Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Jill helps herself to coffee.

  Douglas I did a very good sprint round the local park for you, though, didn’t I? We got that in one take, didn’t we? I’m looking forward to seeing that. I ran for miles, Kenneth, you’ve no idea. Nearly killed me. Go on, the crew kept shouting, keep going. (He laughs.) I’m looking forward to that.

  Jill Well, we may have to leave that bit out, Mr Beechey –

  Douglas Oh, dear.

  Jill We’ve got so much wonderful stuff already.

  Douglas The crew will be disappointed. It was their idea, wasn’t it?

  Jill Yes. (beaming at him with her best professional smile) Anyway. You’re here. That’s the main thing. What are your first impressions then, Mr Beechey? Of this place?

  Kenny Glorious.

  Jill (irritably) What?

  Douglas Quite right. Glorious. I couldn’t have put it better myself. I must say, I’ve always heard tell of the dazzling world of show business, but this is the first time I’ve ever experienced it.

  Jill You wouldn’t mind it yourself?

  Douglas I certainly wouldn’t.

  Jill How do you feel about someone like, say, Vic having it?

  Douglas Lucky him, that’s what I say.

  Jill You don’t feel it’s wrong that he should have something like this and you don’t?

  Douglas I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow, how do you mean? Is that a socialist question …?

  Kenny What are you trying to get him to say, Jilly?

  Douglas Because I’m not a socialist. Actually, I’m not quite sure what I am just at present. The past few years I have been consciously withholding my vote –

  Jill So you don’t feel just a little bit jealous?

  Douglas Certainly not.

  Jill Not the teeniest bit?

  Douglas No.

  Jill Honestly?

  Kenny Jill, the man’s just said, he’s not jealous –

  Douglas (cheerfully) Oh, don’t worry. She’s always going on at me like this …

  Jill I’m sorry, I simply cannot believe that after what happened Mr Beechey can sit here among all this – wealth – these spoils of the good life –

  Kenny Come on, Jilly, it’s one poky, run-of-the-mill villa in the middle of hundreds – it’s no big deal –

  Jill Maybe not to you or Vic or me it isn’t. But to someone like Mr Beechey, it’s beyond his wildest dreams …

  Kenny What are you talking about? This place is littered with people like Mr Beechey –

  Douglas Do call me Douglas, please …

  Kenny The place is populated by Mr Beecheys. You can barely move for Beecheys, don’t talk nonsense.

  Jill (angrily indicating Douglas) If you had seen – if you had seen, by contrast, the dingy little house this man is forced to live in. On the edge of a roaring main trunk road – rooms the size of this table – fading wallpaper … worn carpets … God! (She shudders.) Sorry, Mr Beechey, but …

  Douglas (without offence) We’re really both quite fond of it, actually.

  Jill (calming down) Just don’t try and kid me he wouldn’t prefer this if he were given a choice …

  Kenny And all I’m saying is, don’t hold this place up as some fantastic dream palace. It’s a perfectly ordinary holiday shack. A lot of people have one. Most people have one. If they’ve bothered to save up …

  Slight pause.

  Douglas Mind you, I think we’ve got used to that house over the years. You don’t notice the little drawbacks quite so much after a while. I must be honest, we have meant to do something about that hall carpet for some years. But it’s getting a good match with the stairs, you see. That’s the problem. They don’t really make that mauve any more. It means I have to keep bringing the samples home with me – because, of course, Nerys can’t face walking into Debenhams, certainly not on a Saturday morning.

  A silence.

  Kenny The man is just not the jealous type, Jill, forget it.

  Jill (with ill-concealed annoyance) So you have no feelings at all about this place, Mr Beechey? Like you appear not to have feelings about anything very much?

  Douglas Oh, I have feelings, Jill, I most certainly do. Very deep feelings. But I sincerely hope that envy is not one of them. Because envy in my book is a deadly sin and as a practising Christian, that is something I try to avoid.

  Jill Super. I’m glad to hear it. Well, perhaps you ought to tell me something you do feel strongly about and we’ll try and include that in the programme.

  Kenny Jill, come on …

  Jill Illegal parking on double yellow lines? Any good? Dogs fouling footpaths? Free double glazing for senior citizens?

  Douglas (thoughtfully) I suppose evil, really.

  Jill Evil?

  Douglas Yes. I feel strongly about that.

  Jill That’s it? Just evil?

  Douglas Yes. Only, it’s often hard to recognize. But there’s a lot of it about, you know.

  A silence. Suddenly, there in the garden gateway stands Vic Parks. A powerful man in his late forties. He has just come from the beach and is wearing shorts, sports shirt and canvas beach shoes. Holding shyly on to his hand is his elder child Cindy, a pretty little girl of seven. The others don’t immediately see him.

  Vic Good morning. Don’t we say good morning, then?

  Jill and Douglas rise. Kenny follows suit, rather more slowly.

  Jill (delightedly) Vic …

  Douglas (obediently) Good morning …

  Kenny (with them) About time …

  Vic (gently) Cindy, you get changed and then you take Timmy up the other end of the pool, all right? And look after him, OK?

  Cindy runs off again.

  (shouting after her) And do what Sharon says. You listen to Sharon, all right?

  Jill (embracing him) Hallo, Vic.

  Vic Hallo, how’s my girl?

  Jill Grateful you’ve decided to turn up.

  Vic Well, where are the cameras, then? Where’re the cameras? I thought this place would be a mass of people. Cameras, sound men, extra lighting rigs … Look at it, I ask you. Bugger all. I make my special entrance. Get dressed up specially …

  Jill I sent them off to do the mute shots. They’ll be back in an hour –

  Vic They’d better be. I came all the way up from the beach for this – (to Douglas) How do you do, Vic Parks. You’ll be –

  Jill This is Douglas Beechey –

  Douglas Hallo. Great to meet you. I’m a real fan –

  Vic Well, that’s very nice to hear. (to Jill) Listen, you’ll get the kids in somewhere, won’t you? Just one shot, eh?

  Jill Oh, sure …

  Vic Only I promised Timmy and Cindy they’d be on the telly, you see …

  Jill I was hoping you would let us use them …

  Vic Just one shot. (to Douglas) Have you got kids?

  Douglas No, no. But I watch your programme. I watch Ask Vic every Tuesday –

  Vic (to Kenny) Now, isn’t that interesting? Here’s another example …

  Ruy, who has finished raking the swimming pool, has entered and is crossing to the back gate.

  Morning, Ruy, lad –

  Ruy (cheerily animated) Hallo, good morning, Mr Vic!

  Vic (to Jill and Douglas) You know, they did a survey as to what categories of kids make up the viewing sample for Ask Vic and they actually found that – 15 per cent, wasn’t it?

  Kenny Thirteen and a half –

  Vic Nearly 15 per cent of our viewers were adults over the age of twenty-one –

  Kenny Age of eighteen –

  Vic Isn’t that incredible?

  Douglas Incredible.

  Vic No, you think about it for a minute. That’s a big percentage, that is, 15 per cent.

  Douglas Amazing.

  Vic Whereas my evening show – The Vic Parks Show – that is exclusively adult. Well, point oh-one per cent kids, or something. So there’s no cross spill the other way. Which I find very interesting.

  Kenny It is o
n at eleven o’clock at night, of course –

  Vic No. Even so.

  Douglas Yes, it’s a bit late for me, that one –

  Vic What, early riser, are you? (Claps him on the back.) Nothing like it. We were down there at what, six thirty this morning. Magic. Best time to be on a beach. First thing in the morning. Virgin sand, sun coming up, not too hot, clear blue sea … Now, have you all got what you want? Drink? Food? Anything? Where’s Trudy? Isn’t she looking after you? I told her to look after you. (calling into the house) Trudy! Where is she?

  Kenny Trudy’s just –

  Sharon Giffin has entered from the garden gate. A girl of about nineteen. Overweight and sadly graceless. She is at present in a sulk. She carries a couple of baskets with towels, toys, etc., which presumably they’ve brought back from the beach. She is wearing a wetsuit top under her beach robe.

  Vic Sharon, find Trudy. Tell her to come out here.

  Sharon (flatly) Yes, Mr Parks.

  Douglas (to Sharon) Hallo, I’m Douglas.

  Sharon (all but ignoring him) Hallo.

  Sharon goes into the house.

  Jill We’re being looked after fine, Vic. You don’t have to worry about us –

  Vic No, I can’t stand guests being left on their own. That’s terrible. I can’t stand that. (feeling the coffee pot) This is cold and all. (yelling) Marta! Marta! Sitting here drinking cold coffee. What the hell’s going on here? Marta! Come out here. Sit down. Go on. Sit down.

  They sit. Marta, a Spanish woman in her fifties, enters in a hurry from the house. Normally dark and brooding but, as with her husband Ruy, in the presence of Vic she is effusive and charming.

  Marta Yes, Mr Vic?

  Vic Marta, coffee. More coffee. Hot. More cups. Clean. Quickly. All right?

  Marta (taking the tray from the table) More coffee, more cups.

  Vic Hot coffee. Understand?

  Marta Hot coffee.

  Vic Hot not cold.

  Marta (hurring away) Hot not cold. Yes, Mr Vic.

  Marta goes. Vic sits at last, like someone about to hold court. Douglas is holding his old coffee cup. The occasional child’s shout is heard from the direction of the swimming pool.

  Vic Now then – that’s sorted that out … (seeing the children) Look at those two. Look at those kids.

  Douglas (smiling appreciatively) Ah …

  Vic You got kids, have you?

  Douglas Er – no …

  Vic Have some. You don’t know what you’re missing. (indicating Douglas’s cup) Leave that, she’s fetching some more –

  Douglas puts his cup down again, obediently.

  (indicating Kenny) I’m always telling him that. Kenny. He should have some.

  Kenny (uneasily) Well, it’s tricky …

  Jill Kenny’s gay, Vic. He doesn’t want kids.

  Vic Why not? What obstacle’s that? These days? Being a poof?

  Kenny Quite a bit actually. Anyway, I hate kids, I loathe the sight of them.

  Vic (to Jill) You should have some, too.

  Jill No, thanks. I’ll enjoy other people’s kids. Much nicer.

  Vic (only just joking) It’s unnatural not to. Every woman who can should have kids. Like every man who can should grow a beard. Everything you can do you ought to do. Before you die. That’s what we’re here for. Right?

  Jill Tell you what, I’ll grow my armpits and you have the baby, OK?

  Vic (mock disgusted) Dear, oh, dear. Right. What’s the plan? (to Jill) You’re going to make us two into telly stars, are you?

  He winks at Douglas. Douglas laughs appreciatively.

  Jill I thought the best way to go about this, Vic – with your approval, of course – is this morning, as soon as the boys come back, I’ll pick up one or two mute shots here. But perhaps we could spend now, we three, just briefly talking about what we want to talk about. And then this afternoon – (She hesitates as Vic rises and moves towards the house.) This after–

  Vic Carry on, Jill. Carry on, I’m listening …

  Jill (having to shout rather as Vic disappears) This afternoon, I could start by talking with the two of you, just to contrast how you’ve both fared over seventeen years –

  Vic (off, calling) Trudy! Trudy! (calling back to Jill) Seventeen years, yes, I’m listening …

  Jill (battling on) And perhaps – I don’t want to dwell on it too much – perhaps just recalling the last meeting between you both.

  Vic (off) Where are my bloody cigars?

  Trudy (off) They’re in the drawer, there.

  Vic (off) They are not in the drawer.

  Trudy (off) Well, they were there.

  Vic (off) Look at that. Look. Is that in the drawer? Is that what’s meant by in the drawer?

  Trudy (off) I know where they are, just a minute …

  Vic (off) Well, bring them out here. We’re trying to talk out here. Come on out. (Vic re-enters from the house.) Sorry, Jilly, sorry. I apologize. Carry on. (Jill opens her mouth to do so.) No, sorry, excuse me – before you do, let me say – Doug – Duggie – can I call you Doug?

  Douglas (delighted) Yes, of course –

  Vic Doug – this girl – discovered me. Can you believe that? This little kid – ankle socks – how old were you, then? Seventeen, something like that –

  Jill (rather coyly) I was older than that …

  Kenny Twenty-three, you were twenty-three when you met Vic –

  Jill Something like that.

  Vic This girl – she was – what? You were a local radio interviewer, weren’t you?

  Jill Right.

  Vic I’d just – like, come out, you know – and she’s doing this programme about – what was it? Old Lags’ Hour or something, wasn’t it?

  Vic winks at Douglas. Douglas laughs appreciatively. The whole of the following gets related rather for his benefit.

  No, seriously, it was a programme called – let me see Facing Things – right?

  Kenny Facing Up, it was called.

  Jill Facing Up.

  Vic Facing Up, he’s right –

  Jill About long-term prisoners coming to terms –

  Vic With the outside world …

  Jill And this man, his first time on radio –

  Vic The very first time I’d ever been on, this is –

  Jill By the time we’d finished I’d got enough tape fo about twenty-five programmes …

  Vic And then when I’m leaving – you left out the best bit – just when I’m leaving, wasn’t it?

  Jill Oh, yes, right – and then just as he’s leaving – leaving the studio – I’m absolutely exhausted by now, mind you – and he turns to me and he says –

  Vic (laughing) I said to her, what about my book then?

  Jill He says, you never asked me about my book.

  Jill, Vic and Kenny laugh. Douglas joins in, though it’s clear he doesn’t know what they’re all laughing about.

  He’s only written a bloody book as well …

  Vic My Life by Vic Parks. Written during Her Majesty’s Pleasure – and on Her Majesty’s stationery.

  Kenny (to Douglas) His biography.

  Douglas Oh, yes …

  Kenny The first one, that was –

  Vic The authorized version. It was a shocker, wasn’t it?

  Kenny Not the one you’ve read –

  Vic No, that’s the second one he must have read.

  Kenny That was Life as a Straight Man.

  Vic That only came out a year ago.

  Kenny Eighteen months –

  Douglas It seemed to be very popular at the library. There was quite a waiting list at the Purley Branch –

  Vic Five months at number one … Can’t be bad

  Douglas And you wrote that yourself? I mean, that was actually yourself writing, was it?

  Vic Er, more or less. More or less. They were mostly my words. That’s fair to say, isn’t it?

  Kenny That’s no lie.

  Vic There was just – someone else putting them in t
he right order for me.

  Kenny A little bit of help from John.

  Vic A little bit of help from John. Bless him. How is he, by the way?

  Kenny Much better.

  Vic Good. Good. Give him my love.

  Trudy comes out with a box of cigars and some matches.

  Trudy Here you are.

  Vic Ta. Sit down, sit down.

  Trudy No, I –

  Vic Sit down. We’re just remembering my first book. Did you ever read that?

  Trudy (sitting, rather reluctantly) No, I never read that one.

  Vic (to Jill) It was a shocker, wasn’t it? I don’t know how I had the nerve to show it –

  Jill Don’t knock it, now. That started you off, that book.

  Vic No, that was you, my darling. You started me off.

  Kenny She recognized star quality…

  Vic It was no thanks to that bloody book. I tried that, you know, with – must have been twenty-five publishers

  Jill But it was you reading that book that started your career. I mean, if some producer hadn’t heard you reading it on Pick of the Week, you’d never have got on Start the Week. And if you hadn’t done Start the Week they’d never have asked you to do Stop the Week, would they?

  Kenny Or Any Questions…

  Vic (modestly) True.

  Kenny Or The Book Programme. Or Did you See …?

  Vic True, true …

  Kenny And the rest is history…

  Jill Absolutely true.

  Pause, whilst they all consider Vic’s mercurial rise to fame. Marta comes out with a tray of fresh coffee and five cups. Trudy pours coffee during the next. Marta hovers behind her. The sound of the children’s shouts from the far end of the pool.

  Vic (shouting to them) Be careful now. Be careful, Cindy. Now, don’t push him.

  Trudy Are they all right?

  Vic They’re all right.

  Trudy Where’s Sharon? Shouldn’t she be with them?

  Vic She’s getting changed, I think.

  Trudy She should be with them…

  Vic They’re all right. Don’t fuss. I’m keeping an eye on them. (to Douglas) You got kids, did you say?

  Douglas No…