Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Jack I am just – boggled … I mean …

  Desmond (hopefully) You don’t think Jack could get him for five hundred, do you?

  Anita Never.

  Cliff Jack ought to do it, though.

  Jack What?

  Anita Yes, you’ll have to be the one to deal with it, Jack.

  Jack You want me to do the bribing as well?

  Anita Seriously. It’ll have to be you.

  Jack (rising in fury) That’s it. No more. Not another word …

  Cliff Wait a second, Jack. Wait a sec …

  Anita It has to be you, Jack. You’re employing the man.

  Jack Good day. I am leaving now before I commit damage.

  Desmond (vainly) Jack! Don’t go that way, please …

  Jack Goodbye.

  Despite their protests, Jack stamps out through the hall and out of the front door, which he shuts with a thunderous slam. From the sitting room, the dog starts yapping. They look alarmed.

  Harriet (shouting angrily from the sitting room) Who did that?

  Desmond Quickly. Out the back.

  Desmond goes swiftly to the back door, opens it and starts shooing his remaining guests out. As he does this, a furious Harriet comes out into the hall.

  Harriet Someone did that deliberately … Deliberately … (She goes back into the far sitting room.)

  Desmond Quickly …

  Roy Don’t forget your Hot Pot …

  Desmond (turning, appalled) Oh, my God, My Hot Pot!

  Harriet returns to the hall clasping the dog basket. She opens the front door. There is no one there. Desmond searches about for his oven gloves.

  Harriet Deliberately … You did that deliberately!

  Harriet goes out of the front door closing it behind her. Desmond works to salvage his meal. He opens the oven and withdraws a blackened, smoking, open casserole dish of what was once Lancashire Hot Pot. Harriet, meanwhile, has come round the house to the back door, still clasping the dog basket.

  (as she approaches) Desmond! I will never forgive you for this, Desmond …

  She appears in the back doorway.

  Desmond (turning to her, the casserole still in his hands) Harriet, I’m sorry I …

  Harriet sees what he is holding and recoils in horror, covering her mouth with her hand to stifle a scream. Then, overcome with nausea, she rushes back into the garden with a final, terrible moan. Desmond follows her out, clasping his ruined casserole to him like a child.

  Harriet …?

  It is now evening and we are back at Jack’s and Poppy’s. Tina, dressed to go out for the evening, comes from the dining room. She carries a children’s picture/story book. She starts up the stairs. As she does so, Poppy comes out of the spare bedroom (i.e. not Samantha’s). She is wearing, just a trifle self-consciously perhaps, one of the dresses Anita has given her. A child’s voice is heard from the spare bedroom.

  Poppy All right, Mummy’s coming. Stay in bed.

  Samantha comes into the kitchen through the open back door. She is wearing her school clothes and a motorcycle helmet. She carries a piece of electrical equipment – we can’t tell what it is – wrapped up in an old sheet. A plug dangles from a mains lead, which is the only indication as to what it might be. Samantha places her load on the kitchen table, having checked the coast is clear. She now hurries out again, leaving the door open. Tina and Poppy meet on the landing.

  Oh, he’s been calling for you …

  Tina It’s all right, I’ll read him this. It’s so boring it always sends us both off to sleep. He hasn’t woken Michelle, has he?

  Poppy No, she’s well away. I’m sorry they’ve got to be in the same room tonight but I couldn’t face Sammy again …

  Tina It’s all right. It’s not a problem (regarding Poppy) That’s really nice, you know, that suits you.

  Poppy (doubtfully) You sure? I think it probably looked better on Anita …

  Tina Why? Why should it? You’ve got as good a figure as she has.

  Poppy Oh, I haven’t really. (studying herself) I think I’m a bit too old for it really.

  Tina Rubbish. You look amazing. Really.

  Poppy Really?

  Tina Really.

  Poppy (still doubtful) Well, (then, giving up worrying) You and Roy going to the cinema, did you say?

  Samantha, helmetless, comes back into the kitchen under the next.

  Tina Yes. We haven’t been for years. Be nice. We’re going to see – oh, what’s it called – you know. With whatsisname. With the – with the thing. You know.

  Poppy That’ll be nice.

  Tina Yes.

  Samantha shuts the back door. The sound of a two-stroke motorcycle starting up and receding is heard.

  Poppy Well, I (Stops as she hears this. Calling) Sammy? Is that you?

  Samantha freezes in the kitchen. They listen.

  I thought that was her.

  Tina Late, isn’t she?

  Poppy You know what that school’s like. All these societies and clubs and things. She often stays on late. She’s got a friend who gives her a lift home.

  Tina Eastwood. Clint Eastwood.

  Poppy That’s the one. I must go down. Jack’ll be back soon. He’s got this man coming.

  She starts downstairs.

  Tina (stopping her) Roy told me, you know, about all that at work.

  Poppy Oh, did he? I didn’t know if he’d –

  Tina Yes. Last night. (smiling) I don’t know, I’m sure …

  Poppy (half amused, despite herself) Terrible, isn’t it? I mean, all that going on. And your Uncle Desmond as well.

  Tina And Uncle Cliff.

  Poppy What a family, eh?

  Tina And Auntie ’Nita.

  Poppy Yes, well. Her. I don’t think anything would surprise me any more as far as she’s concerned.

  A child calls from the spare bedroom.

  Tina (calling to the bedroom) All right, I’m coming, love. (to Poppy) You know it’s awful really but – ever since Roy told me about all this business and him being involved – I sort of respect him more for it. Not less. Isn’t that awful?

  Poppy Well … It is, really.

  Tina I mean, I’d – I’d got really sick of him, I can’t tell you. I mean, that’s dreadful, isn’t it? The man I loved – had my children with – promised to share my life with – and my heart used to sink when I heard him at the door. I mean, some evenings I used to sit and pray he’d been run over, just so’s we wouldn’t have to talk to each other … There. Isn’t that awful? I feel so ashamed even saying it. But now all this business. Well, he can’t be completely daft, can he? Otherwise he couldn’t … Well, if you’re going to be a criminal you’ve got to have some sort of brain, haven’t you? I mean, any fool can be honest, can’t they? You know what I mean?

  Poppy (doubtfully) Yes, I think so. I don’t know your Dad would agree, though.

  Tina (laughing) Well, he wouldn’t, would he? That makes him out a complete idiot, doesn’t it?

  Poppy (laughing with her) True.

  A child calls again from the spare bedroom.

  Tina All right, Kevin, here I come.

  She moves off along the landing. Poppy starts downstairs and goes into the sitting room to turn on a couple of lights. Samantha listens till she is sure her mother is in there.

  (as she goes into the bedroom) What do you want, darling?

  Samantha picks up her bundle from the kitchen table and starts upstairs. Poppy comes out of the sitting room with the ice bucket on her way to the kitchen.

  Poppy Sammy?

  Samantha (nonchalantly) Oh hallo, Mum.

  Poppy You’re late, aren’t you?

  Samantha I had a meeting.

  Poppy Oh, that’s nice. Which one was it tonight?

  Samantha The Musical Appreciation Society.

  Poppy Lovely. What have you got there?

  Samantha Gramophone records. My friend lent them to me.

  Poppy Well, don’t play them too loud, will you?


  Samantha No.

  Poppy Use the headphones Uncle Cliff gave you.

  Samantha continues up the stairs. Poppy goes into the kitchen and fills the ice bucket. Tina, at the same moment, comes out of the bedroom with an empty water glass.

  Tina (calling behind her) Well, you’re not having much more of this or you’ll wet the bed … Oh hallo, Sammy.

  Samantha (scowling) Oh no. You haven’t dumped your foul, horrible, disgusting baby in my room again, have you?

  Tina No, I have not. And don’t be so rude. She is very beautiful. What have you got there?

  Samantha Nothing.

  Tina What? What have you stolen now?

  Samantha Don’t tell Mum.

  She unwraps the bundle partially to reveal its contents.

  Tina Whatever is it?

  Samantha CD player. Compact disc.

  Tina Sammy! Honestly, you’re mad. Haven’t you got enough sound gear already? It’s like Abbey Road Studios, your room.

  Samantha I’m not having this, I’m reselling it.

  Tina Why?

  Samantha Because I need the money, that’s why.

  Tina What for?

  Samantha To buy things.

  Tina What things?

  Samantha Things. Mind your own business. (Pause.) Things.

  Tina Oh, Sammy, you’re not into that, are you?

  Samantha Into what?

  Tina You know what I’m talking about. Those things – whatever you call them. Drugs. Are you into drugs?

  Samantha Sssh! No.

  Tina Truthfully.

  Samantha No! Not seriously, anyway.

  Tina Sammy, they’re terribly dangerous. They keep telling you … They can kill you, you know.

  Samantha So can picking your nose with a screwdriver …

  Tina Oh, don’t be so childish …

  Samantha Look, you don’t know anything about it. It’s only if you do it regularly. I’m not going to do it regularly. I can’t afford to, anyway.

  Tina Sammy …

  Samantha Bugger off, Tina. Go and pot your baby …

  Samantha goes into her bedroom and shuts the door. Tina looks worried. She goes into the bathroom, fills the water glass and then returns to the other bedroom. As she does this, Jack enters through the back door. He is wearing his coat and carries an attaché case which he clutches rather tightly, while holding it slightly away from him as though it were red hot. Cliff follows a little way behind. He has on his driving gloves but no coat. He carries a heavy-looking adjustable spanner.

  Poppy (going to kiss him) Hallo, love. Just in time for a drink.

  Jack Oh, good. I – er – brought Cliff back.

  Cliff appears round the door.

  Cliff Hallo.

  Poppy Oh hallo, Cliff.

  Cliff Hallo.

  An awkward pause.

  Poppy How was your day, then?

  Jack What?

  Poppy Your day. How was it?

  Jack Oh, my day? My day was fine, yes.

  Pause.

  Cliff Nice dress.

  Poppy Thank you. (Slight pause.) It’s your wife’s.

  Cliff Really? I don’t think I’ve seen it before. I must have been glancing at my watch while she was wearing it. (He laughs.)

  Poppy Are you going to take your coat off, Jack?

  Jack Oh, yes.

  Poppy (helping him) Here. Cliff? Can I – take your … (Eyes his spanner.) No … you want to keep all that, do you?

  Cliff Yes, thanks.

  Poppy Well, shall we move through to somewhere more comfortable, shall we?

  Jack (starting to move into the hall) Right.

  Cliff does not move.

  Poppy Cliff?

  Jack No, Cliff’ll stay there.

  Cliff I’ll stay here.

  Poppy What, in the kitchen?

  Cliff Fine.

  Poppy (baffled) Yes. Suit yourself. Would you like a drink?

  Jack No.

  Cliff No.

  Poppy No. I can leave the light on, can I?

  Jack No.

  Cliff No.

  Jack But leave the door.

  Cliff Please.

  Poppy Yes …

  Poppy is mystified. Jack stands awkwardly in the hall, still clutching his attaché case for dear life. Cliff paces round the kitchen a couple of times and finally sits.

  Jack, what’s going on? Why’s Cliff …?

  Jack Sssh. Come in here a second.

  He indicates the sitting room.

  Poppy Just a minute.

  Poppy goes to hang up Jack’s coat. Jack puts the briefcase down on the table and stares at it.

  (from the hall) Did you say you wanted a drink?

  Jack Yes, I did. Thanks.

  Poppy I’ll get you one.

  Jack produces a key and swiftly unlocks the attaché case. A few bundles often pound notes spill on to the floor. He stuffs them back in the case and stares at the contents in horror. Then, shaking his head in disbelief, he closes the case again as he hears Poppy returning with the drinks. She Stares at him.

  You all right?

  Jack Cheers.

  Poppy Cheers.

  They drink.

  Jack I’ve got this – man – turning up in a minute.

  Poppy Mr Hough? Yes, you told me.

  Jack Did I?

  Poppy On the phone.

  Jack Oh, yes.

  Poppy At lunchtime. (Slight pause.) What’s that?

  Jack What’s what?

  Poppy (indicating) That. What’s that?

  Jack That? That’s a – that’s a briefcase.

  Poppy Is it yours?

  Jack No.

  Poppy Oh. What’s in it, then?

  Jack Nothing. Just paper. Bits of – bits of paper.

  He stares at the attaché case unhappily.

  Poppy Jack, you’re lying, I know you are. Tell me. We never lie to each other. What have you got there? Tell me.

  Jack It’s – only money. Just money. That’s all.

  Poppy Money? How much money?

  Jack (hoarsely) Masses. Masses and masses and masses of money. Quite frankly, I have never seen quite so much money in one small space. It makes your eyes water, I can tell you.

  Poppy (awed) Jack, what have you done?

  Jack Nothing.

  Poppy You didn’t steal it, did you?

  Jack (indignantly) Of course I didn’t steal it.

  Poppy I’m sorry. Of course you didn’t. I don’t know what I’m saying …

  Jack It’s just to – it’s just to pay Mr Hough, that’s all. When he comes. I’m going to have to pay him.

  Poppy Jack, what’s happening? Suitcases full of money and people hiding in the kitchen with spanners …?

  Jack That’s just protection, love. Cliff’s my protection, that’s all.

  Poppy You never used to need protection –

  Jack No, well, this is a special circumstance. I’m walking around with a lot of … It’s a one-off, I promise. I pay him the money. Clear the family name. Then that’s it. No more. Back to normal. I’m having no more of this, I can tell you. I’m really not, Poppy.

  Poppy I wish I believed that.

  Jack It’s true. This is the last bloody favour I’m doing that lot, I can promise you.

  Slight pause.

  Poppy It’s my fault. I got you into this.

  Jack That’s rubbish.

  Poppy You should never have listened to me. They say this is what happens. Right through history. With all great men. Brought down by a woman. I’m just like whatsername in the Bible …

  Jack What are you talking about?

  Poppy (tearfully) Whatever she’s called. You know, the one with the scissors … I’m as bad as her …

  Jack Poppy, I don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about, I’m sorry. Scissors? Look, I’ll deal with this bloke and then, if you like, why don’t we both …?

  The doorbell rings.

  Oh, hell …


  Poppy All right. I’ll let him in.

  Cliff opens the kitchen door cautiously.

  Cliff (calling across the hall to Jack in the sitting room) All right, Jack?

  Jack (urgently) Stay in there! I’ll shout if I need you …

  Poppy goes to the front door. Jack paces about nervously and arranges the case on the coffee table. Poppy admits Benedict.

  Benedict (heartily) Good evening, Mrs McCracken. My, don’t we look attractive tonight?

  Poppy Do we? Thank you very much, Mr Hough.

  She relieves him of his coat.

  Benedict I believe your husband is expecting me.

  Poppy Yes, indeed he is. (leading him towards the sitting room) Can I get you a drink of any sort, Mr Hough?

  Benedict Well, perhaps a small gin with just a dab of tonic would be very pleasant … Ah, good evening, Mr McCracken.

  Jack Mr Hough.

  Jack invites him to sit. Benedict does so. Poppy goes and pours Benedict his drink.

  Benedict I trust you’ve had a good day?

  Jack Yes. Thank you. And you?

  Benedict Extremely successful, I’m pleased to say, Mr McCracken.

  Jack (disappointed) Oh. Good.

  Benedict I think you’re going to react to some of my findings with some consternation, Mr McCracken. Probably even a little shock …

  Jack Really?

  Benedict (slyly) Unless, of course, you’ve already heard something?

  Jack Depends what you’ve heard, Mr Hough.

  Benedict Precisely. (Laughs.) We shall see.

  Poppy has entered and now hands him his drink.

  Thank you so much, Mrs McCracken.

  Jack Thanks a lot, love. Don’t hang around on our account. I know there’s things you want to be seeing to …

  Poppy (who was about to sit down) What? Oh. So there are. Yes.

  Benedict Aren’t you staying with us to …?

  Jack No.

  Poppy No. I have – things to be getting on with. In the kitchen. Excuse me.

  Benedict Of course.

  Poppy leaves, seems a little lost as to where she should go. She contemplates the kitchen but, remembering Cliff is there, she finally opts for the dining room.