Until Tomorrow

by Rosanne Bittner

  Cole watched her walk inside. You’re some woman, Addy Kane, he thought. He would not soon forget the sight of her holding out her pistol and shooting a wild Indian dead. I guess you’re more suited to this land than you realize.

  Orum finally arrived, leading a fresh team of horses. Everyone cheered his arrival, and no one wanted to wait until morning to leave. They wanted to go as far as they could tonight, not wanting to spend one more minute at the partially destroyed stage depot that held so much terror and so many bad memories. They would camp out on the trail if they couldn’t reach the next station in time.

  Cole helped Orum hitch the team, and everyone boarded the stage. Cole climbed onto the seat beside Orum to ride shotgun. Addy took a last look at the place where she had learned even more about herself, her strengths and weaknesses … the place where they all might have died a horrible death if not for Cole holding the Indians off until the army arrived.

  Again she had been through something that made her feel removed from the Addy Kane she used to know. Orum snapped a small whip and whistled, and the four horses lurched into a gentle run, followed by the soldiers.

  The next station was just across the Colorado border, a much finer stop than the sod dugout they had left behind. The log building was large enough to accommodate several cots and a large table, where lunch was offered to everyone. They had traveled into the night, made camp and reached the station the next day just as a storm began moving in from the west.

  Besides the main building there was a storage shed, a horse barn and a blacksmith. It was decided to set up the storage shed as a place of privacy where each passenger could wash and change. Never had the well outside been so busy, everyone eager for fresh buckets of water to take to the shed, and all in a hurry to get cleaned up before the rain would begin to pour.

  By the time it was Addy’s turn at the well, it began to sprinkle. The windmill that pumped the water creaked and groaned as it whirled in a wind that was getting stronger. She hurriedly dipped the bucket into the water and turned to see Cole standing behind her. “Need help?” he asked.

  Why was he so handsome even when he was dirty and needed a shave? It was those eyes that disturbed a woman. “I’m fine. I thought you were going on alone from here.” They practically had to shout because of the rising wind.

  “I am. It’s just a little late to start now, especially in a storm, and I need to clean up and eat. I just hope we can find a decent meal at this place.”

  “Anything would be better than bread and beans.” She ducked against harder rain. “You’re staying tonight, then?”

  Cole took the bucket from her. “Come on! You’d better get yourself cleaned up so you can get inside the main station.” He ran with her to the shed, and they both pushed through the door. Addy had already set her carpetbag inside so that she would have clean clothes to change into.

  “I guess the men will have to find places to sleep tonight,” Cole said, setting down the bucket, “maybe in the coach or in the shed. There are only five cots inside, and we have three women plus the driver and the station master. That leaves me and George and the blacksmith. The soldiers have already pitched tents, but I’m not about to sleep with someone in a blue uniform.”

  He grinned and turned to go, but when he opened the door a loud clap of thunder made Addy jump, and Cole ducked back inside because of rain that had almost instantly begun pouring down in sheets. “Damn!” he muttered. “I’ll get soaked just getting to the main cabin.”

  Addy began taking combs out of her hair. “Stay here, then. Maybe it will stop in a few minutes. I can wait.” She shook her hair out and looked at him, realizing then how ironic it was that she thought she couldn’t wash and change in front of him. After all, he had seen all there was to see.

  It grew very dark inside the shed because of the black clouds overhead, and thunder and lightening crashed around them. Addy had never liked storms, and she felt a great urge to run to Cole and let him hold her, but she warned herself that would be a bad idea … wouldn’t it? What was this ache that suddenly crushed at her insides? After tonight he would be gone again, and surely this time would truly be the end of it, as it should be. He said he would come to Central, but he probably wouldn’t, and even if he did, she planned to have a new life there. She needed to live alone for a while, to acclimate herself to her new home, to gather her thoughts and her emotions … maybe someday find the right man, if she even really wanted another man in her life. Cole Parker was not the right man.

  “I wish you luck, Cole.” She turned away, nervous about the look in his blue eyes, the memories … the hunger. She poured some of the bucket water into a washpan, wishing there were some way to heat the water. Before she could wet a rag, a strong arm came around her from behind, pressing her back against a solid chest. Another arm came across her breasts, and she felt a warm breath against her cheek.

  “You know we have to do this once more, Addy.”

  “Cole, please don’t. We can’t do this again.”

  “You want to as much as I do and you know it.” He kissed her neck. “I hate good-byes. In our case, after knowing each other the way we have—”

  “Please let go of me, Cole.” The rain came down even harder, and thunder exploded overhead, making her jump again. Cole moved his lips around to meet her mouth, turning her almost forcefully, yet part of her wanted to turn. As soon as his warm lips parted her own, she was lost in his embrace, eagerly returning the kiss. Her hands balled into fists, pushed against his shoulders, but to no avail. He was strong, overpowering, deliberate … and she wanted him again. They kissed eagerly, hungrily, acting on repressed needs. Ever since he rode up to the last station she had wanted him again.

  He finally left her mouth but kept a strong arm around her waist and kept her pressed close as he searched the small room, spotting a blanket. He never once let go of her as he grabbed it and tossed it onto the floor with his other hand.

  “Cole, we can’t. Someone might come.”

  “Not in this rain, but we can’t take too long or it would look bad for you.” He pushed her to the floor, his big frame hovering over her as he met her mouth again, groaning with the want of her. A strong hand moved over her breasts, pulled at the front of her dress, popping open buttons. He reached inside her camisole, grasping a full breast and freeing it. His lips trailed down her neck then, her chest, until he came to a firm nipple. He kissed it, trailed his tongue in a circle around it.

  “Dear God, Cole,” she whispered. “We just can’t do this.”

  He quieted her with another kiss. “Yes, we can,” he answered softly between more kisses. “We have to.”

  He pushed her dress to her waist. Why was she letting him do this? He pulled her bloomers down to her ankles, over her high-button shoes. He tossed them aside. He unbuttoned his own pants, his gun still laced to his thigh. He leaned down again. “Just once more, Addy.”

  She felt his gun pressing against the inside of her left thigh, and something else that was hard pressed against private places, except that it was soft as velvet, and it was hot. In the next second it was inside of her, thrusting deep, in rhythmic movements that removed her from all reality. She found herself arching up to meet the thrusts, wanting all of him. He worked in circular motions that sent her into a realm of ecstasy where all she had known meant nothing. She felt a wonderful need rising inside of her until a rippling climax ravished her insides, making her cry out with the want of him.

  They continued that way for several more minutes, heated, rhythmic, eager thrusts, her head coming up off the floor, flung back, her free breast aching to be tasted again. She felt his seed spill into her, but he did not let up. He kept up the movement until his shaft grew large again. He pulled her dress and camisole away from her other breast and leaned down to kiss and pull at it, and again he rammed into her over and over, filling her almost painfully, until his life surged inside of her again.

  They both lay there spent, a
nd finally Cole raised up with a deep sigh and turned away. He picked up a wash rag and dampened it, washing himself and quickly buttoning his pants. “I’ll wash better when it’s my turn in here. I’d better get over to the cabin. I’ll tell them I had stayed here because I’d carried in your water and it was raining too hard to leave.” He re-tucked his shirt while Addy pulled her dress down over her legs and closed it in the front. “No one will suspect anything. Sounds like the rain has let up a little. I should be able to run over there now.”

  Addy looked up at him. “What have we done? I don’t understand this.”

  He studied her green eyes. “We’ve done what two adults need to do. Maybe it’s love, maybe it isn’t. It will take time for us to know. There is something special between us, Addy, but neither one of us is ready to face it. I still think you’re the damnedest woman I ever met … and the prettiest.” He turned and opened the door, ducking out into the rain, which was not so heavy now.

  Addy, still on fire, but also ashamed, sat staring at the door. Her emotions whirled inside almost painfully. She could hardly believe what she had just done, yet she had not been able to stop it. She could only pray his seed would not take hold in her belly. She put a shaky hand to her hair, and then the tears came, tears of guilt, tears of confusion, tears of loneliness. She angrily wiped them away and got up to wash and change. She folded the blanket and put it back in place, looking around to be sure there would be no evidence of what happened left for anyone else to find. She brushed her hair and rolled it into combs to give her the look of the prim widow. What a lie that was, yet she would not have done such things with any other man. Why Cole then? Why an outlaw? A man who liked to drink, with no job and no plans for his own future?

  She rolled her dirty clothes into a ball and stuffed them angrily into her carpetbag, then opened the door to see that the rain had stopped completely. She stormed to the main cabin, stopping to breathe deeply and compose herself before going inside. She wished she had just one person she could turn to for advice, but there was no one. She had to wrestle with the right and wrong of her feelings for Cole Parker all by herself; and how could she not wonder if he had just used her again? He seemed so sincere about his respect for her, but still there had been no words of love.

  She stepped inside and was welcomed by everyone. No one seemed to think anything of Cole Parker having been caught in the shed with her, or at least no comments were made. All were seated at a long table set with biscuits and gravy, a plate of meat and one of potatoes. Addy took her place, keeping her eyes averted from Cole, who then rose.

  “I’m finished,” he announced, “and anxious for my turn at cleaning up.” He left, and Addy breathed a little easier. The food was surprisingly good, and she joined the others in the best feast they had had in days. The women helped the station master, Billy Ward, clean up the table, and Addy was glad for something to keep her busy so she would not have to think about Cole and their second liaison.

  When things were finished she went to the door, stepping out into a late-afternoon sun. The air smelled of wet earth, and it was cooler since the rain. She noticed the shed door was open now, and she wondered what had happened to Cole. She and the others had taken nearly an hour to eat and talk and clean up. He should have come back by now.

  She walked off the porch, realizing she really should talk to Cole again. They couldn’t leave things as they were. Perhaps it was time to admit to the truth, that they must be in love. Somehow they had to sort out their feelings. She walked to the shed and peeked inside, but no one was there. She looked around, saw him nowhere. She glanced over at the corral where his horse had been when they first arrived. It was gone.

  Her heart pounded harder, and she walked over to a man called Skeeter, who tended the teams of horses kept ready for the stagecoaches. “Hello,” she called out. “You’re the one called Skeeter, aren’t you? I believe Orum Brown told us that when we first arrived.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Skeeter was short and stout, looked part Mexican. “What can I do for you?”

  “I’m looking for Cole Parker. He’s the tall, dark man who rode shotgun for us—”

  “Oh, sure, I know all about Mr. Parker. I was standing there, you know, when all of you first came in with the soldiers. And Orum, he had told me all about what Mr. Parker did when he first came across you folks, killing all those Indians and all. It’s Mr. Parker’s horse Orum rode in on. I guess Mr. Parker figured the horse was rested enough to go on his way after all.”

  Addy put a hand to her stomach. “What? He’s … he’s gone?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Skeeter pushed his hat back a little. “Lit out of here just a few minutes ago. Said he could gain some miles yet before dark and he was anxious to be on his way.”

  Addy fought a sudden urge to cry. Cole! Surely this time she truly would never see him again. So much left unsaid! How could he be so cruel? But then in ways she had been cruel to him, too. “Thank you,” she said quietly, turning away. She walked back to the shed, went inside and closed the door. Had she only dreamed what had happened there no more than two hours ago? She looked around, touched a washpan that was still wet, spotted a straight razor lying beside it. He had forgotten it.

  She picked up the razor and folded the blade into the handle, and clinging to it tightly sat down on a crate and wept.

  Twelve

  Addy relished the feel of hot water in a real tub. The hotel she had chosen in Denver was the closest thing to luxury she had known since leaving St. Louis, and she wondered if perhaps she should stay right here and not go on into the mountains. Denver was a fast-growing city built on gold discoveries in places like Central, but people had told her that Central also was growing fast, and that it was in competition with Denver. People in Central had already hired her, paid her way west. She couldn’t let them down now. Besides, she was curious. The mountains were breathtaking to see, even from this distance, although the desk clerk and some of the maids had verified that the road to Central was very dangerous.

  She wondered with some trepidation if she would end up virtually trapped away from the rest of the world up in those mountains. She had never seen anything like the rocky peaks west of Denver, so high that even in August some of them still had snow on them. This was truly wild and beautiful country, and it left her feeling still more lost. Could this land really be part of the United States? It seemed like some foreign country, the terrain nothing like the land back East, wide-open plains and prairie land that stretched far beyond what the eye could see, lonely land where the wind blew almost constantly, flat land that led to swelling hills … hills that led to magnificent purple mountains that held precious metals in their bowels, luring men who dared to try extracting that metal … men who lived a lawless life in a lawless land.

  She put her head back and closed her eyes. She had splurged and paid a maid to fill the copper tub in her room with hot water. This was so much nicer than a public bath, private, quiet. Here she could think about those lawless men, about Cole Parker. Her chest hurt every time she thought about him riding off without a word, after making love to her. How would she ever know how he really felt, if he had just used her after all? He was a man of mystery. Just when she thought she understood him, wondered if perhaps she loved him and he might change his life for her, off he would go again, leaving her wondering if she would ever see him again.

  How could she understand what she had done if he wasn’t there to talk to? She put a hand to her belly, feeling another cramp, thanking God she was having her time of month. Cole’s seed had not taken hold in her, and she felt very lucky that it hadn’t. She blamed Cole for the worry she’d suffered these last few days on the way to Denver. How could he just leave like that? What if she had gotten pregnant? What would she have done? It would have been Cole’s fault she was left with no one to turn to. She might not have minded giving the man a new family, if that was what he wanted. But she almost hated him for riding off like that, giving
no thought to the possibility he could have left her in a humiliating, embarrassing situation.

  “No, Cole Parker, you don’t want a family,” she said softly, her eyes still closed. “You want a woman, someone warm beside you, but you don’t want to commit your heart to loving her. You want to recapture the past through me. But you don’t want the present. You don’t want Addy Kane. You want Bethanne Coleman.” The trouble was, Addy herself was not looking for another Tom Kane. She had lain with Cole Parker because she needed a man to hold her again, to make her feel like a woman again … and it was Cole she had wanted, not some ghost.

  She sat up and began vigorously washing, glad to be able to finally get rid of all the dirt and grime of the journey here. She told herself it was useless wondering where Cole was now, if he would go on up to Central City after all, or stay here in Denver, or maybe head south into Texas or New Mexico. How could anyone tell what a man like that would do? He was a man who could not make up his mind as to what he wanted, a man torn by the past, confused about the future, probably sorry for his outlaw ways, yet could probably return to that life without much prompting. He drank too much, and …

  “Stop it, Addy!” she grumbled. “You have to forget him!” Yes, she could do that, since she no longer had to worry he’d made her pregnant. She had been a fool—a stupid, lonely woman who’d gone too long without a man. She had let that virile build and those blue eyes get to her. She had allowed herself to feel sorry for the man, to sympathize with his loneliness. She had actually used her body to help comfort him, and she felt like an idiot, wondering how a Christian woman with a college education, a woman who had always lived by high standards and strict morals, could have done such a thing. It was obvious to her now that Cole had wanted only her body and now he was done with her. If she could see him again, she would slap him in the face and tell him what a bastard he was!