Risk

by Baylin Crow

  I shrugged. “I draw a lot. She liked that one.”

  “What else do you draw?” he asked as Claire pulled away.

  “A little bit of everything.” I shrugged again. “But I love doing portraits and landscapes.”

  “Do you have any drawings I can look at?” His response was quick.

  “Sure,” I said puzzled by his eagerness. One of my sketch pads lay on the coffee table so I went back inside to grab it.

  When I returned, I handed him the bundle of my work. As he flipped through, his brows drew down in concentration, but his face remained unreadable. Then his face lit up as he flashed me the page where Asher’s face stared back at me. He must have noticed my unease as my eyes darted away, because he quickly went back to scanning the pages. When he was done, his eyes seemed to study me. “Have you ever thought about tattooing?”

  “What?” I asked with a frown just as Asher joined us on the balcony.

  Asher’s gaze moved to what Blake held in his hands and he smiled. “He’s amazing, right?”

  “Yeah, he’s definitely got some talent. Why didn’t you tell me before?” Blake asked as he closed the sketch pad and handed it back to me.

  Asher was quiet for a second before looking from me to Blake. “I never thought about it, I guess. Why?”

  He ignored Asher. “Drew, how would you feel about coming to the shop and hanging out for a bit?”

  “Uh, sure,” I stammered. My gaze shot to Asher’s grinning face and back to Blake. Why did he want me to come hang out? Our mutual love of art? He shouldn’t want to be around me after with the way I acted the first time we met. At least I wouldn’t. We agreed I’d pop in next Friday night after work.

  Mags came to the sliding door. “Cake time, Drew. We’re ready to sing.” Asher and Blake snickered, and my cheeks heated. Mags gave them both admonishing looks. “I hope to hear you boys the loudest.” It was my turn to laugh when they both groaned.

  After an embarrassing moment of everyone singing and then staring as I blew out the candles, I drew in a relieved breath when Claire and Asher said I could open my gifts after the party if I wanted to. I did. With a belly full of food and cake, I was exhausted.

  Some of the guys from the gym were talking about their upcoming fights as we sat around on the couch when my phone dinged a low battery notification in my pocket. “Be right back,” I said as I rose. Asher met my gaze from his position on the other end of the couch. “Phone’s almost dead,” I explained. He nodded and I excused myself to the others.

  When I stepped into my room, I rounded the bed and grabbed my charger to connect my phone. As I was setting it down on the nightstand, the sound of my door shutting thudded behind me. Spinning around, I found Asher leaning back against the door.

  “I can’t believe you did this.” I shook my head and smiled. Though the gathering was pretty small, it was the biggest one I’d ever had, and better because all the people I cared about had come. “Thank you.” My feet carried me across the room until I was standing in front of him. His arms went around my waist and pulled me in close.

  “Claire did most of it, but you’re welcome.” And then those full lips were pressed against mine as he walked me backward until the back of my knees bumped against the bed. He made me feel so much—emotions I didn’t know how to define. Every time I tried to haul those feelings back in, there he was, pulling them from me over and over again.

  “You can’t have your way with me while everyone’s still here,” I murmured against his lips.

  His chuckle vibrated against my ravished lips. “I can if you stay quiet. Can you stay quiet, Drew?” He didn’t let me reply as he devoured my mouth again, teasing me with that wicked tongue.

  The creaking of the door caught me off guard, and I yanked back only to be met with my wide-eyed best friend who politely coughed into her fist, mumbling, “Excuse me” with a poorly hidden grin behind her hand. She spun on her heels and left quickly.

  “Fuck. Shit.” My eyes shot to Asher’s. His were wide, almost panicked. Fuck.

  “I didn’t lock the door,” Asher said. His voice sounded odd, and I needed to talk to him about this, but first, I had a rogue best friend to chase down.

  “I’ll be right back,” I grumbled and hurried after her, softly shutting the door behind me. The last thing I needed was to draw more attention. She was halfway down the hall already. “Claire, hang on a sec.”

  “Yes, Drew?” She turned. I had no idea what to say and couldn’t interpret the look she was giving me. “Something you’d like to say? Maybe something you forgot to mention to me?”

  “Cut the crap, Claire. I’d say it’s not what it looks like, but that would be a lie, and we don’t lie to each other.”

  “Well, you definitely omitted something. When did this start?” She gestured back to my room.

  I cast a glance down the hall toward the living room to see if anyone was nearby before I replied. Twisting my hands nervously, I said, “Honestly I’m not sure. I fought it for so long I don’t know when things started to change.”

  “I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m not shocked. Two men, one my best friend,” she enunciated, “and both of whom seemed to enjoy a lady’s company, just got busted sucking face. My brain hasn’t quite caught up. Are you two together or something?”

  “Or something.” That didn’t feel right though and I grimaced.

  “Oh,” she whispered.

  “What, oh?” My brows drew down and I frowned.

  “You want it to be more?” She nodded to herself as if she’d solved the riddle of Drew.

  “What? That’s not… That isn’t…” My heart stalled. She was fucking right. This wasn’t good. “Yeah, I think I might,” I admitted to her and myself for the first time.

  “Do you love him?” She tilted her head.

  I sighed. “Maybe? I think so.” Shit. I did. I loved Asher, and I couldn’t pinpoint when that had happened. Maybe it was something that had been growing all along, adding up to this moment.

  She reached out and grabbed my hands. “Does he know or feel the same?”

  “He doesn’t know, and I’m not ready to tell him. I don’t think he’s looking for anything serious.” It gutted me to say that and to believe what I was saying was the truth.

  “Shit,” she said, looking over my shoulder.

  I glanced back, and my gaze collided with Asher’s stare. His expression was blank, emotionless, and distant—he’d caught every word I’d said.

  He walked away without saying another word, and I started after him, leaving Claire behind. He reached the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator, which I’d never seen him do.

  “Asher?” I whispered, trying not to be overheard.

  “We’ll talk later, okay? You have people here who showed up to celebrate your birthday. Go mingle. I’ll still be here after they leave.” He didn’t even look at me.

  “How much did you hear?” My voice cracked.

  He finally met my eyes, but only for a brief second. “All of it,” he all but spat. He sounded disgusted and the floor fell out from beneath my feet. When he walked away, I couldn’t risk making a scene, so I went back to the party which now seemed endless. I did my best to appear happy that these people had chosen to spend their time celebrating my birthday, but I couldn’t focus after what had happened earlier.

  Mags and Pete had cornered me in the kitchen and were talking about their new neighbors or something, but my mind kept drifting. Damn it, why did I have to say anything to Claire? I’d barely come to terms with it myself. So stupid.

  “You okay?” Uncle Pete’s voice broke through my thoughts.

  “Yeah, a little overwhelmed I guess.” Understatement.

  Mags wrapped me in her arms. “We love you so much. If there’s anything wrong, you can talk to me, okay?”

  I returned her hug with a nod. I wasn’t mentally present, but I couldn’t help it. Life had taken me for a ride, and I didn’t know the destination.
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br />   Preparing myself to talk to him, I went over the different scenarios. He might try to tell me I wasn’t feeling what I thought I was. Or possibly that this wasn’t working for him anymore, and I would need me to leave his apartment. The fear that thought conjured had me wanting the party to continue. I didn’t want to have to hear him say that.

  Unfortunately, about an hour later, the guests started to trickle out the door, leaving only me and Claire. Asher had disappeared somewhere, but I was pretty sure he was still in the apartment.

  “I’m sorry your party turned out like this.” She wrapped her arms around me. “You look scared out of your mind.”

  “I am scared. He shouldn’t have heard that. I wasn’t ready for him to know.” My stomach knotted when I pictured his face in the hallway. There was nothing. No emotion. And then the disgust. My stomach turned, and I worried I was going to be sick.

  She released me and took a step back. Her gaze roamed my face. “If he doesn’t want to be with you like that, then he’s an idiot and doesn’t deserve your love. If I didn’t see you as a brother, I’d have tried to chain you down a long time ago.” She smiled, but I couldn’t return it. I kept looking down the hall toward Asher’s door.

  She followed my gaze.

  “I’m going to get going. Call me if you need me.” She waited for me to agree and then hugged me tight. “Happy Birthday, Everly.”

  I walked Claire to the door, and after a peck on the cheek, I said goodnight and locked up behind her, leaving me in silence. Dreading the inevitable, I bit the bullet and went to Asher’s room. His door was closed, and because of what happened, I knocked, something I hadn’t done since that first Sunday in his bed. When there was no answer, I tried again.

  “Asher,” I called. “Hey, I’m sorry. We need to talk.” No answer. Asher had never shut me out before. Especially not since we started whatever it was we were doing. I twisted the knob and pushed open the door. The room was empty so I checked the en-suite. Also vacant.

  I did a quick scan of the rest of the apartment, including the balcony. He’d left. I sank down onto the couch, not knowing what to do.

  As the hours ticked by, I checked the clock and the door alternately. I’d texted him twice and received no response. With nothing to do but worry, I kept busy cleaning up the mess from the party. At two in the morning, and still no Asher, I gave up and went to my room.

  I lay on the bed, blurry eyes staring at the ceiling and chest aching under the crushing weight of regret. My fist rubbed in a circle over my heart. Well, I hadn’t seen my party ending this way. I squeezed my eyes closed, berating myself for being so careless with my confessions. Had this whole thing been a mistake? In the beginning, I’d thought my attraction a fluke, but it turned out, on my end, to be more than physical. Who knew the extent of Asher’s feelings toward me. Nonexistent? He wasn’t exactly being forthcoming. Even hurt, I realized I could never think of Asher as a mistake.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  DREW

  After work the next day, Asher wasn’t anywhere around. I hadn’t seen him all day, but I’d been in and out of the second office filing some paperwork for Pete. I may have just missed him. Either that or he was still avoiding me. Before the party, he seemed to be everywhere, and I’d had to try not to notice him, but now that I wanted—needed—to see him, he wasn’t there. The whole thing gave me a bad feeling.

  I hadn’t meant to fall in love with him. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have thought it possible. Things were going to change now, but I didn’t know how much. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t want me to continue living there. And honestly, I didn’t know if I could do that anyway, especially if he started hooking up with someone else.

  I’d make it easier on both of us and go back to his place to collect my things. Then I’d return to my uncle’s for the time being and start looking for another place to live again. I had enough money now and had been putting off leaving Asher’s. I didn’t know what reason I’d tell my uncle for moving back in, but I’d come up with something.

  As I was leaving the second office, I passed Pete’s open door and peeked in. My uncle was sitting at his desk, stuffing papers into a folder. “I’m leaving, Uncle Pete. Want me to lock up?”

  He glanced up at me and then the clock on the wall and shook his head. “No, I’m right behind you. I’m going out for a few drinks with the other coaches. Felix is going through a divorce. Poor guy.”

  “I didn’t know that. I hope he’s okay.” My own heart was breaking and I sympathized with the guy.

  “He will be. Don’t worry.” Pete rolled his chair back and then stood.

  “All right, well, I’m out of here. I’ll see you later.” Probably tonight, I added silently.

  Hoping Asher was home, so we could get this over with, I headed in the direction of his apartment building on foot. It was already dark outside, and I didn’t like the idea of walking, because apparently, I’d become spoiled riding with Asher every day.

  I hadn’t made it a mile when the sound of an engine slowed as it neared me from behind. When I glanced to the side, Asher’s truck idled next to the curb, and then his window rolled down. I stood still, but my heart was hammering in my chest. His eyes were concealed behind a pair of sunglasses which I found odd because it was night.

  “Get in,” he ordered. His voice was raspier than normal and his tone indecipherable.

  No. The thought was instant, but I didn’t say it out loud. There were several reasons I should refuse. Namely, being so close to him, knowing I was saying goodbye as soon as we got home, was only going to make it more difficult. And also, I didn’t know what he was thinking about what he’d overheard. It couldn’t be anything good or he would have stuck around after the party to talk like he said he would. Was he doing this because he felt responsible? Oh God, was this a pity ride? Hell, maybe he was going to give me a ride back just to tell me to pack my shit. Well, if that was the case, then we were on the same page. Anger and regret swirled inside me as my feet carried me to the passenger door. Once I’d climbed up and shut the door, he pulled away from the curb.

  Not a word had left my mouth since he’d pulled up, and he didn’t try to drag anything from me. He hadn’t said anything else either. We rode in silence, and not the comfortable kind. Asher didn’t even turn on the radio to make it bearable. Asher’s scent, the one that drove me crazy, surrounded me, making me wish I’d declined the ride. Maybe I was into torture or something. My gaze stayed on the passing buildings until he turned onto the familiar street that the apartment building was on. My nose stung and my eyes grew wet. Fuck, no. He wouldn’t ever see me cry.

  Could I even blame him for anything? He’d been upfront with his situation, but he could have at least talked to me and not ditched me.

  Asher pulled the car up to the valet and we climbed out. When we entered the building, Asher muttered a “hello” to Frank, and then we were on the elevator, heading up to the apartment. The trip was short, and his stare burned into the side of my face while I looked anywhere but directly at him. And once we were in the apartment and the door shut behind us, I immediately went to my room to start packing. I had my bag out and unzipped on my bed when Asher cleared his throat behind me.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, the rasp in his voice was more pronounced, and I wondered what all of this was doing to him or if it was just me and my imagination wanting him to care as much as I did.

  “Making this easier for both of us,” I said without looking at him. He cursed under his breath.

  “This is so fucked up.” The tortured way he sounded almost made me halt my progress, but the reminder of why I was doing this kept me going.

  “I’m sorry for messing things up,” I snarled. “It’s not like I meant for this to happen.”

  “Fuck!” he exploded. “What the hell do you want from me? Huh, Drew? It’s not like I could give you a life with me. You want a boyfriend? One who has to keep you a secret because his management team thinks it would
be career suicide? You want Pete to find out what we’ve been up to? Think about what you’re asking me to do.”

  “I’m not asking anything, and it doesn’t matter what I want, does it?” I still wouldn’t look at him. If I did, I might break and ask why I wasn’t enough. But I’d only be kidding myself. He was a king in his world, and I was a nobody in everyone’s. Well, that wasn’t fair to Pete, Mags, and Claire, but someone like Asher would never give up everything for someone like me. Why would they?

  I shook my head, frustrated. I didn’t know what I expected and that was what made it worse. Maybe I thought eventually we had a real shot at something. Stupid. “And what do you mean your manager thinks it would be career suicide?”

  His manager didn’t want Asher to out himself, but had he talked to him about me. I shook my head. Not likely.

  “You’ve got me so twisted over this shit. I went to see him last night.”

  I froze. That was where he’d been. My relief left as quickly as it had arrived. He’d asked, been told it wasn’t good for his career, and he’d agreed.

  “And?” I prompted. He needed to hear himself say it as much as I did. This was his decision. I didn’t care who knew. It wasn’t anyone’s business anyway, and if they mattered, then they wouldn’t care.

  He didn’t answer though. His stare seared the side of my face, but I couldn’t look at him right then. I gave him a minute to respond. To say anything to get me to stay. His silence spoke volumes, so I resumed packing. His footsteps retreating from my room caused my chest to tighten and a painful lump to form in my throat. The silence was the most devastating part. The finality it represented sucked.

  When I was done, I decided to get out of there as fast as I could. In the living room, I found Asher sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. He lifted his head and eyed my bag.

  “You’re really going to leave?” His eyes that always reminded me of that stormy night were shiny, but there were no tears, not that I expected there to be.

  “I think I have to. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.” I’d never given myself much credit, but I deserved better than to be second best or someone’s dirty little secret, and I couldn’t take back what I’d said or hide my shattered heart. He lowered his head back to his hands. I grabbed my sketch pad from the coffee table, and I was the one who walked away this time.