If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  “Well? Get over here and enjoy the show while it lasts,” he directed me to sit and poured us two glasses of wine. We shared the fries and watched the lightning show in silence for a long while.

  “Do you think John really is mixed up in all this mess with Jack?” I asked, out of the blue.

  “I’m not sure, don’t think so. He’s got a squeaky clean record, the guys practically a saint. Not so much as a parking ticket.”

  “Hope not. I really like him.” I said. Gage turned his head, an intent glare fixed on me.

  “You have feelings for him?” he asked, his voice despondent. If I wasn’t mistaken I would think that Mr. Carter was a wee bit on the jealous side. It was probably just the suspicious coming out of him. I almost wanted him to be.

  “I like him, but not like that.” He was a good friend, someone I enjoyed talking with, someone I could imagine being friends with long after the cruise, if my future allowed.

  There was no attraction beyond friendship, definitely no sexual desire where John was concerned, even though I had hoped for more when we met. He was a good looking guy with a great sense of humor, worldly and a rich naughty novelist who was probably a mad man in the sack.

  I watched as Gage considered what I said. “I heard you talking,” he said, and I froze when I recalled our tête-à-tête and the secrets I imparted.

  “You did?” I swallowed back the lump in my throat and looked away, taking a few sips of my wine, hoping to god he wasn’t able to see the color of my face.

  “Very enlightening conversation I must say.”

  I could feel the smile on his face, the atmosphere in the room had changed, charged with static electricity. The room lit up from the lightning outside and a rumbling of thunder in the distance sounded mere seconds after. “I think the storms over us.” I said and stared out the door.

  “I think it may be in this room.” I turned to look at him and the smile on his face looked sinister in the darkness. As he said, “You, sweetheart, have a stormy imagination. I have to say I enjoyed what I heard.”

  Rain pelted against the glass door with another flash and rumble and I moved to stand. Gage’s hand locked around my wrist and kept me in place.

  “I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he whispered.

  “I’m not embarrassed.” I was struggling to maintain my composure and get away. I was embarrassed. I wasn’t when I divulged my secrets to John, but I didn’t want him the way I wanted Gage.

  Holy shit! Gage heard it all, all of my twisted, kinky dreams. The things I told roared much louder than the thunder outside in my head and my heart boomed in my chest painfully. Surely my face was glowing in the darkness. What the hell must he think of me, the demented little virgin?

  “Yes you are. If not, you wouldn’t be trying to escape,” he grinned, immorally.

  “I’m not trying to escape,” I laughed it off. I was wishing to reverse time and take back all the secrets revealed. Take back the conversation I had and the fact that Gage heard.

  “We all have fantasies, sweetheart, dreams, wants, desires. Few like you can say it. Some can only show it.”

  He pulled me to him, holding me against his chest. His warm palm slid under my t-shirt, his hand burning into the flesh between my shoulder blades and covered my lips with his. My eyes closed, my lips melted with his, a light flashed behind my eyelids and then he pushed me back.

  “I apologize. I got carried away in the moment.” My lips tingled as we both stood.

  Faking a smile I spoke, “it’s okay, storms do strange things to people.” I fobbed it off like it never happened. Gage moved the sofa back and I turned the lights up.

  The moment had passed. The storm raged on outside the sliding doors, while calmness settled in the room. Gage refilled my glass and handed it to me, the tough exterior was back, but his eyes told a different story. Perhaps there was hope that I would get the opportunity to see another layer peel back soon.

  “I should go soon. We have to be up early if we’re still on for Singapore,” Gage said, swigging back the last mouthful of his wine and placing the glass on the table.

  “How early should I be up? I need to set my alarm,” I said.

  “Let me be your alarm. I’ll call you,” he said.

  With a smile I took a pen from the coffee table and opened his palm, writing my number just the way he had with me a few days ago.

  He smiled and headed to the door, gave me a quick peck on the cheek and was gone, faster than the lightning that flashed brightly in the room.

  I jumped into bed and lay there listening to the thunder, watching the lightning flash and counting in my head.

  Day 45

  Singapore

  Our day in Singapore was fabulous. It started far too early when Gage woke me at six thirty, I wanted to cry, but forced my ass out of bed anyway.

  The very first thing we did was make our way to the city’s observation wheel. We saw it from the ship and decided that would be our starting point. I had never seen anything like it, it was huge and towered against the shoreline of Marina Bay. There were cars with dining rooms and cars that offered shopping and souvenirs. We chose a simple thirty minute ride with fifteen other people, certainly not a romantic spot if that was what you were looking for. It was so high we could see the entire city and although it made me feel light headed and dizzy it was spectacular.

  Next we joined this crazy duck tour on the Captain Explorer DUKW amphibious vehicle. I was reluctant at first when the guide told us it went from land to water and back again. I wasn’t too keen on ending up in the Singapore River swimming for my life. But Gage said he’d hold my hand the whole time and keep me safe, I got suckered into his stupidity and said yes.

  I think we were on the thing for close to an hour. We saw popular landmarks; like the waterfront Esplanade, some kind of theatre, the Parliament building, Supreme Court and the War Memorial, they were pretty but boring as hell, and then we splashed into the waters of Marina Bay, which was the best part. There was audio commentary offered but I didn’t bother, even though Gage seemed fascinated, listening intently. I just enjoyed the view of this exotic city and watching Gage. There was a statue that looked half lion half fish called Merlion that I kind of liked. Gage bought me a charm of Merlion at the tours end.

  We did this night time tour of Chinatown before heading back to the ship with take out. I’d never forget this place as long as I lived. Paper lanterns strung through the streets and red and gold dragons gave Chinatown a mysterious glow, so exotic and bizarre. It was scary, like scenes playing out in movies with bad guys wheeling pistols, crime bosses doing drug deals and stool pigeons being wiped out by the hired help. Me, and my wild imagination were having a blast.

  The guide on the air conditioned bus talked about ah ku, this I found out meant prostitutes. She explained their history, that they were pretty and fresh from Canton and high on opium. Headed to gas-lit brothels, apparently there were many brothels in Chinatown and so close together ‘like the teeth of a comb’ she said. With the brothels, opium and gambling dens, it was known as sin city. The guide called it 'Bu Ye Tian' - The Place of Nightless Days. It was fascinating and I found we barely spoke a word the entire trip.

  My head rested on Gage’s shoulder on the taxi ride back to the ship, I was so exhausted and my feet ached partly because of the walking for miles and the fact that I was stupid and wore new shoes. I could tell by the throbbing I had blisters on my heels and my calves were screaming.

  “My feet are killing me, how are yours?” I asked.

  “Mine are fine. Wore my old faithful’s, unlike someone we know.” Gage shrugged his shoulder making my head bob about.

  “You’re an ass,” I said, sitting as we pulled up to the gangway entrance.

  Gage jumped from the taxi and ran around and opened the door. Handing me the takeout bag he crouched on the ground with his back to me.

  “Climb on board,” he said.

  “Get out of here.”

&nbs
p; “I’m serious get on, not moving until you do,” he assured me. I knew better than to ignore him or he’d do something crazy like throw me over his shoulder.

  The driver and I shared a smile and he shrugged with a laugh and I reluctantly climbed onto Gage’s back. Gage ran up the gangway jiggling me about and making me laugh out loud at his antics.

  “Slow down you maniac!” I roared, and people around laughed along pointing at us like we were a freak show. I didn’t care, I liked Gage like this. He was fun and playful and his tough ass persona was nicely tucked away, for now.

  He carried me the entire way, opened the door and tossed me onto the bed after carefully depositing our food on the nightstand and flung himself beside me, panting and puffing like he just ran a marathon.

  “You are a whole lot of work, sweetheart,” he puffed.

  “I didn’t ask you for a horseback ride, not once did I say I needed to be carried.”

  He rolled halfway onto me and tickled me violently until we were both sweaty and breathless.

  “Tell me you didn’t like it though.”

  “I didn’t like it…I loved it!” I laughed, and forced him off me.

  He pushed me back, pulling off my shoes and socks throwing them onto the floor and gave me the most amazing foot massage.

  “Our foods going to be cold, not that I want you to stop but we better eat, it’s getting late.” I said.

  “There’s nothing better besides cold pizza, than cold Chinese food,” he chuckled kissing the soles of each foot. I visibly quaked and he smirked knowing full well that he found one of my erogenous zones.

  “Yeah we better eat,” he said, yanking me to my feet and grabbing the bag.

  The food was the best, like all food on holiday, and we ate too much of course, sitting back rubbing our bellies and moaning.

  “So we agree to skip Kuala Lumpur and Penang?” Gage asked and put his head on my shoulder.

  “Yeah, after the day we just had, I need a holiday!” We laughed but barely moved.

  The next thing I knew I woke on the sofa hours later, with Gage’s head on my lap, his one hand under my ass, the other tucked between my legs under his cheek, just skimming the surface of lands yet to be explored. It was a yummy feeling, yes, but awkward as hell.

  I stirred my hips which only made him wriggle into me more, now skimming was full hands on, or should I say, full hand on while he made a delicious mmm sound. “Don’t move,” he whispered, and my mouth dropped open.

  “I’m trying to get comfortable here.” He wriggled more and his cheeks puffed into a smile. He wasn’t asleep at all.

  “Asshole…!” I yelled and pushed him as I rose to my feet. He rolled onto the floor with a crash.

  “Ouch! you were so warm and comfy,” he protested and I shoved him with a foot, he in turn grabbed it and licked his tongue across my toes with a laugh.

  “Out…!” I pointed to the door. “Go! Time for you to leave mister, you’ve outstayed your welcome.”

  “You know I was kidding around. It was all innocent…until I woke up, that is.” He wiggled his eyebrows roguishly. I bit into the inside of my cheek to stop from laughing.

  “I’m tired and you’re leaving.” I pulled him to the door, opened it and shoved him into the hallway as he laughed.

  “Will I see you tomorrow?” he asked, with a pathetically virtuous look on his face, he knew he could make me cave.

  This guy was no good for me, like putting my hand into a flame, I could get burned, but the warmth it offered felt so good at the time.

  “Maybe, now go!” I ordered, as he rubbed past me and I caught the sweet scent of him.

  “Good night, sweetheart.”

  “Good night ass!” I held back a smile as the door closed in his smug face.

  Day 44

  Gage never called, never came by, in fact I didn’t hear a peep from him since our close encounter on the sofa. I figured he was pissed with me. He was the most infuriating confusing man I had the pleasure of knowing. His playfulness had me confused, as well as his need to pull away when things heated up.

  I heard my cell chime once and vibrate violently across the nightstand surface, I ran to get it. A photo of a man’s bare ass flashed on the screen and I laughed. I picked that as the profile shot for Gage so I knew without a doubt that he was calling.

  “Hi,” I said coolly.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” he sounded no different, not pissed, and not quiet. No guilt in his voice, just the same as any other time.

  “I hadn’t heard from you, thought maybe you fell overboard,” I said, joking, trying hard not to sound like a childish sarcastic bitch.

  “Are you not over it yet?” he asked, and I heard laughter in his tone. “Listen to me,”

  “What?” I snapped.

  “Guess who just got arrested?” he said.

  “Are you telling me Jack just got arrested?” I didn’t really have to guess so hard, since we were suspicious of him for days and it was a main topic of discussion lately.

  “I am. Now for the bad news,” he said half-heartedly, “so did John.”

  “John? Why? Was he involved?”

  “I think they arrested him on suspicion, probably a formality since they’re travelling together.”

  It only made sense but it still stung, I couldn’t envision John, so sweet and funny, doing something so despicable and underhanded.

  “How did you find out?” I asked, but figured that was why I hadn’t heard from him for so long.

  “If it’s okay with you, I’ll come by and fill you in.” I smiled to myself when the sexual innuendo hit me and then cursed myself for thinking it.

  “Of course it’s okay.”

  “I’ll bring wine.”

  “There’s wine here, just get your ass here quick,” I said, with enough impatience to surely get him moving.

  “Sure you kick my ass out the other night, now you can’t wait for my ass to get there…make up your mind woman!”

  “Goodbye, ass.” I said, hanging up the phone and rushing to the bathroom to brush out my hair, put on some perfume and brush my teeth. I sniffed my underarms just to be sure and a look in the full length mirror to make sure I was alluring enough, then I paced back and forth at the door. Gage knocked once, I opened the door and pulled him in.

  “What took you so long?” I asked, Gage laughing, as I dragged him to the living room area and forced him over to the sofa.

  “Well hello to you too! Didn’t think I’d be this welcome, in fact I didn’t think I’d ever get asked in beyond the doorframe.”

  “Oh, shut it. Sooo tell me.” I implored, eagerly. I wanted all the nitty-gritty details.

  “Can we pour some wine and have a seat, sweetheart?” he begged as he sat on the sofa.

  “Fine, give it here and start talking.” I played it safe and sat on the coffee table and poured the wine as he spoke.

  “Okay, so yesterday I saw Jack flirting with some chick at the casino bar. She was all snooty and hot, you could tell she had money, one of those types. I watched them leave together and followed them. About forty minutes or so later, Jack comes sneaking out of her room all quiet, pulling the door closed so it didn’t make a sound.”

  He took a drink from his wineglass and I leaned in closer with my elbows on my knees, so as not to miss a detail. Gage’s eyes focused on my cleavage that just revealed itself before his eyes and he bit into his lower lip.

  He pointed to my breasts. “If you want me to continue, sweetheart, you gotta put those away.” I peered down and saw the view that he was admiring. Not quite a nipple shot but not too far from it.

  “Sorry.”

  “Oh never be sorry about those,” he joked, as I moved to sit beside him with my leg tucked under me.

  “Go on.” I persisted.

  “Where was I?...oh yeah. He went back to the casino and doesn’t he repeat the whole thing with another woman. Later in the evening, the first woman is sitting at the bar, he comes in and sees her an
d makes a beeline out the door, so I follow him, back to her room. The thing is he just walks in, a few minutes later he comes out fiddles with something at the lock and off he goes, does the same thing at woman number two’s room.”

  He took a sip of wine and refilled my glass.

  “So what do you think he was doing?” I asked, totally enthralled like I was watching an episode of CSI when the plot was thickening and the suspect was finally going to be caught. Only this was real, far too real.

  “Robbing them, I went to security and told them what I saw, they pulled some footage and it turns out, he was putting duct tape over the lock mechanism, its silver barely noticeable, so the lock never engaged. That way he could come back without a key and get into the rooms. Since he had already been in the rooms, he knew what to grab and where to grab it from. Security figures that’s how he got in here too.”

  “But he was never in my room, neither was John. No one has been in my room but you.”

  “He could have snuck in with housekeeping or bribed them, they’re going to go over that footage too…as it turns out though, at least six women have reported stolen jewelry since boarding. A search of Jack and John’s room turned up a pile of stolen goods and get this… everything was inside hollowed out books. It even includes stolen jewelry from Vibe Hotel in Darwin.”

  “You’re shitting me.”

  “I shit you not,” he said.

  “That’s the hotel where the book signing was,” like a light came on I continued, “that’s where that bastard Jack disappeared to. Maybe John is involved, he didn’t seem overly worried when his brother took off. Maybe he knew what Jack was doing.”

  My heart sank just imagining that there could be a distinct possibility that John was tied to this whole disturbing mess, that he lied to me. And that he allowed his brother to take advantage of me. They robbed me.

  “You should talk to security too, let them know about Darwin,” Gage suggested, and I sadly nodded.

  “And the night we saw La Cage, he took off at intermission remember?” I quietly reminded him.

  “Yeah I told them about that.”