Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  Trent smiles and winks at me. “Bye, babe. Nice to meet you, Shayne.” He waltzes out of the store.

  “He’s really cute,” says the lady I’m serving. “Nice eyes.” I smile at her, and continue with my work.

  Finally, about half an hour before I finish, there’s a break in the customers and Shayne taps me on the shoulder. “Your boyfriend is super cute.”

  “He is,” I agree with her.

  “Love how he waited for you to tell him you love him.”

  “Yeah.” I turn away to avoid her questions. She’s nice, really nice, but I don’t want to talk about Trent and how cute or anything else she may think of him.

  “You up to anything tonight?” she sweetly asks.

  “I’m not sure.” I lie. I really don’t want to tell her what Trent wants from me, and what I’ll have to give him. “Customer,” I whisper. But deep down I’m thankful I have to work because I want to avoid her questions.

  She may think these are all harmless things she wants to know, and to most people, they are. But they aren’t to me. I don’t want to talk about them. It’s no one’s business.

  The rest of my shift goes by fast. Shayne shows me how to close out my cash drawer at the end of the day and everything else I need to do as I finish work. I’m ready to leave when Stacey calls me into her office.

  “How was your day?” she asks as she sits behind her desk and watches me stand beside the door.

  “Good. Shayne showed me how to do a lot of things.”

  “I saw. You were working the register on your own, and only needed Shayne’s help a handful of times. She showed you how to close your shift and what to do. I’m impressed.”

  I smile and feel so proud of myself. “Thank you, ma’am.” Someone’s proud of me. She said she’s impressed with me. I’m so ecstatic over her words.

  “What time do you finish school?”

  “I finish just after three every day. And I only have two weeks left before I graduate.”

  “Good, I need a girl on the register Wednesday, Thursday and Friday from four until eight. And you can work Saturday from eight in the morning, and Sunday from midday.”

  “Oh I um…” I have to check with Trent and make sure he’s okay with it.

  “If there’s a problem I’ll call Chris and let him know I need you.”

  “No, ma’am. I’ll work around it.”

  “And once school’s done, I’ll be able to give you more work.”

  “Thank you,” I say and stand waiting for her next instructions.

  “You did well, Lily. I’ll see you Wednesday.” She lowers her head and continues working. I gather this is her way of telling me to go.

  I leave and quietly shut her door, going downstairs and out the front. Shayne’s already gone and I wait for Trent out front. I take my phone out of my bag that I collected from the staff room, and I check the time. He’s running a few minutes late, but I don’t want to leave in case he comes and doesn’t find me here.

  Another minute passes and Trent comes around the corner in his dad’s car. He stops and I get in. “You ready?” he asks. I nod my head, although having sex with him is still something I’m not ready to do.

  We drive a couple of blocks down and he parks in the doctor’s parking lot. We go in, and I stand behind Trent and let him do all the talking.

  We sit in the waiting room and I begin to fidget in my chair. “Trent,” I say as I squeeze his hand which is in mine.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m nervous.”

  “Don’t be.” I wait for more, but instead he takes his phone out and begins doing something on it. This is terrifying. I’m waiting beside my boyfriend to be called in by an unknown doctor so I can be put on contraception. I don’t even want to have sex. All I want to do is read and get lost in a book, not what Trent wants me to do.

  “Trent, I’m really scared. I’m not sure I’m ready to have sex yet,” I say in a small whisper, because I don’t want the entire waiting room to hear, although, there are only three people in here including the receptionist.

  “There’s nothing to be scared of. And as far as sex is concerned…” He leans over and kisses me softly on the cheek. It’s a beautiful and innocent kiss. “You’re seventeen. It’s time you had sex.” He leans back, and looks down at his phone.

  My shoulders slump. It feels like it doesn’t even matter what I say, he’s going to take what he wants.

  “Lily Anderson,” a male doctor calls. Trent stands and leads me into the small office.

  The next half hour is spent in the doctor’s examining room. After numerous questions, all of which Trent answers, I was given an injection in my bottom. It was explained to me, and the doctor gave us some pamphlets too. I switched off listening after a few moments, because regardless of how I felt, it was going to happen.

  In the car on the way home, Trent has his hand resting on my thigh. “Doctor Simmons has been a good family friend for years.”

  “Okay,” I say. I already could tell there was a deeper connection to just patient/doctor.

  “He’s one of Dad’s good friends.”

  “Okay.” I turn my head and look out the window.

  “But we still need for me to wear a condom. I don’t want a kid yet, and until the injection kicks in I’ll make sure I don’t knock you up.”

  “Okay.” I purse my lips together as I look up at the darkening sky. I look at the sky. Dusk is so beautiful. Majestic and serene, I wish I could get lost in it.

  As we near Trent’s home, he swerves the car. I look out the front and hold on to my seat belt. I’m expecting to see another car coming toward us, but Trent’s sped up and is swerving toward a dog trotting along the road. “Trent! Watch out,” I yell as he almost hits the dog.

  Trent starts laughing and corrects the car, missing the dog by no more than a couple of feet. “I’m just having some fun,” he says, and continues laughing.

  I’m horrified, and so disgusted he swerved to hit the dog. It was cruel and unnecessary.

  My heart starts to calm and when we reach the house, I get out and go inside. Trent’s right behind me. “I’ll see if your mom needs help with dinner.” I go into the kitchen to find Mrs. Hackly standing near the stove, making something. “Hi, need help?” I offer.

  “I’m fine, dear.” She turns and looks at me, and I see her lip is fat and has split.

  “Mrs. Hackly, what happened?” I rush over to her, but I’m unsure on what I can do to help her.

  “Oh this.” She touches her lip and smiles at me. “Last night I fell out of bed. Hit my face on the corner of my bedside table. Stupid really. Who falls out of bed? Obviously, me. Just a silly woman.” She turns the meat on the stove top and turns back to preparing the vegetables.

  But I know, there’s more to it. I know bruises like that, I’ve experienced them before. “You can tell me,” I hint in a soft voice.

  “Nothing to tell, dear. Nothing to tell. A foolish old lady falling out of bed. That’s all.”

  I have to respect her words and trust she’s telling me the truth, or maybe it’s her version of it. “Okay.” I look over what’s cooking, “What’s for dinner?”

  “Ribs, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. I don’t need any help here, you can go spend some time with Trent.”

  Automatically I feel my breath drain as I leave the kitchen. I don’t want to spend time with him, because I don’t want to have sex with him. I leave the kitchen, and Mr. Hackly walks past me. “Did you see the doctor?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “You’re covered?”

  I feel my face turn red, “Yes, Sir.”

  “Good.” He keeps walking away from me.

  “Lily, come upstairs,” Trent calls me. Here goes. As slowly as I can drag my legs I walk up the stairs and go into his room. Leaving the door open I walk over to where he’s sitting on the bed. “Close the door,” he instructs me.

  I turn and close the door, and lock it. As much as I don’t want to have se
x with him, I’d be even more humiliated if his mom or dad walked in. “Is your mom okay? She has a fat lip.”

  “She fell. She’ll be fine. Come sit here.” He pats the bed beside him. I sit down and wait. He leans into me, and starts to kiss me, his hands all over me. That’s normal for him, to feel my breasts and he’s putting his hands inside my panties and touching me. “After dinner, you need to have a shower so you can wash the smell off you, because tonight I’m coming into your room and we’re having sex.” He continues kissing me.

  “Okay?” Although he’s asking, it’s more rhetorical.

  We keep kissing, doing what Trent wants to do until his mom calls us for dinner.

  When we get downstairs, he smacks my bottom and tells me to hurry up with dinner. When I sit, I try and take as long as I can, but Trent keeps eyeing me and mouthing the words ‘hurry up’. No one really talks tonight, Mrs. Hackly asks how my first day of work was, but I noticed she wasn’t really listening when I responded. So I opted to remain quiet, and just eat my dinner.

  “May I be excused?” I ask once I’m done. Mr. Hackly nods, and I leave to have a shower. I take as long as I can in there, not wanting to get out of the bathroom.

  Once I delay it as long as I can, I put my pajamas on and go into my room, where Trent is lying on my bed, with just his boxers on. “Hey, babe. You took your time. Wanted to make sure you were extra clean for me, right? Come here.” He sits up in bed and puts his feet on the floor. My heart’s beating so fast it feels like it’s growing wings and is about to take off. My hands are sweating and I’m shaking from nerves.

  Trent stands and removes my clothes, leaving me completely naked in front of him. I move my hands so they’re covering my body, but he gently takes them and lowers them beside my body. “I’m nervous,” I whisper. What I want to say is, please don’t do this, please wait, but he’s already made it clear, he’s going to take what he wants.

  “You’re really pretty, Lily. But next time, you have to shave this bush.” He points to my vagina.

  I’m now humiliated and nervous. “Okay,” I murmur.

  “Lie on the bed and open your legs.” I lay on the bed, and open my legs.

  I’ve been living at Trent’s house for nearly four months now, and in three weeks we’ll be leaving to go to university together.

  I’ve been working at the store every possible opportunity I get. I’m so proud that in the thirteen weeks I’ve worked here, I’ve managed to save a little over two thousand dollars. I even managed to buy another copy of my beloved book.

  Trent has sex with me whenever he wants. The first night he did it twice to me, and it hurt. But he said it’s supposed to hurt, that’s how he knows how much I love him. I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it, but if I lay there and let him do whatever he wants, he finishes quite quickly and then goes back to his room.

  He also told me when I’m on my break at work, I need to call him and tell him when it starts, and again when I go back to work. He says he doesn’t want to be worried about me. I guess that’s pretty sweet.

  Shayne and I have become good friends. She’s still trying to plan a night out with me, Trent, and herself, but that hasn’t worked out yet. It’s nearing my break and today Shayne and I are going to the park to have lunch.

  “Hey,” I say over my shoulder, as the new customer loads up the conveyor belt. “I’m buying lunch.”

  “No way, girl. You have college to save for, I’m buying.”

  “I still owe you from the first time.”

  “You don’t owe me nothing.” I really want to tell her it’s ‘you don’t owe me anything’, but she once told me she feels dumb when she talks to me. And I’m the last person in the world who wants her to feel anything other than what she is – a beautiful person and an amazing friend. “Five minutes, and I’ve got something to tell you,” she whispers.

  Five minutes seem to go on forever, but our break finally comes and Shayne and I start walking out. “Hang on, I just need to call Trent.”

  “Okay.” She walks ahead into the deli.

  I dial Trent’s number and it goes to voicemail. “Hey, it’s me. Shayne and I are just going on our break. We’re going to the park. I’ll call you just before my shift starts again.” I hang up, putting the phone back in my pocket and jogging into the deli.

  “I ordered for you. You’re usual. Pastrami on rye with extra mustard. I’m getting a soda, do you want one?”

  “Just water, thanks.”

  Delores, the older lady behind the counter smiles at me. “Hi there, Lily. You getting excited? You’ll be going to college soon and leaving this place behind.”

  “I’ll never leave it behind, I’m just migrating for the season,” I say, she laughs. Delores has been so kind, and she always gives me extra pastrami, telling me I’m too skinny. Trent recently told me I’m starting to put on weight and he doesn’t want to be known as the guy with the fat girlfriend. When I’m at home, he dishes up my dinner, and I just eat that. But Delores always gives me extra food.

  “You’re a good girl, Lily. You’ll make it far.”

  “And she’s super smart,” Shayne pipes up.

  “Thank you,” I reply, but I know they’re just trying to be nice, nothing more.

  Shayne grabs our lunches and goes to hand over the money to pay for both, but I beat her to it and pay with my money. It makes me feel so proud I can do that. I got that money through working hard for it, and it’s mine to spend. A huge sense of achievement and accomplishment washes over me. It’s something so trivial to most, because they haven’t had to eat rotten fruit, or go days without anything more than water and maybe someone else’s discarded leftovers. To them this is so small. To me, it’s a massive confidence booster that I, Lily Anderson, can do it.

  “Guess what I heard?” Shayne says once we’re out of the deli.

  “What?”

  “I heard Stacey talking on the phone and saying if he doesn’t leave his wife, she’s going to tell everyone they’re having an affair.”

  My very first reaction is to say, “Who was she talking to?” But the moment the words left my mouth, I immediately backtracked. “You know, never mind. It really has nothing to do with me. I don’t want to know.”

  “Doesn’t matter anyway, she was on her cell talking to whoever.”

  “I told you, I don’t want to know.”

  “You’re funny.” She laughs and runs ahead to our table at the park. It’s nearing the end of the summer and the temperature has begun to cool slightly during the days. “Come on,” Shayne happily encourages me to hurry up. “Come on.” From a distance she looks so happy and carefree. But the real Shayne has a story to tell, just like everyone else in the world.

  “I’m here already.” I sit at the table and unwrap my extra plump sandwich.

  “So, we have to go out before you go to college and forget all about me.” She bites into her lunch.

  “How can I forget about you? You’re really the only friend I’ve ever had. Unless you can count Delores and the ladies at the thrift shop I used to go to.”

  “What?” Shayne looks up at me, her eyes bursting with wonder.

  I’ve never really told her about my past, it’s embarrassing and beyond humiliating. “I used to go to this thrift shop sometimes. The ladies there were really nice.”

  “Why?” Her question isn’t said with judgment, but with genuine interest.

  “I kinda came from a pretty bad home.”

  “What? You? But you’re the nicest, most normal, prettiest, and smartest person I know. I don’t believe it.”

  I chuckle at her. “Trust me, I’m none of that.” I take another bite and chew while thinking about what Shayne must see.

  I’m a clown, standing in this circus called life, just trying to step forward from the back of the line and be more than just everyone’s joke.

  “That’s bullshit, Lily. You’re the hardest worker I know, taking every shift offered to you. You’re super smart, and real, r
eal pretty.” Her face softens as she describes how she sees me.

  “Thank you.” But I don’t believe you.

  “Tell me about why you’d go to the thrift shop.”

  I take a deep breath, smile and look down, avoiding Shayne’s beautiful eyes. “Because I didn’t have any warm clothes to wear, and one day I went in there and the ladies helped me. They even fed me sometimes. I didn’t go too often, because I didn’t want them to think of me as a burden.”

  I hear her gasp, but I don’t dare look at her. “You were homeless?”

  Shaking my head, I keep looking down at initials which have been etched into the table. There’s a love heart and ‘D.D 4 A.L’ has been carved in the middle. “No, I wasn’t. But I was alone most of my life. Now, I’m not.”

  “Far out, Lily. I don’t know what to say. I want to hug you.”

  “Don’t, please. I don’t want you to think badly of me.”

  “I don’t. It makes me love you more as a person.” I look up and she’s smiling at me. “You’re my best friend, and I love you so much. But now I want so much more for you. If any of us is going to make something of herself, it’s you. You got so much smarts girl, you can be anyone and go anywhere.”

  “Thank you. Anyway, enough about my past. Let’s talk about you.”

  Shayne keeps looking at me and she looks like she wants to say more. She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it, several times. “You only have a couple of weeks, we really need to organize a night out.” Thankfully she changed the subject without intruding any further on my upbringing.

  “I’ll ask Trent. But you know how it’s been, with me working so much, any spare time I get I’ve been spending it with him.”

  “I know, but come on, Lily. I may never see you again.”

  “Don’t be silly. I’ll be back on every break. And besides, I go where Trent goes. But I’ve been thinking, I want to get my permit. Learn to drive.”

  “Yeah, go for it! That’s great.”

  “Hey, Shayne,” Liam says, as he walks toward us.

  Shayne’s face goes a pale pink as she looks at him. “Hey,” she says. I’ve come to learn she has a big crush on him. And I think he’s crushing on her too. He always seems to be walking past the park whenever we’re out here, and at first he’d walk past with just a hello, but now he stays and has a chat with her. I feel slightly uncomfortable, because to me it’s really obvious how much they like each other.