Alan Ayckbourn Plays 1

by Alan Ayckbourn

  (to Douglas) Right. You pull off his trousers, while I hold him …

  Douglas (struggling) Yes.

  It is a difficult operation.

  Trudy God, he’s a weight … Sharon, can you help us?

  They struggle again.

  Douglas Hang on.

  Trudy He’s so … He’s so … Sharon, don’t just stand there – please – come and …

  Trudy finally becomes aware of why Sharon has frozen. Douglas is the last to notice. They stand up, guiltily.

  Kenny What the hell is going on?

  Silence, Vic, released, flops over, very obviously dead.

  What have you done to him? What have you done to Vic?

  Trudy (feebly) We were just … We were just … undressing him.

  Kenny What’s happened? He looks dead. Is he dead?

  Trudy (softly) Yes, he’s dead.

  Marta (crossing herself, whispering) Mr Vic!

  Ruy (likewise, crossing the carton of wine) Mr Vic!

  Kenny (softly) Jesus … I think I’m going to have to phone the police, aren’t I?

  Douglas Yes, I think you are …

  Sharon whimpers.

  Trudy No!

  Kenny How did it happen, Trudy? I need to know.

  Trudy Well…

  Sharon Well…

  Douglas (stepping forward unexpectedly) It’s all right, leave it to me. (to Trudy and Sharon) I’m sorry. There’s no other way. There’s only one thing worth telling and that’s the truth.

  Kenny Quite right. It’s my experience, in cases like this, that there’s absolutely nothing like the truth. Absolutely – nothing like it at all.

  Before Douglas can start to explain, Ashley Barnes, a TV floor manager complete with two-way radio, steps on to the floor, appearing unexpectedly and as from nowhere. The lights close down to a small area round him, momentarily.

  Ashley (with great authority) Sorry, everyone. We need to stop for just a second. Sorry. Bear with us, we won’t be two seconds. (listening to instructions from his earpiece) Mmm … yes … mmm … hmm-mmm … yes … OK … I see … yes …

  While Ashley listens, the general lighting returns. The actors playing Vic, Douglas, Trudy, Sharon, Kenny, Ruy and Marta have left the stage to be replaced by their counterpart ‘TV’ actors, who are to be used to mime out scripted events. This switch should have occurred as swiftly and unobtrusively as possible. Although none of the replacement performers concerned are particularly miscast (it is sufficient that they are different), there have been one or two cosmetic improvements. The new Sharon is slim and really quite attractive in her shapely wetsuit. She has shed the helmet and has her hair tied back. Vic is possibly glamorized a little, too, in an anti-hero sort of way. He’s certainly less drunk. Ruy and Marta are a shade more ‘Spanish’. All the clothing – apart from Sharon’s – is similar but not identical to their original counterparts. The ensuing action is as silent as possible, leaving Jill’s voice to serve as a ‘voice-over’ to it.

  (having received final instructions) OK. I’m afraid we have to go back just to Sharon jumping in the pool.

  The actors immediately start to move.

  My apologies, everyone, this is purely for cameras. Many apologies. We’ll go when you’re ready, everyone … (to the audience) Do bear with us once again, ladies and gentlemen. I’m afraid these things do happen. I crave your patience.

  The replacement Vic goes off into the house, gathering up his wet clothes as he goes. Replacement Marta precedes him. Replacement Sharon goes off along the pool taking her discarded gear with her. The other replacements go off, Trudy and Douglas following Ruy and Kenny out through the gate. As this happens, the real Jill comes on from the house. She is in her smart presenter’s outfit. She stands on the patio, waiting. She carries a clipboard. She is in her most tense, unsmiling, professional mood at present.

  Sorry, Jill. We’ll need to go from the top of that final sequence again.

  Jill The final sequence?

  Ashley From where she jumps in.

  Jill OK.

  She consults her clipboard. The lighting changes slightly. Although the general area stays lit, there is a bright ‘special’ on Jill.

  Ashley (listening to a final instruction from his earpiece) OK? Thank you, Jill. (yelling) Quiet studio, please. (to Jill) In your own time, Jill, whenever you’re ready.

  He moves back as he speaks. As Ashley goes off, Jill hesitates a second, then moves up a couple of gears in order to do her piece to camera.

  Jill And so to the final events of that tragic night. The crew and I had finished for the day and had gone back to our hotel to have dinner. For a description of what followed we must rely, therefore, on the testimonies of first Sharon, the nanny, then Douglas and Trudy, and finally Vic’s manager, Kenneth Collins. Piecing together these various eyewitness accounts, the following is almost certainly a true picture of what occurred.

  As Jill speaks, the previous scene is enacted again. If the facts are different, then so are the performers.

  Trudy, in the company of Douglas Beechey, had decided to take a stroll to the beach. Kenneth Collins had walked with Ruy, the gardener, to the local store to buy extra provisions. And whilst Marta, the maid, was preparing supper in the kitchen, Vic sat in the living room relaxing and listening to some of his favourite country and western music.

  She pauses for a second to allow the strains of pre-recorded background country and western music to filter from the direction of the house. This is not the same as previously heard, probably more romantic. It plays gently under the rest of Jill’s speech, accompanying the action that follows. The replacement Sharon enters during the next and stands gazing into the pool and slowly fastening on her diving belt.

  Unknown to any of them, it was at this stage that the children’s nanny, Sharon Giffin, decided that her life was no longer worth living. She resolved to kill herself. Perhaps the eventual realization that her secret, undeclared passion for Vic Parks could never be reciprocated, combined with a totally naïve misinterpretation of the kindness he had shown to her whilst she worked there, proved too much for this simple, semi-literate girl from Macclesfield. It was her good fortune, even as she fastened on her weighted scuba diver’s belt and prepared to jump, that Vic happened to catch sight of her through the open windows. Realizing at once her intention, he rushed out to try and stop her –

  The replacement Vic runs out of the house and stops for a minute staring at Sharon.

  But he was too late to stop her jumping –

  Vic yells silently at Sharon, who jumps into the pool. Vic starts to run to the pool, shedding his shirt and trousers as he does so. He leaps into the pool after her.

  What happened next is unclear. Trudy and Douglas arrived back from their walk in time to see two figures struggling in the water in the darkness.

  Replacement Douglas and replacement Trudy have entered and hurried at once to the swimming pool, where they haul Sharon from the water, during the next, and bring her round.

  Sharon, herself, has only the dimmest memory of being hauled from the water in a semi-conscious state. At first, both rescuers concentrated on reviving her, assuming that Vic himself – a strong swimmer and in good physical condition – had no need of assistance. By the time they realized all was not well, it was already too late. In his violent struggle with the desperate, frenzied girl, Vic Parks had received a glancing blow, sufficient to knock him unconscious and allow his lungs to fill with water.

  Replacements Trudy and Douglas, under the last, reenact the sudden realization that Vic is still in the water. They locate his body and start to pull him from the pool. As they do so, replacements Kenny and Ruy appear in the gateway. Ruy carries a box of groceries. Replacement Marta appears in the house doorway. She is wiping her hands on a kitchen towel and has evidently been preparing food.

  Despite frantic and repeated efforts, they were too late to save him. When the others returned to the villa, they found themselves little more than po
werless spectators, forced to witness the final act of a needless tragedy. That night marked not only the end of a life but the end of a living legend.

  During this, Sharon sits exhausted, Trudy and Douglas make efforts to save Vic. Marta, Kenny and Ruy stand watching anxiously. Finally, Douglas looks up from Vic’s body and shakes his head. Marta, Kenny and Ruy move in slowly and incredulously. They kneel with the others around the body, forming a moving and well-grouped tableau which then freezes while Jill concludes her speech.

  How best to sum up Vic Parks? A man whose life, ironically, ended as violently as it had started. But in between how to describe him? Hero or villain? Latter-day saint or merely late-twentieth-century showman? The arguments will continue. Perhaps his best epitaph is a piece of advice given spontaneously to a young viewer to whom he said: ‘Don’t complain to me that people kick you when you’re down. It’s your own fault for lying there, isn’t it?’

  She sits in the chair in which she started the play. The music fades out or finishes gently. The lights, from now on, close down on Jill. The others remain frozen and are all but lost in the gloom. By the end of the next, Ashley has reappeared at the edge of the set. Jill’s manner now lightens from the solemn/reverent to the fireside/jokey level for her final wind up.

  Sad to say, that’s the last of Their Paths Crossed. If you enjoyed this short series but think that four wasn’t quite enough, tell you what – why not drop them a line up there and let them know? Them. You know the ones I mean. As for me, I’m off to pastures new but I hope we’ll meet again soon. Next week at this time – and quite coincidentally – the start of The Very Best of Vic – a series of twelve special programmes featuring selected highlights from his recent series. And don’t forget, too, you Vic Parks devotees who happen to be in the London area next month, I’ll be co-presenting what’s planned to be the first of the Annual Midland Bank Vic Parks Awards for Youth – founded, of course, in memory of the man himself. That’s at the Royal Albert Hall on Saturday the 18th. There’s still a few seats left. So do try to get along if you can. Remember, it’s all in a very good cause. Oh, and incidentally, there’s a fabulous country and western line up, too. But in the meantime, that’s all from me, Jill Rillington. Bye for now. And mind how you go, won’t you? Bye.

  Jill smiles into the camera and holds her expression for a second or so. Ashley steps forward into the middle.

  Ashley Thank you, everyone. Just hold it a minute, please. We’re waiting for clearance.

  He waits. Patiently listening to his earpiece.

  Jill (sweetly, to the audience) They just have to check that last bit through. See if we’ve managed to get it right this time. Won’t be a second.

  A pause. We wait. The actor playing replacement Vic is now sitting up and whistling quietly to himself. The others wait patiently.

  Actor (the actor playing replacement Ruy) Jill… Jill!

  Jill Hallo?

  Actor I don’t know if you noticed, but the second time I came on a tidge later at the end there. I hope that was OK.

  Jill (rather impatiently, the man is obviously a pain) I’m sure that was fine, David …

  Actor I mean, I could do it again if they want it …

  Jill It was fine. I don’t think they were on you, then, anyway.

  Actor (faintly disappointed) Oh, right. Fair enough.

  Ashley is getting instructions through his earpiece.

  Ashley (speaking to the gallery) Yep … yeah … yep … Great, grand, thank you. Thank you, Jill, thank you very much, everyone. They’re very happy with that. Thank you.

  The actors leave by the various exits.

  Jill (as she goes, cheerily to the audience) Bye.

  Ashley (briskly and brightly, it is a well-oiled routine)

  Right. Ladies and gentlemen, just before you leave – I know you’re all dying to get home. One last little request – I know, I’ve been making requests all evening, but this, I promise you, is my last request for just one vast burst of your really warmest applause. That I know only you can give me. We have yet, you see, to record one little further item. Which is, of course, our final credits sequence. That’s when all those names of people you’ve never even heard of, doing jobs you don’t even know what they are, this is when their names go racing across your screen while you’re busy putting the cat out and couldn’t care less anyway. Well, fair enough, but they’ve got to be there and, more important, one of the names is mine, so when you see that go through – my name is Ashley Barnes, by the way – watch out for it – Ashley Barnes – special loud applause for that, then I get more money, right … Seriously, as much warm applause as you can give us. Let’s tell the people at home what a really good time you’ve had and then who knows, perhaps they’ll believe they’ve had a good one, too. And we’ll get a second series after all. All right? So on my signal – we’ll be going with the final music … In just a few seconds. (Slight pause.) I hope. (Pause.) Yes, here we go. (He stands. He smiles at the audience. He gets the countdown from the gallery. He holds up his hand and counts down with his fingers, mouthing silently with this) Five … four… three … two …

  He starts the applause. The final credit music plays under this. The curtain call is taken. The actors leave the stage. The music stops.

  Thank you all very much indeed. Goodnight. Get home safely now. (as he moves away from the floor) Thank you very much, studio.

  The stage lights snap off to be replaced with the house lights.

  About the Author

  Alan Ayckbourn was born in London in 1939 to a violinist father and a mother who was a writer. He left school at seventeen with two A levels and went straight into the theatre. Two years in regional theatre as an actor and stage manager led in 1959 to the writing of his first play, The Square Cat, for Scarborough’s Theatre in the Round at the instigation of his then employer and subsequent mentor, Stephen Joseph. Some seventy-five plays later, his work has been translated into over thirty-five languages, is performed on stage and television throughout the world and has won countless awards. There have been English and French screen adaptations, the most notable being Alain Resnais’ fine film of Private Fears in Public Places.

  Major successes include Relatively Speaking, How the Other Half Loves, Absurd Person Singular, Bedroom Farce, A Chorus of Disapproval, The Norman Conquests, A Small Family Business, Henceforward …, Comic Potential, Things We Do For Love, and Life of Riley.

  In 2009, he retired as Artistic Director of the Stephen Joseph Theatre, where almost all his plays have been and continue to be first staged, after 37 years in the post. Knighted in 1997 for services to the theatre, he received the 2010 Critics’ Circle Award for Services to the Arts and became the first British playwright to receive both Olivier and Tony Special Lifetime Achievement Awards.

  By the Same Author

  WOMAN IN MIND (DECEMBER BEE)

  MR A’S AMAZING MAZE PLAYS

  INVISIBLE FRIENDS

  TIME OF MY LIFE

  WILDEST DREAMS

  COMMUNICATING DOORS

  COMIC POTENTIAL

  THE BOY WHO FELL INTO A BOOK

  WHENEVER

  DAMSELS IN DISTRESS

  THE JOLLIES

  MY SISTER SADIE

  SEASON’S GREETINGS

  ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS ONE

  (A Chorus of Disapproval, A Small Family Business, Henceforward …, Man of the Moment)

  ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS TWO

  (Ernie’s Incredible Illucinations, Invisible Friends, This Is Where We Came In, My Very Own Story, The Champion of Paribanou)

  ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS THREE

  (Haunting Julia, Sugar Daddies, Drowning on Dry Land, Private Fears in Public Places)

  ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS FOUR

  (The Revengers’ Comedies, Things We Do for Love, House & Garden)

  ALAN AYCKBOURN: PLAYS FIVE

  (Snake in the Grass, If I Were You, Life and Beth, My Wonderful Day, Life of Riley)

  adaptations


  THE FOREST by Alexander Ostrovsky

  theatre books

  THE CRAFTY ART OF PLAYMAKING

  Copyright

  First published in 1995

  by Faber and Faber Ltd

  Bloomsbury House

  74–77 Great Russell Street

  London WC1B 3DA

  This ebook edition first published in 2014

  All rights reserved

  Introduction © Alan Ayckbourn, 1995

  This collection © Haydonning Ltd, 1995

  A Chorus of Disapproval first published in 1986, © Haydonning Ltd, 1986

  A Small Family Business first published in 1987, © Haydonning Ltd, 1987

  Henceforward … first published in 1988, © Haydonning Ltd, 1988

  Man of the Moment first published in 1990, © Haydonning Ltd, 1990

  The right of Alan Ayckbourn to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  All rights whatsoever in these plays are strictly reserved and applications to perform them should be made in writing, before rehearsals begin, to Casarotto Ramsay & Associates, 12 Noel Street, London W1F 8GQ. No performance may be given unless a licence has first been obtained.

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly