While It Lasts

by Paige Rion

  “It’s not what you think,” he said, stepping toward her. “I... It’s...”

  Rachel glanced to the ground. She could feel the creeping blush staining her cheeks, and she couldn’t even look at him for fear she might—of all things!—cry. Then, knowing how foolish she must have looked, she straightened, pushed her head up high and met his gaze. “It’s fine. Really. We’re both adults here and it’s not like we defined this thing between us.”

  She backed up until she couldn’t go any further. The railing pressed into her back, caging her in.

  “Rachel. I just... it’s...” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

  It’s what?

  She desperately wanted him to explain away the situation, say something that made sense and excuse the presence of a woman in his home at noon on a Saturday. But he said nothing, just stood there as if he hadn’t an excuse in the world.

  As she readied herself to turn and leave, the door creaked open, and from inside, she heard a tiny voice.

  Rex’s pupils dilated into pinpoints of fear, and he turned around so quick, she barely glimpsed the small figure behind him, as he ushered her back inside. “Mol, go back in.”

  “Who is it? Daddy, is that the girl?”

  Daddy?

  “Get inside. Go,” he said, his voice taking on a frustrated edge.

  Rachel stared. Rex’s body served as a human shield, blocking the little girl from Rachel’s view. But after a moment, his shoulders slumped in defeat and he stopped shooing the girl away.

  Rachel had no time to prepare for the angelic creature that moved around him and stood before her. Her breath caught in her throat as the little round face peered up at her. Downy blond curls framed her face and startling green eyes—the same shade as her father’s—stared up at Rachel with an intensity beyond that of a child. She wore a red-and-white Santa shirt and pair of glittery jeans that were too long, so that Rachel could barely make out the tiny toes peeking from underneath.

  After a moment, she smiled and Rachel could see further resemblance to Rex, hidden there in the happiest part of the child.

  Turning, he moved behind the girl and placed his hands on her shoulders, so large and masculine compared to her small, feminine features. “Rachel, this is my daughter, Molly.”

  Molly.

  * * *

  Several moments passed as Rachel stared at his daughter, her eyes wide with surprise. Colton held his breath, wondering whether the discovery of Molly might send her running away from him as fast as possible. But when a slow smile played on her lips and she stepped forward, he released his pent-up breath.

  She crouched forward to his daughter’s height and shook her hand. “Hi, Molly. Nice to meet you.”

  “Daddy said I wouldn’t get to meet you.”

  Rachel eyed him over Molly’s head. “Is that so?”

  He tried not to notice the hurt in her eyes and opted to try the parental trick of redirection in the hopes of distracting her thoughts. “Hey, it’s cold. Let’s all go inside.” He nudged Molly toward the open door, then turned to Rachel.

  “I can just go if you want,” she said.

  He shook his head. “No. Don’t do that.”

  “We’ve talked about so much this week. So many personal things, yet you didn’t tell me about her.”

  Rex sighed and reached out to her. “Rachel, I didn’t tell you about her because I don’t tell anyone about her. I don’t date much and when I do, it usually doesn’t last. I don’t want her to get attached and then get hurt. Especially because of me and a failed relationship.”

  It was the truth. Or part of it, anyway.

  Taking her hand, he added, “You have to understand that. It has nothing to do with you. Please believe me, and please stay.”

  Rachel stared at him, as if trying to determine whether to believe him. But before she could say anything, Molly stuck her head back out the door. “You coming Rachel? I want to show you my room.”

  Rex chuckled and held his hand out to her. “Are you going to say no to her? And if you do, you’ll make my life hell, just so you know.”

  “Are you sure? I won’t be offended,” she said, although he knew it was a lie.

  “I’m sure.”

  Rachel took his hand and stepped inside. “We don’t usually have anyone over.” He snatched Molly’s coat from the floor and shoved it in the closet. But Rachel didn’t notice. In fact, she seemed rather oblivious to him, as her eyes trailed the smattering of drawings stuck to the refrigerator, the Barbie cup that sat on the breakfast counter, still half-full of juice, and the dolls clustered on the couch.

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s not much, but—”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I love it. I was just thinking how cozy it felt.”

  “Uh, can I get you something? Coffee? Anything?” he asked, feeling jittery and unsure exactly why. Seeing Rachel in his home, with Molly, unnerved him.

  “That’s okay. I’m fine.”

  Molly ran into the room, clutching a half-naked Barbie in one hand and a pony in the other. “Come on. I was just playing. Come see my room, and Dad set up this super-cool tent.” Molly tugged on Rachel’s shirt, her joy palpable.

  “Molly, maybe Miss Rachel doesn’t want to play.” Colton said, his gaze shifting from one to the other.

  “What else would she do?”

  “I don’t know. Talk about grown -up stuff?” Colton was at a loss for words and wishing he didn’t feel so shaken at the presence of this woman in his condo.

  “Grown-up stuff is boring,” Molly said, scrunching her nose.

  Rachel laughed and glanced at Colton. “She has a point. Grown-up stuff is boring.”

  “Not all grown-up stuff,” Colton muttered, as Rachel’s answering chuckle echoed down the hall.

  * * *

  He tried. He really tried not to feel anything, as he watched Rachel with his daughter. But not feeling was akin to not breathing. Impossible.

  While a slushy mix of rain and sleet drizzled over the quiet town, Rachel spent the afternoon playing with Molly. From Barbies to dolls, to Play-Doh, and tea parties, nothing was off limits. He watched his daughter smile at Rachel, her tiny face blossoming and opening up in a way he had never seen before.

  Molly asked her countless questions—drilling her on how she got the waves in her hair to look like that, what shade of lipstick she wore, and where she lived—to the point of slight embarrassment on his part. Was his inadequacy as a single parent that obvious? Her desperation for another female in her life was quite apparent, and suddenly Colton wondered whether he had done the right thing all these years by shielding her from his relationships. Then again, none of them were serious. All of his relationships over the years had been fleeting, short stints with women he never fully let into his world and never saw a future with. So what would have been the point?

  They broke for supper. Colton made the three of them grilled cheese and fries before Molly and Rachel were off again. Normally, he would’ve felt bad for the way she was monopolizing Rachel’s time, but he couldn’t. Not when Molly looked so completely happy.

  He stepped into Molly’s bedroom, now a disaster from her enthusiastic playing, and watched Rachel. She sat, cross-legged, in front of his daughter with one of her plastic tiaras on her head, effortlessly fixing the botched paint job he had done on Molly’s toes last week. She chattered on as she did, seemingly oblivious to his presence, until he cleared his throat and extended a hand, offering her a cup of coffee.

  “Thanks.” Rachel smiled, revealing the tiniest hint of a dimple in her left cheek—something Colton hadn’t noticed before.

  He took a sip of his coffee as he watched her.

  There was probably a lot they didn’t know about each other, he mused. Still, he couldn’t help but feel intrinsically connected to her. He had shared his past with her, something he never did, and now he was sharing his daughter. He was in trouble, and he knew it. He was getting in too deep, allowing him
self to feel too much. And although Rachel wasn’t the subject of his investigation, she would be a casualty of it if he let this thing between them grow.

  Yet, as he sat down next to her, quietly lacing his hand with hers while she talked to Molly, he never wanted this to end. Because deep down, he recognized a part of him was lonely, despite having his daughter.

  He loved her more than anything on this earth, but the love for a daughter wasn’t a replacement for companionship. It couldn’t keep him warm at night, or give him the passion his life had lacked for far too long.

  His desire for Rachel stretched in his heart, awakening something that had long since been dead. And he wondered if maybe he was given this assignment for a reason bigger than the investigation itself. Maybe the entire reason he had opened up to her, more than anyone before was because he had to for appearance’s sake. After all, if he wanted her to fall for him and trust him, he had to be real, vulnerable like in a real relationship. If it weren’t for this case—for Rachel—he may never have opened up to anyone.

  He took another sip of coffee and focused on the conversation in front of him, trying to pull his thoughts from the clouds and ground them.

  “Have you dated a lot of guys?” Molly asked Rachel.

  Colton chuckled while she pursed her lips.

  “I don’t know. It depends on who you ask,” Rachel answered.

  Smart girl, Colton thought.

  “Daddy hardly dates. Ever,” Molly said, her small features crumpled in disgust.

  Rachel laughed, then glanced at him sideways. “Is that so?”

  “Yes! Like I said, you’re the only girl I ever met. And he hardly ever goes out, unless it’s for work.”

  It seemed Molly was more than happy to throw him under the bus.

  “He has no life,” she added.

  “Okay, I think Rachel gets the picture,” Colton said, but his tone was anything but angry. He smiled and rolled his eyes at Rachel for show. “Kids certainly have no trouble telling it like it is. Do they?” Then he turned back to Molly. “But it’s about your bedtime,” he said, glancing at his watch. “Which means you need to get in the bath.”

  “But Dad,” she whined.

  “No but Dads. You woke up early this morning and you’ll be tired tomorrow if you stay up any later. Plus, Rachel looks tired too.” He grinned and then stifled a chuckle as Rachel yawned next to him.

  “Can Rachel bathe me?”

  Rachel glanced from Molly to him, her eyes slightly panicked and bewildered. Surely, she hadn’t ever bathed a child before. Why would she have? She was only twenty-two, the same age Colton was when he found out Molly’s mom was pregnant and only a year shy of his age when she was born. He was just as inexperienced then as Rachel now.

  Colton stood and swooped Molly under his arm, grunting with the weight of her. “Miss Rachel needs a break,” he said, saving her from fumbling around with a bath for a five year old.

  He left the room and headed for the bathroom and began to run the water. From Molly’s room next to the bath he could hear the thud and clatter of toys as Rachel cleaned up. He was about to tell her not to worry about it before Molly interrupted him.

  “Dad, can Rachel come and live with us?”

  “Molly, no.” He shook his head, feeling the bloom of heat in his cheeks.

  “But—”

  “Mol, Rachel and I don’t even know each other that well yet.” Even as he said it, his heart disagreed, and noted the “yet” with joy, a subconscious verbal affirmation that more was to come.

  Her lower lip trembled and for one horrifying minute, Colton thought she might cry. “Okay. Will she come visit us again, though?”

  Colton’s heart ached. “I think so. Why don’t you ask her?”

  “Miss Rachel, will you come back and play with me again?” Molly yelled, so Rachel could hear over the drone of her running bath water.

  “Of course.” Rachel yelled, then timidly peeked her head inside the bathroom.

  “I’ll be out in a minute,” Colton told her. Just let me get her hair first.

  Rachel nodded and left. When she shut the door, he winked at Molly, whose lip no longer quivered. She seemed to be pacified. “Good girl.”

  Fifteen minutes later, they joined Rachel back in Molly’s room. Teeth brushed, hair blow-dried, and now in her flannel reindeer nightgown, Molly snuggled up under the warmth of her comforter. Colton switched on her nightlight and leaned over her, planting a soft kiss on her cheek. Molly blinked, her eyelids already drooping, ready to succumb to sleep. The minute she gave Rachel a goodnight hug, encircling Rachel’s slim body in her arms, she lay back and closed her eyes.

  Moving out into the hallway, neither Colton nor Rachel said anything as he closed her door shut and they made their way into the living room. He sank down into the couch, waiting for Rachel to follow, and then pulled her into him when she did.

  He kissed her, moving his hands into her hair and cradling her head. He felt the beat of her heart against his chest and imagined she could feel his as it knocked against his ribcage, and he wondered if she felt even a fraction of what he did in that moment.

  When he pulled back, he wanted her more than he had ever wanted any woman. He thought about scooping her up, taking her into his arms and into his bedroom, and then making love to her. But he couldn’t. That much he would deny himself. Because as much as his heart told him otherwise, he had to remember she was a part of a job. It was one thing to take her heart, but it was another to take her body when she didn’t know the whole truth.

  “She’s wonderful,” Rachel murmured, when he pulled away.

  “Yeah, she is.” He smiled, a small and fleeting thing, feeling the weight of loss for a moment that he couldn’t be with Rachel in all the ways he wanted to.

  “What about her—”

  “Mom?” Colton exhaled. “She took off just after Mol was born. She didn’t want a baby. Colton shrugged.

  “Is that what happened? The thing that changed your life and made you leave the Marines?” Rachel stared at him, her eyes sharp, and he marveled at how intuitive she was, at how many of the tiny details he had shared that she remembered.

  “Yeah. Once I found out Becca was pregnant, I had already put in my four years, so I was free to go. I left so that I could be around, especially because she was struggling so much with the fact that she was going to be a mother. Actually, I was really afraid at the time that if I stayed in, when I was away, Becca would go off and terminate the pregnancy. So I guess a part of me left to keep an eye on her, on our baby.”

  “Did you love her?”

  He shook his head, his answer immediate. “No. We were young, just having fun. It was nothing too serious, especially with me away most of the time on tour. We knew each other in high school and so the relationship was kind of one of convenience in many ways. I think we were just passing the time more than anything.” He paused, then added. “Sometimes when I think of her, I get so angry that she could be so selfish, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t be both Molly’s mother and her father. Every year as she gets older, it gets harder, and that much more apparent that she needs a female role model.”

  He trailed a hand over her arm, glancing at her from the corner of his eye, realizing, once again, he confided in her something he never had in anyone else. What was it about her that made him open up so completely?

  “I can’t imagine. It must be very hard.” Rachel squeezed his hand. “You should be proud of what you’ve done.”

  He shrugged but said nothing. Her cheeks were a soft pink, her skin peaches and cream in the low light. He reached a hand out to her and stroked her cheek. “You were so good with her. Thank you for that. She loved every second of today.”

  “So did I. I meant what I said. She really is a wonderful. You’ve done a great job with her.”

  “Thank you. That means a lot.” A sharp lump formed in his throat. Colton swallowed, trying to dislodge it. He leaned forward and kissed Rachel’s h
and, her cheek, forehead, and then the crown of her head. When she pressed herself into his chest, leaning into him, he sighed, feeling completely contented.

  They stayed that way for a while, both lost in their own thoughts, relishing the quiet of the apartment. He felt the steady in-out of Rachel’s breath as her chest constricted, could hear the soft snores of Molly in the other room, and felt his chest constrict as Rachel wrapped her arms tighter around him.

  He angled his head, ready to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie, when he saw her closed eyes. The lines of her face relaxed in sleep, and he felt the even rhythm of her breath. He stared at her a moment before snuggling deeper into the couch and pulling the throw off the back to cover her with.

  What in the world he had gotten himself into? Whatever it was, it was too late to turn back. Because as nonsensical as it was, whether he wanted to admit it or not, his heart was completely and irrevocably wrapped up in the woman in his arms.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Rachel smiled to herself as she sat at Beans Café waiting for Andi. Outside, the wind and snow whipped about the small-town streets in giant arctic swirls. Yet the tumultuous weather had no impact on her mood. Not much could, she mused. Even the perilous situation with her father seemed of little concern at that moment.

  When she woke that morning, still in Rex’s arms on the giant sectional in his living room, she sneaked out of the house before Molly woke, thinking it best the child didn’t find her still in their home the next morning.

  Andi slid into the booth across from Rachel and shot her a hesitant smile. Things weren’t quite back to the way they once were, but Rachel felt confidant time would heal the rift she put between them, as long as she didn’t do anything stupid again. Maybe it was her developing feelings for Rex that made her see their situation clearer than before, but she could understand for the first time how much it cost Andi when she thought she may have lost Ford. No matter how long it took, Rachel would prove her loyalty to Andi and be the friend that she wasn’t this past summer.

  “Hey,” Andi said, breathlessly. She shook the snow off her coat and dark hair, then met Rachel’s gaze. “You wanted to discuss Carma?”