The Earl's Regret_Regency Romance

by Joyce Alec

  “Brother, I must see her,” Robert said. “I cannot allow her to feel punished for what I have done. She must know that I did all I could to protect her.”

  John stared at him, his eyes full of pity and sadness for his brother. “I understand how difficult this must be for you,” he replied gently. “Agnes told me that Thompson spent most of last night in her room alone. Agnes stayed with her as she wept. It is a most unfortunate situation.”

  Robert’s heart constricted in his chest, and he found it difficult to breathe again.

  “I also heard that father was a right fool in the way that he treated you, and do not even allow me to address our sister’s behavior.”

  Robert grimaced. “I have not spoken to them since.”

  John sighed. “They were right, you know. This was inappropriate, and you should have known better. It doesn’t excuse their behavior though.”

  “I do not need a lecture from you, too,” Robert snarled. “I have heard enough of my mistakes.”

  “Have you?” John asked. “Do you truly know the full extent of the damage that you have caused?”

  Robert threw his hands up in exasperation. “Fine. If you will not allow me to see her, then I shall be on my way. Please give Agnes my best regards.”

  He bowed deeply, a mocking sneer planted on his face, his cheeks hot with rage. He placed his hat back upon his head and turned to storm back up the drive.

  “Wait!”

  Robert turned to see John standing with the door open to the rest of the foyer. He stared at him, unsure if this was some sort of trick.

  “I must know if you understand exactly what all of this has come to,” John repeated, more quietly. His patience was irritating, and Robert simply sighed.

  “There is the old saying that the heart wants what the heart wants. But you, as a man of such great faith, should be telling me all about the fact that the heart lies to us, and often is the root of all our selfish desires. Is it not?” John looked at Robert expectantly.

  Robert’s anger ebbed slightly as his own words were thrown back upon him.

  “It is true.”

  “Your actions have brought unrest to an entire family,” John began, “But I do not condemn you for loving a woman below your station.”

  Robert was unsure if he had heard his brother correctly. He looked up at him, and John looked back with a steady gaze.

  He is telling me the truth…

  “I expected you to take father’s side,” Robert replied. “I thought you had, the way you were speaking to me.”

  John shook his head. “My wife and I are of the same mind that society has some very strange rules, rules that perhaps are too rigid. However, your actions do affect our sisters and our parents,” John said as Robert made to protest. “I simply am telling you how I feel. This is what society will see, that you dishonored your family by chasing after some poor maid, unable to control yourself. You will lose all dignity before those we know, and the rumors will have more than enough weight to stir up much darker and sinister assumptions about the two of you.”

  “But none of that is true!”

  “And who is to tell them that?” John replied calmly. “Are you going to speak to each and every person who hears of this and correct them? No. That is impossible.”

  Robert slumped against the wall, feeling as if he carried so much that he would surely collapse from the weight of it all.

  “What am I to do?”

  John sighed. “What you would like to hear and what I will tell you may be two very different things.”

  Robert looked back up at his brother, waiting.

  John looked down the drive, into the distance forests. “You must allow her to begin her life in a new place. You must forget her, and in that, protect her. If you love her, then her wellbeing should be your primary concern. Your reputation will remain intact after she is gone, and our sisters will not be known as the siblings to a dishonorable man.”

  John was right; that was not what he had wanted to hear. It twisted his stomach into knots, and a hard lump formed at the back of his throat.

  “May I make peace with her before she is to leave?” Robert asked. “I must see her one last time.”

  John studied Robert’s face for a long moment. Robert could not read his expression, but eventually, he turned and walked back into the manor.

  “I will allow you five minutes to speak with her. But any more will be damaging to you both. Do you understand?”

  Elation and relief flooded through Robert like a rushing wave. It was tinged with darkness, but it was more than he could have hoped for by far. “Yes. I understand.” He was surprised to hear how still his voice was.

  John found Alice, and after only a quarter of an hour of waiting, he allowed her and Robert into a parlor where they would not be disturbed. He told them he was to stand outside to give them some privacy, but he would return when the five minutes was up. That was all he would allow them to have alone.

  When the door closed, Robert finally met her eye.

  “Alice…” he breathed, using her given name. “I…”

  She burst into tears and slowly lowered herself to the chair, her hands clasped over her mouth.

  He knelt down in front of her, and looked up into her face. His heart throbbed painfully. She truly was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and she was wearing nothing more than a simple linen dress with her hair tied back in a tight knot at the nape of her neck. Her tears splashed onto her hands, and he wanted nothing more than to wipe them away.

  I caused all of this, he thought darkly.

  “This is all my fault,” he told her, feeling his own eyes begin to sting. “I should never have put you into this sort of situation. I just…”

  She continued to cry, her eyes pinched tightly shut. It was as if she couldn’t bear to look at him. How he wished that she would.

  “Alice, you are the most wonderful woman that I have ever met. You are so incredibly intelligent, and your love of literature is something I have not seen in a young woman for a long time. I found myself thinking about you all the time.”

  The words were tumbling out faster than he could stop them, but he allowed them to continue, for when would he ever get another chance to say them?

  He clenched his hands into fists to stop them from grabbing hers.

  “You have the most lovely smile.”

  A tear formed in his eye.

  “Your hair is stunning, and vibrant, and there is no way I will ever be able to forget it.”

  His voice caught in his throat.

  “And you are, by far, the most beautiful woman that I have ever known.”

  She sobbed, but her eyes opened, and she looked into his face for the first time since she had sat down again.

  He swallowed hard. “Alice, I sincerely apologize for all the pain and torment that I have caused you,” he said, his throat tight, his jaw clenched. “But I will never regret the fact that I deeply admire you. I will never regret the conversations that we shared, or the smiles that I knew were only for me and only for you. I may have to say goodbye to you today, but my heart will always remember you and cherish you.”

  Her hands closed over his, and she suddenly leaned in toward him, her eyes fixed on his.

  Tears still streaked down her cheeks, but her gaze was strong.

  “My heart is broken,” she said, and he could feel her tears splashing down onto his fingers. He felt her hands trembling. “I cannot convey the sorrow that I have experienced these past couple days. I thought… I thought for sure that I would never see you again.”

  She laughed wryly and sniffed. He fought the urge to embrace her.

  “I thought that perhaps it was all right if I did not, for at least the last time I saw you, you had smiled at me so kindly, and I had known that my heart longed for you.”

  He felt as if someone had swung a thick tome of a book at the back of his skull. The lights in the room seemed to pulse, and he felt dizzy.

>   This cannot be happening…he told himself. I cannot lose her, I cannot.

  She smiled at him through her shining eyes.

  “I was so glad to hear that you had come for me one last time.”

  They stared at one another for what seemed like hours, even though only a few seconds had passed, allowing the moment to solidify into one that perhaps would last forever. If they had stopped existing in that moment, they both would have been happier than they ever had been in their lives, and also the saddest they had ever been.

  “Blast all of this propriety nonsense,” he spat, feeling his jaw clench. “This is all so ridiculous. I cannot stand any of it.”

  Robert wanted to run as far away as he could, and also scoop her up into his arms and never let her go all at the same time. Wildly, he considered running with her out the back door, not looking back, forgetting his entire life and existence in one fell swoop.

  But she looked away, and the fiery impulse faded.

  “We will never see each other again after today,” she said quietly, releasing his hands.

  He closed his fingers over the places where hers had just been resting and felt as if he had lost something more precious than all of the gold in the world.

  “I know,” he replied. “I hope you know that it is not my wish.”

  She shook her head. “Nor mine. But it is what is right.”

  “I must protect you,” Robert said fervently. “I must allow you to have a life that you deserve.” Anger flared in him at the thought. “I must allow you to marry a man worthy of you, one who will not shame you as I have, one who can love you without fear of rejection or cause trouble for you. One who will give you a good life and a happy one.”

  She shook her head, the tears returning. “You have not shamed me, Robert.” The sound of his given name on her tongue made his heart race. “I should have known my place.”

  He caught her hand in his again, and lifted her chin with his other to hold her gaze.

  “Do not say such things,” he said gently. “You have done nothing wrong. Do not allow blame to condemn you.”

  She nodded, her eyes closing again. The pain was obvious in her expression.

  “Her Ladyship is helping me to find a new place of employment,” she said quietly. “She and His Lordship have been most kind.”

  “I am so sorry that all of this is taking you away from Lady Bridgewater,” Robert said, the guilt in his chest a white-hot pain.

  She smiled, but it was sad, and did not reach her eyes. “They will ensure that I find a place where I will be happy, I am sure of it. His Lordship has already been in contact with a cousin of yours who has some young children.”

  “Lord Garrison?”

  Alice nodded her head. “I believe so. His Lordship said that they could use an attentive and cheery maid to help raise the children. Perhaps getting a chance to help raise young girls would be good for me. Something entirely new.”

  Robert swallowed hard, unable to shake the anxiety that has risen in him. There was a knock at the door, and Robert stood to his feet.

  “I’m giving you one more minute,” came John’s voice through the door.

  Robert sighed, the fear more palpable than before.

  Alice rose to her feet and looked up into Robert’s green eyes. He wanted nothing more than to look away, but her gaze was like a vice, rooting him to the spot.

  “I dearly wish that I could see you again,” Robert whispered, tears flooding his eyes that he had not been aware had formed.

  She reached up and gingerly cupped the side of his face with her palm. He reached up and wrapped his hand around her small one, pressing her palm to his cheek. He closed his eyes, the tears pouring down onto his cheeks and the front of his jacket.

  “I know,” she replied just as quietly. Her voice was as steady as a gentle summer breeze, and he wondered where she had gotten her strength.

  And then she pulled her hand away from his face, and took a step back from him, just as the door to the room opened.

  John looked in, his eyes questioning.

  Robert scrubbed at his cheeks with his jacket sleeve to rid himself of the tears. He had to be strong now. There was no room for weakness.

  “Thompson,” John said, standing aside, gesturing out the door for her.

  Alice looked at Robert, hard, for a moment, and then she turned away, walking slowly out of the room.

  The sound of her footsteps growing softer in the corridor was a finality that Robert had not expected; each step felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest little by little. When silence engulfed the room, Robert felt hollow, shattered. He was but a shell of a man that he had been just the day before.

  John watched him cautiously. Robert would not look at him, so John slowly closed the door behind himself to allow Robert some privacy.

  Robert did not cry anymore; he felt he was past that point of sadness. A numbness filled him, making him almost believe that the entire event had not affected him. He felt as if he had been running for three days straight, and his head felt as if it was full of cotton.

  Alice’s scent hung about the air, like lavender and honeysuckle. The flicker of the candlelight shone red like her hair and wavered wildly like his heart.

  Lord, what is your plan? How could something like this be in Your plan? I trust in You and Your works, but what would You have me do?

  He collapsed into the same chair that Alice has been seated in and allowed his head to fall back against the wooden frame.

  There is no way for me to be with her. There is no way around any of this. I am not a common man, and she is not a woman of noble birth. There is nothing that can be done to remedy these facts. We are who we were born to be. But, maybe something can change.

  Robert picked his head up. His gaze fell upon an open Bible on the table beside the window, its pages open to the book of Romans.

  He wiped his hands over his face and rose to his feet. He walked over to the Bible, and the very first verse that his gaze fell upon, Romans 8:28, said, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

  Purpose. What was his purpose? To be a man who is governed by what his father and sister tells him he should be? To be a man who must obey the beliefs of society, to marry not for love but for necessity?

  He ran his fingers over the open page again, the feeling familiar and comforting.

  I think that you would make a wonderful man for the church.

  His grandfather’s words rang in his mind as if they had just been spoken to him. Robert was comfortable speaking to large audiences. He loved to study the Word. He had little regard for the dealings of high society.

  He wished to marry a woman that was entirely out of his reach because he himself was still tied to the noble classes. It was almost obvious to him now. How he had not seen it all along?

  He stood frozen to the spot, his finger still pointing to the verse in Romans.

  All things work together for good to those who love God.

  For good. Surely something good was to come out of this mess.

  Those who are called according to His purpose.

  Robert almost gasped with relief. He couldn’t believe that this option had not been obvious to him all along. He was sure that his father would not approve of it. It had always been a sort of secondary desire of his. His grandfather had wanted it, and eventually he had too.

  But he had never truly been sure that he would ever actually act on that desire.

  Standing at this juncture in his life, it was the choice that seemed to bring him to where he felt called, but also to a place where he could have what he wanted.

  He did not want to waste another moment. He dashed out of the room and out of the house without stopping to see anyone.

  He had to find his father before it was too late.

  7

  The Purpose

  “I cannot believe what my ears are hearing right no
w.”

  Robert stood in his father’s study, across from his father who sat at his desk. The room was cold, and Robert wasn’t entirely sure it was because the study was on the northern side of the estate and never saw any direct sunlight, or if it was because his father was furious at Robert’s words.

  Robert gazed back at his father patiently.

  His father sat back in his chair and looked at the open book that he had been reading when Robert abruptly entered the room. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “What has brought you to this conclusion all of the sudden?” the duke asked, still not looking up at Robert. “This has something to do with that girl, doesn’t it?”

  Robert felt his cheeks flush. “Father, I have discussed entering the church for a long time. Ever since grandfather suggested it, it has remained in my mind like a seed just waiting to grow. And it has grown, tall and strong, and I will not be swayed from this choice.”

  His father looked up at his son, his brows now forming one long line across his forehead.

  “What has you so convinced of this?” his father asked.

  Robert steeled himself. He had spent the entire carriage ride from John’s home dissecting his own argument, attempting to make it as flawless as possible, so that his father would have no argument against it.

  He had known that his father would partially see through his rouse, but he clasped his hands behind his back and looked back steadily at his father.

  “I am the second son, and since I am not a daughter to marry off, I have perhaps the least valuable outcome.”

  His father meant to protest, but Robert held up his hand. “Please, Father, allow me to continue.”

  His father slowly sat back in his chair and laid his hands together on his lap. “Go on, then.”

  Robert sighed. “As I said, I am to inherit very little. There is no dowry for a son, and I do not have much of a chance for a match.”

  His father rolled his eyes. “We have talked about this many times, my son. You do have a good chance for a good match. Our family name alone is worth more than most. And it’s not true that you will inherit very little. The land and money I have put aside for you will provide a very comfortable life. Many families would be proud for their daughter to marry you.”