“Why am I here?” If she hadn’t hallucinated that whole conversation with Julia, Neil would know why.
“You’re in protective custody at a safe house in Florida because someone’s tried to kill you twice.”
“What?” That made even less sense than being married to the guy. Frowning, she forced her mouth to work once more. “Why?”
“Believe me, a lot of people would like to know the answer to that question.”
Grabbing a chair, he moved it as close to the bed as he could get, and straddled it. The position seemed like a familiar one for him. He reached for her hand. His calloused palm caressed hers, and he lifted her hand to his lips.
“Marriage a cover story?” she asked, the words coming out painfully slow, but clearer than before.
He shook his head. “No, sweetheart. It’s the real deal.” He bent down and kissed her.
While his lips felt familiar as if her mouth recalled the taste and texture of his, it didn’t ease her anxiety.
“I’d planned to break that little tidbit to you myself.” He grinned.
Little tidbit? He’s got to be kidding.
“I don’t remember.” The words were slurred together. She was well aware of the fact that he could read her face far more easily than she could decipher his. No doubt her shock was as vivid as a flashing neon sign. If only she’d gone through with that laser eye surgery a couple of months ago, but she’d chickened out at the last minute.
He laced his fingers through hers. “I know it comes as a bit of a surprise, but I won’t push you, if that’s what’s scaring you. How many guys are lucky enough to woo their wives twice in a lifetime?”
She tried to smile, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. What she really needed was to see his face and read the expression there to know what he was saying was true.
“My glasses?” she asked, raising her surprisingly heavy arm and pointing to her face.
Neil smacked himself in the forehead with his free hand, and she suppressed a giggle. The action was a familiar one she recalled.
“I’m sorry. I never even thought of them. I don’t know where they are. You had contacts in at the hospital, and they removed them, but I’m certain they threw them away. See? You’re wearing your medical ID bracelet. That’s how they identified you.”
She frowned and looked down at the silver-toned bracelet on her right arm. It was strange that she hadn’t realized it was there until just this second. When had she gotten contacts? She couldn’t imagine poking herself in the eye with them each morning. And why had they needed that to identify her? Hadn’t she have her wallet with her? Plus, Neil was there...
“I can’t see you well.” Her words came out more easily as her tongue got used to speaking again, but she had to hunt to find them, something that had never been an issue—if anything, her problem had been knowing when to shut up.
Neil moved his chair closer to the bed.
“Can you see me now?” he asked. He smiled and dropped a kiss on her nose.
While the familiarity bothered her somewhat, knowing he was her anchor in this strange reality made the gesture less upsetting than the first kiss had been. Looking into his eyes, she let the care and concern she saw there calm her racing heart.
“Yes, thanks.”
He squeezed her hand. “I should’ve realized that. I’ll look for them later, okay?”
“Yes.” She sighed. “How long have we been married?”
There wasn’t a ring on either of her hands, so it could’ve been a drunken spur of the moment thing. They’d talked about a weekend in Vegas later in the spring. She didn’t remember what had happened, so that could be it. Maybe she’d seen something she shouldn’t have...
Neil leaned forward, abruptly ending her musing, and gazed into her eyes. “What’s the last thing you remember? Is it still that ski trip to Vermont?”
She nodded nervously, her imagination going into overdrive once more.
He let go of her hand and stood, pacing back and forth beside the bed. Her anxiety skyrocketed. He stopped as close to her as he could.
“Nancy, there’s no easy way to say this. That trip took place six years ago,” he said, his voice filled with sorrow, “and we’ve been married for five of them.”
“No!” Her eyes widened in surprise as her mouth dropped open. Where the hell was she? The Twilight Zone? Her first reaction was to burst out laughing at the impossibility of it all, but the somber look on his face told her he was telling the truth. Hadn’t Julia mentioned something about a coma? That would explain not remembering a wedding she found hard to believe she’d ever agreed to. Her head throbbed and the pain intensified. Numbers formed rapidly in her mind. Six years—seventy-two months, three hundred and twelve weeks, twenty-one hundred and ninety three days—an eternity of lost memories. My God! She was thirty-five years old. Could things get any worse?
“How long have I been in a coma?” she asked.
Neil sat on the side of the bed, reached for her trembling hand, and held it between both of his. He licked his lips, and she sensed his tension.
“I realize this is scary. You’ve been in a coma a little more than a month. About four weeks ago, gunmen opened fire in a Baltimore restaurant. You took a bullet in the belly, another in the chest, and one in the head. There’s no brain damage, but your memory’s a little messed up. The doctor says it may all come back to you.”
A little messed up? I’ve forgotten six years of my life.
He had to be joking, but she wasn’t laughing. The words he’d used hit her.
She gasped. “May?”
Neil shrugged apologetically. “Unfortunately, there’s a chance you won’t remember any of it. You know doctors. They hate to commit to anything. Regardless, I’ll be right here with you. I will keep you safe, and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Where’s my mother?” she asked, surprised when he let go of her hand and stood. “I want her now. Why isn’t she here?”
Neil rubbed the back of his neck as if he was in pain, and then ran his free hand through his hair. Despite the situation, her fingers itched to do the same, as if it was something she’d done several times before.
“I’d hoped to have more time before telling you this,” he said, his voice filled with such sorrow that she knew what he was going to say.
Pain seared her as her heartbeat increased. Losing six years was nothing compared to this one moment. She licked her dry lips. “Dead?” she whispered, praying she was wrong, fearing she was right.
Neil nodded. “I’m sorry.”
Tears coursed down her cheeks.
“If there was anything I could do to change this, believe me I would,” Neil whispered. He sat on the side of the bed.
Like so much of what she’d heard in the past few minutes, this seemed impossible. Only last week, she’d said goodbye to her mother at the cruise terminal—but, if Neil was telling the truth, that had been six years ago.
“With me?” she asked, sniffling in an effort to stop the flood of tears, trying to focus on Neil and not the agony ripping her apart.
“No, honey. She wasn’t.” He reached for her, and pulled her into his arms. “Go ahead and cry, sweetheart. God knows you’ve had more than your share of disappointment and sadness.” He rocked her back and forth. She let his heat envelop her as she wept, mourning the woman who was the center of her universe. The woman she would never see again.
Chapter Eleven
After what felt like an eternity, Nancy pushed her head off Neil’s shoulder, but stayed in his arms, and looked into his eyes. They were red-rimmed as if he’d been crying, too. There was a hole in her heart she didn’t think would ever heal, and as much as she would like to crawl inside herself and the comforting grayness, she couldn’t. She’d heard the door open and close. Julia must’ve come in and left again. It was too bad because right now, if the nurse had asked her about pain level, it would’ve been a solid ten and rising. Mom was dead. She was married
to a stranger, and everything that had happened during the past six years was gone. Maybe knowing more would help her remember.
“How? When?” she asked, when her sobs abated enough that she could speak. If she hadn’t been with her in the restaurant, she could be dead for months, even years. The ache in her heart increased.
“Four years ago.” Neil’s gaze met hers, and he licked his lips. “There was a car accident.”
Nancy pushed away a bit farther. Her mother didn’t drive. She had issues with depth perception, which meant she’d been the one behind the wheel. She felt herself grow cold.
“My fault?” she asked, her lower lip trembling.
Neil tried to pull her closer, but she stayed stiff in his arms. He relaxed his hold.
“No, don’t even consider that. There was a hell of a storm, one of those unexpected spring deluges that come out of nowhere. A drugged-up teenager ran a red light and T-boned you.” He paused as if searching for the right words. “Moira was killed instantly. You were very badly injured.”
She swallowed, fighting the sorrow welling inside her. Her breath came in pants, and more tears ran down her cheeks. The throbbing in her head and heart was blinding in its intensity. Mom was gone. Four years had passed since she’d left her. She didn’t remember the accident, didn’t remember the funeral, didn’t even know if they’d buried a casket or an urn. How could fate be so cruel? She was about to ask Neil for details when some sixth sense told her there was more—something he was holding back. Had she killed someone else when she’d lost control of the car? Looking into Neil’s pain-filled eyes, she knew she was right.
“There’s something else you aren’t telling me, isn’t there? Did I hurt or kill someone else when I lost control?” she managed to ask between sobs. “Where you hurt as well?”
“I wasn’t with you,” he admitted, the anguish on his face and in his voice unmistakable. “I was away on assignment, and not a day has passed in the last four years that I haven’t regretted that.”
Nancy nodded. His job took him away a lot, which made it hard for her to believe she’d married him, but if she had, then they must’ve reached some compromise.
Neil looked away from her, but not before she saw the guilt on his face.
“What is it?” she insisted, the pain in her head worse than ever, but she would not stop until she knew it all. “What else happened that day?”
He stuck out his tongue and licked his lips. “You were pregnant, almost six months,” he said as if the words were being torn from his soul. Tears rolled down his cheeks. “He was too small to survive.”
Nancy stared at him, and felt the horror rising inside her. She let out an unearthly wail that started in her soul and wouldn’t be silenced, a howl that would’ve rivaled the sound any banshee might’ve made. Her mother and child dead? And she remembered none of it? What kind of cold, unfeeling monster was she? That baby had lived inside her for almost six months. My God! Neil must hate her. The incident that had caused the memory loss had been only four weeks ago, and yet along with memories of it, she’d swept him and the child they’d created out of her mind as if they were of no concern.
Neil reached for her, but she pushed him away, too ashamed and embarrassed to accept whatever compassion he offered. Mom would be so disappointed in her. What kind of mother forgot her child like that?
The door opened, and Nancy barely registered Julia and a man coming to her side.
“Julia had trouble finding me,” the man said, his voice filled with concern as if her pain mattered to them. “What happened?”
“She asked about her mother,” Neil answered, his voice clogged with sorrow. “Doctor Howard said to answer her questions. God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t...”
He stood and moved away from the bed, hurrying toward the door before she could pull herself together enough to stop him. Looking up at the nurse, she sobbed heavily.
“Twelve,” she whispered, as tears flowed down her cheek.
The nurse nodded, her eyes shiny with tears of her own. “We’ll take care of that right now.”
Nancy curled up on the bed, and let the sobs come as she cried for everything she’d lost, the man who’d loved her, the child they’d created together, and the mother she would never see again.
* * *
Neil rushed to the door, trying to escape before he collapsed in his grief, but didn’t quite make it out of the room.
“Neil, wait,” Dan cried and hurried toward him. “What exactly did you tell her?” The young doctor was concerned but not accusing the way Neil would’ve expected him to be.
“Doctor Howard told me to answer her questions honestly and truthfully.” Giving as many details as he felt were relevant, he filled the young doctor in on the tragedy that had destroyed their marriage.
Dan nodded. “Would’ve been nice if Doctor Howard had been more specific about the bad news she was going to get. I could’ve given her something that might’ve made it easier on her. Now, I’m playing catch-up, and it isn’t my favorite game. I’ll sedate her and let her sleep through the night. We’ll see how she is in the morning. I’ve got antidepressants if we need them. She has to grieve these losses. There’s nothing we can do about that.”
“Pills didn’t help four years ago. You can talk to Meredith, she might be able to tell you more, but as far as I know she hadn’t stopped grieving until she forgot about them. Now she knows again. How much hell is one person supposed to endure?” He punched the wall in anger.
The doctor put his hand on his arm. “I don’t know,” he admitted, regret in his voice, “but I’ll do whatever I can to get her through this. How are you coping?”
Neil chuckled bitterly. “The way I always have—one day at a time. Please, just help Nancy. Don’t worry about me.”
Dan looked as if he wanted to say something more, but nodded and turned back to his patient.
Closing the door behind him, Neil leaned against it for support. Tears ran down his cheeks. He felt as useless now as he had four years ago. Immersing himself in the job had been his only respite, but now that she was the job, there was nowhere to run. He would’ve given his life to spare her this sorrow. Having her shun his efforts to comfort her when she was so weak and helpless was more painful that her rejection these past four years had been.
Seeing her in pain, watching her struggling to speak, and realizing how frightened she was, tore him apart. He’d wanted to take her into his arms, ease her barely suppressed panic, and assure her everything would work out, but he couldn’t. Not only would that add to her distress—he’d seen the stunned horror on her face when he’d told her they were married—but the future was too unpredictable, especially here and now. And then she’d asked for Moira.
Maybe he should consider bowing out of the picture and turning her protection over to Todd. What good was he to her? Knowing what she did, wouldn’t he just be a constant reminder of what she’d lost? She didn’t want him then, when she’d loved and married him, and she sure as hell wouldn’t want him now that he was a stranger. Anderson could find him an assignment off the beaten path that might give them both a chance to heal.
After going into the washroom and splashing water on his face, he stepped out onto the deck. The evening air was warm and scented by the orange blossoms that grew in a hedge between the house and the massive garage. He gazed across the lake at the pinks and purples of the setting sun, promising another glorious day tomorrow. But it wouldn’t be for him, and probably not for Nancy either. There might never be another good day.
Tiny solar lights edging the flower beds and attached to the fence along this side of the lake popped on and off, reminding him of the fireflies so common in Vermont each summer.
If Nancy were going to remember, surely the shock she’d had today was the catalyst she needed? He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Even if she did recover all of her memories and could tell them who was behind this, if it involved the Russian mob, she would never be a
ble to go back to her former life. Mobs, like elephants, had long memories and carried grudges to the extreme.
Todd came up behind him and handed him a cup of coffee. “You could probably use a drink, but there’s no alcohol on site. You look like shit. I heard the commotion—hell, a dead man could’ve heard that soulful cry. What happened?” He took several steaks off a tray and placed them on the grill.
“What do you think happened?” Neil ran his hand through his hair. “She asked for her mother. I told her the truth.” He shook his head. “I told her everything. Julia had already spilled the beans about our marriage. She knows it all now, Todd, and she pushed me away just like she did before.” He held up his hands in supplication. “Why can’t we get a break?”
Todd put his arm around his shoulder and led him over to the table. “Give her some time. This has to have been one hell of a shock. The Nancy I know doesn’t hate you.”
“But that’s just it,” Neil bit off bitterly, his hands fisted so tightly they hurt. “She’s not the Nancy you know. She’s not the Nancy I know either, and right now she’s in pain, and there’s not a goddamn thing Dan or I can do about it.”
Todd nodded. He stood and checked the potatoes cooking on the grill beside them.
“I’m sorry. If I knew some magic spell to fix this for you, I would. Your personal relationship may be down the tubes, but you still have a job to do, so as much as I hate to pull rank, you need to suck it up, inspector.”
“Maybe I need to get the hell out of here and let you or someone else take care of her and give her the peace she needs. There has to be another package available,” Neil said, his anger and frustration making his heart beat furiously as if he was running the race of his life. Could he walk away from Nancy?
Todd crossed his arms and stepped so close to him, they were almost nose to nose.
“Stop talking like an asshole,” Todd all but shouted. “You’re hurt, you’re angry? Good, but channel that fury where it needs to go. Neil, you’re the best damn marshal in the service.” Todd grabbed him by both arms, his gaze fixed on his. “If I thought I could do a better job, I would agree, but the truth is I can’t. We don’t know how long it’ll take to find her a really safe place, and I’m just too damn old.”
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