If Not For You

by Jennifer Rose

  My tongue played with the loop in each of his nipples and Gage’s eyes closed, when I tugged a ring with my teeth they flew open and he held my stare as my tongue moved deliberately lower over his pecs to the trailing V at his hips.

  He was hard and waiting, I took great delight in flicking my tongue over the tip of his engorged cock. It twitched with each swipe and his moans pleased me. I loved what I could do to him. He was far too large for me to take him in much past the head of his penis, but he had patiently coached me threw the finer details of giving him the most pleasure possible. I hadn’t realized men had a G spot until he had enlightened me. Gage was a very skilled teacher and by his response I had graduated at the top of my class with honors.

  “Oh, fuck baby.” He stirred his hips as I increased the pressure at the base of his sac, his fingers wove into my hair as he mewled like it was somehow painful in the most delicious way. “You’re killing me with that sweet mouth of yours…that’s it, right there, oh yeah,”

  Tugging at my hair was his warning to me that he was getting close and I wasn’t quite ready to experience the full taste of his essence as of yet and he knew this, he wouldn’t force me. I released him and kissed my way up to his lips, his tongue darted past my lips in a fevered exploration of my mouth, his hands roving up and down my back, his moans matching mine.

  We were loud, we never held anything back and if we felt it, we let it be well known. Anyone passing by the room would have absolutely no doubts as to what was going on behind my stateroom door. I took great pride in the fact that we had healthy sexual appetites and Gage had the stamina of a god, always bringing me to multiple orgasms, until I begged him to stop. He took great pride in trying to set me a blaze.

  I straddled his hips and directed his cock into my opening, slowly and gently until I adjusted to his size and then he took over, like always, eager to use my hips for leverage as he thrust hard. I threw my head back and panted, as friction played deliciously against that wonderful spot within. Another letter to add to my sexual alphabet as I cried out “don’t stop!” Gage twisted his hips and scrutinized my face intently, as I flew over the edge and trembled as the orgasmic waves reeled through me.

  “You look so fucking gorgeous when I make you cum.” he said, with that filthy mouth and then spun me onto my back. Positioning a pillow under my butt, he held under my knees to force me open to him, and I let out a gasp as he plunged in ever deeper.

  Loud grunts echoed through the room as Gage rammed into me, forcing my body up to the headboard until I was forced to push my hands against it so my head wouldn’t be slammed into it and I laughed at our predicament.

  “Funny, baby?” he asked, with a laugh and spun me effortlessly onto my belly, adjusted the pillow again and slid his cock between my folds. Like a man possessed, he was rough and almost brutal in his attack and I writhed beneath in delight.

  His hands held tight onto the cheeks of my ass, I could feel his fingertips bruising my flesh. His fingers released, then smoothed slowly up my spine, closely followed by his lips as he kissed each vertebra individually. I felt his fingers spread out as they caressed the nape of my neck and then entwined into my hair and fisted it in a deliberate move, tugging lightly. I let out a loud gasp, so not expecting him to be so aggressive but enjoying the thrill of it all.

  “Too rough baby?” he whispered, behind a growl.

  “Oh God…no…I…” Each word forced out with each battering ram.

  “You like it, baby?” he asked, the sound of skin slapping skin amongst moans, growls and groans, the firm grasp on my hair pulling my head back, all stirred together in wonderful animalistic excitement.

  “Ohhh….” My jaw gaped open and I gasped for each breath. When Gage reached his other hand around and fingered my clit, I was gone. Completely and totally gone, I cried out an agonizing sound when I plummeted off the cliff and shook violently through my climax, crumbling under his weight.

  “That’s it baby you rest while I finish.” Gage barely verbalized as he stroked into me a few more times and then held deep while his seed burst hot inside, once, twice, three times and he collapsed at my side.

  ***

  When my eyes opened sometime later, the room was lit only by the glow from the bathroom light. I was covered with a sheet, a fluffy pillow under my head and I could smell coconut. I rolled to see Gage watching me, his head resting on his hand lying on his side and he smiled. Yep, that wonderful dimpled smile.

  “Hi,” he said softly, intertwining his fingers with mine.

  I stretched my free arm into the air and yawned, “Hi. I guess I fell asleep on you. I was more tired than I thought.” My spine crackled, it felt good to get the knots out after the intense love making session.

  “That’s okay. We were a little more energetic than usual. You were a wild woman,” he teased.

  “I could say the same about you.” My hand stroked the rough stubble on his chin. I rubbed it and concluded that I liked him scruffy. Clean shaven was nice when the occasion called for it, but his facial hair was downright sexy.

  “I did get a little carried away didn’t I? But you seemed to be enjoying yourself, like it a little dirty eh? You like a bit of the kink?”

  “I like it all ways with you,” I told him, “you know what you do that really turns me on?”

  He shook his head no, sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and grinned, “why don’t you tell me baby, so I can do it every time I fuck you?” he whispered, his lips so close that the heat from his breath moistened my ear.

  “That, what you just did and the vulgar things you say and the way you whisper them breathlessly is the biggest turn on for me. Whether you take your time and go oh so slow, or you race to the finish like a madman, that filthy mouth does it for me every time…Just so you know.”

  “Good to know,” he muttered as he caressed his lips against my bare shoulder, “you barely say a thing, but ohhh the noises that you make…that does it for me.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed each fingertip and then moved in for a long seething kiss. When his lips broke free I could still feel the burn.

  “That was nice,” I said, rolling on my side to face him.

  We lay quietly and enjoyed the time to just be at peace. I listened to him breath beside me, soft even breaths. Gage’s thumb rubbing the inner flesh of my wrist felt nice.

  He was becoming my safe place, my haven, my refuge, an anchorage, this was a dangerous place. Was I ready for that? Was he? Only time would tell. Time wasn’t really what I had a lot of, it was limited, and I knew I’d have to use it well. For when the time came, I’d just have to untie the strings from my heart, knot them into a bundle and walk away. As hard as it was going to be, this chick wasn’t taking Gage home and she certainly wasn’t involving him in her will-she-make-it-or-won’t-she journey.

  Gage brushed my cheek with his hand, waking me from my thoughts, “We’re okay? I mean we’re really okay? Can we get past what I did, can you get past it?”

  “Yeah, we’re okay. I won’t lie and tell you it doesn’t hurt, because it does. But, I’ll get over it, I always do. I’m not mad at you though, you’re merely a pawn, one of my father’s many pawns. He’s the one to blame for my pain.”

  “I wish I had told you sooner, I wanted to.” His hand rested on my collar bone and he ran his thumb back and forth across my neck, causing goose bumps to form on my skin.

  “Would it have made a difference if you told me a week ago? I don’t think so. The facts are the facts, you had a job to do and you did it.”

  “But that’s the thing, I didn’t do my job. I crossed the line the first night, I broke a promise to your old man and closed the gap between you and me before it even had time to open. I was supposed to stay away from you. He’ll never trust me to do another job. I’m basically a dead man. He’s going to fire me, boot me out on my ass and if I’m lucky, that’s all he’ll do.”

  “How will he find out? I’m not telling him fuck all. The cocky redhead has b
een paid off and I can’t imagine you’d be inclined to tell your boss that you fucked his virgin daughter’s brains out repeatedly.”

  “That was disgusting coming out of that pretty little mouth of yours,” he chastised, tapping my lips with his index finger. “My lips are sealed, baby. You couldn’t pry it from them with a crowbar.”

  “Then there’s nothing more to say about it. What would I gain by walking away or being angry with you?” I shrugged my shoulders and rolled onto my back, quite satisfied that this nightmare was over, with just one more tempest for me to battle through.

  “So you forgive me? Or do you have regrets? Because I’d hate to think you have regrets about us.”

  I placed my hand over our shared tattoos and smiled. “They say regrets are better left unspoken, but so you know, I regret nothing with you and there’s nothing to forgive.”

  Day 19

  Mykonos, Greece

  The sun was scorching, the sand blistering under our feet and the turquoise water was so clear you could see schools of fish far off in the distance from the shore. At least we had the bamboo covered umbrellas that lined the beach to shelter us. The beach was called Paradise and did not disappoint, it was beautiful, luxurious and absolutely picturesque.

  I watched as Gage was having a lesson in windsurfing, glad that he had stopped begging me to join in after only a few attempts, leaving me to ogle him as he maneuvered the sail and each muscle in his body was put on a gorgeous display.

  The thoughts of my father and his trickery were still at the forefront of my mind as we walked along the narrow cobblestone streets, passing the whitewash buildings and the many, many churches. I found it difficult to pay attention to much else.

  Out front of one church in particular, a little hunched over lady, dressed all in black with a thin veil and a rosary weaved in her hand approached me. Gage shrugged with a smile as she took me by the hand and led me inside the tiny structure. She nattered on incessantly in Greek and crossed her chest and kissed her fingers over and over as we moved to the front pews and she forced me to kneel with her.

  She unhinged me at first. I wanted to pull away and remove myself, so not a religious person. Sure I believed in a higher power, a being, maybe God, but I had grown cynical and questioning as my illness progressed. The only thing I pictured in my mind was a black, dark silence and a terrifying sense of unknown, nothingness; an unending abyss, a nonexistence. No bright lights, no pearly gates and angels with fluffy white wings and halos, just a lonely silent blackness and fear.

  But sitting with her there was calm, a stillness and peace seemed to pull the heavy weight from my head and give me relief for the moment. The constant ache that had plagued me for months lifted and when I took a deep breath I felt my lungs fill to capacity. My heart swelled in my chest and tears spilled over my cheeks, uncontrollable tears, not from fear or anxiety or even sadness, but a calming contentment.

  The veiled woman put her hand on mine and smiled, her eyes sparkled from under the shroud and her words, though I understood nothing else, etched into my brain. “Force him not away, for he will help heal you,” she pointed to the doorway where Gage stood watch over us.

  She took the rosary she had wrapped around her hand and slipped it over my head with a toothless smile. I protested but she put up a hand stopping me. I held the silver filigree cross between my fingers and studied it. Each turquoise and soft pink pearl was joined by a tiny silver link leading to a medallion of some kind and Saint Christopher came to mind since it was the only one I knew of. It looked old and antique but so beautiful. The woman kissed each cheek and left without a word.

  Gage situated behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder. “You alright, what did she say to you?”

  “She gave me this, isn’t it pretty?” I said, side tracking his question, not wishing to share the private mystery of the lady in black and her message.

  And as I sat later watching Gage struggling with the sail and laughing childlike without reserve, I understood what she meant. I had to tell him, tonight I would tell him.

  ***

  “You’re awful quiet, sweetheart, you okay?” Gage asked, tucking a finger under my chin forcing me to look at him face on.

  “I’m okay,” I said, as I saw the concern in his eyes I hesitated with the idea of telling him, but the memory of the woman in black gave me the courage I needed. I closed my fingers around the silver cross. “We have to talk.”

  “Should I be worried?” Gage stood still and then pulled me into his arms, “promise me you won’t leave me…no matter what it is. Say we can work it out?”

  “The decision I’m afraid will be yours and yours alone,” I said, with a long heavy sigh and forced us to walk on.

  “Now I really am worried.”

  I put my hand to his cheek and smiled in an attempt to make him feel less frightened, when I knew it was me that was scared shitless, “Let’s get all dressed up and go dancing, I want to forget for a while.”

  Gage looked at me puzzled, “Forget what? I thought you wanted to talk?”

  “I do…but I want to dance with you first. I want you to hold me in your arms and pretend that there’s no one else in the world but you and me…and then.” I closed my eyes to hold back the tears that would be inevitable, postponing my fears and pain for just a while longer.

  Gage nodded his head in agreement. I could see the wavering reluctance he had. I almost knew what he had gone through when he negotiated with himself over sharing his secrets. “Okay, sweetheart, I’ll breakout the tux and we’ll get all dolled up…and I’ll hold you in my arms for all eternity if that’s what you want. I love you and I’d do anything for you. Anything.”

  “Oh Gage, you’re going to make me cry.”

  “If you do, I’ll be here to wipe your eyes.”

  ***

  The dance floor was crowded, the music was loud and Gage held me so tight I swore my ribs would be bruised if not cracked when the music stopped. I could feel him physically trembling, he was so nervous and I for some bizarre reason felt unruffled. I should have been practicing a humble speech in my head and imagining Gage’s reaction, but I found myself totally lost in his arms.

  I knew he was close to bursting, he put on a brave face for my sake but I could tell he was falling to pieces inside. It was time to put him out of his misery, my turn to brave up and put on the big girl panties.

  “Walk with me,” I said, taking Gage by the hand, I watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall and his breathing quicken.

  “Lead on Mc Duff,” he said, trying his hand at humor and I had to laugh. The look of fear on his face and pearls of sweat on his brow, you would have thought I was leading him to the gallows. It made my heart sad for him.

  On the bow of the Promenade deck, we stood side by side staring out at the dark water, it looked like a pane of black glass, still and tranquil, unlike our hearts that beat with such fierceness you could practically hear them pounding. I could only think of the pathetically overdone scene from Titanic between Rose and Jack, only our arms weren’t outspread and Celine Dion wasn’t singing her eerie sad song.

  Gage yanked me to face him, “Say something, say anything. I can’t take this silence a minute longer, this is killing me.” he said, with a quiet anxious fury.

  “I’m sorry.” Since there were no seats to be had on the deserted deck, I turned my back to the rail and slid down to the floor wrapping my arms tight around my knees.

  “Tandy,” Gage panicked and kneeled down beside me, “is it your head?”

  “No…yes…no my head doesn’t hurt. Sit with me.” I took his hand in mine and held it to my chest closing my eyes.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m scared to say it…I’m scared to hear what you’ll say when I tell you,” I admitted, I hadn’t told a soul, besides doctors, the words had never crossed my lips and I had never said them out loud, not even to myself.

  “Don’t be scared, I’m not going anywhere. I won’t walk away o
r leave you, anything you say to me could never be that bad,” he assured me.

  I took a deep breath and tightened my grip on his hand and blinked away the waterworks that threatened to release until I looked him straight in the eye and burst into tears.

  “Sweetheart, just say it, just get it out. I love you…we’ll deal with it together,” Gage encouraged.

  “I’m sick.”

  “I know.”

  “When I get home I have to have surgery.” Gage didn’t say a word he just stared at me waiting for me to continue, “I have a brain tumor.”

  He held his breath for a moment; the world went silent as he took it in, “A brain tumor, are you going to…?”

  “Am I going to die? I don’t know,” I said, suddenly more composed than I thought I would be.

  “I don’t know what to say, I mean I don’t know what to ask.” He looked horrified, tears streamed down his cheeks and he shuddered as he held my knuckles to his lips and kissed them.

  “You don’t need to say a thing,” I said. He looked at my head like it was going to split open and reveal itself, like a spotlight would appear and show him, “It’s operable, which is a good thing. It’s just that where its sitting isn’t a good thing.”

  I continued while he clearly struggled, “there’s a thirty percent chance that when they remove it, I’ll come out of it good as new. Apparently those are really good odds,” I smiled, trying to add a titter of laughter but it came out more like a distressed whimper.

  Gage asked reluctantly, “What about the other seventy percent?” he asked, wiping away my tears with the tail end of his shirt.

  “Well…if I’m lucky I’ll fall into the thirty percent, if not, I could lose my sight, it could affect my speech, my motor skills, I could go blind, um…I could lose my memory. And the worst case scenario, I’ll die.”