Unraveling Newman Blake

by Costa James John

  He smiles. “I am lucky I didn’t land up dead, but the fantastic thing is I have something good, I have you.”

  He stands up and inhales the morning air.

  “I am alive, and I have brought you here to thank you for saving me. I don’t want this to be just another relationship. I want to give you what I have given no other women.”

  He turns around and faces the distant horizon. He steps forward to the edge of the drop and then continues speaking.

  “I am not a wealthy man. If you choose to follow me, we will struggle.”

  Amber stares at his back curiously.

  “Maybe one day we will make it, and you will have all the luxuries and comfort you deserve, and maybe we won’t. We may die together, old, with no money and only each other. That is the long and hard road.”

  He pauses.

  “But there is also a short road. Let me explain. I recently met with a life insurance broker, and took out life insurance to the value of $20 million. Should I die right now, you will be the beneficiary of that money. What will you be able to do with that money? You will never have to work again. You will never have to worry about paying bills. You can buy a massive house, and a car and all the things you never had. You can travel the world, and still have enough to relax and do what you want to do in comfort”

  He stretches out his hands, his back still facing her, his face towards the crevice.

  “You deserve all this, and more.”

  He pauses again.

  “I want to be the one who offers his life for you. I want to be the one.”

  “What are you saying Newman?”

  “What I am saying is this: give me a small nudge, and I will fall. I will fall to my death. Then go back to the train station and catch the train home. Go to the local police department and tell them that we went for a walk and I fell. Tell them that you are devastated. Go home, and in about a week or two phone my insurance broker, his number is in the closet next to my bed. Tell him that there has been an accident and ask him what you must do. Then live, live, live. Do it for me - with no regrets. Take from life what you deserve - what I want to give you. I am going to close my eyes now. I want you to give me a gentle push.

  His arms are still outstretched.

  Amber looks at his back. She can reach him, and the thought crosses her mind. It would be so easy to just give him a little push. There is nobody around. She looks at him standing there in her reach one more time. She stretches out her hand towards him.

  “Come with me now, Newman. Open your eyes and come to me. Let’s walk to the train stop together, and as we ride out of here with the trees rushing past. Let’s start a life together as husband and wife. Let’s build each other up. We may not have a lot, but what we have will be ours. You will have me, and I will have you, and the world we will face together. Come Newman Blake. Come with me.” The flashing of the sun can still be seen through the window, as Newman and Amber embrace each other’s warmth on the seat of the train.

  There is darkness.

  Chapter nine

  Now Newman remembers his working years as he sees himself getting out of bed one winter morning. That was the most tedious time of my life. He watches himself getting up to go to work. This is the same thing I have been doing for ten years. Yes, I have managed to pay the bills, but I don't think I can spend another day sitting behind that desk and calculating those figures. Ten years have gone by and every day I get up, I shower, I brush my teeth. I get dressed in one of my five suits. I walk to the kitchen. I eat breakfast. I walk to my car. I drive to work. I arrive. I get out of the car and walk up the stairs. I say "hi" to Al. I walk to my desk. I sit down. My boss comes and drops a new load of papers on my desk and I spend the morning processing them. I go on a one-hour lunch break. I get back. If I happen to be five minutes late my boss comments. I go up the stairs. I go to my desk. I start working again. I finish work. I go home. I eat dinner. I watch the news. I get into bed. I read for a while. I go to sleep. I dream. I wake up and the entire process starts over again.

  Surely there can't be a more tedious existence than this. How could I do this for tr years? Well, I guess if you get into a routine, it is not so long. Maybe today will be different; maybe today I will get that promotion that I have been waiting for. Maybe today I will win a holiday, maybe I will win the lottery. Surely there must be more excitement to life than an occasional lottery ticket, and do I have to listen to those snide remarks from my boss?

  Newman sees himself eating breakfast as he always did, and then getting into his car as he starts driving the usual route. I remember that day, that was the day of the accident.

  Newman watches himself driving. He turns the usual left, right and left that he always takes when he leaves the driveway and carries on straight. He sees the same shop on the corner that he always passes - the one where he gets the lottery tickets from. He turns his head to look at it. He looks forward and sees something in the road. It's a dog. He swerves left and sees a pole. "Oh, my God!"

  There is a loud smash of metal and breaking glass as the car crashes into the pole. Newman tastes blood in his mouth and can hear the sirens. There is a man talking to him, but he can't hear anything. Then he is in a bed opening his eyes. All he can see is Amber and other people, lots of other people. The agony suddenly overwhelms him.

  Hold on, I am dreaming, or at least remembering. I must be. That was the worst day of my life, but where am I now? His mind flashes to something else. He sees himself getting out of bed a few years later.

  "Today will be different," he says. "Maybe it won't be as boring as it usually is. Maybe I will buy a lottery ticket on the way to work." So, he gets up, he showers, he brushes his teeth. He gets dressed in one of his five suits. He walks to the kitchen. He eats breakfast. He says goodbye to Amber and walks to his car. He sees the shop on the corner and stops to buy a lottery ticket. He sees himself arriving at work. He walks up the stairs. He says "hi" to Al and walks to his desk.

  He sits down and his boss comes in with the papers. "Why are you five minutes late?"

  Newman replies, "I stopped quickly at the shop for a lottery ticket."

  "And shouldn't you perhaps do that in your lunch-break? Ever since you were in that accident you have become careless about your work."

  Newman sees his boss dropping the papers onto the desk and then walking out.

  Time freezes for a moment as the anger boils up inside him. The anger grows and grows and won’t go away. Newman is shaking and can’t concentrate.

  Newman remembers himself waking again, this time with a purpose. "Happy birthday! Happy birthday!" he hears. He looks up to see his wife. He gets out of bed and walks to the closet. He puts one of his five suits as usual, but this day was going to be different. Newman was going to make sure of it. He goes to his closet and takes out a baseball bat. He puts it in a bag. He walks to the kitchen and kisses Amber goodbye. I am going to kill my boss today, but I don’t care because I know I am dead already.

  He gets in his car and drives to work. He says "hi" to Al and walks to his desk. His boss walks in with the usual papers. Newman takes the bat out the bag and slams his boss three times in the face. Newman sees him in a pitiful pool of blood and gore. There is darkness.

  Chapter ten

  Am I still dreaming, or am I remembering. I can't be dreaming, otherwise I wouldn't be asking this question. Did all of that definitely happen? Yes, that did all happen. I can't see anything - only memories and darkness.

  Why did I do that to my boss? I was angry because I gave ten years of my life to that company and all they could do was insult me. It went quickly with my routine in place. My routine helped me to stop thinking about other things. It's what I knew.

  If I had a clock I would know how long I have been here, and how long I have left. A clock can't help me here, it only helped me then. But did it even help me?

  When I was seven, one minute seemed like two hours. I could have sworn that two hours had passed and it was
still three. What about when I was drugged up? I was falling and falling and the fear was real; the fear of death. If I was really falling it would have taken a few seconds, but that fear lasted the whole night and I never hit the ground. I just wanted it to end, and time gave me no consolation.

  When I came face to face with God, and ignored his existence, I made a decision. A decision that I now regret. A decision that I now have all the time in the world to think about.

  When I spent ten years working for a company, I had no concept of time until the time had ended, because I only occupied my mind with the time spent on each part of a daily routine, and not on how many years I was wasting. And the time I crashed, was quick, it all felt like minutes.

  What is time? Time has nothing to do with a clock. Time is the velocity at which I experienced the events of my life. Although the events of my life could have been timed on a clock, the speed at which I processed them was in my own time, sometimes faster and sometimes slower.

  Life was like a string being quickly pulled through a ring. I was the ring and the events of my life were pulled through me faster than I could process them. I was dead before I was born. I possibly existed for a fraction of a second, made all the decisions I needed to make and died with only the lengthy processing of memories left to experience.

  When I met my Amber, time was given meaning. I enjoyed time. But now without her I may suffer for all time. Time is nothing without love.

  He screams from the depths of his soul, “Amber ... come back!”

  There is silence.

  Suddenly the clown appears. “Have a bad trip, Nu-nu?” Laughter.

  Newman is angry now.

  “How do I get my wife back, tell me!”

  “Very difficult Nu-nu. Very, very difficult.”

  “I will do anything, please.”

  “Nu-nu, you showed that you would kill for love, but will you die for love?”

  “What?”

  “There is only one way, that you can go back, but it is very, very risky.”

  “Yes … “

  “You have to die and enter the spirit world. And you may stay there forever, with no hope of ever seeing your wife again.”

  “It is worth the risk. Anything. Please.”

  The clown takes a large golden key out of his pocket, and holds it in the palm of his hand.

  This is the key to your afterlife. All you must do is take it out of my hand, and you will die to what you know, and enter the world of the spirit. There are no guarantees that you will ever come back, and you may never see Amber again.”

  “I want to try.”

  “Be sure of what you are doing, Newman.”

  Newman reaches forward and takes the key.

  The ground starts shaking. There is a bright flash of flames. The clown disappears, and then there is darkness.”

  Chapter eleven

  There are stirring sounds. Everything is black, but he is not alone, there is an existence. He is in a void, but there is a pulsating vibration. Amidst the space there are sounds and feelings. The moving lights and sounds are souls. They are moving past him. They are moving around him, and stopping. They stop next to one another and there is almost an exchange of some sort and then they hurry on again. He can feel their spirits - their beings. A coloured light will flash with the sound of voices and suddenly he can feel the true nature of that soul. Calmness, serenity, and love - these feelings are moving about around him.

  Newman is witnessing what all people ultimately experience. It feels like a bustling market. A whole lot of different beings with different feelings bumping into one another, momentarily exchanging some sort of emotion, and then moving on. But what are these souls exchanging and what message are they communicating to one another?

  They are not communicating in any language, they are communicating through feelings. Newman sees a soul scurrying up. It stops quickly and hovers around. Newman suddenly feels a sensation, and is taken away into a new dimension. He sees himself sitting at a table and there is a woman baking bread at the oven - preparing the food with love. The bread smells good. The woman turns around and smiles, "Dinner will be ready soon." Newman doesn't recognise her, but he feels profoundly safe. Everything goes black again.

  There is bustling and another soul approaches him. Its movements are a little different to the previous one. It scurries along, almost in a shuffle, and stops directly in front of him. He feels himself floating, and sees himself in a room. It is a century long past now; he is a child opening a present. He is poor, and in an orphanage. There is a man standing next him who says, "Happy Birthday". Opening the small box, he finds a coin. The excitement wells up. Everything fades. Back in the darkness the sounds can again be heard.

  What is happening to me?

  The pulsating and colours of the souls continue. There is a bright red soul that is moving quickly through the mass. It stops next to Newman as if sniffing him and then darts off. There are bright souls, dim souls, darting souls and slow, cumbersome souls and they are all moving around with a purpose. There are sounds that could be sobbing or they could be laughing. Newman tries to talk, but can't say a word.

  Amidst the thrusting of the souls and clutter he cannot move. He does not know how to. He remembers Amber, and is suddenly cast forward towards a blue light. The more he feels her love, the faster he goes. The blue light gets closer and closer, until it is glaring in front of him. It begins flashing with brilliance. The soul before him is absorbing something.

  It is absorbing his memory. It continues flickering for a while and then heads off, only this time it looks a little brighter. In the darkness there are many souls of different colours and shapes. They are all in the centre and are scurrying around one another. The only way to move is to feel the calm memory of Amber. Remembering her love, he propels forward towards the activity. The sounds are loud now, as the lights flash past him like fireflies.

  A yellowish light approaches suddenly, and another one quickly joins it. A new memory beckons him. He is swimming in a river and can see someone else. It is his brother. He is splashing his brother with water and the more he splashes the more the laughter there is. Newman feels carefree and happy. His clothes are hanging on a wooden gate not so far away. The sun is shining brightly and he wants the moment to last forever. Everything vanishes and he is swept back to the cluster. The two yellow lights flutter off.

  The lights dance in harmony together almost as if to beautiful music. They flow and sway amongst one another in an understanding. Newman looks towards the humming souls and notices that they are all trying to get to the centre of the bustle.

  What are they trying to get to?

  Newman meditates on his memories and is propelled through the lights and sounds towards the cluster. The closer he gets the busier it is around him. There is a bright white shining light from the centre. The light, now frantic, as they all seem to be, is trying to get to the middle. A turquoise light stops in his way bringing him to a halt. Newman can feel himself being drawn into a hospital. There is a newborn baby resting close to him. He is holding the infant close, overwhelmed by joy. The wrapped baby is crying. There is incredible emotion and joy. The scene vanishes. He tries to speak. This time words can be heard:

  "Where am I?"

  A voice answers, "You are where you have been heading your whole life. You are at the summit of souls, the collection of beings. Look around you. Does it not make sense? You suffered a lot in life. You suffered the death of your loved ones. You suffered the pain of sickness. All the hardships that life cast on you were all momentary. You were destined to come here, where there is no suffering. You remembered your love. Her beauty gave you hope, and that is what kept you going on your journey to where you are now.

  Around you are other spirits of people that lived and died. They too had precious memories, a place deep in their souls where they turned to in times of heartache. It is when people turn to those memories that they turn to me. I am those memories. I am the hope th
at all people are given in life. I am the light that shines in the darkness. In man's darkest hour I am there. In your darkest hour, I was revealed to you through the beauty of creation. I was by your side, and the more peaceful you found yourself becoming, the closer you were drawn to me - to this existence.

  "What are all these lights and sounds around me?"

  "They are souls and they are driven by the energy of their thoughts and memories. All people have a place deep in their hearts that will always bring them comfort. And here the only force and energy is the happiness of those memories. Here you will share the hope that has kept mankind going for all of time. Here only I exist, through the comfort that I manifested on mankind."