Wild Heart

by Kade Boehme

  “Are you gonna tell me about what happened with your mama?” Jase asked, his tone surly.

  Ase raised a brow. “My mother is about twelve hundred miles away, not just up the hill. I can ignore a phone call.” Jase looked at Ase. Hard.

  “It’s just the mood swings. No big. Par for the course, and all. She got pissy this afternoon and called me a sissy. She felt bad immediately, but it still chafes.” Jase took a sip of his beer and offered Ase another. Ase accepted gratefully, nervous he wouldn’t be able to dodge more questions about his family situation. Not that he was keeping it secret, per se. He just wanted a little more time. Just a little. He would tell Jase, he’d decided. But not tonight.

  When Jase returned with the new beers, and they’d both had a moment to drink, he continued. “Sucks having her call me that, and having to smile and take it like a bitch because she’s not well.” Ase wasn’t sure he liked Jase’s wording.

  “Sounds like you have a problem with how they perceive you. I hadn’t pegged you for the type.”

  Jase’s face went red, even his ears. “That’s not…” At the wry look Ase shot his way, Jase nodded. “Okay, yeah, I have moments.”

  Ah, internalized homophobia. Ain’t it a bitch? Of course, Ase could relate. Macho culture was even more pronounced in places like barnyards and Latino households. Hearing someone call you a pansy or a joto wasn’t easy to just get over.

  If only Jase knew, Ase thought, feeling his lips twist wryly.

  They drank quietly for another moment. Ase started growing tense, though, and knew if he stayed he’d keep drinking. Not that he wouldn’t have a stronger drink when he got home, but he needed to not get stuck here. Staying the night with Jase was probably too much since he definitely had no right to go back to bed with the man while keeping things so close to the vest. No way. And more so, Ase didn’t want to have to sneak out like a villain in the morning. He wasn’t doing the closet shit like a bad boy teenager ever again. He’d committed his crimes, was still doing his time, and had the slowly dwindling checking accounts to prove it. He wasn’t getting wrapped up in any more drama. God knows there didn’t seem to be enough vodka to help him outrun his own these days.

  “Well,” Ase said. “I should probably head out.”

  “Oh.” Jase’s expression was surprised, thankfully not disappointed. Seemed they both needed space.

  He stood to leave, pulling on his jacket like an armor. When he turned, Jase was right in his space. Goddamn the man’s shy, flushed grin and the softness of the white t-shirt over his broad shoulders made Ase want to wrap himself in Jase and lose himself. He forgot what it was to yearn for Jase. He’d done it from afar so long that being three inches from the man was hell.

  “What’re you doing Saturday?”

  Jase blinked. Blinked again and took a step back. He licked his lips, inviting a kiss. Just one taste.

  No. He doesn’t know.

  And that’s exactly how Ase would end this train wreck before it got any further along.

  “I’ll be at Bar None, Saturday at nine-thirty p.m. Come.”

  Jase’s confused look was almost more kissable than his shy one. “Okay,” Jase said.

  And Ase was out the door before he could fuck up.

  Then he asked himself all the way home what he’d been thinking, inviting Jase out.

  Chapter 17

  “Mami, I’m not having this conversation again. I’m at work. I do not have time.”

  “I am just as tired as you of having this conversation, mijo. But I’m trying to understand.”

  Jase dropped his head back against the headrest of the chair he’d been occupying for the last twenty minutes in the staff lounge. He hated the disappointment in her voice, but this was the same fight they’d had since he announced he was moving out of the house he shared with Lizeth. He’d heard all the recriminations in the few months he lived with Anthony. He felt the guilt more heavily himself than she could make him feel with anything she’d said.

  He got it. He fucked up. And not only had he fucked up for himself, but for everyone else. Which is why he’d moved, so everyone could have space from him. He’d stayed on the path to finish his residency, he’d paid everything he was required on time every month, lived up to every agreement he’d made. Still, no one was happy, him most of all.

  “You keep running away from your responsibilities.”

  “No, I haven’t run away, Mami.” He didn’t think she’d understand. Even Lizeth had originally agreed he’d made the right decision, until his parents had gotten her parents in on the guilt trips. He’d offered to help her move as well; it wasn’t like she had roots in California. Hell, she didn’t even have a job there. She lived on what money Ase sent her. Of course his mami called it guilt money.

  And he didn’t have anyone but himself to blame, so he refused to act like a victim.

  “I have to get back to work. Are you still coming out in a few weeks?”

  “I don’t know. Is there a point?” Not that he really wanted her to.

  “Not if you’re only coming to make me say my Rosary.”

  The tense silence on the other end of the line tested his patience so he snapped. “Okay. I have to go. Love you. Give everyone my best.” Not that they’d give a shit. He was everyone’s greatest disappointment, according to them. Although he couldn’t see why when his youngest brother was in jail for selling coke and weapons charges, now. Ase couldn’t say he’d disappointed Lizeth, because she’d known from day one how things would turn out. But he’d disappointed himself because he’d been an idiot, letting his fear direct him.

  He sat, eyes covered with his arm for a minute. He groaned when he uncovered them to find Dustin standing there, concern written all over his face.

  “What exactly is it you fight about with your mother?”

  “None of your business.”

  Concern morphed to surprise on Dustin’s face. “Okay,” he drawled. Ase felt bad. He’d not meant to snap at Dustin. He wasn’t sure when he’d become this person.

  About the time your your brothers walked in that fucking gay bar. He closed his eyes against those memories. If he just didn’t let them spill out, if he concentrated on some of the good things in his life right now, took them with him for a while, maybe he’d stop acting like such a miserable bastard.

  “So, Doctor Roman is here doing rounds. She said you could go on break.”

  “I was just…”

  “Take a real one, Ase. You look like shit.”

  “Thanks,” Ase said, not able to help the laugh that came out with the word. One thing he had to give Dustin; the guy had brass balls.

  “Any time.nd since you’re on break, I thought you might want to know Deputy Blondie is waiting for you at the nurses’ station.” Dustin’s brows went up. “You invited him out this Saturday?”

  Ase did not want to talk about that, so he just grunted and rose to his feet. He went out into the hall and down to find Jase. He couldn’t stop the annoying smile from appearing on his face. He still couldn’t fathom what lunacy had prompted him to invite Jase out this weekend. He assumed it was to make a clean—or not—break.

  But part of him didn’t want to. Part of him really wanted to keep this light feeling he had as Jase noticed him and beamed. “Heya, Dr. Ramirez.”

  “What’re you doing here?”

  “I was checking on one of the other deputies who’s in with a broken leg. Thought I’d pop down here and say howdy.”

  “Well—Hi,” Ase said, crossing his arms over his chest, propping himself against the counter of the nurses’ station.

  “Don’t let me bother you. Just thought you might want more than one of those damn granola bars for lunch.” Jase held up a takeout bag from Ase’s favorite taqueria. Ase’d been thrilled when Jase introduced him to the place, because so far the only Mexican or Spanish food offerings in town—if you dared call them that—had been Americanized Mexican restaurants and the dreaded Taco Bell.

  Ase g
ratefully took the bag, trying not to read too much into—not allowing himself to read into—Jase’s being so thoughtful. He couldn’t remember anyone doing so simple a thing as to remember a favorite restaurant, much less bring him something to work.

  “Did you eat?” Ase asked.

  “Yeah. I ate while I waited on your food.”

  “Well, wanna come sit while I eat this?”

  “Sure,” Jase said, beaming again.

  They made their way to the cafeteria, which was blessedly empty. “Thank you. This was nice of you,” Ase said, as he dug in the bag.

  “Not a problem.” Jase looked around. “Slow day?”

  Ase nodded. “I haven’t had a single new pediatric case today. Knock on wood.” The irony of him being a pediatric surgeon wasn’t lost on him.

  “I imagine that ex Anthony brought you lunch all the time.”

  Ase looked up, surprised by the non-sequitur. “Smooth.” He laughed at Jase’s discomfiture. “But no. We were pretty, uh, rocky from the beginning.” And then some. “He was my attempt at…” Eating bad sausage to get the taste of fish out of my mouth. He smiled wryly at the crude, very unkind analogy. “Trying to defy my parents.”

  Jase studied Ase for a minute. “Did you not, from the moment you got home?”

  They were dangerously close to truths Ase wasn’t in the mood to discuss. But he could answer that honestly. “Disappointingly, no. I failed to live down to my reputation as a badass and gave in.”

  Jase looked like he may have known exactly what Ase meant. He almost wished Jase would ask now. Let it be done.

  He also wanted a fucking drink.

  “So how’s your day going? Must be slow, too, if you’re here paying social calls.”

  “Oh,” Jase said. “No, I just got done with my final on my four-three. I’ll be off all weekend.”

  “Must be nice,” Ase said, haughtily.

  “You’re off Saturday still, right?” The hopeful sound in Jase’s voice made Ase want to hug the man.

  “Yes,” he said, quietly. Tell him.

  “Excellent.”

  If you want to salvage any of this, tell him now.

  Jase’s phone rang. “Shit. I gotta take this.” They blinked in surprise at one another after Jase leaned in and pecked Ase on the lips like it was the most natural thing in the world.

  “Uh,” Jase said, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

  Ase waved it off, even though his heart hammered in his chest, trying to fly out of his ribcage and jump down Jase’s throat to go stay with his heart forever and ever, amen.

  “Go take your call.” Ase was impressed he was able to give Jase a reassuring grin. Jase gave a nod, cheeks flushed, and left with a gruff, “Emery” spoken into his phone.

  Ase watched the retreating back, and so many decisions started trying to make themselves, stories wanted to be told. All because of one fucking innocent, sweet kiss. He realized then, what he’d seen in Jase at the ghost town, that stupefied expression, and his own moment of awe while watching Jase smile had been two people who were no longer friends trying to catch up on lost time. They had crossed that line when Jase had blown Ase on the way home a little over a month ago.

  Seeing or texting each other almost every day, constantly being reminded of the eight months they’d connected as pen pals after that fucking amazing weekend in Munich… They’d never had a chance. They were so perfect for each other that this sorry effort at fighting it seemed sad. But it couldn’t work with Ase’s demons and Jase’s internalized issues with his homosexual side.

  Ase dropped his head on the table, still unable to shake the want. Maybe he could be honest. They were adults. He was out. Jase was out-ish. If Jase could take Ase’s demons, maybe.

  Dare Ase let himself think of it? It was tiresome constantly struggling against it, and he wasn’t sure how he would now that he’d acknowledged it.

  He only knew one thing right then. He was totally fucked.

  Chapter 18

  JASE changed his shirt for the third time. He didn’t know whether Bar None was local yokel or nightclub. Hadn’t paid much attention. It was one of three gay bars in the area, though he did know it drew the more mixed, collegiate crowd. That’s why he finally opted for a pair of looser fitting jeans than he usually wore, a t-shirt that hugged his muscles just so, and a pair of boots. He didn’t want to look like he was trying too hard. It wasn’t a date or anything. They were just hanging out with some of Ase’s friends.

  He’d tried to ask Ase what he should wear, and Ase’d seemed to have something important he’d wanted to say, but Jase’d been busy around the ranch and had two million things to do so he’d forgotten to call Ase back. He felt bad, thinking back on it. He’d sounded tense in the voicemail he’d left, but he’d said, “Guess I’ll see you tonight.” And now his phone went straight to voicemail. Jase had to assume Ase would’ve let him know if he was begging off.

  He felt kind of foolish after he’d kissed Ase the day before. It’d just seemed so natural, like they’d done it a hundred times. Even with Ase seeming to run hot and cold, he hadn’t seemed annoyed by the slip. Hell, he even seemed a little pleased with it.

  Jase couldn’t stop himself, though. His feelings had hit their boiling point on the trip to the ghost town the previous weekend.

  He’d called Lacey when he hadn’t been able to get ahold of Ase, and she’d blessedly picked up. She’s swiftly told him to get over himself and just make a move. And she also called him an asshole for trying to work out his daddy issues on her. He deserved that, for sure.

  When Ase had called him on it the weekend before, he definitely had started re-examining himself. He’d been independent, fairly confident. He was a soldier, for fuck’s sake. Would he really spend the rest of his life miserable because of what his now-dead daddy had said? He’d like to think not.

  He had a sneaking suspicion Ase’s problems over the last four years with his family stemmed from the same shit. He’d been surprised Ase had admitted to denying himself. It was definitely incongruous with the devil-may-care man he’d known. Ase Ramirez didn’t seem the type to give two shits what someone thought of him or his being gay.

  But many might think the same of Jase, especially some of the friends he’d had in San Antonio. They’d be surprised he was as beaten down as he’d become from the moment he stepped back into Hope Springs. He was a little ashamed of himself. He had some more thinking to do, but he knew one thing he wanted to say to Ase was: “I want to be more than friends.” They’d waited so long, and they’d gotten so close again.

  He knew there was some shit he didn’t know about Ase’s life since they’d parted, but he knew enough to know Ase was fun and loyal and a good man. Smart and funny, if a bit broken. He could definitely use with some more talking, but Jase was the last person to pull the communication card. He had some work to do there himself.

  But he would make the first step. If Ase shot him down, yeah it’d suck, but he couldn’t leave any more what ifs in their relationship. Friendship. Whatever. Too many years they’d been apart, and they’d still been brought back together. From the moment he saw Ase’s smile, heard the shutters of the camera, watched him with the birds, kissed his lips. He had to know. Even if Ase only agreed to a few more months. But, hey, the future was the future....

  So he spritzed himself once with his cologne, grabbed his keys, and set out to see if he could untangle whatever this mess of theirs might be.

  Jase’s palms were sweating as he entered the bar, but not for any reason other than he was nervous to meet Ase’s friends. And he was nervous as hell he might freak Ase out with his proposition.

  He looked around for Ase, but didn’t spot him, so he made his way to the bar. He ordered a beer and was relieved to have something to do with his hands when the bartender passed his Budweiser over. He peered back out into the people milling around the room, hoping to spot Ase. When his gaze landed on Dustin, his jaw automatically clenched, jealousy ripping
through him. The nurse looked fucking edible, Jase couldn’t deny, in his tight skinny manpris and sleeveless shirt that was ripped far enough down the sides to show his ribs and toned belly.

  Jase didn’t blame Ase for hitting that. He’d have been inclined had he met the man first, but at that point, Dustin was the last person he wanted to see. And damn if Dustin’s face didn’t light up when he saw Jase. Dustin started slithering through the crowd, waving at Jase, who couldn’t find it in himself to be a dick and turn away like he hadn’t seen the man.

  “Heya, Jase!” Dustin said cheerfully, when he was within speaking distance.

  “Uh, hey,” Jase said, hoping he didn’t look as annoyed as he felt.

  Dustin paused, rolled his eyes, and grabbed Jase’s arm. “Lighten up, honey. I’m here with Ase and his friends. We’re in the back.”

  That surprised Jase. He knew Ase said he wasn’t fucking around with Dustin any more, but that didn’t mean Jase’d expected they’d still hang out. Why should they? He grumbled to himself as Dustin pulled him through the crowd and into a back room, which was down a hall with wood-paneled walls, circa nineteen-eighty.

  The back room they entered was dimly lit except for the stage where a drag queen was busy twirling her hair. Jase squirmed a little, never having been close to a drag queen, other than the ones he’d seen in Munich, or one or two he’d bought a shot from at his favorite gay bar in San Antonio. He’d never actually sat in on a show before, though. None of his gay friends had ever really been comfortable around them, which Jase found a little strange, but he supposed as Good Ole Texas Boys, they all had the same residual effects of daddies who talked shit about queers being fairies and sissies.

  Dustin pulled Jase along, talking happily, as if they’d known each other for years, though of nothing of consequence. They had to shove through quite a few bodies and cross the large room until they came to a table with a reserved sign on it. Jase blinked when he saw the group there. Aside from Dustin there was a fashionable blonde woman who leaned on a hipster-y guy like maybe they were more than just friends. Then there was, not surprisingly, a couple of guys doing the same.