  Harriet I am no longer welcome in my own home, that’s what it comes down to.

  Poppy Oh dear.

  Harriet I think this is the first time I’ve had the courage to walk into a kitchen for over a month.

  Poppy Lucky you. I wish I was that nervous.

  Harriet You can laugh. It’s all right for you, Poppy, you’ve always got a job you can escape to.

  Poppy I have to work. We need the money, dear. (through the hatch to Tina) Move those side plates round. You should fit that on the end there. By the mousse. (A muffled reply from Tina in the dining room.)

  Jack and Cliff reappear along the landing. Jack goes into the bedroom. Cliff follows him in.

  Jack Incredible to be able to sleep like that, isn’t it?

  Cliff You can when you’re a kid. I used to sleep upside down, do you remember?

  Jack Upside down? What, you mean like a bat?

  Cliff No. Down the bedclothes. With my feet on the pillow. Don’t you remember?

  Jack Oh, yes. I remember your feet … (Jack takes off his shirt and throws it in the clothes basket. He hunts for a new one in a drawer.)

  Harriet I cannot face going into our kitchen these days. I get as far as the door and I cannot even bring myself to go in there to soak a bag of tea.

  Poppy (at the hatch, to Tina) No, the other side, love. That’s it. (Tina replies once more.)

  Harriet I can hear him in there grilling and stewing till all hours of the night. I can smell it for the rest of the day. It seeps through the house. In the curtains. In my hair. In Peggy’s fur. (Cliff sits with his drink, watching Jack.)