Blame It On Your Heart (Big Timber)

by Jami Alden

  Damon nodded. Right after they'd gotten married, Deck had confided in him that that was a source of tension, Jane wanting to get up and go the second she wrapped a project, while Deck had work commitments he wasn't willing to flake on.

  "But none of that has been an issue at all. She's so happy, the baby's happy..." His voice trailed off as his expression got, God forbid, even dreamier. After a few seconds he shook his head, as though he realized how dopey he must look. "Jesus, I'm turning into one of those boring assholes who talks about the amazing dump they found in their kid's diaper."

  Damon laughed. "You've got it pretty good. You're entitled to brag a little. But yeah, I don't want to hear about the color and consistency of Devlin's shit."

  "Deal," Deck said and chuckled. "Look at you," he said, looking down at the baby jabbering happily in Damon's arms. "You're a natural. When are you gonna take the plunge?"

  Damon forced a chuckle. "I should probably find someone to marry before I start having kids."

  Deck cocked an eyebrow and leaned closer. "You think I don't know that you and Ellie have hooked back up?"

  Damon felt his face grow hot and his chest go tight. "Dylan's worse than a thirteen-year-old girl."

  Deck shook his head. "It wasn't Dylan, it was Mom. Adele told her you'd been sneaking into Ellie's window again, just like in high school."

  Damon was glad the sun had gone down so his brother couldn't see him blush. He forced another laugh. "Sneaking into her bedroom to have a little fun is a long ways from getting married," he said.

  But damn it, he could so easily imagine it. Marrying Ellie, having kids together like they'd always planned. Being a father to her little boy.

  Yet the rush of joy he got even thinking about it was quickly eclipsed by the memory of the pain of her refusal the first time he'd asked. The memory of that humiliation burned in his gut like it had happened mere days instead of years ago.

  It was too soon, too uncertain for him to go betting on a future with Ellie.

  "Jane and I started out as a one night stand," Deck shrugged. "And here we are."

  Damon shook his head. "Maybe you're forgetting what happened the last time I had designs on marrying Ellie. No way I'd ever make any long term plans around her."

  There was a sound behind them, barely audible over the din of music and conversation. A feminine clearing of a throat.

  Damon turned around, his stomach dipping a little when he saw Ellie standing on the other side of the bar. Though she was smiling, it was a little too wide, the corners of her mouth a little too stiff. He knew instantly that she'd overheard him.

  "Sorry to interrupt," she said, pitching her voice to be heard over the crowd, "but we're running low on the amber ale. I was hoping you could help Brady bring another keg up."

  "Of course," he said and passed the baby over to his brother. Ellie thanked him and hurried off, eager to get away now that she'd made her request.

  He watched her for a moment, stomach churning. He didn't like the idea that he'd hurt her feelings with what he'd said, but he wasn't being mean. He was being realistic.

  Wasn't he?

  ###

  No way I'd ever make any long term plans around her. Damon's words echoed through Ellie's brain for the rest of the night as she kept a smile glued to her face and continued to work the party.

  They kept her awake that night, leaving her sleepless in spite of her exhaustion. They reached a crescendo the following day when she went back to the restaurant and Damon was there, working with Dylan and Brady to break down the tent and move the extra tables and chairs they'd put out on the patio back inside.

  They made it impossible for her to focus on their brief, inconsequential exchanges about how well the party had gone, and how they were both looking forward to a day off.

  It was stupid to feel so hurt, she told herself dozens of times the following day. It wasn't like he’d said anything she didn't already know.

  And yet, there was that split second when Deck had brought up her and marriage in the same sentence, and her breath had caught and for an instant, crazy, insane hope had flashed...

  Only to come crashing brutally down to earth.

  "Mommy! Mommy! I caught one!" Ellie jerked herself away from her wallowing at Anthony's excited cry. He was down at the edge of the river with Molly, proudly holding up his pole.

  Dangling off the end was a madly flopping trout, no more than three inches long.

  "That's great," she said forcing enthusiasm as she got up off the beach blanket and rushed to the water's edge. They were spending Ellie's day off at Grey Bear Park, on the banks of the Yellowstone River. Anthony had been begging to go fishing since they'd gotten here, but Ellie was too squeamish to deal with the worms.

  Whenever she fished before, Damon had always dealt with that part she thought glumly.

  Today, Molly was on worm duty.

  "Can we cook him and eat him for dinner?"

  "Might be more like an appetizer," Molly chuckled as she eyed the squirming fish.

  "Take him off the hook, Mommy," Anthony said. Ellie jumped as the slimy thing smacked against her bare arm. Her startled laugh was the first sound of amusement she'd managed since Saturday night.

  Get over it, she scolded herself, angry at herself for indulging in hurt feelings when she should be enjoying a beautiful day with her son and her sister. She was a big girl, she knew what she was getting into the first night she let Damon back into her bed.

  But knowing the truth didn't take away much of the sting of hearing him say it out loud.

  The only bright side to hearing him answer the question she was too afraid to ask revealed itself later that evening, when Julie Dennison called with an offer too good to be true.

  In that instant, Ellie's future was laid out before her.

  Far away from Big Timber.

  Far away from Damon Decker.

  ###

  Damon pulled up in front of Ellie's house, his stomach clenched in the familiar knot that had taken up residence Saturday night and not left since. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves as he wiped his uncharacteristically damp palms against the legs of his jeans.

  He scolded himself to get his shit together and climbed out of the truck. Despite his nerves, he felt a surge of anticipation as he heard her voice float from the back of the house. Though it had only been a few days since he'd seen her, he'd missed her like he hadn't seen her for weeks.

  Part of the reason was that he was busy, with work, with his family. It was so rare for him and his brothers to all be home at the same time he felt he had to maximize every second.

  And part of it was, even when he could have gotten away, sneaking out to meet up with Ellie so they could screw each other’s brains out just didn't feel right anymore.

  Because after a few nights of beer-fueled deep talks where his brothers poked and prodded and refused to believe his bullshit, Damon was forced to admit what he really wanted. And after weeks of denying it up and down, he was forced to eat his words and face the truth everyone else already seemed to know.

  He wanted Ellie. And not just in his bed. In every part of his life that mattered.

  And as he'd told Ellie when she first came back to town, he'd grown into a man who went after what he wanted.

  That didn't mean his hands didn't shake a little as he made his way up the walkway and considered exactly what he was going to say. While what he'd told Deck was true—he didn't have any plans to go down on bended knee, at least, not yet—he was ready to steer this... whatever they were doing... in that direction.

  He figured the best place to start with that was clearing the air and asking her out on a proper date.

  Easy, right?

  About as easy as scaling Mount Everest.

  He skirted around the side of the house, following the sound of Ellie's voice and Anthony's laughter.

  As he came around the back, he saw that Molly was also there, her back to Damon. "That's great," she was say
ing as Damon started toward the porch. "You must be so excited."

  "Yeah—" Ellie started.

  In that instant Anthony spotted Damon and crowed, "Mom, Damon's here!"

  Ellie's startled gaze met his, her mouth pulling into an uncertain smile. Molly turned around to greet him, her own over bright smile not quite reaching her eyes.

  "Damon," Molly said, her voice brushing the upper registers. "What brings you here?"

  He could feel his palms getting damp again and shoved his hands in his back pockets. "I was hoping to talk to Ellie real quick," he said, closing the distance until he stood on the patio, a few feet away from Ellie. Minimal make up, her dark waves pulled into a ponytail, she still looked so beautiful in her simple tank top and shorts it hit him like a blow to the chest.

  She also looked tired, he noticed on closer inspection, lines of strain surrounding her full lips. Had he and his careless words to Deck put them there? he wondered with a pinch of guilt.

  "In that case I'll leave you alone." Molly started for the house.

  "You don't have to leave," Ellie quickly interjected, and Damon got the distinct feeling she wasn't in any hurry to be alone with him with only Anthony's questionable supervision.

  "I need to go get ready for the dinner shift." Molly waved her off. "And I imagine you two have a lot to talk about," she said, giving Ellie a pointed look. "Anthony, why don't you come with me for a little bit?" she said to Anthony who had joined them on the porch and glued himself to Damon's side.

  "I wanna stay with Mommy and Damon," he said, pressing himself even closer to Damon's hip. As much as it melted his heart, Damon didn't need Anthony witnessing him laying his heart out on the line. Besides, if this all played out like he hoped, there would be plenty of quality time with Anthony in his future.

  Damon squatted down until he and Anthony were eye to eye. "I just stopped by the restaurant looking for your mom, and you know what Adele was making?"

  "What?"

  "Double fudge brownies with peanut butter cup chunks. If you go with your aunt Molly I bet she'll let you taste one."

  "You'll spoil your dinner," Ellie said, but Anthony was already waving goodbye as Molly led him by the hand around to the front of the house.

  There was an awkward few seconds as Ellie stood, arms folded across her chest as she stared expectantly at him.

  Damon cleared his throat and dove right in. "The other night at the party, you overheard me talking to Deck, about what was going on between us. I know it bothered you..."

  Her brow scrunched up in a frown for a second, then she let out a forced sounding laugh. "You mean about not marrying me?" She laughed again and waved her hand.

  "Yeah, I just wanted to clear the air—"

  "Totally unnecessary," she said, shaking her head. "Not a big deal at all. I mean, you were very clear from the start that this wasn't about anything but sex."

  He opened his mouth to correct her but she bulldozed on.

  "And believe me, I'm right there with you. My life is in such chaos right now, there's no way I could even begin to think of being in any kind of serious relationship, much less marriage."

  What about a not so serious relationship that could become serious, he thought, and tried to ignore the sinking sensation in his chest. She was just telling him what she needed to save face. He couldn't blame her. He'd been pretty much a dick from the beginning. He'd given her no reason to feel safe baring her true feelings.

  "I mean, up until yesterday, I wasn't even sure where I'd be living in six months."

  His focus snapped back in place as he realized she'd been talking that whole time. "Now you know?" he asked, his stomach sinking down to the level of his boots as his gaze locked on her bright, excited smile.

  "We're moving to the British Virgin Islands!"

  He was pretty sure his heart made an audible thudding sound as it joined his stomach at his feet.

  She was saying something he could barely make out through the roaring in his ears. The gist of it was that Julie Driscoll had been so impressed with the way Ellie had handled the party, and she'd offered Ellie a job at Coral Cay their family-oriented resort in the Caribbean.

  Ellie's voice came in and out, as though through a heavy layer of static. "It couldn't be more ideal. The location, the work, the fact that our room and board and insurance are all covered," she gushed.

  He forced his expression into a bland smile. No way would he let her see that she'd delivered a devastating blow. "Yeah, it sounds perfect," he managed to choke out, even though inside his brain was screaming "NO!" in an endless roar. He glanced down, surprised to see the front of his shirt instead of a gaping, bloody hole. Somehow he pulled his lips into a smile, mumbled a congratulations.

  Inside his head, barely audible against the roar of denial at the idea of her leaving, a quiet voice consoled him that at least he hadn't been stupid enough to blurt out that he loved her.

  ###

  "...So let's all raise a glass to Ellie and her new adventure." As Adele finished up her toast and the air filled with the sound of clinking glasses, Ellie struggled to keep her smile glued to her face so no one could tell that her heart was ripping apart inside of her chest at the thought of leaving in just two short days.

  Molly leaned over and gave her a hug. "You don't have to go, you know," she whispered, apparently not fooled by the frozen grin stretched across Ellie’s mouth. "If you stay here, I'm sure some other opportunity will present itself. I'm sure—"

  "Hey, babe, let's load up on some of that barbecue," Josh interrupted before Molly could finish her thought.

  But Ellie didn't miss the way Molly's gaze flicked across the patio, where Damon was helping Dylan and Brady handle the big slabs of meat roasting on the grill. Talking, laughing, sipping his beer like he didn't have a care in the world.

  If Molly was going to suggest that maybe Damon would make her an offer of his own, she was sorely mistaken.

  Ellie took a sip of her wine, forcing back tears as JT came up and congratulated her with a kiss on the cheek. "Just think, in two days you'll be at one of the fanciest resorts in the Caribbean! You couldn't get much different from here if you tried."

  And for that, she was grateful, she thought, as JT gave her another quick hug and went to refresh both their drinks. Once again, she was fleeing Big Timber for a place and a life that bore almost no similarity to the life she'd lived here.

  It might not be what she wanted, but for the second time in her life it was what she needed.

  Because the only thing that tore at her heart more than the idea of leaving was the idea of staying. Of having to see Damon around all the time, remembering his response when she told him about the job and that she'd be leaving.

  Why are you so disappointed? What did you expect? That he'd throw himself at your feet and beg you not to go because he loves you and wants to start over?

  You were listening that night at the party, right? The part where he said he'd never be dumb enough to plan on a future with you?

  Yet she'd expected some reaction. Some indication that he cared, that he might miss her, even a little. Something other than that slight look of surprise, a hearty congratulations.

  And she sure as hell hadn't expected him to help her mother and sister throw a goodbye barbecue at the restaurant for her and Anthony.

  She did her best to keep her gaze from straying over to the grill and focused on soaking up these moments with her mother, her sister, the staff at the restaurant and the old friends she'd reconnected with over this past month. It was hard to believe, when she and Anthony had come back to Big Timber, how anxious she'd been. How she'd felt like such a loser.

  How she couldn't wait to get her life back on track and get the hell out of town.

  Now, as she accepted congratulations and shared tearful hugs with old and new friends, part of her wondered if she was a fool to leave when after all these years, she was finally back in the one place that felt like home.

  No, she tol
d herself harshly. You'd be an idiot to stay and pine for him. A fool to fritter away the rest of your life on a man who got over you thirteen years ago and doesn't seem to care either way that you're about to leave town for good.

  ###

  The impromptu farewell barbecue they'd thrown together for Ellie started to break up shortly after sundown. Damon watched as Ellie exchanged long hugs and kisses on the cheeks with the guests, discreetly wiping away tears. She slipped on her sweater and reached her hand toward Anthony, and knew she was about to leave.

  He set his beer down and forced himself to walk over to her, feeling like he was walking through wet concrete. Janelle had her in a full on bear hug. He waited until she let go of Ellie before he spoke.

  "You all packed?" he asked, inwardly cringing at how lame he sounded.

  Ellie's moist eyes locked on his, and for a split second he thought he saw something in her gaze that mirrored the turmoil roiling through him.

  It was gone in an instant, replaced by a tight smile as she nodded. "Just about. Honestly, since I was never sure how long we'd be here, I never totally unpacked. Makes it easier."

  More evidence she'd never intended this to be anything but a temporary layover. It shouldn't matter, but it was yet another knife, twisting in his chest.

  "Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help you get ready."

  She merely nodded then glanced down at Anthony who had sidled up to her.

  The kid looked up at Damon with solemn dark eyes, and he felt his heart kick in his chest. He knelt down and pulled the boy into his arms. "You be nice to your mama, OK?"

  "'Kay," Anthony replied, sniffing against Damon's shoulders. "We never got to go fishing."