If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  “Special? The first time is supposed to be or should be. It’s a special kind of intimacy…I guess I haven’t found that someone yet. And then there’s my father, who made sure no one was getting into his daughter’s pants.”

  “How did he manage that, a chastity belt?” he laughed, and I couldn’t help joining him. A picture of me sitting here in a medieval iron chastity belt, with a large heart shaped lock dangling on the front came to mind.

  “You’d have to meet him. He’s a real piece of work. He didn’t allow me to date until I was eighteen. If he didn’t like the guy, which was damned near all of them, they were out on their ass with a warning to stay away. You learn quickly that you don’t disobey my father.”

  Gage was listening, but oddly enough wasn’t reacting.

  “And presto, you get a virgin.” I made a hand sweep gesture with both hands from head to toe, like the prize reveal on a game show, complete with a cheesy grin. Gage smiled that wonderful dimpled smile holding my gaze.

  “I think it’s admirable that you’ve held on to it for so long,” he said, suddenly far too serious for me.

  “Admirable? Virginity is fairly easy to hang on to when no one wants to touch you. Men want runway models, tall, skinny, blonde, with perfect everything. Not a chunky, smart mouthed, overly protected, plain Jane type.”

  “That I don’t believe for one minute. I have one fuck of a tough time keeping my hands off you. Speaking as a man, I don’t want some skinny bitch that only eats lettuce and calls shopping for shoes a fun time. I want a woman with curves, someone I can hold onto, someone I don’t have to worry about being a little rough with,” he winked, “if you know what I’m saying.”

  Rough sounded intriguing, what kind of rough was he talking about? BDSM rough? A shudder ran up my spine thinking about all the kinky fuckery stuff I read in my novels and discussed with John, surely not. Then I remembered he heard me.

  “I think I do.” I could feel my face heating to a shade more crimson. “By the way…you don’t always keep your hands to yourself Mister.”

  “Hey I only made a move once and I apologized for that.” Gage said defensively.

  “You can’t apologize for what you do in your sleep.” I pursed my lips together holding back a strong urge to laugh, the expression of pure shock on Gage’s bad ass face was priceless. I really knocked him for six. God he’s hot!

  “What do I do in my sleep?” he asked, with a furrowed brow and a tiny bit of disbelief in his sultry tone.

  “For me to know and you to find out,” It was one of those nah, nah, nah childish moments and my turn to have fun.

  “Hey, if I’ve done something unacceptable, I should know about it.”

  “Never said it was unacceptable. Sometimes you get a little touchy-feely and overly friendly.” The smile on my face was giving me away, and the fact that I liked it, maybe too much.

  “Maybe I better sleep on the sofa,” he teased, pulling his lip between his teeth and smiling.

  “I don’t think so. We’ve handled things fine so far. I like waking up with you beside me.” I boldly admitted. I didn’t want him on my sofa. I wouldn’t feel his touch from clear across the room.

  “I’d still be here, just with a bit of distance between us.”

  “Are you scared the big bad V might bite?” I teased back, I could give as well as him with the playful banter. It all added to the fun I had when I was around Gage.

  “As a matter of fact, V’s can be pretty scary.” He wiggled his brow and laughed and cleared away our cups for the stewards return. It took a good minute for me to get the double entendre. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Question for you?” I asked, since we were getting so personal I was curious and now seemed like the perfect time for the nosey bitch to come out and really play.

  “Go ahead,” he said.

  “When was the last time you had sex?” Yep, I put it out there!

  Gage asked very personal things and said I could ask anything, this was my anything. The good, the bad or the ugly, I wanted to know.

  “Just over three years,” he said without hesitation, he didn’t have to think at all, like he had a calendar and was ticking off the days. It was as if he knew I would ask.

  Three years? Holy shit! How in the hell could a guy go for so long without it. I remembered a boy in high school telling me that if he didn’t get it he’d be in pain and agony, some crap about how he could die even, of course we were fifteen when he came up with that one. He was as horny as a whip and I wasn’t giving in.

  “Get out of here! And it hasn’t fallen off yet?” I was stunned, virtually flummoxed.

  “Damned near,” he laughed.

  “Who’s the virgin now? Seems I have a friend suffering from the big V too,” I said, as I got up from the table and went inside with the intention of getting dressed and going for breakfast.

  Gage followed and stopped me in my tracks, grabbing onto my hips and pulling me against his chest. He snuggled his face into my neck and trailed his lips to the lobe of my ear and whispered.

  “From one frustrated virgin to another…let’s hope the suffering ends soon.”

  He had me breathless and my panties damp after those little words of inspiration. I swatted him away playfully and looked back at him as I strode into the bedroom. The look on his face was intense, with a burning in his eyes as he kept following me, staying close. In one fell swoop he had me on my back on the bed, laying on top of me, staring into my eyes.

  “You know?” he whispered, his hot breath on my face and the smell of coffee and coconut; a strange but wonderful combination, had me near panting. “We could help each other.”

  I could feel his arousal pushing into my thigh and the thought of tearing our clothes off and devouring each other was delightful, but I needed to ask one thing.

  “Why?”

  “I think that’s obvious, sweetheart,” he replied burying his face between my breasts and lingering kisses up my chest to my throat. He was enticing me with his soft lips and morning stubble. I was ready to hand my virginity over to him, sealed in a package with a hand tied ribbon and a pair of scissors.

  “No. Why three years?” I asked, running my hand through his silky hair, brushing it away from his face to get a better look when he answered the question.

  But he didn’t answer. Gage merely ended his sexual quest, rolled off of me and laying back on the bed with his arm over his eyes. I rolled onto my side and pulled his arm away.

  “Hey, can’t be that bad?” I said, looking at his closed eyes, surely it couldn’t be.

  “I’ve been away,” he said.

  “Away?” I must have been dumb as a stump because I just wasn’t getting it. “Where sex is banned?” I laughed.

  His eyes opened and he gave me a miserable all telling gaze.

  It was then that it hit me, the stupid ass that I was. I worked at a law firm and I had to ask? Away, meant away. As in jail, the big house, behind bars, locked away. Gage was an ex-con, what the fuck had I let myself get into.

  “Jail, you were in jail?” I asked, but I knew. Now I had to ask the next obvious question. “What for?”

  Gage wasn’t shocked that I had figured it out, but by his quiet reaction, he was panicked that I had. He rolled to the side of the bed and nervously sat up with his elbows on his knees and his fingers weaved together and I made no attempt to move closer or sooth him. I should have been running screaming, but I learned long ago to listen and then draw a conclusion. Everyone deserved a chance to defend themselves.

  “You probably hear it all the time, but I was innocent. I didn’t do it, I mean I did it, but it wasn’t my idea. Got into a bad situation and before I knew it, I was in too deep to get out…I swear, it’s the truth.” He shook his head and turned to look at me with pleading eyes, eyes I saw every day at work.

  “What did you do time for?”

  “Documentation forgery and counterfeiting.” It sounded almost impressive when he said it. />
  “White collar, I’m slightly relieved,” I told him, like the off duty paralegal that I was. Searching out information was my job and I did it well. “So what part did you play?”

  I hadn’t had the opportunity to investigate many white collar crimes. They were nasty to the party that took the loss but basically harmless, meaning that no one usually got hurt. Physically that is. One of my favorite TV shows was White Collar, but the hottie on that show forged and stole art, and it wasn’t real. This was all too real.

  “I did the actual forging; unfortunately I’m very good at what I do…did,” He corrected himself and then stood up, reached out and pulled me onto his lap. “I swear to god Tandy, I learned my lesson, I did my time, all of it and I’m working hard for…I got my full pardon, re-educated in criminal law and licensed, I was given a second chance to redeem myself and I’m not going to blow it, please believe me? I did a really crazy thing, I was young and stupid, and I let myself get pulled into an immoral world. Three years of my life are already wasted, and I have no intention of wasting anymore. What we have…our friendship means a lot to me, it would kill me to think that my fucked up past tore us apart.”

  I took a deep breath and let it escape my lips slowly, Gage’s revelation playing hard in my mind, but he looked so sad, so riddled with guilt, a man fighting with the demons from his past. He had done his time, yes, someone had confidence enough to hire him and offer him a new start. If the justice system gave him a pardon why shouldn’t I?

  Gage had me by the heart, yanking at the strings and strumming them like a guitar. I was falling for him, falling hard and fast. As if I were a saint, hiding the fact that I had a ticking time bomb in my head and telling him nothing.

  “Gage I need to tell you something.” Were words about to slip out? Was I about to make my own revelation? I couldn’t, I bit my lip and smiled blinking back tears that I had no intention of shedding.

  “I’m hungry.” I said and tried to wiggle loose, only to find him increasing his hold.

  “What were you going to tell me Tandy?” he asked.

  “That I’m hungry Gage, just hungry.”

  We went to breakfast and sat awkwardly, neither one of us wanting to say more. The honeymooner’s shared an omelet, kisses and touches under the table, like we didn’t know what was going on.

  Gage slipped his hand around mine and smiled moving his chair a little bit closer and I rested my head on his shoulder enjoying the silent closeness.

  ***

  Managing to get through the day while barely speaking a word sounds like a daunting task, but somehow we did it and it wasn’t as awkward as you’d think.

  Gage seemed to need constant contact and I couldn’t protest, in fact I looked forward to his touch. He held his hand at the small of my back when I walked anywhere slightly ahead of him, my hand when we sat at lunch and dinner and wrapped his arms around my waist or shoulder when we were just standing still.

  Notebook was playing tonight at ‘Under the Stars’ and it didn’t take a whole lot of effort to convince Gage to go with me when I flippantly promised we could make out. When he squeezed two of the plush lounges together and grabbed a blanket, I laughed at the silly way he eagerly hopped onto his seat and offered the other to me, holding the blanket up and grinning. We shared popcorn and snuggled.

  I had to admit the love scenes were on the steamy side, or perhaps it was just me, but I was starting to get all kinds of hot under the blanket and snuggled a bit tighter into Gage’s side. He pulled his arm from between us and draped it over my shoulder and drew me in, his hair brushed against my cheek, his scent was driving me wild.

  In a bold move, I ever so slightly touched my lips to the curve of his neck and heard him take a deep breath. I felt his pulse quicken against my lips. He slightly pushed me back and looked into my face and carefully, as if to test the waters, touched his lips to mine and I closed my eyes and melted into him.

  Gage sucked my bottom lip between his teeth sending a hot shiver racing along my spine. Goose bumps formed on my skin and my breathing hitched. His lips were a mixture of salty and buttery from the popcorn with a hint of sweetness from his Cola. He tasted so good. His tongue pushed against my teeth pleading for entry, until I willingly opened to him and our tongues stroked together. I let out a moan and froze waiting for that all too familiar pull back. Happily it never came as I felt his smile against my lips and his hand slip under my blouse. The warmth from his palm as it rested on my ribs was glorious; his thumb caressing the underside of my breast was hypnotic.

  I couldn’t tell you how long we spent under the moonlight, quite literally sucking face, but when we finally pulled apart our lips were swollen and the screen was black. Looking around us, there wasn’t a sole. The entire area was void of any life. All the seat cushions had been packed away as well as the blankets and only the sound of the ships engines humming could be heard in the silence. There was a peaceful quietness that forced me not to move.

  “What time is it?” I asked, as he pushed the button on his watch, illuminating shadows across his face.

  “Three am, talk about losing all track of time,” he laughed, and then ran his hand across my cheek.

  Necking in the moonlight with my friend until three in the morning sure seemed a smidge too intimate. I was a muddled mess. Riddled with guilt for being a tease, I had to ask myself what we were doing. Was I a tease or was he teasing me? I had started this entire thing, provoking Gage with the touch of my lips to his neck. Over thinking it again, I needed to get the fuck out of here.

  “We better go,” I said, starting to move. Gage jumped up and pulled me swiftly to my feet, ever the gallant gentleman. I was expecting him to bow before me and kiss my hand like Prince charming with his princess; I guess that would have been pushing it, I thought with a snigger.

  “Shall I escort you home miss?”

  “Yes please, sir,” I said, in my best impression of a southern belle and we laughed.

  At my room door, I stood and waited while Gage played with the key card in the slot and it glowed green, he forced open the door and moved back to let me in first. He really was a gentleman; someone had raised him right, designed him to not only respect a lady, but treat her like one.

  “Thank you, sir,” I said, as I walked in and turned to see Gage leaning in the doorway watching me. He looked shy, almost childlike, like he was waiting for permission. Bad ass Gage was tucked away.

  “What are you waiting for?” I asked, confused when he didn’t saunter in behind me like usual.

  “Things changed today. Maybe I should go to my room and see you in the morning,” he said, moving slightly back into the darkened hallway.

  “Is that what you want?” Barely had the questioned crossed my lips when Gage answered me.

  “No,” he said softly, almost in a whisper, but he hesitated to move forward. He looked so cute when he was acting coy, with his big beautiful blue eyes sparkling from the light in the room.

  “Then get in here. Nothing’s changed, that can’t be fixed.” I reached out and pulled him in, he swathed his arms around my waist and we stood staring and waiting awkwardly.

  “Still friends, right?” he asked, and I leaned my head against his chest so he didn’t see the disappointment. My heart was telling me I wanted more. My head hadn’t quite caught up yet.

  “Of course we are silly. I’m going to get changed,” I said, and rushed to the bathroom.

  I changed, brushed my teeth and hair and all the while I could taste him and remember the scent of his skin and feel the heat we shared under the blanket. And now we were acting like it was nothing, like we were actors in a theatrical production and the play had drawn to a close. That is until the next performance. We were only friends after all.

  Gage was waiting under the sheets, he pulled them back, I climbed in and he tucked the sheets around me. We lay side by side staring at the ceiling; neither saying a word. The screaming silence and new awkwardness were driving me near mad.
This wasn’t what friends did, sharing a bed, making out like teenagers and I shouldn’t be feeling like a horny sixteen year old, wanting to be groped by the captain of the football team to get my thrills either.

  When I was about to speak, Gage rolled onto his side to face me, I could smell the clean fresh scent of his cotton t-shirt and coconut. I wanted him to peel off that shirt and mine and feel our flesh touch. I was lost in my lustful thoughts, when he slipped his hand under my rump and maneuvered me around until he had my back spooned against his chest, his arm wrapped over my waist and he was twirling a piece of my hair with his fingers. I loved when he played with my hair, it was relaxing. Although it was only a lock of my hair wrapped around his finger, it was still a form of contact and that was what I craved when he was with me.

  “That’s better,” he said, and I closed my eyes knowing that come morning, he would touch me and though it was in his sleep, he’d lust for me and I’d let it happen, whatever that would be.

  Day 34

  I woke to the sound of water running, it took me a moment to get my barings. I yawned and stretched my arms over my head. I grasped the morning wood I was becoming used to and squeezed, telling myself to get up and get moving. I put the idea of ravishing Tandy right out of my mind.

  Repeating my new mantra, ‘just friends’ and sucking in a deep breath, I sat on the side of the bed and couldn’t help but peek at the sight of Tandy in the shower. From my side of the bed the shower was in clear view, I could smell her shampoo and jasmine body wash mixing in the air, causing my morning problem to grow considerably.

  Never lusting for a woman like this before, this was all new to me. Swallowing a pool of saliva that formed on my tongue, delicious ideas of devouring her in the shower spun around in my head. I had to get a grip.

  Forcing my ass to move, I pulled on sweats and lifted the phone and placed the usual coffee order. I took one last committing to memory look at Tandy, before heading to the living room. I needed to go to my room and get some things, toiletries etcetera, it was best to go now, while she was occupied. There was also an overdue email to Mr. M to send and I forgot my phone.