Exhale

by Jennifer Snyder

  Being with Brody was changing her, but from the looks of it, it was for the best.

  “Yeah, we made it,” I said as Derek and I stepped through the door and around her.

  “We’re just waiting on Eric and Ray now. I think they’re each bringing someone with them, too. Our group is finally growing,” Missy said, oblivious to the fact that we were here to honor the death of one of our friends, and at the same time, escape from our circus-like families and eat something other than turkey and green bean casserole.

  “There are sodas, wings, all kinds of chips and dips…hell, there’s even a fruit tray. Help yourself to whatever,” Brody said as he closed the basement door behind him. “As soon as the guys get here, I’ll let you all in on my Kyle memorial special.” He winked.

  Derek’s hand tensed in mine. He pulled away and walked to the food table. “I’m gonna get a soda, you want anything?”

  “Nah, I’m all right,” I answered, picking at my fingernails, my insides suddenly twisting.

  “What’s up with you guys?” Missy whispered as she sauntered over to where I stood. “I noticed you two were holding hands when you walked in.” She raised an eyebrow and gave me a pointed look. I realized then that I hadn’t told her about the kiss in my kitchen or about Derek hanging out in my room when I’d been sick.

  “Yeah,” I smiled. “We talked a lot over the last few days and I think we’re finally where we should be...again.”

  “Has he kissed you?”

  “Yep.”

  “Well it’s about damn time,” she said, placing her hand on her hips.

  I glanced across the room at Derek. He stood to the side of the pool table with a couple of the other guys, watching as Brody racked up the balls and laughing at something someone said as he took another sip of his soda.

  “Yeah, I know,” I smirked, feeling my cheeks heat with color.

  “All right you guys, here’s the last of the food,” Mr. Perini said as he sat another tray of food beside all the others. “Derek, it’s good to see you here, son.” He walked over to Derek and slapped him on the back. “I hope you like what Brody has planned for tonight. He went through a lot of trouble and I can’t say that I approve of exactly what he’s doing, but…Kyle was a good kid, so I couldn’t tell Brody no when he wanted to place the order with my credit card.”

  “Thanks…I think,” Derek said, the edges of his lips twisting into a forced smile.

  “All right, Dad, head on back upstairs before you blow the surprise for everyone,” Brody insisted, making a shooing motion after his father. “Let’s turn up some music and get this party started!” He pulled a remote out from inside his pocket and cranked the music up as his dad zipped back up the stairs.

  An hour passed. Eric and Ray had finally shown up with their girlfriends for the night. Once Brody was sure that his dad wasn’t going to come back downstairs anytime soon, he reached behind the couch and pulled out a brand new bottle of the Bacardi Gold—Kyle’s favorite.

  “All right, so this is how it’s going to work…as you all know, this shit was Kyle’s favorite shot.” He held the bottle up for all of us to see and then grabbed an empty wooden bowl from on an end table. “Everyone reach in your pockets for your keys please. We’re only doin’ one shot, but ain’t nobody leavin’ right after.”

  Brody walked around to each of us until the bowl was filled with everyone’s keys. Ten shots were laid out. Each one filled to the rim.

  “Everyone can grab a shot and step outside with me,” Brody instructed. We all did as we were told, each of us eager to find out what he had planned.

  Brody had us form a semicircle around the cardboard box Derek and I had seen him carry out earlier. I walked slowly, careful not to spill the amber liquid on myself. Derek was at my right and Missy on my left. As I glanced back and forth between the two, taking in how completely opposite their expressions were—Derek’s face solemn and his lips pressed together firmly, Missy’s face excited with a wide grin that crinkled the edges of her eyes—I felt mixed feelings of my own about this night.

  Brody lifted his glass high into the air. “This shot is in dedication to Kyle, who was one womanizing, cocky ass motherfucker, but he was also my best friend and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss him. To Kyle.”

  Each of us raised up our shot glasses. “To Kyle,” we repeated and then downed them.

  The spicy warmth slid down my throat and I fought the urge to gag as I waited for the burn to dull. I quickly took a sip of my soda and sloshed it around in my mouth, hoping to erase the tang from my tongue. I hated liquor, but most of all, I hated doing shots. If I was drinking any kind of liquor, it had to be in a mixed drink, preferably something fruity.

  “There are three things that I know Kyle loved,” Brody said as he bent down and opened the box in front of us all. “Bacardi Gold—which we just had—naked girls, and fun.”

  I laughed out loud at the realization that I had come to that exact same conclusion about Kyle earlier. He had been such a typical guy.

  “Please dear god, do not tell me you have a bunch of naked girls inside that box,” Missy muttered beside me and I couldn’t help but chuckle even more.

  “You’ll see,” Brody winked at her.

  I could feel the warmth of the alcohol slowly making its way down my throat and swirling within my stomach as I waited to find out what was in the box. Brody reached in and pulled out a few white things.

  “These, my friends, are the naked girls.” He stood and held one up in front of us, the lights from the house allowing us to see what he was holding up clearly. “This is what Dad wasn’t too keen on me ordering.”

  “What is it?” I asked, trying to make sense of what he was holding up. It looked like a white bag with a black silhouette of a naked girl painted on it.

  “Paper lanterns,” Brody smiled.

  “With the silhouette of a naked chick painted on it?” Eric asked with a shit-eating grin of approval.

  “Yep,” Brody answered, handing one to him. I sat my soda and shot glass down as Brody began to pass a lantern out to each of us. “It took me forever to find these things.”

  “I bet,” Ray said with a snicker.

  “I don’t know if Heaven is where Kyle went, he was one ornery little shit, but I like to think that’s where he’s at…and so, I decided to send him some naked chicks to keep his afterlife interesting,” Brody said, lighting the wick inside of the one he was holding.

  Derek chuckled beside me. He’d remained silent until now. “Thanks man, you were a true friend. Kyle would love this.”

  Brody patted Derek on the back before handing him the lighter. After each of our lanterns were lit, we all stood, basking in their glow.

  “Now I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with these, I didn’t want to get too technical with it, but my idea behind this is…I want us all to think of something you wish you could say to Kyle just before you release yours,” Brody said, closing his eyes as he filled the lantern with his thoughts.

  I had never imagined Brody, of all people, to be so sentimental. In fact, it shocked me completely.

  “This is such a great idea,” Missy said from beside me, the admiration toward Brody clearly audible in her words.

  “Thanks, babe,” Brody replied, winking at her.

  We were all silent after that, each of us thinking of our own message to fill our lantern with before releasing it up to Kyle. When the long charcoal lighter got to me, I already had what I wanted to say in mind.

  “On three, we release. Derek, I want you to count us down,” Brody said, nodding in Derek’s direction.

  “One…” Derek began and everyone lifted their lantern further out in front of them. “Two…” I miss you, I love you, I’ll never forget you, but I’m releasing all of the guilt and blame I’ve carried for so many months because it’s not mine to carry…it’s no one’s. “Three…” Derek said and we all let the lanterns lift from our fingertips at the same time.


  Derek slipped his hand into mine as we watched the lanterns float high into the sky with the ocean crashing in the background. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, naked silhouettes of chicks and all.

  “One more half shot and then we’re done for the night with alcohol,” Missy announced as she backtracked back inside for the bottle.

  Derek squeezed my hand in his and I looked up at him. “You okay?” I asked.

  His lips twisted into a small smile. It didn’t reach up and touch the edges of his eyes, but I could still sense its genuineness. “Yeah, you?”

  My eyes moved slowly from his face to the bracelet on my wrist. Every moment I ever shared with Kyle played through my mind like a movie, stopping with how he had looked when he walked away from me that night after hitting Derek. My throat burned and I waited for the tears I felt coming to start.

  They never did.

  My vision never blurred. No guilt swallowed me whole. Instead, my heart remained steady as the images flooded my mind and I recognized what the peacefulness building in my chest meant.

  “I’m okay, too,” I said, and for the first time since Kyle’s death, truly meant it, as I smiled up at Derek.

  “Where’s your glass?” Missy asked, holding the bottle of Bacardi in both of her hands ready to pour.

  “Right here,” I bent down to retrieve it from the ground as my mind kept going and understanding continued to seep into me. It was okay to live after the death of someone you loved. It was allowed.

  “Let’s toast again, this time to the third thing Kyle loved…to fun,” Brody said, once Missy had finished filling everyone’s glasses up halfway.

  We all raised our glasses to that. I downed my shot with the others and smiled as Derek pulled me against him, snaking his arm around my waist and burying his face in my neck.

  Life is full of beginnings and endings. It’s full of consequences and mistakes, heartache and worry, but it’s also full of love, forgiveness, and closure. We should all strive to focus on those things the most.

  I set my shot glass and soda down at my feet again, and then untied the knot on Kyle’s bracelet. Stuffing it in my back pocket, I spun around in Derek’s arms and pressed my lips to his.

  It was finally time for me to exhale—it was time for me to let go.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to my wonderful family. Thanks to my mom, who reads everything I write and has no fear of telling me her honest opinion. Thanks to my little sister, who swears if I’ve written it she will love it no matter what. Thanks to all the readers, for allowing me to entertain them with another one of my stories. Thanks to Alyssa Rose Ivy for all her encouragement and endless blurb writing help!

  I am forever indebted to all of you!

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Jennifer Snyder lives in North Carolina were she spends most of her time writing young adult fiction, reading, and struggling to stay on top of housework. She is an instant coffee lover with an obsession for spiral bound notebooks and smooth writing pens. Jennifer lives with her husband and two children, who endure listening to songs that spur inspiration on repeat and tolerate her love for all paranormal, teenage-targeted TV shows.

  Find out more about Jennifer Snyder’s next book on her blog:

  http://jennifersnydersblog.blogspot.com