Ugly

by Margaret McHeyzer

  I love you, Lily.

  Dad.

  PS: You are worth it.

  Tears are falling on the aged, yellowing paper and I re-read it over and over again.

  A warm hand is placed on my shoulder, and I nuzzle into it. Max doesn’t need to say anything. And I don’t have the urge to speak either.

  Instead, I sit on the sofa, cross-legged and just stare out the window.

  I have not left Max’s apartment. I’ve stayed curled up on the sofa, or in his bed the entire time. Max invited Shayne and Liam over, and they came on Tuesday night. Shayne read the file, and all I could hear from her was an occasional gasp or an odd ‘damn’.

  Max called Peter and told him I won’t be in to work for the week, and why. Peter offered to come see me, but Max diplomatically declined.

  And last night, Max had arranged for Katherine to come talk to me. She was here for hours, Max was nothing less than the gentleman he’d always been. He gave us privacy by going to my apartment, and brought me food when she left.

  Today, I’ve started to eat again. Finally, after the intensive talk with Katherine, I’m finally able to start comprehending it all.

  “I still want to go to New York,” I say to Max who’s making me something to eat.

  “We can go next week.”

  “No.” I stand from where I’ve been lying. “We’re going this weekend.” I see Max’s lips turn up into a smirk. “I’m going to call Jolene.”

  “Okay, but I’m not traveling coach. If they can’t fly us first class, I’ll pay to fly us first class. And tell her…actually, just tell her I’ll take care of the flights and the accommodations.”

  “Okay,” I say as I head to Max’s bedroom, where he brought my laptop in case I wanted to do some work.

  I open up the emails, and jot down Jolene’s number, then call. The receptionist puts me through immediately.

  “Lily, I thought you weren’t interested,” Jolene says when she answers the call.

  “My sincere apologies, but I had some family matters come up. But I’m back now, and I’d like to take you up on your offer to come speak to you in New York. But I’ll make all relevant arrangements regarding flights and accommodation.”

  “Great, do you think you can come into the office on Saturday?”

  “Yes, that’s fine.”

  “Okay, well how about we make it ten in the morning?”

  “Fantastic, thank you.”

  “I’ll email you the address and a list of hotels nearby.”

  “Thank you.” We hang up and I go out to find Max watching TV. “I told her we’d be taking care of the hotel and flights.”

  “Great, I’ll make the arrangements.”

  “She’s sending me an email with the address and nearby hotels.”

  “Okay. Come sit here.” He taps the sofa beside him then lifts the remote to turn the TV off. “You look better.” I go and snuggle into his side.

  “I feel better, almost like I’m normal. At least I know now I did nothing wrong. But, I want to go see all their graves. I think I need to in order to put that part of my life to rest.”

  “When do you want to go?”

  “Now, after I have a shower.” I stand from the sofa and stretch. I pick up the paper that has the address of the cemetery.

  “I’ll go get ready, too. But you do realize, it’s a good five hours away.” He stands and starts to walk in toward his room.

  I nod my head. “I’m going to go back to my apartment. I need to wash and get changed and just start to feel like myself.”

  “Do you want to wait and I’ll come with you?”

  “No, I need to go and do it on my own. I’m seeing Katherine tomorrow morning, and I want to be able to say I’ve been there. I can’t keep holding onto this, I need to move forward.” I tilt my head to the side and lift an eyebrow. “Or at least start to move forward.”

  “Whatever you need, I’ll be here.” He kisses my temple and leaves me to leave.

  I stand and look down at the three small grave markers that have been destroyed by graffiti. Max has his arm wrapped around my waist.

  “This is strange,” I say as I continue to look at the three graves. “I’ve never known them to be loving, or even really coherent, but I feel something.”

  “What do you feel?”

  “Like my heart has broken, as if a part of me has been ripped apart and I can’t put it back together. It’s weird, because I don’t even know them, especially Wade, but I love him.”

  Max remains quiet, but he holds me closer to him, allowing me to use his body to steady myself. Eventually, I sit on the grass, and just stare. Max moves away, giving me privacy to do what I need in order to deal with this entire situation.

  “I’ve never known you, Wade. Actually, I’ve never known any of you. I lived with you, Mom and Dad, but now I know the version of you I lived with wasn’t really the people you were meant to be.”

  I wipe a stray tear from beneath my eye and keep looking at the memorials. “I dream of you.” I let out a humorless chuckle. “I dream of all of you. We’re usually out having a picnic and playing. You and Dad go exploring while Mom and I sit and play in the tall wildflowers. You like playing with my hair, Mom. You’re always touching it, and braiding it.” I smile at the thoughts of my beautiful dreams.

  “Wade, you and Dad go off and find things, and you’re always calling for me when you return.”

  I wipe more tears away from my eyes.

  “I remember some things. Like how your blond hair glowed in the sun, as if you were wearing a halo. I remember you couldn’t say the ‘L’s in my name, so you’d call me Wiwi. In my dream I love hearing your laugh, but now I know it’s not just in my dream.”

  I move so I’m sitting up on my knees and start to pick the weeds from around their graves. “What happened to you, Wade, I know now it was an accident. You weren’t supposed to run out on the street, and Dad wasn’t meant to kill you. It’s no one’s fault. Not mine, not Mom’s, not Dad’s and certainly not yours.”

  I take a deep breath and gather myself so I can tell them what I need to.

  “My whole life I thought I was worthless. When I left you, Dad, I went to live with Trent. He turned out to be a monster. I thought I was broken before I met him. I thought I needed him to make me whole. But he ended up ruining me. Breaking my spirit, and tearing apart my soul.”

  I look up to the darkening sky and watch as the clouds rapidly move in. The sky is beginning to turn gray and the sun has retired for the day.

  “But I don’t blame you, Mom and Dad. I wanted to. I wanted to say it’s because of you I was caught in an abusive relationship. But I can’t. It’s not your fault. We all suffered from that day forward, and we all suffered differently. You lost your life, Wade. Mom and Dad lost their minds, and I lost myself. But now it’s time for me to move on, because out of the four of us, I’m the only one who’s still breathing and has the option to move forward. I won’t make the mistake you made, Mom and Dad. I won’t let this consume me until it finally claims me. For that, I thank you. You’ve taught me a lesson, a valuable one.”

  “Lily, we’ve been here for a few hours, we need to head back,” Max says as he kneels beside me.

  “Just a couple more minutes.”

  He nods and kisses me on the lips. “I’ll be waiting by the car.”

  I go back to looking at their plain tombstones and decide I’ll do what they never could. I’m going to honor them in death, and pay them respect as their last living family member should. “I want you to know, no matter what you did to me, I always loved you.”

  I stand from the ground and brush loose grass off my legs. “Next time I return, I’m going to make sure you have decent headstones. Bye Mom, Dad, and Wade.” I blow them all a kiss. “I wish I knew all the people who died on that day.”

  Turning, I head toward Max with tears streaming down my face. “You ready to go home?” Max asks as he leads me back to his car.

  “I
am, but I’d like to get them proper headstones, not just those small insignificant ones.”

  “I can arrange that for you. And once they’re ready we can come back out if you like.”

  “Thank you. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle this without you.”

  “You would, because you’re the strongest person I know.” He opens my door, waits until I’m in, then he walks around the front of the car. Max gets in the car and silently sits looking at me. I think he’s checking to make sure I’m okay. After a few moments he starts the engine and we leave.

  Although I’ve done nothing since last week, I’m mentally exhausted and drained. During the five-hour car ride home, I sleep the entire time.

  “Wake up, Snowflake.” Max nudges me gently.

  “Hmmm,” I mumble, unable to open my eyes or keep them open. Suddenly I feel weightless as I’m being carried. I put my arms around Max’s neck and nuzzle into his neck. “Thank you,” I whisper. I inhale deeply and I’m wrapped in the beautiful scent of Max.

  “Shhh, I’ve got you, Snowflake,” he softly sighs. “I’ve got you.”

  I know we’re in Max’s apartment, because I feel the vast difference in size between my bed and his. His mattress is firmer and his bed is the biggest bed I’ve ever laid eyes on. Although I’m fighting sleep, I’m also suddenly very awake.

  Strange, yes I know. I’m somewhere between awake and sleeping, that space where if you close your eyes, your mind will begin to race. But if you keep your eyes open, all you want to do is sleep.

  Max takes off my shoes and lays them beside his. “Do you want to take a shower?” he asks.

  “I’d like to have a bath,” I say as I stretch my arms over my head.

  “I’ll go draw it for you.” He goes to his huge bathroom, and I can hear the water running. He comes back in, gets me a t-shirt and boxer briefs, then takes them into the bathroom. I watch as he does all these things for me.

  When the bath is ready, he comes and sits on the bed beside me, stroking my face. “Your bath is ready. I’ve dimmed the lights and put on some soft music for you. I want you to eat something, too. So I can either make you some toast, or I can call for take-out?”

  I look up at him and admire him. The way he’s looking at me, the tenderness of his touch and his protective nature, his wanting to care for me, all of that pushes me further into the zone of love. He truly is perfect. “Thank you, Max. I know I’ve said it to you before, but thank you. You truly are amazing.”

  He leans down and kisses me. “You’re my snowflake. I’d do anything for you.”

  “I’m understanding just how much of yourself you give to me.”

  “And I want to give you so much more. But for now, I want you to go enjoy your bath.” He holds his hand out to me and helps me out of the bed. “I’ll make toast,” he adds even though I didn’t give him an answer. But toast is perfect, because it’s all I can stomach.

  I go into the bathroom, strip and sink into the large bath. The warm water embraces me, and soothes everything. Why is it soaking in a hot bath, with soothing music and dimmed lighting, actually feels good? I have no idea, but I revel in the decadence and comfort of this moment.

  When I get out, I feel so much more relaxed and calm, as if every problem has been erased and all I’m left with is a warm, fuzzy feeling I can identify as happiness. I go out to the kitchen and Max is preparing toast and hot chocolates. “Extra marshmallows,” he says as he looks down at one of the hot chocolates.

  “Thank you, just what I need.” I sit on a stool at the breakfast bar and I watch Max spread peanut butter on two pieces of toast. “Thank you,” I say, as he slides the plate over to me.

  “I’d prefer you to eat more. You haven’t eaten much since you got the envelope, and I was beginning to worry.”

  “I have you taking care of me.”

  He grins at me, and we eat in silence, just relaxing to the soft sounds of the mellow music Max has playing throughout the apartment. When we finish, we opt to leave everything as it is, and we head to bed. Once we brush our teeth, we climb into bed together.

  As my eyes begin to drift, Max holds me tight against his warm body.

  “One day, will you tell me about your tattoos?” I ask as I rest my head on his chest and he drags his fingers softly through my hair.

  “There’s nothing to tell. I wanted them, and I got them. The tiger I got because I find the tiger a noble and strong animal, and the phoenix I got because I like how it can rise from its ashes and become stronger than its past.”

  “Wow. For you it’s all about strength.”

  “Mental strength. Now shh, you have to be up early tomorrow. You’re seeing Katherine and we’re flying out to New York.”

  My eyes are already closed and I can barely make out any sounds.

  The exhaustion of today has knocked me out. I drift off to sleep and have the most peaceful slumber I’ve had in a long time.

  “I love you,” Max tells me in my dream.

  “I love you,” I respond.

  “How was your session with Katherine?” Max asks as I try and settle in my seat.

  “Um.” I’m so nervous. This is the first time I’ve ever been on an airplane. “You sure these things are safe?” I ask, completely forgetting Max even asked me a question. Logically I know the chance of crashing is virtually non-existent, but that doesn’t stop my nerves from tap dancing inside my body.

  “Relax, it’ll be fine.” Max grips my hands. “You’re shaking,” he says as he squeezes my hand in comfort.

  I look around the plane, making note of all the exits, and looking above to see where my life jacket is. “I’ve never been on a plane before.”

  “It may be your first, but it won’t be your last. Take it easy. When the plane takes off, I’ll get you a drink.”

  My eyes are darting around everywhere. “Okay,” I say and finally sit back in my seat.

  “Ladies and gentleman, please prepare for takeoff,” the captain says over the loud speaker.

  I react violently to his announcement. I feel like I’m going to be sick, my heart is racing right out of my chest and there’s a knot the size of Texas sitting in the pit of my stomach. “Do you need a sick bag? You’re looking really white,” Max offers as he indicates for the air hostess to come over.

  “I think that may be a good idea. I’m not feeling my best,” I say.

  “Sir, can I help you?” the cute blonde says to Max.

  “An air bag please.”

  She looks at Max and squints as if he’s speaking an ancient language. It’s times like this I realize how bad Max’s stutter can be. She doesn’t know what he’s saying, even though I no longer hear it. “I’m going to be sick,” I say before Max repeats himself and feels bad because she’s struggling to understand him.

  The air hostess comes back with two, very thick, white bags and hands them to me. “Anything else I can help you with?” she asks sympathetically. I shake my head and go back to concentrating on my breathing.

  Within a few moments the plane is taking off, and I’m gripping onto Max’s arm as if we’re about to fall out of the sky. We’re up and gliding before I know it, and my ears are desperate to pop. I yawn, and yawn and try everything. Finally, holding my nose and sealing my lips, I blow air out and my ears pop. “That’s better,” I say relieved my head has been depressurized.

  Max has been sitting beside me, wordlessly suffering as my nails dig into him and watching me as I try to acclimatize myself to the cabin pressure in the plane. He of course has a wicked smirk on his face, and he looks completely amused at my total inexperience with flying. “Better?” he asks once my ears pop.

  “Yeah. But I could do with a drink. Some water.”

  Max presses the buzzer and when the flight attendant comes, I order us two waters. She returns fairly rapidly, and I open my bottle and drink virtually half of it in one go. “Thirsty?” Max pointedly looks toward my water bottle.

  “Nervous,” I answer.
/>   “Now, tell me about Katherine. How did it go?”

  “Really well. I told her about everything, showed her the letter Dad wrote me. She says I’m doing well, and you know what? I actually feel like I am. She says it’s because I’m ready to move on with everything, but I just need some help along the way. I don’t think I’ll ever have a time without seeing her, but I may be able to cope with not seeing her every week. But for now, I really think I need her and how she helps me understand things.”

  Max sips on his water. “But you’ve always been far beyond your years. Maybe that day will come sooner, rather than later.”

  I half chuckle and look around me. The seats in first class aren’t too close together, but they’re close enough for other people to hear if we’re speaking at a normal tone. I lower my voice and answer, “That’s because I was forced to grow up and become as self-sufficient as I could be from a young age. I may be mature, but I’ve missed out on so many things, too. Up until now I’ve never been on a plane, or a boat for that matter, or even a train. I’ve never been to an amusement park, or the theatre or even a museum. I never went on any field trips at school, or my high school prom. I haven’t experienced any of the things that mold us to be the adults we are. Instead, I was making my own lunch at the age of six. After Wade died, Mom took me to school for a week then told me to find my own way there and back. When I got head lice at the age of eight because it was going around school, I cut my own hair because I didn’t know how to get them out. I had the same toothbrush for years, and finally got a new one when Mom died, because I took hers. These aren’t things a kid should ever go through, but I did.”

  Max lifts his hand and cups my face, delicately running his thumb under my left eye. I close my eyes and lean into his gentle and warm touch. “You’re so strong, Snowflake.”

  “Thank you.”

  I open my eyes to his own heated, darkening gaze looking at me. “I’m glad you asked me to come along. Because I also have something planned we’ll be doing over the weekend. New York City is beautiful and busy. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. There are people everywhere, and yellow cabs, my God, cabs as far as the eye can see. I’ve got a busy few days lined up for us. But tonight, once we get to our hotel, it’ll be nice and easy. A massage, and then dinner.”