You and I Forever

by Melissa Toppen

  “Anna.” I hear his voice without having heard him approach. I don't look up but I can feel him slide down next to me, though he makes no attempt to touch me.

  “I can't lose her.” I manage to get out, though my voice is quivering and my words are broken. “She's all I have.”

  “She's not all you have Anna. Not anymore.” He says, his arm closing down around my shoulders as he pulls me to him. “I know how much she means to you. I know you're terrified, but imagine how she feels.”

  “I can't.” I shake my head. “I can't do this.”

  “You can do this. And you will. Because it's not about you. It's about Patty. And right now, she needs you more than ever. She needs you to be strong for her, for you. But you're not alone. I will be here. When you feel like you can't take anymore, I will be here to push you on. When you need to cry, I will be here to hold you. When you feel like you can't fight anymore, I will fight for you. You are everything to me Anna. My reason for living. And I will get you through this. I promise.” He says, pulling me into his lap.

  Curling into him, I hold him tighter than I ever have. Fearful that if I let go, I will simply float away. Bentley is my anchor to this world. The one thing that holds me in place when everything else falls down around me.

  After a few moments of silence, I finally manage to pull myself together enough to lift my face up to meet his gaze. Reaching up, he pushes my hair away from my face and gently kisses my forehead.

  “I want to go see her now.” I say, peeling myself out of Bentley's lap when he nods in agreement. Stepping up next to me, he entwines his fingers with mine and looks down at me. There is something there, something behind his eyes that I just can't quite seem to pinpoint but it's enough to center me a bit.

  Taking a deep breath, I allow Bentley to slowly guide me back towards the main part of the hospital. Each step I take feels heavier than the one before it, but I manage to push forward with Bentley at my side.

  I still don't know how I am going to face this. I don't know how I am going to say goodbye to the only family I have left. I don't know how I am going to say goodbye to the one woman who chose to be my mother when I had no one else. Losing her is somehow harder than losing my real mom. Maybe it's because despite that fact that she didn't give birth to me, she is my real mom and life without her is a life I simply cannot imagine.

  Chapter

  Eleven

  “Would you stop fussing over me already. I am alright.” Patty says, pushing my hands away as I try to fix the blanket draped over her.

  “It's freezing in here.” I insist, reaching for the blanket again.

  “I am still able to cover myself up if I feel like I need to. Now will you sit down already.” She swipes my hand away when I manage to pick up the corner of the blanket.

  “I'm sorry.” I say, taking a step backwards.

  “Don't be sorry dear. I know you are just trying to help. But I'm okay. Really.” She says, giving me a smile that looks a lot stronger than I'm sure she feels. “Now, if you want to help, why don't you run down to the gift shop and pick me up another crossword magazine?” She says, reaching for the one I bought her three days ago and dropping it on the bedside table next to me.

  “You finished it already?” I cock my head to the side, stunned that she would be able to get through five hundred crossword puzzles that quickly.

  “Well, what do you expect me to do? Holed up in this room all day, it's a wonder I still have hair.” She laughs, making light of the situation.

  “I could be here more.” I say, Patty shaking her head the moment the words leave my lips.

  “You have school. And that is exactly where you need to be.” She says, giving me a warm smile.

  “No, where I need to be is here with you.” I say, revisiting the same argument we have been having for the last week that she has been in here.

  “Anna.” She warns, her stern tone falling into place.

  “Fine.” I sigh, grabbing my purse out of the chair behind me. “I will be back in a few minutes. Anything else you need?”

  “I wouldn't complain if you wanted to stop by the little coffee shop in the lobby and get me some real coffee.” She laughs. “The stuff they bring up from the cafeteria tastes like dish water.” She crinkles her nose causing me to laugh out. She has always been very particular about her coffee. It's nice to see that some things haven't changed with her illness.

  The doctors warned me that I may start noticing personality changes and mood swings, all part of dying from a brain tumor I guess. But up to this point, she has been her normal cheery self. I know that part of it is an act for me but I think in a way, she has just accepted it. I have to remember that while I am just now processing it, she has had months to come to terms with the fact that she has very limited time left on this earth.

  “You got it.” I smile, turning and quickly exiting the room.

  I'm am only gone a little over twenty minutes but when I push my way back inside Patty's room, she is out of bed and dressed in normal clothes. Her hair is tied back in a messy pony tail and she is slipping on her shoes.

  “What are you doing?” I blurt, the moment I realize what is happening around me.

  “I'm going home.” She looks up and smiles widely at me, reaching out her hand for her coffee. Taking a few steps into the room, I hand her the hot beverage before saying anything else.

  “What do you mean you're going home?” I ask, taking a step backwards. “We agreed that this is the best place for you.” I say, reminding her of the conversation we had with the doctor less than a week ago.

  “Home is the best place for me Anna. I don't want to spend my last days staring at these same four walls going out of my mind. I am dying honey. Whether I do it here or at home, it's going to happen regardless. I want to be home with my things. I want to live out the rest of my life my way.” She says, pushing herself into a stand.

  “But...” I start to object but then close my mouth when a nurse appears in the doorway with a wheelchair. I look to the nurse and then back to Patty. “You need around the clock care that your insurance doesn't cover. I can't let you do this.” I object, stepping into her path to the door.

  “Bentley has arranged for a private medical staff to stay with me at the house.” She says, stepping forward and taking my hands in hers. “He didn't want me to tell you that he's taking care of all of the expenses because he was afraid you would be upset with him for doing it without speaking to you first.” She says, smiling warmly at me. “That is why I get to go home. Because he made it possible for me.”

  She leans forward and kisses my cheek before releasing my hands and stepping past me. I still haven't processed exactly what she's saying as I turn around to face her. “Bentley?” I question, meeting Patty's eyes just as she sits down in the wheelchair.

  “Don't ever let that man go Anna Blake. Otherwise I am coming back from my grave and kicking your butt.” She laughs, dropping her bag into her lap as the nurse backs her out of the room. “Now are you coming or what?” She calls as they disappear into the hallway.

  ****

  When Patty said Bentley was paying for everything, I didn't know the extent. But after arriving at her home to find a nurse already there, it's clear to see that he spared no expense.

  The living room has been transformed into a comfortable space where Patty can get around and have easy access to the kitchen as well as the bathroom. A large hospital style bed is pushed against the far wall complete with monitoring machines and I.V. bags of fluid. The space has been cleared in case she were to fall again.

  Tricia, an older nurse with dark hair, walks Patty through how everything will work while I stand to the side and listen. Apparently there are a total of three nurses. Each nurse will do an eight hour shift and the doctor will be by to check in on her daily as well as being on call twenty four hours a day.

  I am about to ask about meals when a knock at the front door pulls me away. Crossing the space, I pull the door ope
n and am greeted by a middle aged woman who has her arms full of grocery bags.

  “Mr. Reed told me to bring these on by.” She says, smiling when I gesture for her to come inside. Crossing the space, she deposits the bags onto the counter before turning to face me. “I'm Sylvia.” She says, extending her hand to me.

  “Anna.” I say, reaching out and giving it a light shake.

  “And you must be Patty.” She smiles when Patty and Tricia turn their attention to her.

  “Hello.” Patty says, nodding at her but not seeming to know exactly why she is here.

  “I will be coming by each morning to prepare meals for the day as well as clean up and do any laundry that is needed.” She says, smiling when she sees the expression on my face and then Patty's. “I'm guessing you didn't know.” She laughs, shaking her head.

  “Knock, knock.” Bentley's voice pulls my attention to the door just as he steps inside. “Hello Sylvia.” He says, nodding to the woman at my side. “I see you found the place okay.”

  “Mr. Reed.” She nods. “I was just telling the ladies here that I will be stopping by but it seems as though they were not made aware of this before I arrived.” She gives him an almost motherly look.

  “My apologies. Sylvia is a friend of my mothers and runs her own home aid service. She's someone you want around. You'll know why once you've tasted her lasagna.” He laughs lightly. “Hey.” He turns his attention to me and snakes his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side.

  “Hey.” I say, looking up to meet his beautiful blue eyes as they settle on mine.

  “Patty, if you would like to come with me, I will show you some of the modifications we have made to the bathroom.” Tricia pipes in, pulling Patty's attention back to her. The two disappear down the hall within moments leaving me and Bentley alone with Sylvia.

  “What is all this?” I ask, gesturing around the room.

  “It took me a couple of days to get everything together but I think I have all the bases covered.” He says, smiling down at me.

  “Right, but why did you not tell me about any of this?” I ask, stepping out of his embrace so that I can really look at him.

  “Because I know how you are about accepting my money. I was afraid that you would fight me on it and honestly, it's for Patty and I wanted to do it.” He says, laughing lightly when I throw my arms around his neck and pull him tightly against me.

  “Thank you.” I croak, pulling his face down to mine and laying a soft kiss to his lips.

  “You're welcome.” He smiles, clearly not expecting this to be my reaction.

  “Seriously. I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you for this.” I say, stepping out of his arms. “You have made her so happy.” Tears immediately fill my eyes at the thought of her being happy to get to die in her own home.

  “It's the least I can do. I know how miserable she's been at the hospital and how hard it's been on you going there all the time. I thought it would be easier for her to be home.”

  “And I love you for it.” Patty's voice comes from behind us and we both turn to see her approaching us. She stops directly beside us and turns her eyes on Bentley. “I knew I was going to like you.” She jokes, wrapping her small arms around his waist and pulling him to her. He laughs lightly and then returns her hug, his eyes focused firmly on mine as he does.

  My heart immediately swells at the moment. It means so much to me that despite everything, Bentley is here, doing everything that he is doing for Patty, and for me. He never ceases to amaze me. One minute we are not speaking over our disagreement regarding my employment, the next; he's holding me up in a way that I never thought possible. And while I haven't gotten to see that much of him since last week, as every moment outside of school I have spent at the hospital, he has still called everyday to check on Patty and some days he's even managed to sneak away for a quick visit.

  Stepping out of his embrace, Patty wraps her arms around me next and pulls me tightly against her petite figure. “Keep a hold of this one honey. He's a keeper.” She says, squeezing me tightly before releasing me.

  “I think you should listen to her.” Bentley jokes, hitting me with his dimple filled smile. Sticking my tongue out playfully at him, for a moment I forget all the bad going on around me. But as soon as the nurse speaks, it all comes crashing back.

  “Come on Ms. Wade, we really should get your I.V. started.” Tricia pipes in, reaching out to take Patty's arm as she guides her across the room and makes her comfortable in the bed before gathering the supplies to start her medication.

  “I can't stay.” Bentley pulls my attention back to him. “I have a few things to take care of but I was hoping that maybe I could see you tonight. Get you away from all of this for a little while.” He suggests, reaching out to tuck my hair behind my ear.

  “I shouldn't.” I say, looking in Patty's direction to find her staring at me.

  “Yes you should.” She says. “I think a night away will do you good. As a matter of fact, you are hereby banished from my house for the next forty eight hours.” She says, giving me a look that tells me not to argue.

  “Patty.” I interject, not wanting to leave her for that long.

  “Anna, you have barely left my side in the last week. Between classes, the studio, and being at the hospital, you have barely found time to sleep. Go, relax, take a break. I will be just fine here.” She says, laying her head back on a yawn.

  “I'll come back by and pick you up in a couple of hours.” Bentley says, not giving me anytime to argue as he lays a swift kiss to my forehead and then crosses the room towards the front door. “I love you.” He says, turning back just as he pulls the door open.

  “I love you.” I mouth back. He winks and pulls the door closed, leaving me to spend the next couple of hours making sure that Patty has everything she needs.

  “Can you give us a moment alone?” Patty looks to Tricia just as she starts the drip on her I.V.

  “Sure.” She smiles, turning and crossing the room to join Sylvia in the kitchen while I make my way over to Patty.

  Taking a seat on the edge of her bed, I turn inwards and take her hand into mine. “I don't feel right leaving you.” I admit, meeting her tired eyes.

  “You have done more than enough honey. You need to take care of yourself too.” She smiles, patting the back of my hand. “I wanted to talk to you about a few things while I still have time.” She holds up her hand when I open my mouth to speak.

  “Let me get this out.” She smiles sweetly when I nod my head in agreement. “I have asked Bentley to have someone step in to take care of the studio.” She says, catching my hurt expression the moment the words leave her lips. “Not that I don't think you can do it, I know you can. But you have a lot on your plate right now and neither of us needs the stress. Besides, rumor has it his sister is quite the business savvy woman.” She smiles.

  “Shira?” I question, completely floored that Bentley would pull her out of Seattle to come here to run Patty's studio.

  “Bentley said she was returning to town soon and had offered to help out. That's where I actually got the idea. She's going to take care of things for the time being and then once I'm gone....” She breaks off for a moment.

  “Patty.” I say, wanting to tell her that we don't need to do this now.

  “No. No. I need to tell you this.” She continues. “The studio will be yours.” She says, catching my surprised expression. “I am leaving it to you. No one loves dance the way that you do. But I want to be very clear about something. It is yours to do with what you wish. You can run it. You can sell it. You can keep it but hire someone else to take care of it. It is up to you. There is no expectation here. The decision is yours and yours alone and is not something that needs to be made until after I'm gone.” She says, tears clouding her vision.

  “Patty. I don't know what to say.” I try to keep the emotion from my voice. Knowing that I need to stay strong for her sake is the only thing that has kept me going these past
few days. I can't afford to break down in front of her now.

  “The house will be yours as well, though I expect you will want to sell it and I think that is best. You don't need to be weighed down by how this house will make you feel once I'm gone. Trust me, I know this first hand.” She pauses. “I just want you to know that you have changed my life in more ways than one, starting with the day you walked into my studio eighteen years ago. You were so scared, so quite and timid. But I watched you grow. I watched you express yourself through dance. And eventually, I watched you learn to live again. Nothing has made me prouder than seeing the woman you have become today.”

  “You inspired me. You gave me an outlet and as such, taught me how to fight my way back.” I say, swallowing hard.

  “No dear, you inspired me.” She smiles weakly. “Now go. I need to rest.” She says, yawning again. “I love you Anna. So much.” She says.

  “Love you too.” I say, blinking hard trying to fight the well of tears forming behind my eyes. Leaning forward, I kiss her forehead before pushing into a stand and ducking into the bathroom just as the emotion swallows me whole.

  Chapter

  Twelve

  I thought we would have more time. I thought a lot of things, but it's clear now that I was wrong. It's been three weeks since Patty returned home and already her health has deteriorated so greatly that she is now completely bedridden.

  Despite her attempts to fight me on it, I withdrew from classes two weeks ago and have since moved back home to stay with her. I know that school is important and I fully intend to return next semester, but right now being with Patty is my priority. Because at the end of the day, I don't know how much time I have left with her. Days. Hours. It's anyone's guess at this point and I can't bear the thought of her dying alone. I am the only family she has and I will be here for her until the very end.