Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  Sharon returns from the swimming pool. Walking slowly, as before, she carries an armful of the children’s toys.

  Hey, Sharon …

  Sharon (stopping) Yes, Mr Parks?

  Vic Where’re Timmy and Cindy?

  Sharon They’re having their tea in the kitchen with Marta, Mr Parks.

  Vic Sit down, then.

  Sharon I’ve got to go and –

  Vic Sit down.

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Sharon sits, still holding on to the toys. She is obviously hotter than ever and slightly breathless.

  Vic Get your breath back.

  Sharon Thank you …

  Vic Look at her. Puffing like a grampus, aren’t you?

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Vic Sweat running off you. (to the others) Look at her. Have you ever seen anyone sweating like that? It’s dripping off her. I bet it’s running off you underneath there, isn’t it, eh? Eh?

  Sharon doesn’t reply.

  Running down your arms? Trickling down your legs? If there’s one thing I hate, it’s to see a woman sweating like that. It’s bad enough on a man, it’s obscene on a woman, don’t you agree?

  Sharon sits unhappily, Ruy crosses with another block of stone.

  I’ll tell you something, Sharon. Do you know why you’re sitting there, sweating like that? Do you know the reason why you’re sat there like a great bowl of pork dripping? Do you want to know the reason? Because you are overweight, girl. You are fat. Let’s face it, Sharon, you are a fat girl, aren’t you? A big, fat girl.

  Douglas Oh, I don’t think that’s fair, she’s just …

  Vic Here, let her tell you something, just a second. Sharon …

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks …

  Vic Shall we tell them why you’re so fat? Shall we? Shall we tell them your secret? It’s because you are greedy, isn’t it, Sharon? You eat too much. You are a guts. Aren’t you? You’re a glutton. Eh?

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks.

  Vic Tell them what you ate on your last birthday, Sharon. Tell them. This girl, she told me that last year on her birthday, she sat on her own, in her flat in wherever it was – Macclesfield –

  Sharon Huddersfield …

  Vic Huddersfield. She sat there all on her own, singing happy birthday to me and she ate … What did you eat, Sharon? Tell them what you ate, go on.

  Sharon (muttering) Twelve rum babas.

  Vic Come on, say it louder …

  Sharon (loudly) Twelve rum babas, Mr Parks.

  Vic Twelve rum babas. Can you imagine that? Turns you over, doesn’t it? Still, we’re working on you, aren’t we, Sharon? We’re slowly melting you down, aren’t we?

  Sharon Yes, Mr Parks …

  Vic Getting her fit. Giving her some exercise. Working it off her. What were you learning this morning then? What was I teaching you this morning, Sharon?

  Sharon Scuba diving, Mr Parks.

  Vic Scuba diving. She enjoyed that – didn’t you?

  Sharon Yes.

  Vic You should have seen her in her big black rubber suit flailing about in the water there, first thing. Like a big shiny, beached, humpbacked whale, weren’t you …

  Sharon suddenly starts to cry very quietly.

  Douglas Look, I’m sorry, this is very, very cruel and unnecessary and I really don’t think you should go on tormenting this girl simply because –

  Vic You mind your own business –

  Douglas (undaunted) – simply because she’s a shade overweight and obviously very self-conscious about it, anyway. It is cruel and it is hurtful and it is –

  Vic (suddenly yelling at him) I said, mind your own bloody business!

  A silence. Sharon gets up and runs into the house. She passes Trudy who is coming out. Trudy looks at the men and appears to sum up the scene. Ruy crosses again, empty-handed.

  (to Douglas, softly) I hope I don’t have to remind you again that you are a guest in this house. And the way I choose to treat my staff is entirely my concern. OK?

  Douglas is silent. Kenny clears his throat.

  Kenny They should be about set up for that interview, I should think …

  Trudy They were nearly ready, yes.

  Vic I’ve been waiting here. Patiently. Plenty of things I could have been getting on with, too.

  Trudy (brightly) I wondered if you wanted to take up my offer and stroll down to the beach, Douglas? While they’re doing their interview?

  Douglas Oh, lovely, yes. Thank you very much.

  Vic (sourly) Yes, you take him down the beach, good idea.

  Trudy (faintly sarcastic) Oh, dear. You haven’t been disagreeing with my husband, have you? I hope not.

  Douglas No, I –

  Trudy You mustn’t do that, you know. He only likes people who agree with him all the time. It’s one of his little whims.

  Vic What are you talking about?

  Trudy It comes of being surrounded by people who nod at him all day at work. He prefers us all to nod at home, too …

  Vic (innocently) What did I do, eh? What am I meant to have done, now?

  Kenny (laughing) Can’t imagine.

  Trudy He surrounds himself with these little nodding animals. It’s like the back shelf of a car in our house. We all do it.

  Vic Bloody rubbish.

  Trudy Yes, quite right, dear. Nod, nod.

  Vic What a load of rubbish. (to Kenny) Isn’t it? A load of rubbish?

  Kenny (nodding) Oh, yes.

  Trudy (to Douglas) It’s about a mile’s walk down there. Do you mind?

  Douglas No, I’d like a walk.

  Vic Take the jeep.

  Trudy No, we want a walk.

  Vic Be quicker in the jeep …

  Trudy No, we want to walk. It’s healthier …

  Vic Healthier? What are you talking about, healthier?

  Trudy Healthier. Walking.

  Vic All right then, walk if you want to walk. I think everyone around here is just trying to wind me up, for some reason …

  Ruy has entered with another block of stone.

  (yelling jovially) That’s it, Ruy, lad. Get stuck in there, boy.

  Ruy (beaming, despite the exertion) Yes, Mr Vic. You bet.

  Ruy goes out.

  Trudy What’s he building now? Not another garden seat?

  Vic Why not?

  Trudy Because he keeps building them and then you tell him to pull them down again.

  Vic Because they were in wrong place, that’s why.

  Trudy Well, I hope this one’s in the right place.

  Vic I’ll tell you that when he’s built it.

  Jill comes out from the house.

  Jill Vic, Kenny – I’m most dreadfully sorry to have kept you waiting. Believe it or not, we are now finally ready to go when you are.

  Vic Hooray –

  Jill First, we had glare from the window, so we moved round and then we couldn’t get back far enough for the two shot …

  Vic (rising, impatiently) Come on. Let’s get it over with …

  Vic goes inside, taking his glass with him. He passes Marta, who comes out to clear the tray and remaining glasses.

  Jill Kenny, you’ll want to sit in, of course …

  Kenny Well, I’d better. Just in case he says something your lawyers will regret later –

  Jill (laughing) Oh, hardly. Surely not.

  Kenny He’s been known to. On occasions …

  Kenny goes into the house. Jill is about to follow but lingers to watch Trudy and Douglas. Trudy has moved off the patio to look at what Ruy is building. Douglas has moved to join her. Marta, in due course, follows Kenny into the house.

  Trudy (turning to Douglas, smiling) Well, shall we go?

  Douglas (smiling back) Ready when you are.

  Trudy and Douglas go out through the gate. Jill watches them go. The lights close down on to her, like a smooth, zooming close up.

  Jill (solemnly, to camera) After seventeen long years, the strands were finally being drawn togeth
er – individual threads in a tapestry shaped over the years by the hands of countless separate participants – none of whom perhaps, individually, was consciously aware of the final picture which was slowly and inevitably being woven around them. And that picture? No less a portrait than the face of human tragedy … (She pauses.) (calling) I may need to do that bit again later, George … (yelling back to them as she goes inside) Sorry. Cut!

  The lights change abruptly on her shout. It is suddenly a moonlit evening. Patches of shadow. Cicadas chirping. Very romantic. Perhaps marred slightly by some very syrupy country and western music emanating distantly from the hi-fi somewhere in the house. Pause.

  In a moment, Trudy and Douglas come through the gate. They have evidently just returned from their walk.

  Douglas I’m afraid we’ve taken rather longer than we should have done.

  Trudy No, we’ve only been a couple of hours. It gets dark much quicker out here. You get used to it after a bit. (Looking towards the house.) It doesn’t sound as if anyone’s missed us particularly, does it?

  Douglas They can’t still be filming, surely?

  Trudy (looking back through the gate) The crew must have gone back to the hotel. Their van’s gone, anyway. And her hire car. She’s gone too. Thank God.

  Douglas Ah, well. My turn tomorrow. In the hot seat.

  Trudy Are you looking forward to it?

  Douglas (uncertain) Well …

  Trudy I wouldn’t be, I must say.

  Douglas I think the problem is that – well, what Jill would really like is a bit of conflict. She was saying to me at lunch that a good programme has got to have a bit of conflict. It needs conflict, otherwise people tend to switch off, apparently. Mind you, I don’t. There’s nothing I like better than a programme with no conflict in it at all. Nerys is the same. But obviously we’re in a minority there. Everyone else seems to prefer to see people beating each other’s brains out. Extraordinary. So, to create a bit of conflict, I think Jill would really like me to say a lot of things I don’t particularly care to say. That’s the trouble.

  Trudy Like what?

  Douglas makes to move on towards the house.

  (stopping him) No, stay here a minute … Like what? What does she want you to say?

  Douglas Oh …

  Trudy No, you must tell me. I need to know. We must talk, you see. Mustn’t we? It’s been a lovely walk but we haven’t really talked, have we? And we need to. We do, you know. And it has to be you and me. You can never talk to Vic, not about something he doesn’t want to talk about, anyway. Nobody can. I mean, I’d have talked to your wife if she’d been here. But she isn’t. And she obviously doesn’t want to meet us or have anything to do with us, which is perfectly understandable. So it has to be us two, you see. Doesn’t it? (Pause.) I mean, I need to know how you feel. How you really feel. You’re very good at covering up, but … (Pause.) Do you see why I need to know? You must see. I have to know if you’ve forgiven us, you understand?

  Douglas Us?

  Trudy Yes. I’m a part of Vic. I married him, knowing what he’d done to another human being. To another woman. And I had his children knowing that. I took on all of him. What do they say these days? (smiling faintly) A wife should be responsible for her husband’s debts. (Pause.) So. I need to know.

  Douglas I think, quite honestly, what’s past is past, isn’t it?

  Trudy You really don’t bear any resentment for what he did? To you? To your wife? The woman you were in love with? Didn’t it matter? It’s like it never mattered to you at all.

  Douglas Oh, it mattered. Then. Of course it did. Only – Well, it wasn’t as straightforward as that. It never is. Let me try and – explain, then. It’s difficult. (Pause.) Working with me in this bank – I was twenty-four – twenty-five at the time – working with me, alongside me – was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, anywhere. Before or since. Her name was Nerys Mills and she was a stunner. And I was – besotted. That’s the only word for it. Some days I couldn’t look at her at all. My hands would shake and my voice used to crack and go falsetto when I spoke and I’d feel sick in my stomach, and one day I actually started crying without any warning at all. Right in the middle of serving a customer. In the end, I had to pretend I got hay fever. And that was very inconvenient, because then I had to remember to keep having it and take nose drops and things, otherwise people would begin to wonder what was really wrong with me. Anyway, needless to say – Nerys didn’t take a blind bit of notice of me. No, that’s not exactly true. She was generally very nice and polite, but, so far as romance went, I think I was definitely at the bottom of the reserves as far as she was concerned. She was actually unofficially engaged to this other man – (darkly) I forget his name now. I never forget names but I’ve forgotten his.

  Trudy Did he work in the bank as well?

  Douglas No, no. He was a salesman. A double-glazing salesman, actually. There’s an amusing story to that, I’ll come back to that. Anyway, I sat there and – longed for her – day after day – month after month – fantasized about her a little – nothing unpleasant, you know …

  Trudy No, no …

  Douglas And some mornings she’d have a chat with me between customers. And then the sun would shine all day, you know … (He smiles.)

  Trudy (smiling) Yes …

  Douglas And other mornings, she’d come in like thunder – something obviously had gone wrong the night before with her and old double-glazing … And then, of course, you never got a smile …

  Trudy (sadly) Ah …

  Douglas And as time went by, I marked her off in my own personal ledger in the desirable but unattainable column, along with the Silver Cloud and the offer to keep wicket for Kent – and I was just resigning myself to life without her and seriously considering whether the Royal Army Pay Corps might have a vacancy somewhere – when the bank raid occurred. And that did change everything. There’s no doubt about it. I don’t know why I did what I did. Your husband was right, it was madness. It just seemed the only thing to do at the time, that’s all. There was this stranger in a balaclava threatening the woman that I cared more than my own life for … I couldn’t help myself, you see?

  Trudy (engrossed) No. I see. I see.

  Douglas Afterwards, I went to see her a lot in hospital. Partly through guilt. Only partly. But, you see, if I hadn’t run at Vic like that, she might never have – Not that she’s ever blamed me. She’s never once, ever – Never. Anyway, I went to see her, as soon as they’d let us in to visit. I imagined there’d be so many blokes round the bed she’d never even see me, anyway. And there were, to start with. I was just there waving my bunch of daffodils at her from the back of the crowd. And then slowly they all drifted away. Over the weeks. Stopped coming to see her.

  Trudy How rotten. Aren’t people rotten, sometimes?

  Douglas Yes, I thought that at first. Then I realized later, of course. She’d been sending them all away. Subconsciously. A beautiful woman like she’d been, she couldn’t bear to be seen like – that. She couldn’t stand it. I mean, she wasn’t vain. Not really. But if you’re used all your life to people taking pleasure in looking at you, then it must be very hurtful when they suddenly start instinctively looking away from you. You couldn’t blame people, altogether. She did look a terrible mess for a time.

  Trudy But you didn’t? Look away from her?

  Douglas Well, I think I probably did, yes. As I say, it was only natural early on. But, you see, if I looked away from her, it didn’t matter quite so much. Because she’d never valued my opinion of her anyway. So it never worried her. And there I was, with her all to myself. Visiting every day. Jollying her up. And over the weeks we got very friendly.

  Trudy And did she fall in love with you?

  Douglas I don’t know.

  Trudy But did she never say to you …?

  Douglas No. And I didn’t ask her. It didn’t matter. She liked me. And more important, she needed me. That’s what mattered. And I loved her.
(He smiles.) I was going to tell you, you know, when I’d left the bank, I applied for my present job with this double-glazing company. I thought it might – you know – increase my standing with her. Since she seemed to have a liking for double-glazing men. Ridiculous. We laughed about that later. I never regretted it, though. They’re a grand bunch. Anyway, she came out. And we married quietly. And we got a joint mortgage on number fifty-three and we’ve lived there ever since. With never a cross word, I’m happy to report. (Pause.) So what do I say? Yes, I do – I hate Vic because of what he did to the most beautiful woman in the world? Or, thank you very much, Vic, for being instrumental in arranging for me to marry the unattainable girl of my dreams? Difficult to know which to say, isn’t it? (Pause.) All right. I know you might well say, what about her? What about poor old Nerys? Being forced to settle for minor league when she was naturally first division. Well, all I can say is, without prejudice, and I am not a swearing person, you appreciate – but that man she was engaged to originally – old double-glazing the first – he was a complete – pillock. He really was. He treated Nerys like – well, there were times when – not just me, you understand … We all could have done – in that bank. Including Mr Marsh. This man – he treated her as only a handsome man can treat a beautiful woman. If you know what I mean.

  Trudy Yes. I do. I think I do.

  They listen to the music for a moment.

  Douglas (cheerfully) Well, that’s – that’s my life. Sorry if I bored you. (Pause.) This is very pleasant music, isn’t it? Country and western? Am I right?

  Trudy (weakly) Yes. Vic likes it. We used to … When we were … (Her voice tails away.)

  Douglas waits for her to finish the sentence. She doesn’t. She is evidently in some distress. She rocks about. She looks at Douglas. Suddenly and unexpectedly, she kisses him on the mouth. Then pulls away and avoids his look. He, after taking a second to recover, avoids her in turn. They sit, pretending it hasn’t happened.

  Douglas (at length) Yes, I’m very partial to country and western music. They always manage to come up with a good tune, don’t they?