by L A Cotton
Unlike his wife who was short and round, Derek Freeman was as tall as he was wide. His stomach hung over his baggy dress pants and his thick arms stuck out of his creased white shirt. Bennett thought he must only own two shirts. One for Sundays and one for the rest of the week because, by Friday, it was usually a dirty shade of gray and covered in stains. The smell was enough to make you puke whenever he was near.
“Penny here was just telling me how she wanted to stay outside instead of coming inside to do her chores.”
Derek pushed Marie aside and stood right in front of Penny, bending down slightly to come level with her face. “That right, Penny?”
“Yes,” she said her whole body rigid.
“Yes, what?”
My fists started to clench. I hated the way he thought he could speak to the girls. Talking to us—the boys—like that was one thing, but intimidating the girls was just plain wrong. My daddy might have been a bad seed, but he always taught me that a man should never make a woman feel scared.
Derek was nothing like my daddy; he got off on making the girls scared.
Penny breathed in harshly and then said, “Yes, sir.”
“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Derek stepped closer to Penny, only a sliver of space between them. His smell wafted to me, and I gagged trying not to make a sound. I could only imagine how bad it was for Penny who was literally breathing him in.
“Now, what are we going to do with a pretty little thing like you?”
His words punched me in the gut. I’d seen the way he acted around Jessica, but she was older. She looked more like a woman. Penny was just a girl. A kid—like me. It wasn’t right for him to be talking to her in that slimy tone of his and leering at her.
“There’s a toilet in our room that needs cleaning up real nice.” Marie laughed. The sound was like nails grating on a blackboard. It went right through me causing my hairs to bristle.
Derek didn’t reply. He just stood there staring at Penny, beads of sweat forming on his almost bald head while his chest moved up and down from his short breaths.
“Well, don’t just stand there, girl. Get in the bathroom and make a start.”
Marie’s orders seemed to snap Derek out of his fixation, and he muttered something under his breath before leaving the room. Marie followed him but not before reminding Penny that she was to clean the whole bathroom, bowl and all.
“That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done in my life. They’re both pigs.”
After Penny had cleaned the Freeman’s bathroom while the rest of us ate dinner and made the most of our free time in the den, I’d slipped her a note as we passed in the hallway asking if she wanted to sneak out. I instructed her to meet me at our usual spot half an hour after lights out.
“Jessica had to do it once. She puked.”
Penny pushed up to her elbows and craned her neck around to look at me. “Really? She never told me that.”
I shrugged. “Is it something you’d want everyone to know? She was grounded for two weeks after that.”
“I hate them.”
We all did, but only a few of us were brave enough to say it out loud. Jessica, Penny, and me. The others agreed but never said the words. Bennett wasn’t afraid to say it, even to their faces. He’d told them as much the day he left. It was awesome; the look on Derek and Marie’s face as Bennett walked out of their house and down the path flipping them the bird and shouting ‘so long, fuckers’ at the top of his lungs. I got caught laughing behind their backs. They grounded me for a week and gave me extra chores.
But it was so worth it.
“So do I.”
“Derek gives me the willies.”
“The willies? It’s two-thousand-and-four, Penny. No one says willies anymore.”
She punched my arm playfully and replied through her laughter, “Okay, Blake, the word master, what do people say these days?”
I shifted up to my butt and gripped my ankles with my hands. “Creeps, heebie-jeebies, shivers. I don’t know, but they don’t say willies, that's for sure.”
“Whatever, Weston. If I want to say willies, then I’ll say willies. Willies, willies, willies,” Penny called out into the darkness, breaking into fits of laughter.
Before I knew it, I was laughing along with her. The events of earlier long forgotten. Once our laughter started to die down, Penny’s face hardened. “I miss them.”
“Your parents?”
Penny didn’t talk about her parents much. I knew there had been some kind of accident that killed them, but that was all.
“Yeah. I miss them so damn much.” Her voice cracked, and a tear slipped down her cheek. I reached out to brush it away, and Penny turned her cheek slightly to rest it in the palm of my hand. She smiled sadly. “How have you survived for so long?”
“What? In foster care?” I snatched my hand back, not feeling comfortable with the way touching her made me feel, and shrugged. "Just have, I guess. My first family wasn't so bad. They had a son my age, Daniel. He was cool. But then Maddie got pregnant again and they decided they couldn’t look after a new baby and me, so I was moved.”
“And what happened then?” Penny looked at me as if I held all the answers.
I picked up a blade of grass and twirled it in my fingers. “The second home wasn’t as nice. The kids were mean, and no one wanted to get to know the new kid on the block. I grew up a lot.”
I had to. I didn’t say the words; I didn’t want to scare Penny.
“I don’t get it. Why do people foster if they don’t like kids? It’s obvious that Marie and Derek hate all of us.”
“The money, I guess. People do strange things for a few bucks.”
Penny flopped back down on the grass and stared up at the stars. “Well, it sucks. This isn’t how I imagined my life turning out.”
I lay back next to her. “Tell me what you imagined.”
“I wanted to travel. To see the Eiffel Tower in Paris and Big Ben in London. And I wanted to go to college to study to be a grade school teacher. At college, I’d meet a guy, someone sweet and really good looking. We would date all through junior and senior year and then get engaged. Move to the suburbs and live happily ever after...” Penny’s voice trailed off, and I looked over to see if she was crying again, but she wasn’t. She’d closed her eyes and slightly scrunched her face, but she seemed peaceful.
My fingers spread out almost grazing hers. Didn’t she realize she could still do all of those things? Foster care wasn’t the end; that was what Bennett always used to tell me.
“You can still do all of those things, Penny.”
Her eyes fluttered open, and she turned her head to face me. “Everything changed when they died, Blake. Everything. I have no one. No family, no friends, I had to move to this hell. How am I supposed to do any of the things I wanted?”
“You fight.” The words came out without even thinking.
“How? Tell me how?” Her glassy eyes pleaded with me.
“One day, we’ll be free of this place. You have to hold onto that.”
Penny was silent for a moment, but I could tell she was thinking about telling me something. It was the way her nose scrunched up.
“You can tell me, Penny. Whatever it is, I’ll listen.”
“Leah and Sophie cornered me again in free period.”
“You promised to tell me if it happened again. What the hell, Penny?” I pushed up off the ground and rose to a standing position, anger pulsating through me.
Penny jumped to her feet and came to face me. “I know, I- I just didn’t want to cause any trouble.”
“I don’t care about getting into trouble, you know that, but I do care about them talking shit to you.”
Leah and Sophie were the high school’s mean girls. They had singled Penny out the second she arrived. It only got worse when Penny had to start wearing the hand-me-downs of the older girls and the clothes from the Goodwill store Marie had us all wear because she’d grown out of her ow
n clothes. Jessica had tried to get them to back off, but they disliked all of us Freeman home kids, so it didn’t do much.
“Blake.” Penny reached out and entwined her hand in mine forcing me to look at her. “I can handle a couple of mean girls. I’ve survived worse.”
Without thinking, I tugged Penny to me and wrapped my arms around her. She buried her face in my chest, slipped her arms around my waist, and hugged me right back.
She was my best friend. I don’t know why I ever doubted it. But as we stood there, in No Man’s Land, holding on to one another, a thought crossed my mind.
What if she was more than just my best friend?
Everything was a mess.
My feelings were all over the place. I was confused and weary, but most of all, I was hurting.
Hurting over things that had happened years ago. Things that were out of my control.
Things that could have been so different.
After revealing the truth to me, Blake went on to explain that he’d lived with Uncle Anthony and his wife, Miranda, until the summer before he was nineteen, at which point he enrolled in Ohio State to study sociology. After leaving me, he had gotten into some trouble. Blake was angry. He lashed out at everyone and anyone he could, and his first summer at Camp Chance was supposed to be his way of giving back to the community. But it ended up being more than just a chance to right his wrongs. Blake fell in love with it and had been coming back year after year.
Ever since our talk two days ago, something had been bugging me, eating away at me like a slow spreading poison. Even though Blake had filled in some of the blanks, I just felt like he hadn’t given me any details, not really, and there was still so much I didn’t know about him. It was my constant reminder about how much time had passed between us. We weren’t the same people anymore.
“Penny, it’s time.”
I pouted at Marissa. Saying goodbye to this group was going to be hard. I had developed a soft spot for many of these girls, especially Lucy, and even Erica, despite her ongoing resistance to the program—and me.
“Come on. The girls want to say goodbye.”
I rose from the bed already choked with emotion. Goodbyes were something I avoided. Just another residual behavior from my past.
Outside, eight sullen faces greeted us. “This sucks.” Lucy stepped forward. Her head hung low, and I heard the emotion in her voice. In an attempt to make her feel better, I ruffled her hair and bent down to her level. “You should be so proud of all you have achieved, Lucy. No one can take these two weeks away from you. They’re stored in here.” I tapped my head. “And here.” I moved my hand to my chest right above where the heart was.
“Now, does everyone have everything?” Marissa cut the mood, and I glanced up at her hoping she would know how to make this easier.
Heads nodded, and we set off toward the parking lot.
The buses were already waiting and bodies filled the lot. Kids hugged their friends and exchanged contact details. It filled my heart with hope knowing that most of the kids passing through the program were leaving with a few more allies in their corner and a whole heap of memories no one could ever take from them.
“Okay, guys, five minutes to say your final goodbyes and then it’s time.” Marissa wrapped her arm around me, and I bristled.
I couldn’t help it.
She knew I didn’t feel comfortable when someone touched me, but she had been pushing my boundaries lately. Although she still hadn’t come right out and asked why I opposed touch, it was as if she was trying to use shock therapy to cure me.
“Hmm, Penny, can I talk to you in, hmm, in private?” Erica stood awkwardly looking down at her feet.
I ducked out of Marissa’s hold, instantly feeling myself relax. “Of course, you can.”
Marissa gave us some space, and I motioned to the bench off to the side. Once seated, I turned to Erica and waited.
“I just wanted to say sorry for giving you a hard time. I know you’ve only been trying to help me, and I’ve been a total bitch, and now, it’s time to go back, and I don’t want to leave.”
Erica’s eyes filled with tears, and I swallowed hard. Anguish etched into her face. Inside of her. This was a teenage girl who was confused and scared and alone, and I related to that more than she would ever know.
Clearing my throat, I said, “It has been my pleasure getting to know you, Erica. You are smart and determined, even if it is determined to do the opposite of everyone else.”
At that, Erica laughed.
"Living in foster care isn’t easy. I know that better than anyone does, but it doesn’t have to define you. Figure out what you want in life and go for it. Remember, a lifetime of possibilities."
Erica nodded, even managing a small smile. “Thank you.” She rose from the bench. But before she walked away, she turned back and said, “My foster family… they’re not bad people. They just don’t get me. I just thought you should know that.”
I swiped the tears from my eyes as I watched her leave. When I looked back over the sea of people, I found Blake watching me with sadness in his eyes.
It was as if he knew. Knew what had just passed between Erica and me.
Somehow, he always knew.
“Two down, three more to go. Good job, guys. Keep up the hard work. Enjoy your downtime.” Troy applauded the circle and left us to go in search of Tina, who hadn’t made it to the debrief this time.
I pulled my hoodie tighter around my body. Although the sun kept the days warm, evenings were starting to cool down already, and I noticed no one seemed as eager to skinny dip in the lake tonight.
“How are you feeling?” Marissa asked me as she edged closer to the fire to toast a marshmallow.
“Okay, I guess. I was sad to see them leave.”
“Yeah, it doesn’t get any easier. Some groups are harder to let go of, but tomorrow is a new day and a new set of teenage attitude.”
Sheridan was sitting next to us, and she muttered something that sounded a lot like an amen to that, but neither Marissa nor I asked her to repeat it.
“Okay, since Troy isn’t here to kick us off with a song, I don’t mind stepping in.” Blake stood up, retrieved Troy’s guitar, and slipped the strap over his neck. His fingers plucked at the strings a couple of times as if he was getting reacquainted with the feel of them, and then he sat back down on the overturned log.
Everyone watched him like it was a completely normal occurrence, even the new counselors. But to me, it was just another thing to add to the growing list of things I didn’t know about Blake Weston.
“I wrote this song a while back.”
Blake could play. His fingers worked the strings with ease, blending together to create a soft melody, but it wasn’t his guitar skills that had me in awe. It was his voice. Deep and gravelly, his sound filled the space around us until I was lost in his words.
I’ve never been one to say how I feel
Talk comes cheap and I wanted it to be real
A touch of our hands as we lay under the sky
With you by my side I felt like I could fly
She’s my lucky penny, my lucky penny
She’s my lucky penny, my lucky penny
Lucky, lucky, lucky, my lucky penny
You walked into my life and turned things around
Showed me how it felt to be found
We had everything and nothing all at the same time
My best friend, my heart, my partner in crime
She’s my lucky penny, my lucky penny
She’s my lucky penny, my lucky penny
Lucky, lucky, lucky, my lucky penny
I didn’t realize I was crying until Marissa pressed a tissue into the palm of my hand. I blinked down at the white paper and sniffled. To my relief, everyone was as entranced by Blake as I had been and no one except Marissa noticed my emotional state.
Excusing myself, I made my way back to our cabin, the ghosts of my past weighing heavy on my shoulders. I felt Blake’s
eyes follow me as I disappeared into the trees, but I didn’t look back.
I couldn’t.
Marissa didn’t follow me. It was most likely she had pieced together our story after Blake’s song. How could she not? It was as if he had weaved our entire relationship into his lyrics. I could feel his sixteen-year-old self singing every line to my sixteen-year-old self. Although, I was pretty certain the sixteen-year-old Blake I’d known then had no clue how to play the guitar.
After washing the tearstains from my face, I brushed my teeth. It was still early, but I couldn’t face going back out there, so I changed into my shorts and tank top and climbed into bed. Sleep would be impossible, but at least here, I was safe.
Most people felt lonely in solitude, but I welcomed the silence. I embraced it even. Something about the quiet, the knowledge no one else was around, comforted me. I knew it made me different. I didn’t need a shrink to tell me that, but it didn’t change the fact that I found sanctuary in being alone.
I lay there not really allowing myself to think. Thinking was dangerous; it led to remembering, and my memories were stained with pain and hurt and the kinds of things that made most people’s nightmares look like a walk in the park. Instead, I tracked the uneven cabin ceiling. My eyes followed the planes of the wood from one end to the other and back again until they grew heavy.
A knock on the door startled me sending my already restless heart into overdrive and I rubbed at my eyes.
“Hello?” I called out hoping to hear Marissa’s voice, but I knew it wasn’t her. She wouldn’t have knocked; she would have barged right in and demanded answers.
“Penny, it’s me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, but my mind betrayed me as an image of Blake’s face filled my head.
Another knock.
“Penny.”
Forcing myself to sit up, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. He wasn’t going away. Blake—our connection—was something I was going to have to deal with sooner or later, and from Blake’s admissions over the last few days, it seemed that he was making the decision for me.