by L A Cotton
My smugness didn’t last long.
Marissa was busy showing off to the girls up ahead of us by creating ripples with her paddles to make their kayaks rock. Laughter echoed around the lake each time she did it, as they rocked from side to side. But by the time the ripples reached us, they had merged into waves rolling toward shore.
“We need to paddle into them, I think,” I called back at Erica, trying to remember what Marissa had taught me during our staff lesson out on the lake.
Erica muttered something I couldn’t make out, and we both started to rotate the paddles in the water to force the vessel forward into the gentle waves. Marissa spotted us and said something that caused the rest of the girls to look in our direction. The next thing I knew, six girls started copying Marissa’s action with their paddles, sending ripples rushing out toward us.
“Marissa, seriously?” I yelled, still paddling forward, my pulse quickening.
The canoe seemed to ride the waves with ease, even if the slight rocking churned my stomach.
“How long is this going to take? I hate it out here,” Erica muttered sounding almost bored.
“Keep at it. I can’t do it alone.”
Concentrating on the movement of the paddles, I didn’t notice Marissa instruct the girls to turn their kayaks in full circles. The force of their vessels cutting through the water created stronger waves that started lapping at the front of the canoe. “She’s crazy,” I murmured under my breath. My panic was rising; I was beginning to feel as if capsizing might be a valid concern now.
We continued forward, despite having to grip onto the sides a couple of times, and by the time we reached Marissa and the girls, they were all in fits of hysterics.
“That was not funny, Marissa. I thought we were going to capsize,” I said breathlessly. Really, I wanted to shout a string of expletives at her, but that would have to wait for later.
“You were fine. We didn’t make big enough waves to flip you.”
Sensing Erica watching me from the back of the canoe, I glanced behind me and smiled. “You good?”
She nodded. It was the most positive thing I had managed to drag out of her all week. I returned her nod and turned back to Marissa, but not before I caught a slight smile on Erica’s face. It was barely there, but I saw it. Relief flooded me. Finally, I was getting through to her, and my mind immediately went to the one person who would understand the hugeness of my small win—the only person who would really understand how important this was for me.
Blake.
The sound of Troy’s guitar floated on the summer’s breeze. Tonight was group camp, the last one before the final goodbye camp in three days’ time.
“I can’t believe it’s almost time to leave,” Lucy sighed dramatically, and Crystal pushed her from behind with a snicker. “What? I don’t mind it with the Peterson’s, but Camp Chance is so freakin’ cool. I don’t ever want to leave.”
I chuckled amazed by how far the small girl next to me had come in just ten days. Troy had been right; Camp Chance really did change lives.
“We all have to leave eventually, Lucy.” I ruffled her hair, and she ducked away from my hand smoothing it back down.
Some of the girls took group camp very seriously. It was one of the few times they had to interact with the boys. Gone were their daytime scruffs, replaced with cut-off shorts and pretty tank tops and tees. Even Erica had made an effort tonight, and although she hadn’t spoken to me again since her slip earlier, something about her felt less detached.
We entered the clearing, and my eyes did a quick count. We were the last cabin to arrive, it seemed, and everyone else sat quietly around the fire.
“You made it.” Marissa came to the edge of the circle to greet us. “Hi, girls. Come on, Troy’s about to start.”
We hurried behind Marissa to our section of the circle and the girls squashed in beside Sheridan’s group. When the girls finally settled, I looked up and my eyes found Blake.
“Okay, now that everyone’s present and accounted for, how about a song? Everyone remember flea fly?” Troy strummed a note on the strings and a sea of heads nodded.
“Flea,” he said.
“Flea,” the circle responded.
I tried to turn my head to Troy, but Blake’s intense gaze refused to let me.
“Flea fly.”
Flea fly. My lips moved but nothing came out, and a slow grin spread over Blake’s face. He knew exactly what he was doing, and yet, I still couldn’t drag my eyes away from him.
What in the hell was happening?
“Flea fly flow.”
I heard the words, heard the circle repeat them, but they sounded distant as if someone was turning down the volume button.
“Feasta…”
Hi. Blake mouthed at me, his mouth hooking up in a smile.
Just look away. This is dangerous territory. What are you doing?
Hi. I mouthed back with a coy smile ignoring the little voice in my head. The familiar flutter of butterflies started in my stomach. It was a feeling I was becoming used to whenever Blake was near.
“Cooma lotta, cooma lotta, cooma lotta feasta.”
Hi. He mouthed again, and I dropped my eyes. It was too much all at once, and I needed to break our connection. I had felt things change between us the other day, but I hadn’t expected to feel so exposed around him. Just as I did when we were kids, Blake always saw me. Not the front I tried to put on or the brave mask I wore so often, he saw me. The real me. Broken, tired, alone. The girl holding on by a thread. I wasn’t exactly that girl anymore. I was stronger. Hardened.
I was a survivor.
But it didn’t matter because, looking at me across the fire, it had felt as if Blake could see straight into my soul.
“Oh, no, no, no, na feasta,” Troy’s voice rang out loud startling me.
I didn’t risk glancing back up at Blake. Instead, I joined in with the rest of the song. I tried to think about anything but the boy who once saved me and how it might have been more than just coincidence that we found our way back to each other seven years later at a camp for kids living what we had lived.
“There she is.” Troy approached me as everyone around us mingled. “How are you enjoying camp so far? I’ve been hearing good things about you.” He smiled, and I felt myself shrinking into my hoodie not used to such compliments.
“Of course, you have. She’s a natural.” Blake slung an arm around Troy’s neck and smiled directly at me. “Right, Penny?”
I nodded, unsure if there was a hidden meaning in his words.
“We change lives, but I never thought we would bring together two lost souls either. It’s a beautiful day, people. Live. Love. And be happy.” Troy clapped Blake on the back and lifted his head at me before leaving us.
The girls had long abandoned me to sit with their friends—new and old—and Marissa was busy talking to Liam. She denied there was anything between them, but I’d caught her checking him out on more than one occasion.
“Come on.” Blake motioned to the lake in the distance. Without thinking, I rose and followed him.
“Won’t anyone notice we’re gone?” I asked remembering Tina’s warning about counselors taking their relationships too far.
“We’re just talking. It’s fine. You can trust me, Penny.”
I was transported back eleven years to a time when a broken girl had given her trust to a boy with grass-stained jeans and unlaced chucks.
So much had happened since then.
“So Troy is an interesting guy,” I said trying to evade the memories flooding my mind.
“He’s great. He really gets the kids and the work. He’s just a little free spirited. I think he and Tina were hippies back in the day.”
“He called us lost souls? What did he mean?”
Blake swept a hand through his tousled hair and blew out a long breath. “I’ve known Tina and Troy for a long time, and they know some of our story.”
Something flashed in Blake’s
eyes, causing me to tense, and my mind immediately went to a place I didn’t want to remember.
Ever.
“Hey, nothing like that,” Blake said reassuring me. “They just know we were in a group home together and haven’t seen each other in a real long time. Too long. I have a confession to make…” I tugged the zipper of my hoodie, suddenly feeling a chill despite the adrenaline coursing through me. “I knew you were coming.”
My feet stopped dead. “What?” I asked sure I must have heard him wrong. “What do you mean you knew I was coming?”
“I stay in touch with Tina and Troy throughout the year. When Troy had his operation back in the spring, Tina asked me to step in and help her vet the applications. I saw your name and read your application. I instantly knew it was you.”
He knew. He had acted as surprised to see me that first night as I was to see him.
As if he could hear my thoughts, Blake went on. “I saw you across the fire, and it was like I’d been sucker-punched. I guess I wasn’t as prepared to see you as I thought.”
Well, that explained some of his shock, but it still didn’t make me feel great that he knew all this time. Blake started to walk again, but when I didn’t follow, he doubled back.
“Shit, Penny, I know there’s a lot we still haven’t talked about but just give me a chance. Please.”
We hadn’t talked at all. We had been polite and skirted around one another, and then tonight, there had been the moment across the fire, but we had yet to say any of the things we needed to say.
For a long time after Blake left the Freemans, I imagined what I would say if I ever saw him again. I wanted answers. Where did he go? How could he leave me behind? Derek and Marie refused to tell me anything; they said it was confidential. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Amy took great pleasure in taunting me. She said I was too clingy and Blake had requested the move to get away from me. I knew that wasn’t true; Blake loved me, he’d told me only the night before I came home from my summer job at the local store to find him gone. But Amy did have a point because he was gone, and I was still there wondering what in the hell had happened.
That question haunted me for a very long time. But now he was here, standing next to me, asking—no, pleading—for a chance to explain.
“Penny…” His voice cracked, and he swallowed hard. Although it sparked off something in me, all I could do was nod. There was never a choice to make, not where Blake Weston was concerned. My head might have learned to hate him. To blame him. But my heart never forgot him. Never forgot the love it once felt for him.
Still felt for him.
The moon’s reflection illuminated Blake’s face as I stared at him with my jaw hanging open. “I still can’t believe they found you. After all that time.”
“Yeah. Apparently, I was one of the lucky ones. Uncle Anthony hadn’t spoken to my mom for years, so he didn’t even know I existed until he moved back to Columbus and hired a PI to search for her. His search led him to Lancaster which led him to me.”
I closed my mouth trying to make sense of everything, but one thing still didn’t add up. “So he found you and petitioned the courts?”
Blake nodded.
“Okay, but why the sudden disappearance? And why didn’t you know about any of this beforehand? Surely, someone should have told you that you had family who wanted you?”
“Uncle Ant knows a lot of the right people, and he pulled some strings to make it happen quickly. I wanted to say goodbye. I fought with them so hard, Penny, but they said it was for the best. I was confused and angry, and my head felt like it was going to explode…” Blake dropped his head. “And as selfish as it was, a little part of me was relieved I was finally getting free from them. From that hell. I thought I’d get out, get my shit together, and come back for you.”
I understood that part. I did. But Blake’s honesty stirred something in me. For as much as I wanted to get the hell away from Derek and Marie, I couldn’t imagine ever leaving without him.
Ever.
“You left me all alone in there.” Tears streamed down my face. “Do you know what it was like to come home that day and find you gone? To have Derek and Marie revel in the opportunity to hurt me even more than they already had? They wouldn’t tell me a word. No one would. Nothing. You just disappeared into thin air.”
The force of my sobs wracked my body, and I had to grip the rickety bench to keep myself upright. I was foolish to let Blake’s earlier playfulness distract me. Our past had been staring me in the face ever since I laid eyes on him because he was my past. A reminder of everything I’d gone through. Everything I’d survived.
“Wait, what?” Blake’s head whipped up, and now, he was the one looking at me with utter shock.
I stared at him in disbelief. Surely, he didn’t expect me to bare myself like that again?
“They didn’t tell you?”
“Who?” I asked confused.
“Derek and Marie? They didn’t give you my letter?”
Letter?
Realization dawned on Blake’s face, and he cursed something under his breath. “Of course, they didn’t. Fuck.”
Wiping the tears away from my eyes, I said, “Can you please tell me what is going on?”
He looked at me with such sadness that, even though I had thought it impossible, another piece of my heart broke. They say the eyes are a window to the soul, and sitting there in front of a lake just as we did in another time, Blake was baring his to me.
So entranced in the pained looked on his face, I missed his fingers inching closer to mine until they were brushing. My eyes darted to where our hands rested between us. Slowly and carefully, Blake entwined his fingers in mine as if he thought I might shatter under his touch.
My heart began to pound in my chest. Blake was touching me, and I was freaking out. But not because his touch repulsed me… or scared me… or hurt me.
I was terrified because it didn’t.
Age 13
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” I kicked my feet into the dirt and dropped my head.
“You knew it was going to happen, Blake. Bennett finally turned eighteen.”
I sighed. “I know, I know. It’s just he was the best.”
Penny nudged me with her shoulder and curled one of her small hands around mine. “I know. He looked out for all of us. But you’re right. It won’t be the same without him.”
I looked down at our joined hands. She was always grabbing my hand and linking our fingers. I wondered if it made her feel all funny inside the way it did me. If it did, her face didn’t give her away, and I was too chicken shit to ask her why she was always doing it.
One day, not long after she moved into the Freeman group home, it had just happened. We had risked sneaking out to No Man’s Land one night, just the two of us, and we almost were caught. Penny was so scared that she grabbed a hold of my hand and held on for dear life.
It kind of became Penny's thing after that. Now, it was more like our thing.
Amy had to take a cheap shot whenever she spotted Penny’s hand in mine, but Penny just shrugged it off. According to her, there was nothing wrong with holding hands with your best friend.
Best friend.
When Penny first called me that last year, I had just stared at her blankly. She thought of me as her best friend? The messy-haired kid with the quick temper and hand-me-down chucks. My last best friend had been a one-eyed stuffed bear called Frederick when I was seven. Sure, I had Bennett and one or two other friends during my time in foster care, but no one had ever called me their best friend.
No one.
But Penny was a girl, and boys and girls weren’t usually best friends, were they?
“Hey, where’d you go on me?” Penny stared at me wide-eyed, her long hair spilling in front of her face. When I blinked out of my trance, she grinned at me.
“Just zoned out. Come on, let’s head inside.”
“Already? Can’t we stay out here a little longer?”
“Fine, fine, lead the way.”
“Blake, Penny, where have you been?”
Marie was waiting for us as we entered the house. Arms folded over her chest, her face was beet red and her eyes were narrowed. When neither of us replied, it turned another shade darker, like the blood vessels might burst at any second. “Well?”
“Sorry, Marie. It was my fault. I wanted to stay in the yard. It’s such a nice day, and well, I wasn’t ready to come inside.”
Shit, Penny, I silently cursed. Penny knew better than to take the blame, especially with Marie. She was meaner than a witch on a good day. When she got mad, it was better to stay in your room than risk crossing her path.
“Penny, do you not remember the rules of this house? My house?”
Penny tensed beside me. “I remember. It won’t happen again.”
The throbbing vein in Marie’s thick neck pulsated. The thing looked like it needed its own food supply.
“Blake, go and help the others clean the kitchen, please.”
I risked a sideways glance at Penny. If she was scared, she wasn’t showing it, but I still didn’t want to leave her.
“I can stay. I was late, too.”
“Blake,” Marie’s voice said in that way grown-ups did was something was final.
When I had first arrived at the house, Marie terrified me. She was short and stocky with eyes that burned right through you. Over the last two years, my fear had lessened, but it didn’t mean I just went around breaking the rules. If you did, Marie liked to dish out punishment to everyone. It was her way of exercising her power because she had it all… and we had none.
“What’s going on back here, Marie?” Derek stomped into the kitchen.