Under Control

by Shannon Stacey

  “It takes juggling, but with proper planning and scheduling, anything can be made to work.”

  “But I’m hesitant to factor you into that.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t be wondering if the person I want to be my partner in life is willing or able to help me out with my kids.”

  “And I can’t believe you would wonder if I’d help you. There’s a difference between not being willing or able to help, and making a set plan with Amber and the kids so work can be scheduled around it.”

  “Life isn’t something you can schedule in a book, Olivia. Especially in ink.”

  “My life is. It’s worked for me pretty damn well so far. I made a plan for my life—in ink—and I’ve achieved everything I set out to do to this point.”

  “Because you’re alone in that plan.” It sounded harsh, even to his own ears, but it was true.

  Her lips tightened for a few seconds. “I’m not alone. Trust me, the people in my life factor very much into my plan.”

  “Because they work for you. You’re still ultimately in control. And maybe there are things happening in their lives that can complicate things, but I know how you work. Your core plan allows for that and you make sure things never spin out of control.”

  “You make that sound like a bad thing.”

  He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to find the words to explain what was in his head. “I spend every day trying to maintain the slightest illusion I can control my life and I can’t. If I wrote down my plan for the next twenty-four hours, it would probably be such a mess of crossed-out things and notes and rescheduling, I wouldn’t even be able to read it. Fires refuse to be knocked down. One kid’s puking. The other one’s waiting for a ride because her mother got stuck behind an accident on the highway. Science projects forgotten until the night before. Emergency dentist appointments. Some guy I barely know gets the flu and all of a sudden I’m covering his shifts at a house a half hour away on a good day. Shit happens. There are people in my life I can’t let down and I can’t control that.”

  “I have people I can’t let down, too.”

  “I know you do. I’m not trying to diminish that, I swear.” He blew out a breath, because he knew it sounded that way. “But if you let those people down, they’ll find other jobs.”

  “Oh, good job at not diminishing my obligation to my team.”

  “I’m talking about family, Olivia. You dealt with a messy family situation by moving several states away and you use the phone to control the impact they’re allowed to have on your life.”

  “That wasn’t messy. It was toxic.” She shook her head, but it was a quick shake, like she was trying to stay in control. “I told you why I came to Boston and why I stayed. And don’t you dare compare my choice to put distance between my parents and I to you thinking I wouldn’t be willing to help your daughter with a school project.”

  “Right now you have distance from us, too.”

  “My life is in the Back Bay. You’ve known that from the day we met.”

  “Your work is in the Back Bay.”

  The look she gave him, full of hurt and disappointment, broke his heart. “No. That’s my home. You’ve tried to diminish that truth over time by making jokes about hotels and calling it my office, but that’s my home.”

  “I can’t live that far away from my kids.” She took another step back, and he couldn’t do anything to stop the growing distance between them. He couldn’t see himself—or his kids—making a home there. “I just can’t see myself doing that. My kids are here. My work. My friends. My life is here.”

  “I know. And the life I’ve built, which includes my work and my friends, is there.”

  “And you’re not willing to give it up.”

  “I’m willing to talk about it,” she snapped, her temper flaring. “I’m willing to find a compromise, but what about you? What are you willing to give up to make it work? Because from over here, it sounds like nothing.”

  “I have the kids to consider.”

  “I know you and Amber have a great relationship so your kids are used to having access to both of you all the time. I know better than anybody how wonderful that is.” She paused for a second, and took a deep breath. “But what I hear you saying is that you don’t care that plenty of parents deal with some distance when seeing their kids, even living in different states. You’re not willing to drive across the city to see them if that’s what it takes to be with me.”

  “And you’re not willing to commute if that’s what it takes to be with me.” He heard a note of finality in his voice that he didn’t want to be real.

  “What if we buy a place in between somewhere?” She asked the question calmly, but her body was trembling. “I’m sure we can find a nice neighborhood that’s still close to the kids, and splits the work commute between us.”

  “Jesus, Olivia, I can’t afford anything deeper into the heart of the city.” He ran his hand through his hair, blowing out a breath. “And before you say it, no, I’m not okay with you paying for the kind of place you’re talking about. A man wants to be able to take care of his family.”

  “Okay.” She said it so softly, he barely heard the word. Then swiped at her eyes with a hand that was visibly shaking.

  He wanted to go to her, but he felt frozen to the spot. Their hearts were both breaking, but he didn’t know how to stop it. He wanted to hold her and kiss away the pain on her face, but he didn’t have the answers. He didn’t know how to keep them from being in the exact same place when the tears dried.

  “I’m going to go,” she said as she moved toward the door. Then she paused with her hand on the doorknob and took a long, shuddering breath. “I’m not going to come back. Goodbye, Derek.”

  She didn’t look back. He stared at the door without moving for what felt like days after she closed it behind her, but it didn’t open again.

  She wasn’t coming back.

  * * *

  Olivia stared at her open closet, neither remembering nor caring why she’d opened it in the first place.

  Nothing made sense to her right now. Nothing mattered. She’d never given a thought to what a broken heart felt like. If she had, she probably would have looked at the trail of broken hearts in her family tree and guess it felt like a bottomless pit of anger.

  She felt empty. There was a void in her life where Derek had been—whether he was physically with her or not—and it was a big one.

  When the phone she’d tossed on the bed rang, her heart jumped and for the few seconds it took her to cross the room to look at the screen, she allowed herself to hope it was Derek. That they’d talk and work it out and everything would be okay.

  That hope died when she saw her mother’s name. Since she didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than she already did, she answered it.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “You sound weird. What’s the matter?”

  “I literally said two words.”

  “You’re usually very brisk, and you just sound...tired or sad.”

  She was surprised her mom had even noticed, which probably wasn’t fair. While both parents had blind spots when it came to how much their hostility hurt her, they both loved her. And she loved them.

  “I’d been seeing somebody for a while and we...it ended.”

  “Oh honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were dating anybody. I thought you were focused on your company right now. And your book.”

  “I was. I still am. I just...”

  “You just what?”

  She wasn’t capable of spilling the entire story right now. It was too raw. “I just wasn’t ready for a committed relationship right now.”

  “I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, honey, but you have a plan and you know success lies in the execution.”

  “I know, Mom. You taught me well.”

  “I did, and
look at you. You’ve made yourself a nice business and in a few years, you’ll be able to relax and find yourself a nice, like-minded man, just as you planned.” Her mom paused, and then made a smug sound. “You’re a smart woman, like your mother.”

  Olivia froze, unable to summon the right words to stroke her mom’s ego as pieces fell into place. Or maybe it was more like somebody strolling through her brain, flipping on light switches. Smart, like her mother. Successful, like her mother. Focused and driven, like her mother.

  Alone and unhappy.

  Like her mother.

  “Olivia?”

  “I’m here.” She needed to get off the phone before she said something she couldn’t take back. I’m here, thinking about the fact I’ve lived my life the way you taught me and I’ve achieved professional and financial success, but I didn’t leave any room for the people I love to actually be a part of my life, and I learned it from you. “What did you call me for?”

  “Oh, I just wanted to know if you were coming home for Thanksgiving this year.”

  “It’s September.”

  “I know. Which means you should already know your schedule for the quarter.”

  “I’ll let you know soon.” She hadn’t even thought about the holidays this year. If she had, she probably would have assumed she’d be celebrating her first Thanksgiving with Derek. Maybe she would have been meeting his parents and the rest of his family.

  It didn’t matter now. If she didn’t go home, she’d do the same thing she’d done last year, which was politely decline Kelsey’s invitation to join her family and then spend the day working.

  “I have to go, Mom. I made a note to look at my schedule and I’ll get back to you.”

  “Okay. Keep your chin up. If it didn’t work out, he obviously wasn’t the right man for you, so stay focused.”

  That was possibly the worst advice she could have given her daughter at that moment, but Olivia knew she meant well and it was the best she could do. “I will. I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too. I hope you know that. And I’ll talk to you soon.”

  Once the call was over, Olivia let the phone drop back onto the bed. She should make a note about Thanksgiving. She should get some work done. She should do anything that took her mind off Derek.

  “Hey, Olivia, I was looking for you. What are you doing?”

  “I don’t know.” She sat on the edge of her bed, looking up at her assistant. “It’s slipping away.”

  “What is?”

  “Everything. Derek.”

  “Derek is a him, not an it. What’s slipping away?”

  “Control,” she whispered, looking at her hands. “My plan. I don’t know how to get back on track. He told me he loved me and I told him I love him, too. But then it just...blew up. I don’t know what happened, but he wasn’t willing to compromise on anything, so what was I supposed to do?”

  “Maybe you need to let that plan go. Take a few days, then think about what you really want and make a new plan.”

  “I have a plan.”

  “Set it on fire.”

  Olivia’s head jerked up. “What?”

  “Take that book of yours outside and set it on fire.”

  “The thought of that makes me physically ill.” She put her hand on her stomach because she wasn’t lying.

  “Okay, so that was a little radical. Let’s start small. Since I see your task lists, I know you were looking for something to wear to the Village Hearts benefit. Did you find one?”

  Olivia closed her eyes for a moment as a wave of fresh pain washed over her. “I have to go.”

  “Yup.”

  “Derek will be there.”

  “Also yup. Which is why the dress is important. Did you find one?” Olivia shook her head. “Let’s go shopping. Right now.”

  “We can’t just leave and go shopping. We have to go over the script for the next podcast.”

  “We don’t have to do that right now. I know you’re not going to set your planner on fire, but accept that your business will not come crashing down if we get out of here for an hour and clear your head a little.”

  It wasn’t her head that was the problem. It was her heart. But finding something to wear for the benefit was technically a task for today. When she’d written it down, she’d meant to go through her closet and find something. But if she went into the office right now, she’d probably do more staring at the wall than working. She might as well get something checked off her list.

  Kelsey claimed to know the perfect place and it was within easy walking distance. Olivia put herself in her assistant’s hands and followed along. The weather was on the warm side, but the humidity wasn’t bad, so she tried to focus on enjoying the present moment. Or at least not giving up, sitting on a bench and bawling her eyes out.

  The dress shop was the small boutique kind that Olivia usually avoided because it was a lot more efficient to shop in larger stores so you could get everything you needed in one spot. But Kelsey dragged her over to a rack of dresses.

  “You need to make a statement,” she declared.

  “Okay.” Olivia sighed and lifted the sleeve of a dark green dress before dropping it. “Find me a dress that says I was living a perfectly planned life until a firefighter came and scribbled all over my plan with a Sharpie and broke my heart, and now I’m a mess.”

  Kelsey pulled a royal blue dress off the rack and held it up. “I was thinking the statement could be more along the lines of that idiot had this and blew it.”

  Had he blown it? Or had she? Olivia wasn’t even sure anymore. She just knew her heart had been blown apart. “That’s not really my style. And it’s a charity to raise money for children.”

  “But it’s not a kids’ party. And it’s not even revealing.”

  Olivia knew the color would look amazing on her, but Kelsey was wrong about it not being revealing. Maybe it wouldn’t show a lot of skin, but even on the hanger, Olivia could see that the fabric, the fitted waist and the deep V of the neckline would reveal plenty.

  She tried it on and when she stepped out of the dressing room, Kelsey’s eyebrows shot up and she gave a sharp nod.

  “That’s the one. Trust me.”

  Right now, it felt as if Kelsey was the only person she could trust with decision making, so she bought the dress. They walked back to the office and she forced herself to focus enough on the podcast script to check it off the list. She wasn’t oblivious to the fact when they did the end-of-day review that Kelsey had shifted some things around and even pushed a few items back. She didn’t argue.

  Eventually there was nothing left for Kelsey to do, so she left and Olivia was alone. She forced herself to eat because she had to. Then she took a long, hot bath scented with lavender and chamomile before putting on her favorite pajamas and crawling into bed with her phone.

  Derek wasn’t going to call. She knew it, but it didn’t stop her from staring at the dark phone screen. She needed to hear his voice.

  It wasn’t until the sun had set and everything was dark that she finally let herself cry.

  Chapter Eighteen

  If there was one thing Derek wasn’t in the mood to do tonight, it was smile and act like everything was okay.

  But it was a big night for Village Hearts and he needed to be here. Not just because he’d put a lot of time and effort into the event, but because they’d been there for Julia when he and Amber had been wrapped up with her newborn baby brother. He could never repay them for that, but every dollar he could help them raise tonight counted.

  He’d told himself Olivia probably wouldn’t show up. She’d put time and money into it, but she didn’t have the emotional connection. It would be easier for her to simply make a donation and not have to spend the evening with a fake smile on her face.

  But she was there. Seeing her walk through the do
or had been such a blow, he’d actually taken a step backward. She looked stunning tonight. The blue dress hugging her curves was elegant and sophisticated, but for a man who knew every inch of that body intimately, it was a torturous reminder of what he used to have and let get away.

  Watching her made him ache. His hands ached to touch her. He ached to hear her voice and see her smile. But it was his heart that ached so much the pain made it hard to breathe.

  But every time she moved or smiled, he could see that she was hurting, too. She looked brittle, as if she was so tense, she’d shatter if somebody touched her.

  He knew the feeling.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” He jerked his attention away from Olivia to look at Scott, and then shrugged. “No. Not really.”

  “I’ve been there, man, and it sucks. Honestly, I can’t believe you’re both here tonight. I couldn’t have come to a thing like this with Jamie here while we were broken up. It would have killed me.”

  “It is killing me,” he admitted. “Just really slowly for maximum pain effect.”

  “If it hurts that much, you might want to consider fixing it.”

  “If it was that easy, I would.”

  Scott snorted. “Easy? Nothing about it’s fucking easy. But it’s worth it. I had to learn some hard lessons to get Jamie back and it was worth it because every time I open my eyes, I’m excited to see Jamie, even if she’s right there lying in bed next to me.”

  “I know that feeling.” He missed that feeling. Now when he opened his eyes, it was to dread facing a day without Olivia.

  “It was a lot of work.” Scott tilted his head for a second. “It’s still work. We’re both on the job. She outranks me. We worry about each other. We’re going to have kids soon and that’s a whole new bunch of challenges. But we do the work together because it’s worth it.”

  There was a time Derek would have laughed out loud at the idea of Scott Kincaid giving him advice about his love life. And not just love, but the serious and forever kind of love. But Scott and Jamie were the real deal, and somehow the knowledge that they’d gone through a rough time and come out the other side together eased some of the tightness in his chest.