Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  They have finished washing and drying and Poppy has taken up the tray of clean glasses and started for the near sitting room.

  Jack (following as before) Rubbish. You’re making out that everybody …

  Poppy (entering the near sitting room) Everybody does.

  Roy True.

  Poppy You just shut up!

  During the next, Roy, injured, gathers up his book and retreats to the dining room. Poppy starts a furious tidying of the near sitting room.

  How do you think Harriet manages three holidays a year because of her nerves? And Cliff drives that damn great Porsche? And Anita never wears the same outfit twice? God, I’d kill for some of her clothes –

  Jack Well, don’t tell me Desmond’s doing better than us. They’re not well off, him and Harriet.

  Poppy Only because Des is salting it all away somewhere.

  Jack Rubbish. I don’t believe that.

  Poppy Even him – (indicating the departed Roy) – even that – oaf – he’s doing better than we are … Here I am married to a very successful man, and we’re living like failures. It’s not fair.

  Poppy bursts into tears, rushes out of the room and upstairs, crying as she goes. Jack follows bewildered.

  (from the landing) Jack, I admire you and I will defend you and your principles with my dying breath, but do you always have to be quite so unbelievably honest? (A pause.)

  Jack I see. So, if Sammy breaks the rules and then I bend the rules, two wrongs will make a right? Is that it?

  Poppy It has been known.

  Jack Well, well … Can’t trust anyone these days, can you? Even God got it wrong. Poor old soul.

  Jack heads towards the front door.

  Poppy Jack … Jack? Where are you going?

  Jack reaches the front door.

  Jack I’m going down to the King’s Head. I’m sure, once I’m pissed, I’ll see it all much, much more clearly.

  Jack goes out and closes the door. Tina comes out of Samantha’s room and along the landing to the top of the stairs.

  Tina Has he gone out?

  Poppy Yes. Gone for a drink.

  Tina Has he –?

  Poppy Oh yes. He’ll come round to it. He’ll come round. You know what your Dad’s like with his principles, (as she goes along the landing) Sammy. It’s going to be all right, love …

  Poppy and Tina go into Samantha’s room.

  A light change to indicate that the location (if not the setting) has changed. It is late afternoon. The front doorbell rings. In a moment, Yvonne comes from the dining room. She is apparently in the midst of domestic tasks. She opens the front door to admit Jack. He has on his car coat.

  Yvonne Hallo, Jack. Ken’s expecting you.

  Jack Sorry, been a busy afternoon. Trying to get to grips with everything all at once.

  Yvonne First day at work. What do you expect? (indicating her appearance) Excuse all this, I’ve been …

  Jack You haven’t given up looking after him, I see.

  Yvonne Force of habit, I suppose. Been nursing him for thirty years at work. Hard to give it up.

  Jack You shouldn’t need to clean his house for him, though. He can afford someone for that, can’t he?

  Yvonne Oh yes, she comes in most mornings. That’s no problem. I’m just sorting things out a bit. There’s stuff here that hasn’t been moved since Grace died. Her clothes are still in the bedroom; her wheelchair’s parked in the middle of the sitting room; and there’s a jigsaw puzzle on the dining-room table she was doing the day she was taken ill. They’ve been dusting round it for four years –

  Jack Ah, that’s sad, isn’t it? Gracie never finished it, then?

  Yvonne He’s upstairs, I think. Want to go up?

  Jack (as he moves to the stairs) If you ever fancy coming back to work, Yvonne … I can always use a good secretary. I don’t think much to the one I’ve inherited …

  Yvonne Edith’s all right.

  Jack She’s too tall. She frightens me. (turning to look upstairs) How is he today?

  Yvonne Fine.

  Jack Comes and goes a bit these days, doesn’t he? I mean, last night he seemed a lot worse.

  Yvonne That’s because there were too many people. He’s never good when there are too many people.

  Jack (starting upstairs) I’ll see what he wants then.

  From the dining room, a grandfather clock chimes the half hour.

  Yvonne Jack.

  Jack (turning) Yes?

  Yvonne Don’t – underestimate him entirely, will you? He still knows what’s what better than most of us.

  Jack Believe me, I have never underestimated Ken.

  Ken comes from one of the far bedrooms and along the landing.

  Ken Who’s that there? Is that Des, is it?

  Jack No, it’s me, Ken. It’s Jack.

  Ken Course it is. Course it’s Jack. Did she let you in? (shouting vaguely in the direction of the stairs) Did you let him in, Yvonne?

  Yvonne (calling as she returns to the dining room) Yes, Ken.

  Ken Good, (winking at Jack, confidentially) She doesn’t let people in unless I tell her to.

  Jack Really? (looking around) Well, where do you want us to –?

  Ken In here.

  Jack What?

  Ken Sssh! In here. Not a word.

  Ken opens the bathroom door and, pushing Jack inside, closes and bolts the door after them. He then reaches in behind the shower curtain, switches on the shower, flushes the lavatory and turns on the washbasin taps.

  Jack What the hell are you doing?

  Ken (above the noise of water) They have microphones now that can pick up a pin dropping on Venus …

  Jack (raising his voice slightly) On what?

  Ken Venus. The big one these days, Jack, is security. No use having the good ideas if they’re not secure. Some of those yellow men, they’ve got them rolling off their production lines before you’ve had a chance to finish your meeting.

  Jack I think it’s the other way round these days, Ken.

  Ken I know what I’m saying. I fought them, boy. (picking up a bathroom stool) Here. Look at this. See?

  Jack One of ours, isn’t it?

  Ken A Princess Wilhelmina bathroom stool second series, modified. Am I right?

  Jack Right.

  Ken You’re wrong.

  He upturns the stool and shows Jack the trademark on the underside.

  Jack (reading) ‘Donizetti. Made in Italy.’ Italy?

  Ken Right down to the same paint, Jack.

  Jack You sure?

  Ken I had it analysed. It’s a rip off. Even the glue.

  Jack What they retailing these at, then?

  Ken Roughly 20 per cent above what we are.

  Jack Above? Then what are we worrying about?

  Ken Because the bastards are crowding us out of the market.

  Jack How come?

  Ken Look at that label, Jack, look at that label. Italian. They’ll pay twenty quid more just for that. You know this country. Stick an ‘i’ on the end of your trademark, they’ll mortgage their testicles for it. Custom-made designer stools fashioned by Mediterranean craftsmen. All that cobblers. Time was, whatever you bought in this country, you looked for just one word. Birmingham. And you bought it, no questions.

  Jack How widespread’s this?

  Ken Every line we’ve got, Jack, including the new ones – (indicating lavatory) – flush that again, will you? – I tell you, Jack, they are releasing our new lines almost simultaneous with us. That new three-drawer vanity unit, Miss Felicity, we’d hardly got them out of the drying shop … I’ve tried tracing their end but it’s a maze, Jack. It’s a ball of string that disappears up some Swiss banker’s back passage. We’ll have to catch it this end, if we’re going to catch it at all. It’s an inside job. Someone’s selling us short from inside the firm, that’s a fact. Industrial espionage. Which is a fancy name for daylight robbery.

  Jack Right.

  Ken You’ll need to take s
omeone aboard. Someone you can trust. Someone sharp who can nose it out. I’ll have to leave it to you to choose. Things aren’t so easy for me since Gracie went, you know.

  Jack I’ll deal with it, Ken.

  Ken I get the odd blank patch, you know –

  Jack Yes.

  Ken Funny, it just sort of drops away. It’s like one minute it’s someone you know, the next you can’t even remember meeting them before … You see them looking at you and you know they’re thinking who the bloody hell does he think I am? And you yourself haven’t a notion … Mind you, they say it’s when you start looking in the mirror and you’re puzzled, that’s the time you need to worry. Seventy-five next week, you know.

  Jack We hadn’t forgotten, Ken.

  Ken I can leave this with you then, can I?

  Jack I’ll get moving on it.

  Ken Not a word though. That we’re arranging to get someone in. Just you and me.

  Jack Only us, is that it?

  Ken Only us.

  Jack Not Yvonne?

  Ken (rather vaguely) Well, yes, I might have told her. Well, she’s my right arm, like. Wonderful girl. Rock solid. Bloody sight more use than her sister, anyway. I wish Des had married her and not the other one.

  Jack I hear him and Harriet have got problems, yes.

  Ken I warned him when he married her. I said, whatever you do, son, keep clear of thin women. They’re trouble. They’re for magazine covers only. No use for nothing else. And look at her now. Death warmed up. Don’t mention this to Des, either.

  Jack No?

  Ken I know he’s your partner but he’s no head for the business. Never has had, more’s the pity. My own son. Should have been a cook in a girls’ school, that’s more his line. The truth is, he’s more than halfway to nancy, if you ask me.

  Jack Oh, I don’t know, Ken …

  Ken You know my Gracie, she was thirteen and a half stone when she died and we never had a cross word. God, she could laugh. Remember her laugh?

  Jack Nobody could forget her, Ken. (Slight pause.) Well, I’ll get going then.

  Ken Yes, you get off. Want to make use of the facilities, before you go?

  Jack No, thanks all the same.

  Ken opens the door to let Jack out.

  Ken You’ll manage to find someone, will you? For this job?

  Jack Yes – I … I think I’ve got someone who’ll do.

  Ken Make sure he’s a good man. We need a good man.

  Jack Sure. Cheerio.

  Ken Cheerio, son.

  Jack goes downstairs quite thoughtfully. As he does so, from the dining room, the grandfather clock strikes six. Ken remains in the bathroom. He is about to leave when he catches sight of himself in the bathroom mirror. He stops and stares, looking slightly puzzled as he examines his own reflection. Jack stands in the hall, looking for Yvonne.

  Jack (calling quite softly) Yvonne?

  Yvonne comes hurriedly and a little guiltily out of the dining room. She has on an attractive (and expensive) brooch which she wasn’t wearing earlier.

  Yvonne Oh, hallo. Are you off?

  Jack Yes.

  Yvonne Had your talk?

  Jack Yes. I gather you know about …

  Yvonne Oh yes. It was me who advised him to get someone in.

  Jack Well. We are.

  Yvonne Good. I hope you find out something.

  Jack I expect we will. See you soon, (as he goes, noticing her brooch) That’s nice. Your brooch.

  Yvonne Oh, yes. It’s … not mine. It was Grace’s. I was just seeing how it looked. On me.

  Jack Lovely.

  Yvonne Yes, isn’t it? Bye.

  Jack Bye.

  Jack goes out of the front door. Yvonne closes it and goes back slowly to the dining room, fingering the brooch. Ken has now left the bathroom and has gone off again into one of the far bedrooms.

  The location changes again. It is evening now, a couple of days later, A rumble of thunder and rain. Poppy dashes in through the back door with an armful of washing. She closes the door and regains her breath. She is wearing a rather smart, up-to-the-minute outfit, slightly but not radically different from her usual clothes.

  Samantha, meanwhile, is coming downstairs. She is wearing a dress and appears, somewhat reluctantly, to have made an effort.

  Poppy (to herself) I knew I’d forget these … I knew I would …

  Samantha comes into the kitchen.

  There you are. You didn’t remind me and I forgot them. See?

  Samantha I don’t know why you still hang the washing out. Why don’t you get a drier? Everybody else has a drier.

  Poppy (starting to fold the clothes) I’m not wasting money on driers when there’s good fresh air …

  Samantha Good fresh rain …

  Poppy (surveying Samantha) Oh, that’s better. You look really nice now.

  Samantha I feel stupid.

  Poppy Lovely.

  Samantha I hate dresses. They’re all draughty.

  Poppy Well, once you’ve said thank you to your Dad, then you can change into what you like.

  Samantha Getting dressed up just for that.

  Poppy Thank your lucky stars you’re not in prison. You’d have to wear a dress in prison.

  Samantha No, I wouldn’t.

  Poppy You would if they told you to. If they told you to put a dress on you’d soon jump to it. (examining her own attire for a moment) This doesn’t look too young for me, does it?

  Samantha (ignoring her) I’m not seeing that man if he comes, anyway. I’m not talking to him.

  Poppy We’ll see.

  She has finished sorting the washing. She hands a pile of Jack’s underwear to Samantha.

  Here. Take these up and put them in the airing cupboard.

  Samantha (recoiling in revulsion) Yurrr! Yurrr!

  Poppy Sammy, don’t be so silly, for heaven’s sake.

  Samantha Yurrr!

  Poppy It’s perfectly clean. (Handing it to her.) Now go on and don’t be so stupid.

  Samantha reluctantly accepts the load.

  Samantha Yurrk.

  As she is about to go, Jack comes in the back door hurriedly running from the rain.

  Poppy Here he is.

  Jack (shutting the door) Hey, what a downpour, eh?

  Poppy (kissing him) Hallo dear. (helping him off with his coat) You must be tired.

  Jack Just a bit.

  Poppy You’re not going to have to work every Saturday, are you?

  Jack I sincerely hope not.

  Poppy (taking coat to the hall) I’ll hang this up for you.

  Jack (noticing her outfit) Is that new, is it?

  Poppy (feigning surprise) Oh, yes. I got it this afternoon. Anita came round and we both went shopping. She helped me choose it.

  Jack Oh.

  Poppy You don’t think it’s too young for me, do you?

  Jack No, it’s fine.

  Poppy (convinced now it’s wrong) Yes. It was Anita, she kept on and on … (giving up) Anyway, (indicating Samantha) Look who’s here to say hallo to you.

  Poppy goes into the hall. She hangs up the coat in a cupboard and then goes into the far sitting room, anxious not to intrude.

  Jack Hallo, Sammy. All right, are you?

  Samantha I’m all right …

  Jack Right.

  Pause.

  Samantha (rather as if she’s been rehearsed in this) Thank you for what you did in getting me out of trouble and I promise I won’t do it again and I am very sorry for bringing shame on the family.

  Jack (a little taken aback) Yes. Good. I’m sorry if I’ve – er … I’m sorry. I don’t know if I have done anything but if I have, then I’m sorry.

  Samantha You haven’t.

  Jack Good. Fine. Right. Well. Go and sit down, shall we? Till this bloke arrives? Not that I intend to make him very welcome. I would like it known he is here under sufferance.

  He moves off into the hall. Samantha follows Jack across the hall to the sitting room. As she
does so, the front doorbell rings. Poppy immediately comes back into the hall.

  Poppy That’ll be Mr Hough. Just stay down a second, Sammy, and say hallo.

  Samantha I am sodding not …

  She rushes upstairs.

  Poppy (half-heartedly) Sammy … She keeps saying that word lately.

  Jack For once, I’m inclined to agree with her.

  Samantha goes into her bedroom and closes the door. Doorbell.

  Poppy Now, Jack …

  Poppy opens the front door to admit Benedict. A clap of thunder.

  Benedict Good evening, Mrs McCracken.

  Poppy Good evening, Mr Hough. Do come in. Let me take your …

  She helps him with his mac.

  Benedict Thank you. Good evening, Mr McCracken. Not the nicest of weather.

  Poppy No, terrible. Do come through.

  Benedict Thank you.

  Poppy leads him through to the sitting room. Jack hangs up his coat and follows.

  What a beautiful house this is.

  Poppy Thank you. Do sit down.

  Benedict Thank you.

  They sit. Jack joins them. He remains hostile to Benedict.

  May I say how delighted I am that things have worked out.

  Poppy Yes, it’s good they have, isn’t it?

  Slight pause.

  Benedict (with a look at Poppy) Do you want me to …?

  Jack You carry on, Mr Hough. I keep no secrets from my wife. She’s an equal part of the team.

  Benedict And a very decorative one, too, if I may say so. (Favours Poppy with a leer.) Well. As soon as I received your telephone call last Thursday confirming my appointment to investigate this matter, I set certain inquiries in motion.

  Poppy That’s quick work. I’d no idea you’d already started.

  Benedict Oh, I haven’t. Not officially. I don’t officially start till next Monday. That was the earliest I could without it looking –

  Jack Pre-arranged.

  Poppy I see.