Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Geain (backing away from Nan’s outstretched hand) Get off. Get her off me.

  Nan Off we go. I’ve got a big surprise for you out here, Geain.

  Before anyone can stop them, Nan has dragged the protesting Geain off to the kitchen.

  Corinna (somewhat alarmed) Geain won’t drink orange juice, Jerome …

  Jerome Hang on, I’ll stop her, I’ll …

  He makes to follow them.

  Mervyn (quite forcefully, for him) No, no, no, no, no.

  Jerome stops.

  Jerome What?

  Mervyn Leave them together. Please. The very best thing that can happen. A chance for them to get to know each other.

  Jerome Yes, but – she wasn’t supposed to do all that – she –

  Mervyn Please. Trust my judgement. I am trained in these matters.

  Corinna She’ll never get Geain to drink orange juice, I can tell you that.

  Mervyn Then they will no doubt resolve matters between them. Geain will tell Zoë no, thank you, Zoë, I do not want orange juice, thank you very much indeed, I would like a glass of milk. Or somesuch.

  Corinna Or somesuch.

  Mervyn And Zoë will no doubt defer to Geain’s request and give her what she wants –

  Jerome Possibly.

  Mervyn And that way a bond will be formed between them. We call that, in my line of work, a Self-Seeding Relationship.

  There is a crash from the kitchen.

  Nan (off) Oh, for goodness’ sake, you extremely stupid old bat. Who put that there, then?

  Jerome makes to go off again.

  Jerome I’d better just go and –

  Mervyn No, no, no. Please, please, Mr Watkins. Trust me.

  Jerome It’s just, you see, that Zoë isn’t –

  Mervyn No, I appreciate that. Zoë is not used to youngsters and she’ll have to learn as she goes. No doubt she’ll make mistakes. Being human, it would be extraordinary if she didn’t.

  Jerome It would.

  Mervyn But what’s happening out there is a mutual exploration process. Now, please. Leave them to explore each other. Let’s all sit down, keep calm and allow nature to take its course.

  They sit. A silence. A crash.

  Corinna Jerome, she’ll kill her. If you leave them together, she’ll kill her.

  Mervyn Oh, come now –

  Corinna Well, we could at least listen to them, couldn’t we? See they’re all right? I take it the rooms are still wired for sound? Did you know, Mr Bickerdyke, he records everything? Be careful. When Geain and I lived here – every word, every breath we took was recorded and played back to us.

  Jerome Nonsense.

  Corinna It’s true.

  Jerome I never played half of it back to you.

  Mervyn (who has been listening more towards the kitchen) They seem very quiet now. I’m sure things are going to be fine. We mustn’t expect results straightaway but – it’s a start.

  Corinna I still don’t think she should be left out there alone with her …

  Jerome I don’t know. Maybe it’s all right. Zoë’s – very gentle …

  Corinna I’m talking about Geain. Nobody tells Geain what to drink. I’ve still got this bruise where she kicked me because I bought the wrong biscuits.

  Jerome I hope she doesn’t try and kick Zoë.

  Corinna Yes, she’s turned into a right little thug, your daughter. First suggestion she isn’t going to get her own way, she punches and kicks. Good luck. That’s all I can say. Maybe you’ll have more success with your child than I have.

  Another crash from the kitchen.

  Jerome Let me get one thing clear. That – thing in there is no relation of mine – that transvestite truck driver …

  Mervyn Mr Watkins –

  Jerome (with a cry) What have you done with my little girl? I want my little girl. I’ve never seen that thing before. (yelling at Corinna) What is it? I don’t want that. Take it away! Screw it back on the church roof where it belongs …

  Mervyn Mr Watkins, will you please control yourself?

  Jerome is silent.

  Corinna It’s all right, Mr Bickerdyke, I’m accustomed to these outbursts, believe me. In reply to your question, Jerome, I have done nothing – because there was nothing that I or anyone else could do. Geain does what Geain likes and stuff the rest of the world. I can’t think who she – sorry he – inherits that particularly unpleasant side of his nature from, so we can only hazard a guess. But he – she – it does what it likes. It goes to school, it has friends, it wants to be like its friends. If its friends choose to dress up like that, I can’t stop it. Because, as it explains to me, if it doesn’t dress up like its friends then it won’t have any friends any more. I have to admit that it’s not a great deal of fun having a female male chauvinist kicking me all day, demanding to be waited on hand and foot and referring to me as a dozy cow. But looking at some of the alternatives it might have chosen, I’ve decided to grin and bear it. Now if you want to try and alter her, you’re welcome to try. Go ahead. Please. Because I really do need help, Jerome. I can’t do it alone. I really believed, after I left you, that I could cope with anything. I was wrong. I cannot cope with Geain as she is now. Maybe in a few years, when she’s … There you are, I admit it. And I am shocked by my own inadequacy. I am even a little ashamed. It’s made a trifle more bearable because I’m absolutely certain that nobody else, in these circumstances, could have coped any better than I did.

  Mervyn (gently) I’m sure you’ve done everything that a single parent could, Corinna.

  A brief silence.

  It’s very quiet out there, isn’t it?

  Before they can move. Nan comes back from the kitchen. She waits by the doorway.

  Nan Here she is, Mummy. Here she is, Daddy.

  Geain comes in slowly from the kitchen. She looks slightly dazed. Her face is now clean‚ almost gleaming. She has on a too-long nightdress. She carries a large frilly doll in her arms.

  Jerome (muttering) Oh, my God …

  Corinna (stunned) Geain!

  Mervyn Well …

  Nan And what are we going to sing, Geain?

  Geain scowls.

  Geain. (prompting her) ‘Baa baa …’

  Geain I’m not saying that …

  Nan All together.

  Baa baa black sheep, whither do you wander?

  Four and twenty blackbirds baked on a tuffet – good –

  The little dog laughed to see such fun

  And said what a good boy am I. Woof! Moo! Well done.

  Nan claps. The others follow suit in a perplexed manner.

  Geain (not without admiration) She’s mad.

  Mervyn That’s a new one on me, certainly. (He laughs.)

  Nan (laughing, taking hold of Geain’s hand) Now we’re off to bed. Goodnight, everyone. Say goodnight.

  Geain I’m not saying goodnight.

  Nan (dragging her away) That’s it.

  Geain (struggling vainly as they go) I can’t go to bed now, you dumb woman …

  They go off to the bedrooms. A cry from Geain.

  Nan (off) Oh, for goodness sake, you extremely stupid old bat. Who put that there, then?

  They stare at each other.

  Mervyn Well, I must say. In all my years, I’ve – What a remarkable woman. Quite remarkable.

  Jerome is aware that Corinna is quite upset.

  Jerome Well, it’s – it’s just part of her – basic – original – I mean it was there already in her, you see …

  Mervyn As it is within all women, Mr Watkins. All women. (A pause.) Well, that’s a problem solved.

  Corinna Would you think it terribly rude of me, Mr Bickerdyke, if I were to ask you to leave us alone for a moment.

  Mervyn Ah, well …

  Corinna Actually, I don’t really care if you do find it terribly rude of me. Would you go, anyway.

  Mervyn (springing up) Yes, of course. I’ll – I’ll wait in the (indicating the kitchen).

  Jerome The k
itchen.

  Mervyn I’ll wait in there, shall I? I have to phone my – Yes. Excuse me. (He takes a handful of sandwiches as he goes.) Excuse me.

  Mervyn goes to the kitchen. Corinna and Jerome are silent for a second.

  Corinna All I want to say is – I think I’ll leave now. Quietly. I’ll leave Geain with you and Zoë. All right?

  Jerome Ah.

  Corinna Well, that’s what you’d like, isn’t it? That’s what you wanted?

  Jerome Yes.

  Corinna I mean obviously she’ll have to return to me – at some point – she has to go back to school for one thing. But she could stay here for a couple of weeks, anyway. See how it works out.

  Jerome You’re happy to do that? You think that’s best?

  Corinna Frankly, Jerome, I feel so demoralized I don’t know what I think. All I actually feel like doing is crying. I mean, that woman’s done more with that kid in five minutes than I managed in five years.

  Jerome That’s just her being a stranger, she –

  Corinna I might have been able to cope with that, if Zoë’d at least been – terribly plain or – homely – or … I thought for one glorious moment she was actually very dim. But then, of course, it turns out she isn’t. She’s obviously very intelligent, shrewd, cool, sexy, wonderful with kids, a great actress, singer, dancer, terrific in bed – the only thing she lies about are her cakes – and it’s bloody unfair, Jerome. (She starts to cry.)

  Jerome Oh now, come on –

  Corinna How can it be allowed to happen? After all you’ve done? All the rotten, traitorous, lousy, underhand things you’ve done to me. What right have you to somebody like that? You’re a bastard, Jerome. You’re barely human. What have you ever done in your life to deserve anyone?

  Jerome Well, I can’t answer that … I really can’t.

  Corinna There is no justice. That’s all. None. Here’s me – (She sniffs.) I haven’t found anyone, do you know that? Nobody.

  Jerome Ah, that’s only because you have very high standards. Quite rightly …

  Corinna I’ve got no standards at all. Not any more. I’ll take anyone who’s available. I’m a forty-year-old bank manager who sits crying in her office. What use is that to anybody? Do you know I gave a man a loan the other day solely on the grounds that I wanted to go to bed with him?

  Jerome My God. And did you?

  Corinna Of course I didn’t. I found out he only borrowed the money so he could get married. I’m losing my judgement, I’m losing my confidence and then that bloody child comes home from school and kicks me because of a packet of biscuits. I can’t cope any more. I just want to go somewhere and lie down.

  Jerome stares at her, amazed.

  (amused, despite herself, by his expression) There! I bet you never thought you’d hear me talking like this. (Pause.) How did she get Geain to wash? I never got her to wash. She stank to high heaven. Sweat is macho. Well. Tell Zoë to keep up the good work. I’ll collect the exciting Mr Bickerdyke and slink away.

  Jerome Yes. Well, you never know your luck, you may –

  Corinna Don’t you dare. Don’t even suggest it. I have a fragment of pride left. Well, cheer up. You’re not allowed to be miserable. You’ve got what you wanted, haven’t you?

  Jerome Yes.

  Corinna As you usually do. (Pause.) I’ll tell you something amusing, shall I? You know, half the reason I came here was to see how you felt about – felt about, you know, coming back.

  Jerome Coming back?

  Corinna Yes, I – well, when I thought you were still on your own here, I thought that we might all three get together. Have another go. But I didn’t know about Zoë, of course. Now she’s staked her claim, I don’t think I could compete with that. Not the state I’m in at present. (Pause.)Still, I thought that would amuse you. (Pause. She rises.)

  Jerome (slowly) Just a second …

  Corinna I’ll call Mr Bickerdyke.

  Jerome Wait …

  Corinna I don’t think there’s much else to say, Jerome.

  Jerome There’s something I need to tell you. Please.

  Corinna No, I don’t want to hear about –

  Jerome No, you see, things are not – altogether as they seem. The reason Zoë is here at all is because – I needed someone here – to impress you.

  Corinna Well, she did, well done.

  Jerome No, that’s the only reason she’s here, you see, so that you and Mr Bickerdyke – so you’d let Geain stay here. Because it looked OK.

  Corinna What exactly are you saying? Are you saying that Zoë is only here for our benefit?

  Jerome Yes.

  Corinna She isn’t here normally?

  Jerome No.

  Corinna Then who is she?

  Jerome She’s – she’s an actress. She really is an actress. This is just a – short engagement. So to speak.

  Corinna What did you do, hire her?

  Jerome Right.

  Corinna (staring at him) I see. I see. (She is exercising a great effort of self-control.)

  Jerome (watching her, apprehensively) So that’s OK, then, isn’t it? I mean, now you don’t have to be upset. Do you? You don’t need to feel jealous of Zoë. Or – or inadequate. Or unattractive. She’s just an actress – who – who looks good and can handle children. But she’s nothing compared with you. I mean, if you’d only said you – you wanted us to – Well, that’s great. You know, that’s what I wanted? Isn’t that amazing? That’s exactly what I wanted. There we were, the two of us – both wanting the same thing – and … Isn’t life sometimes little short of miraculous? (Pause.) Alleluiah!

  Corinna (icily) I hope you’re recording all of this, Jerome. You’ll no doubt have such a good laugh playing it back to yourself later. (calling) Mr Bickerdyke.

  Jerome What the hell’s the matter, now?

  Corinna Mr Bickerdyke!

  Mervyn returns from the kichen. He is putting away his phone.

  Mervyn Coming. Just talking to the wife. We’re having a dinner party tonight. My big chief is coming. With her husband. My wife reckons my chief is after me for bigger things. I said to my wife, I don’t care what she’s after so long as it isn’t my body. (He laughs.)

  Corinna (frostily) We’re just leaving, Mr Bickerdyke.

  Mervyn When you’re ready. All settled?

  Jerome Leaving? I thought –

  Corinna I’ll just fetch Geain. She must get dressed, (calling as she goes) Geain!

  Mervyn Geain! But I thought …

  Corinna goes off towards the bedrooms.

  What’s happening? I thought Geain was staying.

  Jerome Yes. Things seem to have … changed. Something seems to have caused Corinna to change her mind.

  Mervyn Yes? Well – strictly between us, Mr Watkins – your ex-wife appears to me to be a woman operating under some considerable inner stress.

  Jerome Yes?

  Mervyn Not, if you’ll pardon my humour, quite the woman you’d want to see handling your investments. (He laughs.)

  Corinna returns.

  Corinna Right. I’ve called her.

  Mervyn What’s caused the change of plan, may I inquire?

  Corinna I’m afraid, Mr Bickerdyke, we’ve both been the victim of one of my husband’s practical jokes.

  Mervyn We have?

  Corinna Zoë is not what she appears. She was merely rented by Jerome for the afternoon. She doesn’t belong here and she doesn’t live here.

  Mervyn But why –? (to Jerome) Why did you do that?

  Corinna To deceive you, Mr Bickerdyke, and to make a fool of me. That’s why.

  Jerome That is not why I did it –

  Corinna (calling) Geain! If we leave now, Jerome, you can send your actress home early. You may even get some of your money back. I presume she’s rented by the hour.

  Jerome I don’t understand you. I thought you’d be pleased.

  Corinna Delighted. Thank you so much.

  Mervyn I don’t follow this? I don’t follow this
at all.

  Geain appears, still in her ‘nightdress’, holding Nan’s hand. They stop in the doorway.

  Corinna Come along, Geain, there’s been a slight confusion, we’re going home.

  Jerome Just a second, just a second …

  Mervyn Now, let me get this straight. Are we saying that this woman, that Zoë is not living here with you? She is not a permanent companion but someone you have rented …?

  Jerome I don’t see that the terms on which she’s staying here make the blindest bit of difference, anyway.

  Mervyn No difference?

  Jerome Either she’s suitable or she isn’t suitable. It doesn’t make any difference whether I’m paying her.

  Mervyn I hardly think that argument holds water –

  Corinna Of course it doesn’t. Don’t waste your breath. Come on.

  Mervyn I mean, you may as well say there’s no difference between a legal wife and a prostitute –1 don’t think I can accept that argument …

  Jerome Let me tell you that that – that woman (waves his hand in Nan’s direction) – has more dignity, more sense of loyalty and responsibility than any other fifty women you can name put together …

  Corinna You? What do you know about women …?

  Jerome (to Mervyn) Anyway, what’s made you change your mind all of a sudden? You liked her well enough –

  Mervyn Ah, yes, but this was before I’d heard …

  Jerome Couldn’t keep your eyes off her, could you? Ogling and leering at her, your mouth stuffed with cake, you grubby little berk …

  Mervyn Now, now, now, now …

  Corinna Will you stop this?

  Mervyn If you think that a remark of that sort will do your case one ounce of good –

  Jerome (simultaneously) If we’re having to rely on decisions from people like you, matey, what’s it matter anyway? The ship’s already sinking.

  Corinna (loudly, silencing them) Will you shut up, both of you!

  A silence.