A Kiss to Dream On

by Neesa Hart

  “Cammy—”

  “And you didn’t have to take responsibility for raising her hopes in the first place.”

  “All right.” He glared at her. “I’ve had enough of this. You know I hate what happened to Amy. It sucks. It’s unfair, and I resent it as much as you do, but you’re not doing anybody any good by sitting here telling me this is your fault. You’re smarter than that.”

  The phone rang again. She glared at it. “Congresswoman Meyerson doesn’t think so.”

  “Congresswoman Meyerson is an idiot. And I’ll say that for the record. Damn it, Cammy, the hounds of hell are at your heels and it’s Jackson Puller’s fault.”

  “No kidding.” Jackson’s voice sounded from the doorway.

  Cammy swung her gaze to his. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” He looked exhausted, and rumpled, and much better than she thought he should. “How bad has it been?”

  Mike glared at him. “Like hell, only worse.”

  “I had no idea, Cam. You have to believe me—”

  “You didn’t cause this.”

  “I’ve been chasing down these jerks all day.” He waved a newspaper at her. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen the afternoon edition of the Star yet, have you?”

  “Do I want to?”

  He shook his head. “Can I at least preface this by telling you that I think their editor-in-chief is the scum of the earth?”

  Mike growled. “What’s that muckraking SOB got to say?”

  Jackson kept his eyes trained on Cammy as he laid the newspaper on her desk. It fell open to a picture of her and Jackson leaving St. Elizabeth’s mental hospital. The caption read, “Deaf shrink crazy too?” A brief summary of her methodology, a description of the Wishing Star program, and a suggestive comment about her relationship with Jackson followed. She groaned and slapped the paper shut. “Great.”

  Mike snatched it from her hand. Jackson leaned one hip on the edge of her desk. “Lord, Cam, I’m sorry. I know how you feel about this.”

  Cammy pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes. “Do you?”

  Mike swore beneath his breath. Cammy didn’t look at him. Jackson’s hand landed on her shoulder. “Listen to me,” he urged. “I’ll fix this. I promise you, I will fix this.”

  “Tell that to Congresswoman Meyerson.”

  “I already did. I stopped by her office on the way over.”

  “I’m sure she agreed to call off the hunt.”

  “I haven’t even thrown my first punch yet. Give me a little credit, will you?”

  “For what?” Mike said angrily. “Making her life miserable?”

  Jackson winced. Cammy gave Mike a chastising glance. “Mike, it’s okay. Really.” He frowned. She nodded. “Really.” She glanced at Jackson. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

  “Besides groveling?” He glanced at her and looked quickly away. “I’m on a mercy mission. I called a friend of mine and got three tickets to the ballet tonight. I thought you and I could take Amy. It might help.”

  Cammy swallowed. “I think maybe we should talk first.”

  He probed her with an intent stare but said nothing as Mike stomped out of the room. When Costas shut the door behind him, Jackson rounded the desk. He took both of Cammy’s hands in his. “How mad are you?”

  She gave him a sad smile. “I’m not mad.”

  He studied her face. “You’re sure?”

  “I’m sure.” Pushing away from her desk, she freed her hands from his grasp and crossed to the window. “I hadn’t counted on this, I’ll admit, but it’s not your fault.”

  “I had no idea that series would generate this kind of interest.”

  She glanced at him over her shoulder. “You really didn’t, did you?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not usually even in the country when a story hits.” He shrugged helplessly. “Amy was so—engaging. People fell in love with her. They wanted to help her. And she was right here. Leo, and the others, they were in distant countries. People responded to them, but they didn’t feel compelled to do anything with that response.”

  “I’ve heard it said that you’re partially responsible for the current interest in foreign adoptions.”

  He frowned. “That sounds a little far-fetched. I’m not that good a writer. Why are we talking about this?”

  “Because I have something I need to say to you, and I’m stalling for time.”

  He surged off the edge of her desk and crossed the room in three quick strides. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he gently kneaded the tense muscles. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

  She drew a settling breath. “It’s about us.”

  “That’s becoming my favorite topic.”

  Meeting his gaze in the window, she shook her head. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. I—I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other any more.”

  He went perfectly still. “Excuse me?”

  She plunged ahead before she lost her nerve. “What happened this morning should have told you something.”

  “It did. What happened this morning is that I woke up alone, and I didn’t like it. I hated it. I hated it so much that I decided that, if I could help it, I never wanted to do it again.”

  “Jackson, don’t.”

  “I told you that I’m a better person with you than I am without you, and that I want to keep being that person.” He looked at her narrowly. “For the rest of my life.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I want a huge wedding, where I can tell every person in this city that I’m in love with you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Then we’ll have a small wedding, but either way—”

  She shoved his hands away. “Stop it.” Drawing a sharp breath, she pushed away from him. “I’m serious.”

  “Honey—”

  “No.” Cammy briefly clenched her eyes shut. When she opened them again, she saw the stubborn set of his face. “Listen to me. Just shut up and listen.”

  “I’m afraid of what I’ll hear.”

  She ignored him. “This—thing.” She waved a hand at her desk. “All these reporters calling. The next few weeks are going to be chaos for me. Not only do I have the fund-raiser coming up, but now I’ve got inquiries into my methods and ethics in dealing with these kids. I’m going to have to take a hard and very public look at who I am, and what I’m doing.”

  “You didn’t—”

  “Please let me finish.”

  His expression turned mutinous, but he nodded.

  Cammy exhaled a long breath. “On top of that, my mother’s health is steadily declining. There’s every chance she won’t live much longer. Bruce says things don’t look good.”

  “Let me help you.”

  “You’ve done enough,” she snapped, without really knowing why.

  His eyebrows lifted. “You are mad.”

  “I am not mad. Quit telling me what I feel. I happen to be an expert in what I feel.”

  “You think so?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then tell me you’re not in love with me.”

  “Damn it, that’s exactly what I’m talking about.” She pressed the heels of her hands to her temples. “Can you even imagine the kind of pressure I’m under right now?”

  Before she realized he’d crossed the room, his hands were covering hers. “Yes.”

  “I don’t think so,” she argued, but didn’t pull away when he eased her into his arms. “I swore to myself a long time ago that I’d never again get manipulated into trying to meet other people’s expectations. It never occurred to me that I’d fail to meet my own.”

  “Cammy, you have got to listen to me. What happened to Amy is no more your fault than what happened to Leo was mine.”

  She tilted her head back to look at him. “At least I taught you a thing or two.”

  “You taught me more than you can possibly imagine.” He smoothed her hair off her forehead. “You showed Amy how to dream, and you’re helping he
r find the tools to make those dreams come true. Just because she’s faced a setback does not mean she has to give up those dreams. It also doesn’t mean you were reckless to give them to her.”

  “A lot of people think I was.”

  “Then a lot of people are wrong.” His hands moved up and down her spine. “Lord, Cam, don’t you think I know what you’re going through? I went through this when Leo died. The self-doubt is worse than anything anyone else hurls at you. It will eat you alive.”

  Her fingers twisted in the soft fabric of his shirt as she gathered her courage. “It’s more than that, Jackson. I spent a lifetime feeling I’d disappointed the people I loved. I can’t go through that again. I won’t go through that again.”

  He was silent a long moment. “Sweetheart.” His voice sounded wary. “Are you worried that you’re going to disappoint me?”

  The words sliced at her already lacerated heart. “You don’t understand. There are things I haven’t told you. Things I should have told you. You can’t get involved with me.”

  “If I get any more involved with you, I’ll have to have your name tattooed on my forehead.”

  She used what was left of her resistance to push away from him again. “Then it’s my fault for letting things go too far. I thought—I hoped—that it wouldn’t come to this. I never intended for this to happen. You weren’t supposed to fall in love with me.”

  “It has been my unfortunate experience that you don’t get to plan something like that. If people only loved when they were supposed to, most of the world’s problems would disappear.”

  She ignored him. “I should have been up front with you from the start. I don’t know how I let it get away from me.”

  He leaned against her desk again. “Tell me now,” he said quietly.

  Once again, she walked to the window. The story was easier when she couldn’t see that tender look in his eyes. “Years ago I made the decision that I could never marry.”

  “After Leslie?” he probed.

  “Yes. My father pointed out some hard facts to me that I had to accept.” She thought she heard him swear, but she didn’t turn around. “Facts like, there’s a better than average chance that I could have inherited my mother’s predisposition to mental disorder. That in a few months, or few years, I could start sliding into that same pit. And when I did, I’d take whoever I could with me. It destroyed my parents’ marriage. In some ways, it destroyed their lives. It would be irresponsible and selfish for me to expose someone else to that kind of risk.”

  “Cammy—”

  “There’s more,” she interrupted. “Because of that reality, this is really more of a blessing than a curse. At the time, I didn’t think so, but I’ve come to recognize the truth of it.” She drew a deep breath. “I can never have children.” Finally, she turned from the window to face him. “I’m sterile. I couldn’t give you children.” With a brief shake of her head, she continued. “That wouldn’t be fair to you, Jackson.”

  He watched her for long seconds. She could see him turning the information over in his head. “So because of this,” he said cautiously, “you’ve made the decision that you have to be fair to me.”

  “Don’t you see? I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that you can live with it. But you can’t. Even if I never end up as ill as my mother, you love children. You want children. You deserve children. I’ve never known a man who’d make a better father than you.”

  “I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t see that in my future, but hell, Cam, there are other—”

  “No. No matter what you think now, you couldn’t live with it for thirty years. I saw what it did to my parents.”

  “I am not your father.” His voice had taken on an edge.

  “I know. You’re a better man than he was. But it’ll take its toll, Jackson. Infertility is one of the leading causes of divorce.”

  “I don’t give a damn about some statistic you read in a professional journal, or whatever poison that bastard who fathered you pumped into your head.”

  “I didn’t expect you to understand.”

  “Did you expect me to argue?”

  “Yes.”

  “And had you already decided that nothing I could say would change your mind?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I can’t win, can I?”

  “I didn’t mean—”

  “Cammy, I am not going to stand here all day and try to argue with you when I know damn good and well I’m not going to change your mind.” He raked a hand over his face in frustration. “But I am not walking away from you either. So you might as well get that through your thick head.”

  “You’ve got to listen to me,” she urged him. “I’ve had more time to think about this than you have.”

  “You’ve had thirty years to obsess over it is what you mean. I hate to break this to you, Dr. Glynn, but you don’t get to tell me what I do and do not want.”

  “It’s a pattern—”

  “You analyze minds, you don’t read them.”

  “You’re angry.”

  “Hell, yes, I’m angry. You’re trying to throw me out of your life over something that may or may not even happen. Damn it, Cammy. If you can’t have children, we’ll deal with it. As for the other, your mother is a bitter, angry woman who has filled your head with a lot of misconceptions about the way love should be. Maybe you’ve never had the advantage of seeing how love really works, but in my experience, you don’t choose it. Love isn’t some well-ordered organized emotion that you can steer around. It chooses you. And I can’t just grow a new heart because you’ve decided that you get to tell me how I should live my life.”

  “I’m not trying to do that.”

  He bit off a curse. “Look, this is going nowhere.”

  Her phone rang again. They both stared at it. When it finally stopped, she raised stricken eyes to his. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, too, because I can’t not do it. I’m not giving up, Cammy.”

  “You will.”

  “Don’t bet on it.” He watched her through narrowed eyes. “Look, I came by here to apologize for what’s going on, let you know I’m doing my best to squash it, and find out what time I should pick you up for the ballet tonight. The show’s at seven. Do you want me to get you before, or after, I pick up Amy?”

  “Have you listened to a word I’ve said?”

  “Yep. I heard all of them, and I’m ignoring all of them. Are you going with us tonight or not?”

  “I don’t think it would be—”

  “Yes or no, Cam. That’s all I want to know.”

  She drew a deep breath. The outing, she knew, would be immeasurably beneficial to Amy. That seemed to matter more than forcing her point with Jackson right now. “Fine. I’ll meet you here at six.”

  He nodded. “Okay, we’ll pick up Amy on the way to the Kennedy Center.”

  The tight sound in his voice made Cammy wince. “Jackson—”

  He held up his hand. “Forget it. If we argue about this any more, I’m probably going to say something I regret. Think about it all you want, Cammy, but you are not getting rid of me until you come up with a better reason.” He pressed a short, hard kiss to her lips. “Sorry, babe. If you wanted a quitter, you’re dealing with the wrong guy.”

  He strode from the room before she could respond.

  sixteen

  The following afternoon, Jackson walked into Mike Costas’s office and slammed the door. “What the hell am I going to do?” he demanded.

  Mike raised his eyebrows. “Nice to see you, too, Puller. I wasn’t aware you had an appointment.”

  “I don’t.” He dropped into the chair across from Mike’s desk. “I need help.”

  “I’ve been saying that for weeks.”

  “Do you mind keeping the snide remarks to a minimum? I’m a little short on patience today.”

  “Cammy,” Mike said quietly.

  Jackson nodded. “You’ve got to tell m
e what to do.”

  “How much has she told you?”

  “Everything.”

  “And you’re still here?” Mike nodded approvingly. “I had a feeling about you from the start, you know.”

  Jackson ignored that. “She’s scared. I know that. I understand it. I scared myself when I admitted so much to her.”

  “Cammy has some very unusual ideas about relationships.”

  “I know. And I almost wish her father wasn’t dead. I’d kind of like to strangle the bastard.”

  “Durstan isn’t the only reason she’s afraid of what’s happening between the two of you.”

  Jackson frowned. “Children. She thinks I can’t handle not having children.” He wiped a hand through his hair. He’d been processing that piece of information since yesterday afternoon. “We don’t have to have children. There are other options.”

  “And she’s afraid you’ll resent her the same way her father resented her mother.”

  “The guy’s dead. How do I get past that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Jackson glared at Mike. “Thanks.”

  A ghost of a smile played at the corner of Costas’s mouth. “There’s not an easy answer to this, Puller. It’s not like prescribing antibiotics for an infection.” He shrugged. “Cammy’s under tremendous pressure. She’s taking this business with Amy Patterson very hard. I’ve never seen her doubt herself before.”

  “It wasn’t her fault. We saw the child last night. As far as I can tell, she’s coping fine. She’s sad, but hardly desolate.”

  “Did you happen to catch the report on CNN last night?”

  He’d been at the ballet, brooding about Cammy, who’d sat two seats down from him and barely met his gaze all evening. “No.”

  “Ever hear the name Jeffrey Herrington?”

  “From Cammy. He’s that activist who is so opposed to cochlear procedures, isn’t he?”

  “He’s been at odds with Cammy and Wishing Star for the past couple of years. He lost two or three legislative battles, as well as some grant funding that went to Cammy’s foundation. This little episode was all the bait he needed for a full-blown media event. He’s lobbying Meyerson for hearings.”