Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “I’d have some here on file from when you first came to work. I can give it to you and take you to the bank if you like?” he offers.

  “Yes, please. I need some shoes, and clothes.”

  Dale gets up, “I’ll go to the file room, and see what I have for you. But please, use the phone and call your friend.” He leaves me in his office.

  Damn it, I don’t have Shayne’s number, it’s in my bag back at the apartment. I pick my diary up and start flicking through it, trying to think of how I can get in contact with Shayne. I remember I wrote it in my diary when she gave it to me. I thumb through the pages until I find it.

  Picking up Dale’s phone, I nervously punch in the numbers and wait until it starts ringing. My heart’s leapt up into my throat, and my anxiety is making me tremble with fear and uncertainty.

  “Hello,” Liam answers.

  “Hi, um, Liam.”

  “Yeah, who’s this?”

  ‘It’s me, Lily.”

  “Holy shit. What the hell? Oh my God. SHAYNE!” he yells.

  I move the phone away from my ear when he screams for Shayne. I put the phone back and hear Liam telling Shayne I’m on the phone.

  “Lily, how are you? Are you okay?” she says without even taking a breath. I burst into tears again, I’m so ashamed I have to stoop to calling Shayne for help. “Oh my God, where are you, Lily? I’m coming to get you.”

  I can’t seem to make the tears stop, but through the uncontrollable sobs, I finally manage to say, “I’m at work, up in the boss’s office.”

  “Stay there until I come get you. Liam and I are on our way.” She hangs up before I can say anything else.

  Moments later, Dale comes back into his office holding a folder. “Here, I have some of your personal information so you can use it to go to the bank. I’ll come with you, if you like,” he offers.

  “Shayne and her husband, Liam are coming here to pick me up. I’ll go with them.”

  “Anything you want, Lily. Now, about work.”

  “Do I still have a job?”

  “Well, actually…no.”

  I huff and let my shoulders slump. “Okay.”

  “Not downstairs, but Candice, the CEO’s personal assistant is leaving next Friday, and I know Peter hasn’t replaced her yet. He told me to keep an eye out, and I think you’ll be perfect for the role.”

  “But I don’t know what to do.”

  “Don’t worry about that for now, take the rest of the week off. Call me or come in and see me on Friday and we’ll talk about it then. But for now, just don’t even worry about work. You’ll always have a job here.”

  “Thank you, Dale.”

  We sit and chat, and I can tell Dale’s trying to drag my mind away from my marital situation. He’s telling me about the guest room he has, and how his daughters would love having me around.

  Although he’s being generous, Trent is first and foremost in my mind. I’m frightened of him and his capabilities, and I’m struggling with even asking Shayne for help, let alone asking Dale to put himself, his wife, and his daughters in harm’s way.

  Trent will try to kill me. There’s no doubt in my mind he has the ability and the sadistic nature to do so. As my mind swims with fear of Trent, Dale gets a phone call from downstairs saying two people are waiting for me.

  “Thank you for everything,” I say as I stand.

  Dale comes out from behind his desk, and blankets me in another hug. “Whatever I can do to help you, you let me know.”

  “Thank you for everything.” I leave his office and go downstairs to Shayne and Liam.

  Shayne opens her arms the moment she takes in my appearance and I fly into them. “You’ve left him, haven’t you?” she whispers. I nod my head, confirming her question. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

  “I have to go to the bank first.”

  She lets go of my shoulders and looks at me. “Bank?”

  “I’ll explain everything in the car, I just need to go to the bank.”

  “Okay, we’ll come with you.”

  We link our fingers together, and walk down toward the Bank of America. Liam’s four steps behind us, giving us space. When we walk in, Liam sits at one of the chairs lining the wall, and Shayne stands beside me in line.

  When I get called, I give the teller all my information and tell her I’d like to withdraw some money. It’s only fair I take what I think belongs to me, so I’ll take forty thousand, and leave the other half for Trent.

  “How much would you like?” the pretty, young teller asks me.

  “What’s the balance?”

  “Here you go.” She turns the monitor and shows me the account balance. Three thousand and fifty-eight dollars and ninety-two cents.

  “What?!” I half scream, completely floored by the lack of funds.

  “Is there a problem?” she asks looking worriedly between me and the screen.

  “There’s supposed to be over eighty thousand dollars in there.”

  “I see there’s been some recent activity on the account. Let me have a look.” She hits some keys and then says, “Here you go. There was a check cut to a car dealership, um, let me see which dealership, for fifty-five thousand.” She taps away. “This is the BMW dealership downtown.”

  I turn to Shayne, shaking my head. “He bought a car.”

  “And there was another check cut to another dealership, here.” She taps again, bringing up the details. “This one is to Toyota for twenty thousand dollars.”

  “He bought two cars, not just one, with my damn money,” I say to Shayne. Shayne’s not saying anything, just shaking her head. I turn back to the teller and say, “I’ll withdraw everything in that account and have my name taken off it.”

  “I’ll have to get a manager to do that,” she says. “I’ll be back in a moment.” She locks her window, and leaves Shayne and myself standing their dumbfounded and speechless.

  “This is unbelievable,” I say as I look around the bank about to cry again. Can this day get any worse?

  An older man, who’s soft around the center with no hair on his head comes and introduces himself. He leads me to a private office, and we sit for fifteen minutes taking my name off that account and opening another in just my name. When we’re done, I walk out with just over three thousand dollars in my new bank account and the clothes on my back. I go back into work, and quickly speak to Dale, giving him my new bank details then leave with Shayne and Liam.

  I’m going to start my life over again.

  “Hey, I made hot chocolates,” Shayne says, as she comes into the guest room and sits on the bed I’ve been occupying for the last three days. “Why don’t you come have some with us?”

  I look over at the clock and see just how late it is. “It’s nearly eleven; I just want to sleep,” I say as I turn over in the bed. I went into work and spoke with Dale and Peter, and they both agreed I’m too valuable to the company to be on the floor. I’ve been given a pay raise of five thousand a year, and the position of Peter’s personal assistant. Peter told me he’d review my performance in six months, and will adjust my pay accordingly.

  “Too bad. This is the first time in, I don’t know how many years, I have my best friend back,” she says as she pushes on my body. “I’m not going to waste the opportunity.”

  I smile because Shayne is, if nothing else, tenacious. “Okay, get me my…I mean your slippers.” I point to the bottom of the bed.

  She chuckles, gets up and throws them at my head. “Here’s your slippers.” She’s laughing, and I can’t help but laugh, too. “Now, get your butt out of bed, or I’ll sit on your head and fart.” Again, she makes me laugh, and she leaves the room, laughing too.

  I get up and walk out to their kitchen. Liam is sitting on one of the stools sipping his hot chocolate, and Shayne sits and picks her mug up too. “Why does this feel like an intervention?” I ask as I sit and look into my mug. “If it is, then I think I should at least get a couple of marshmallows in my mug.”
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  “Oh good idea, and tomorrow night, we’re having s’mores. Can you get the fire pit going?” she asks Liam.

  “Yeah I should be able to, unless it snows.”

  “It hasn’t snowed yet, so it probably won’t tomorrow night either.”

  Liam goes to the cupboard and gets the marshmallows, putting them down in front of us. I pick two up and pop them into my hot chocolate.

  “You know we love you, right?” Shayne starts saying.

  It’s never good when someone starts the conversation off with a statement like that, then adds, ‘right?’ on the end of it. “Yeah,” I say, drawing out the word. “But…?” I include, “there’s always a ‘but’.”

  “Well, Liam and I have been talking…”

  “No, sweetheart, you’ve been talking and I’ve been listening,” Liam butts in.

  “Yes, that too.” Shayne pokes her tongue out Liam playfully. “Liam and I have been talking,” she emphasizes his name. “And we think you should go back to the university. You always wanted to become an English teacher. Now I think you should do it.”

  “It’s all her, not me, I had nothing to do with this,” Liam says throwing his hands up in mock surrender.

  “It’s okay. It’s a great idea. But I can’t. I need to work, and my scholarship became void once I dropped out.”

  “You can work part time at the supermarket, and maybe do some proofreading to supplement your wages and take a course or two,” Shayne excitedly says, as she bounces in her seat.

  “You’ve put a lot of thought into this,” I say, watching her enthusiasm as she beams toward me.

  “Oh my God, have I! I think you can do it, Lily. Really, I think you can. You’re the smartest person I know. And even though it’ll mean you’ll be super busy, if there’s anyone who can do it, it’s you.” She takes a deep breath and smiles at me. “I know you can do it.” She points at herself. “He knows you can do it.” She points to Liam, and Liam’s nodding with a goofy smile on his face. “And you know you can do it.” She points to me. “You’ve lived your entire life in hell. Now, it’s time to move to heaven.” She smiles at me.

  I can’t help but feel the tears prickling behind my eyes. “I wouldn’t know where to start,” I say. “I’ve never proofread anything in my life. How am I supposed to do something like that? I wouldn’t even know where to find anyone to ask them if I could work on their book.”

  “Well…” Shayne starts saying, jumping up and down in her seat again. “One of the girls who works for us has written a romance book and she’s looking for a second pair of eyes. I could always ask her. I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

  This is overwhelming to me. I’ve never considered doing anything like this before. “Um, I suppose I can give it a try,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “But what if I suck?”

  “You won’t suck. You’ll be great.”

  “What if she hates what I do?”

  “Then she can find someone else to double-check it.”

  “What if I cost her sales because I’m really no good?”

  Liam chuckles and I look over to him. “You have to have faith in yourself, Lily. Really, you do. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll do it, she won’t like what you do, and you’ll part ways. No hard feelings.”

  “I suppose I can try.”

  “Yay.” Shayne claps her hands together. “I’ll tell her in the morning, she’ll be so excited.”

  “I’ve been thinking about something, too.” I look down at my hot chocolate and avoid both Shayne’s and Liam’s eyes. “I’ve been thinking it might be a good idea to start seeing a psychologist, maybe they can help me deal with all these feeling I’m having.”

  “This is the best night ever!” Shayne shrieks, as she leaps out of her chair and hugs me tightly. “You’re so strong, Lily. I know it, I can feel it in my bones, you’re going to be the best proofreader around. You mark my words, you’re going to be fantastic. And when you find a psychologist, you’re going to be even stronger still.”

  “Thank you,” I say, though I do have my reservations. As we sip our hot chocolate, Shayne and Liam are making sweet eyes at each and suddenly I feel as if I’m intruding in their own personal time. I finish drinking and take my mug over to the sink, rinsing it out. “Can I borrow your laptop, please? I want to do some research on proofreading and what it entails.”

  “Sure thing, buttercup,” Liam says as he winks at Shayne. A silent flirtation happens between the two, and I know I’m definitely overstaying my welcome out here in the kitchen. Liam gets up and goes to get their laptop and I hug Shayne and give her a kiss on the cheek. “It’s in your room, Lily,” Liam says, as he walks to stand beside his wife.

  “Goodnight, guys. And…” I look down, staring at the pink slippers on my feet. “Thank you for everything.”

  “You’re welcome,” Shayne happily cheers. I hear a clap and I turn to see Shayne jumping with the biggest, most beautiful grin on her face. “I might put some music on,” I say.

  “Good idea, ‘cause we’re gonna have wild monkey sex,” Liam says playfully.

  “Liam!” Shayne scolds him.

  “What? We are.” I chuckle then I hear him whisper; actually more like beg, “Please?”

  I go into the guest room, close the door and sit on the bed. The laptop is already open and the search engine is on the screen. First, I look into proofreading, and what exactly a proofreader does. I peruse many sites, and it becomes apparent to me, proofreaders check spelling, grammar, word repetition and punctuation. Some do more but when I go into the ‘more’ they do, it begins to cross over into copy editing, content editing and line editing. All things I’d need to study if I was to be successful.

  Once I’ve exhausted myself looking into proofreaders and what they do, I look for psychologists, specifically someone who specializes in domestic violence. The moment I type in the words ‘domestic violence psychologist’ it all becomes very real. The enormity of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks. A massive heaviness sits on my chest, I start to breathe very shallowly, desperately trying to suck air into my lungs.

  My hands are shaking, and I can’t seem to get a grip on myself. Sweat beads on the back of my neck, and despite the cold weather outside, I’m boiling and trembling with anxiety and nervousness. My vision is blurring and I can’t seem to make my blood cool and my pulse settle.

  Taking a few deep breaths, I’m finally calm enough to logically try and work through whatever the hell just happened. I close the laptop for a few moments, turn on the radio and find a station which is playing soothing music, and just lay on the bed and close my eyes.

  When my body is completely calm, and I feel all the tension disappear. I sit up in bed and turn to the laptop again. The search page has a list of psychologists who are located near work. Some work with children, others with trauma victims. As I scour the pages, trying to find someone, I come across a name of a doctor whose introduction reads, ‘Specializing in women who have suffered domestic abuse.’ The listing itself is simple, and on the third page of the search engine. I click on the link, and see a picture of her. Her name is Dr. Katherine Scott, and it says she’s the only one in her practice. For some unknown reason, her picture and her page tell me she’s the person who can help me. I open up my email, copy her email address and type out an email to her.

  I sit and look at the words I’ve typed, and delete them. I write something different, a shorter introduction, and again I delete it. It takes me over an hour of writing and deleting before I glare at the words I finally do write: “I need help.” The words are brutal, but also simple and to the point. I get up off the bed, and I pace back and forth in my room, stopping to stare at the three little words which have the potential to change my life. This is stupid, Lily. You’re an idiot.

  Going into the guest bathroom, I brush my teeth, and just to be sure, I brush them again. When I go back into my room, I look at the words and hope I’ve magically written something else. Something more
profound, maybe something which will make Katherine want to help me.

  I sit on the bed, close the laptop and continue listening to some music. All the while the words haunt me, and keep me coming back to what I’ve written.

  Do it, Lily. Take control.

  Opening the laptop, I see the words I’ve typed. They mock me, sitting there teasing me, silently saying I don’t need help, I’m strong enough to get past this on my own. Dad and Trent’s constant belittling creeps back in. “You’re so stupid,” they’d say. “You’re so ugly.” The taunts were always there. “No one will ever want you.”

  The mouse cursor continues to hover over the ‘send’ button. I want to send it, but what if she just laughs at me and says I really don’t have problems? What if she dismisses me? What if she’s right, and I can handle this on my own? “You’re the dumbest person I know.” Trent and Dad’s words whirl around in my mind. I feel like screaming as loud as I can, and pulling my hair out in frustration.

  As the turbulence spins in my head, a moment of absolute clarity occurs right as I’m feeling the most lost and vulnerable. The music changes track and for only a few seconds there’s no sound at all coming from the radio. The anguished torment roiling in my mind, becomes silent. Not a single sound can be heard. Not from the radio, not from the laptop, not even in my mind.

  And it’s then I realize this is one of the most important moments in my life.

  I may fall, I may stumble, I may even ask for help. But I am not weak. I am the strongest I’ve ever been.

  It’s my first day in my new role at work and Peter hasn’t left his desk the entire day. Candace is on her last week, and she’s been showing me everything I need to do in order to keep up with him. Peter also oversees another five stores in the district, but works out of this office. He’s barely spoken to me, but Candace assured me, this is just how he is.

  He came out a few times or buzzed through what he needed, and Candace stepped me through everything, giving me a complete run down on what happens on a Monday. I’ve been taking avid notes, because she also did say every day there’s something else that needs doing.