by L A Cotton
Penny opened her mouth to argue. I could tell by the way her nose scrunched up that she wanted to tell me I was being stupid, but something changed her mind because she nodded and went inside. When her door closed in my face, I went to my room, the last room on the right. I shared with Mason. Jessica, Amy, and Mia shared, and Peter shared with the new kid. Penny had the smallest room. It was more like a closet, only just big enough for a single cot and dresser.
Mase was snoring like usual. Once he was asleep, nothing could wake him. He slept through storms, breakfast, and he even slept through the one time Derek caught Bennett sneaking out. I tiptoed around his bed to my own and stripped down to my boxer shorts. Once in bed, I pulled up the comforter and stared at the ceiling thinking of Penny.
I woke startled. A layer of sweat coated my whole body like I had a fever, but I felt fine. I must have been dreaming. But then I heard it. Muffled voices. A whimper.
Throwing back the comforter, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and sat as still as possible to listen for any sounds. Mason was asleep on his back, mouth hanging open, and his chest rising and falling with each throaty breath. Trying to hear anything over his snoring and my pounding heart was almost impossible, so I crept to the door and pressed one ear against the wood.
I heard it again.
Before I knew what I was doing, my hand was wrapped around the door handle and I’d yanked it open. Rushing into the hallway, the cool air hit me slowing me down for a second. What in the hell was I doing? All I knew was that something felt very wrong. The muffled noise was coming from the end of the hallway. It was hard to make out any clear voices or even tell if it was human; it could have quite easily been an injured animal, but my gut knew.
I knew.
Back pressed flat against the wall, I inched my way down the hallway closer to Penny’s door. There was a sliver of moonlight coming in through the window at the opposite end of the hallway. My heart beat frantically in my chest while I tried to come up with some kind of plan.
But it was too late.
Penny’s door opened slowly, and Derek stepped out in the hallway, one hand adjusting his zipper. I almost stopped breathing trying to make myself invisible. Puke rose up in my throat as I watched Derek smooth down his pants, and I had to clamp my mouth shut.
What was I witnessing?
There was a gentle murmuring sound coming from inside Penny’s room. Derek glanced back, pulled the door shut, and headed back downstairs to where his and Marie’s room was situated. Everything closed in around me until it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the hallway.
Penny.
I sprang into action moving as fast as I could without making a sound. I didn’t risk knocking and slipped silently into Penny’s dark room. A figure was curled up on the cot sobbing quietly. The kind of sobs that tell you how much a person is hurting. Dirty, messy, ugly cries. And yet, somehow, my brave, strong friend was managing to contain them.
Penny must have sensed me because she rolled over slightly and looked right at me.
“B- Bl- Blake?” she sniffled, and my chest cracked.
My whole world was crumbling around me, but I managed to ground out, “What the fuck has he done to you?”
“What do you think they’re doing in there?” Blake leaped up on the wooden railing surrounding the cabin’s balcony and smiled down at me.
“Preening themselves, I guess. It’s hard work being a thirteen-year-old girl these days.” I looked back at the cabin from my position on the top step. The girls had been getting ready for almost an hour.
“I can’t ever remember you taking that long to get ready.”
I turned back to Blake and met his eyes with a playful smirk. “That’s because I never had anyone to impress.”
He arched his eyebrow, and a smirk of his own broke over his face causing my stomach to flip. “Oh, is that so? No one to impress, huh?”
Blake held my gaze, and I knew we were lost in our memories. A time when I’d traded my usual jeans and hand-me-down chucks for a summer dress Jessica let me borrow. I’d even curled my hair and swept it to one side with a piece of ribbon I stole from Mrs. Ryson, the home economics teacher at school. Blake had almost tripped over his own feet when he saw me. It was one of the first times I realized he was more to me than just my best friend.
“Oh, hey, girls.” Blake shook his head as if he was shaking out the memories. “All set for the campfire? The boys are itching to see you.”
I swatted my hand through the railing. It collided with Blake’s firm stomach and heat spread through me. Blake must have felt it too because his already taut muscles tensed under my touch.
Breaking our connection, I said, “Don’t tease them. Ignore him, girls.” I rose from my makeshift seat and turned to the girls gathered in the doorway; their eyes firmly set on the exchange between the two of us.
“Right, I guess that’s my cue to go gather my horde. See you soon.” Blake flashed us a grin before hopping off the balcony. We watched him jog back in the direction of his cabin. When he disappeared, Shauna and Mindy, two of the older girls, bustled past me rolling their eyes, making their way down the step.
“He’s so fine,” a voice said from the huddle to my side, and I turned to find Audrina with a doe-eyed dreamy look on her face. “Don’t you think, Penny?” she added earning snickers from the rest of the girls.
“Let’s go,” I said a little too hastily, ducking my head to avoid them seeing my flushed cheeks. “We don’t want to be late.” I ushered them down the steps and did a quick head count before we set off in the direction of the campfire.
I was going to kill Marissa.
When we had arrived at the fire, we somehow ended up seated next to Blake and his boys instead of our usual spot next to Sheridan’s group. My safety blanket had been ripped away from me, and I knew Marissa was somehow responsible. Although, from the smug look on Blake’s face, I didn’t doubt he was also involved.
“Fancy seeing you here,” he whispered. His breath brushed my ear, and my whole body shuddered. I blamed the chill in the air.
“Blake,” I warned, trying to nudge him back into his own space. He was being inappropriate. Not that anyone was interested in what we were doing in the outer row of the circle when Troy commanded everyone’s attention with his over enthusiastic campfire songs.
“Okay, let’s do a round of The More We Get Together. Everyone remember this from the first night?” Troy asked the circle, and everyone nodded. “Well, this time I’m going to add some extra verses. Got it?”
We nodded again. Being my fifth group, I knew the routine by now.
“The more we get together…” Troy started us off, and we all joined in.
Together, together.
The more we get together, the happier we'll be.
‘Cause your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends.
The more we get together, the happier we'll be.
“Great, now it’s Marissa’s in her canoe… and go.”
I sang along with each verse. Troy always picked on two or three counselors to get a reaction from the kids. Unfortunately for me, my verse didn’t highlight my strength. After a run-in with a huge spider during the first week, I got lumbered with ‘Penny’s afraid of spiders.’ The kids loved it—me, not so much.
“Okay, last one,” Troy bellowed his hands making easy work of the acoustic guitar. “Liam’s eating all the s’mores.”
Troy strummed his guitar, and I inhaled, ready to sing. Liam’s name was on the tip of my tongue, but Blake leaned in close to me again and started singing. It was almost a hum, so quiet and low I had to strain to hear him over the noise.
Blake’s not ready to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.
Blake’s not ready to say goodbye, unhappy he’ll be.
‘Cause you’re still his lucky Penny, do you know that, do you know that
Blake’s not ready to say goodbye, unhappy he’ll be.
I didn’t
dare look at him. I wanted to cry, to let the tears building behind my eyes fall. I wanted to smile at him, to share this moment with him. But most of all, I wanted to lean into him and show him that I felt the same. That after all this time, my heart still remembered him.
It never forgot.
Very slowly, I inched my head around. Blake was leaning into me enough that our mouths were close. Close enough I could feel his breath on my face. He pulled away slightly giving me his eyes—eyes that held so many memories—and then they dropped to my mouth.
I swallowed hard.
“Good job, everyone.” Troy’s voice was a like a bucket of cold water, and I used the harsh awakening to shuffle as far away from Blake as possible. It wasn’t far enough; given we were packed like sardines on the benches. I was aware of everything. Of his hand gripping the edge of the bench, his fingers grazing mine. The gentle rise and fall of his chest. The way he kept glancing at me and then looking away if I turned my head in his direction.
It was a game of cat and mouse, and I was most definitely the mouse. Only, I wasn’t sure what would happen when he eventually caught me in his trap.
“Night, guys. Get some rest because you all have a busy day tomorrow. Remember—one summer, a lifetime of possibilities.” Troy and Tina waved us off as we set off back to our cabins.
I was relieved to leave the campfire. The last hour had been excruciating, and although Blake didn’t say another word to me, something was building between us. The pull between us was just too strong, and for as much as I had tried to deny it, I couldn’t any longer.
Marissa had been right all along.
“Come on, girls. We have an early start.” I herded the girls toward the path back to the cabins. “We’ll get our wash bags then go brush our teeth and hit the sack for the night, okay?”
A couple of the girls groaned, but it was only the fourth day, and most of them were still finding their feet. Once they felt a little more at home, I had no doubt I would be dealing with more attitude than a few groans.
“Finn makes me brush my teeth twice before bed. Once for the clean and once for good measure,” a small dark-haired girl called Phoebe said.
“Twice? That’s stupid,” one of the older girls replied. “You should tell him he’s an idiot.”
“Audrina,” I said sternly.
“What? It’s the truth. No one brushes their teeth twice. Isn’t it bad for them or something? Finn sounds like a dick.”
So much for finding their feet. I spun around and stopped, effectively blocking Audrina’s passage. “Audrina, we don’t talk like that here. There are rules.”
She studied me for a second and then narrowed her eyes to almost a scowl. “I thought Camp Chance was supposed to be fun.”
“It is fun, a lot of fun, if you stick to the rules. No cursing and no making anyone feel bad.”
“I wasn’t making her feel bad. I was just saying Finn sounds like a di- I mean, a douche.”
“He’s not,” Phoebe stated confidently. “He’s nice actually. He helps me with my homework and takes me to the library on Saturdays.”
Audrina redirected her attention from me to Phoebe. “The library?” she hissed. “He sounds like a boring douche.”
“Audrina, enough!”
I didn’t raise my voice a lot. In fact, in eight weeks, I could count on one hand how many times I lost my patience, but occasionally, something touched a nerve, and it was almost impossible to ignore. Right now, I didn’t like that Audrina was trying to tarnish Phoebe’s relationship with Finn. One thing these girls didn’t need was someone tearing down the positive relationships they had with their foster parents.
Silenced, Audrina folded her arms over her chest and walked ahead in a huff. I lingered in the back with Phoebe wanting to check that she was okay, but she beat me to it.
“I don’t care what she says. Finn is the greatest. One day, I hope he and Maggie adopt me, and I can live with them forever,” she said her voice filled with hope.
My heart swelled and then slowly withered. I had never had the luxury of hope when I’d entered foster care. I’d lost everything. Had nothing else left to lose. But maybe that was the better place to be. Phoebe still had hope. She could still experience so much pain and hurt all because of her young naïve hope. Part of me still envied her. Envied that blissful state of unaware. Envied how fond she sounded of her foster family.
I didn’t have the heart to be the voice of reason—to tell her not to get her hopes up. Instead, I simply smiled and nodded my head. Enough disappointment and upset filled the lives of so many of these kids. I couldn’t face being just another person to add to that. My response seemed to appease Phoebe, and she skipped back to her friend.
Almost forty minutes later, after being persuaded into cocoa and scary stories, it was time for lights out. I arrived at camp thinking it would be strange to share a room with eight hormonal teenage girls, but I’d soon gotten used to the bedtime gossip and chatter. Hot days spent active around Camp Chance meant that most of the campers were ready to sleep when lights out rolled around.
“Night guys,” I called into the darkness, only a sliver of moonlight reflecting through the glass window at the front of the cabin.
A chorus of good nights echoed off the wooden beams, and I stared at the bunk above me. It was empty. Counselors took the fifth set of bunk beds, positioned slightly away from the rest of the bunk beds next to the front window, giving both our campers and ourselves a little more space. It also meant counselors slept closest to the door to catch any late-night escapees. The first time I caught two girls trying to sneak out, I’d smiled to myself. That was me, ten years ago, sneaking out to meet Blake. Of course, they had been trying to meet up with some boys from one of the other cabins. I’d had to reprimand them, but I’d done it with half a smile. I could relate. More than they knew.
Within minutes, silence descended over the cabin. Nothing but the sound of heavy breathing and the occasional shuffle of sleeping bags. Sleep didn’t come easily to me. It never did. Not here, and not back in my apartment above The Oriental Garden. Sleep brought darkness, and the darkness brought nightmares. Although since being here, they happened less often. I didn’t know if it was the exhaustion or something else entirely.
I had been lying there for at least thirty minutes when a gentle tapping against the cabin startled me. My whole body went rigid listening for the sound again. Tap, tap, tap. I slowly unzipped my bag and swung my legs over the edge of the bed careful not to make a sound. The last thing I needed was eight tired and overexcited girls letting their imaginations run wild with them. Especially if my suspicions were right.
Tiptoeing around the bed, I hooked a finger around the simple curtain and pulled it back. The moon illuminated cabin row; a single lamp hanging from the porch lit up each cabin, but I couldn’t see anything—or anyone. Tap, tap, tap. I jumped back, my heart leaping into my mouth. My hand gripped the handle and turned it carefully. The door clicked open, and I pulled it back enough to slip through and close it behind me.
“Hello,” I called out into the eerie surroundings.
Nothing.
I listened for a few more seconds, convinced I must have been hearing things, until movement caught my eye. Blake was standing in the shadows between my cabin and the next. His hood was pulled up, but I knew it was him.
My heart knew.
Our eyes locked, and I questioned him silently.
Come on, for old time’s sake, he mouthed.
What was he thinking? We could be discovered at any moment. It was totally crazy, not to mention against the rules, and yet, I found myself tiptoeing down the steps.
Hi, he mouthed as I reached him.
Hi, I replied my heart beating so hard I felt a little lightheaded. This was not a good idea.
So why did it feel so right?
Blake’s hand reached out for mine, and he interlaced our fingers. I didn’t stop him; I didn’t even think about yanking my hand away. It felt ri
ght to feel his hand encase mine. It felt familiar and warm and safe. Like my body had avoided touch for so long because it was waiting for something. Someone.
It had been waiting for Blake.
The sane, rational part of me knew I was more messed up than any doctor or shrink had ever determined, but at that moment, with Blake’s fingers entwined with my own, I couldn’t find it in me to care. His touch didn’t repulse me or scare me. It soothed me. And as he led me into the woods, my heart wasn’t rapidly beating out of fear—it was racing for things to come.
“Blake, slow down. Where are we going?” I asked stumbling behind him as he led us deeper into the woods.
“Shh, just a little farther,” he whispered his voice full of mirth.
Nervous energy tingled in my stomach setting my whole body alive. I had spent so many nights sneaking out of the Freeman group home with Blake in the cover of darkness secretly escaping to the one place we could be free. The only place we could truly be ourselves. This felt the same and yet, somehow different. Something had changed.
“Here, see.” Blake pulled me through two trees standing so close together they reminded me of the secret passage cut through the trees lining the end of the Freeman’s yard. We stepped into a circular clearing. The moonlight shone down giving everything an ethereal quality. It was breathtaking.
“Look up,” Blake said watching for my reaction. I tilted my face toward the sky and gasped. A ceiling of stars hung right above us, and I felt sure if I reached out, I could touch them. “I knew you’d like it.”
Like it? It was everything.
Blake tugged me down next to him and with his hand still wrapped firmly around mine leaned back on the grass. I followed his lead until we were lying side my side our hands clasped between us.
“I couldn’t let you leave without seeing this. Do you remember?”
Of course, I remembered.
Over the years, the stars had been my reminder that Blake was real, that he had existed at a time in my life I thought I wouldn’t survive. Blake loved the stars. Bennett had tried to teach him the constellations, but by the time Bennett had aged out, Blake could only pick out Cassiopeia. That didn’t stop us from naming the stars. We would spend hours pointing out funny patterns and giving them crazy names and stories. Blake even named a constellation after me—Lucky Penny. It just looked like a misshapen circle of stars to my eyes, but he said if you looked closely, you could see my smile.